My Side (25 page)

I frowned, “What made
him do the show?”

He got a grim look on
his face, “We forced him. We knew what an amazing singer he was, and Lissie and
I were stable. We hired help for Dad and forced Loch to do the show.”

I laughed, “I’m sure
you didn’t have to completely force him.”

He laughed too, “He
was made to do this.”

I had never imagined
it was anything like this—never. I shook my head, “No wonder he’s always
going on about living everyday to the fullest and trying new things. He’s
inspired by her.”

He gave me a look,
“That’s his ADHD. He’s always struggled with it and oh, Mom and
Dad,
they tried medicating him when he was little. But he
became a zombie. He lost the passion and the flare that is Lochlan. His eyes
glazed over and he said yes to everything in a monotone. No sarcasm, no joie de
vivre. Mom wouldn’t hear of it. She took him off the meds and shit. She made
him take music, started with piano. It helped him focus. So when he would be
having a fit or a hard time focusing, she would make him play. He took singing
lessons. The music saved him.”

I was dying inside,
“Oh my God, he never told me that either.”

He nodded, “I assumed.
If it’s too much for you, all of this, I can take you to the airport. I know
he’s a lot to handle, and Mom, well she’s hard to watch. We are all watching
her die, slowly. Dad has a bad heart, high cholesterol, and blood pressure.
They won’t go into a home, and we won’t let Loch put his life on hold for them.
They don’t want it. They want this for him. Our family is a mess, so if you
need to bail, I will make him understand.”

I felt sick, “You
think I’m that shallow?”

He grabbed my hands,
shaking his head, “No, my God no. But he never told you any of this, and he
might not ever have. There are things he might not ever tell you. That’s
something you have to live with. It’s not deviousness; he isn’t like that. It’s
truly that he sees things his
way,
he is stubborn as
shit, and refuses for the flaws to bring him or anyone down. He still believes,
in his crazy way, that she might recover.” He sighed, “If there is ever
anything you need to ask me, I’ll always tell you the truth.”

I held his hands
tight, “Why did he beat that guy up on the show?”

His eyes twitched with
the memory, “Okay, the truth on anything but that. That he has to tell you
himself.”

“Do you think I should
go to the airport?”

He shook his head,
“No. Lochlan used to need music and now it seems like he just needs you. The
music has finally become a joy and not a release.”

I felt my cheeks
blush, “He seems so normal and together. He’s smart and funny and outgoing. He
doesn’t seem broken.”

His grip tightened,
“He’s not.” His tone changed.

I jumped, “Sorry, I’m
thinking aloud. I just mean that he’s like… well you know…the darkness
sometimes it’s… like a demon.”

He glared slightly,
“Erin, you have to see the strengths, not the weaknesses. I didn’t tell you
this, so you would judge him. I told you so you would be fair with him and see
the whole picture.”

I swallowed, “I’m not
judging him, I swear. I just see so many things making
sense,
it’s all just my brain working. I have to say it out loud. It’s my own ADD.”

He pulled me into his
embrace.

I rested my head on
his chest and sighed, “You sure you’re gay?”

He laughed,
“Unbearably gay.”

I laughed and then I
cried some more. “Want to watch the show?”

He shook his head,
“No. Let’s wait for Mom. Dad will be putting her to bed now.”

I nodded and we walked
back, hand in hand. I tried to convince him to run away with me, and let me be
his beard.

He never caved once,
just smiled at me with his sparkly-blue eyes that never once turned into a dark
look.

He led me to Lochlan’s
bed. I curled up in the sheets and tried not to be creepy about smelling his
pillow. It was bad enough I was in his boxers and tee shirt.

I woke to Lochlan
sleeping on the bed, over the covers. He was still dressed. It was light out. I
kissed his cheek and crawled from the bed. He was passed out so I got dressed
and went down the hall, to find Al giving Judith a type of sponge bath on her
face and neck.

“Good morning. Can I
help with anything?” I smiled at Judith.

He shook his head,
“No. I was just going to watch the boys’ show from last night. I recorded it.
It makes her happy and they were playing too late.”

I smiled, “Can I get
you anything, Al?”

He glanced at me, “Cup
of the coffee that’s made, if you don’t mind. One sugar and one cream.”

Judith gave him an
evil look. He chuckled, “One milk. No cream for me.”

I laughed and patted
her on the shoulder, “I’ve got your back, Judith.” I wished his family were my
family. They were amazing and sweet, and everything a person wanted in parents.
I’d seen kids with ADHD act out. I couldn’t imagine being so brave, as to take
him off his meds and have the patience to suffer through his music lessons. I
got us both a coffee and sat on the couch. I sipped as he started the
recording.

It was the same sort
of set up as the one the night before it. They were on a small stage, ready to
start playing their instruments. I sighed seeing him. They played my favorite
song, Hold My Heart Tonight. It was amazing. His vocals were the best in that
song. Mid-way a young woman came on stage with her microphone. She sang the
lyrics with him. He laughed, beaming at her. He wrapped an arm around her waist
and sang with her. She was beautiful, long red hair and a stunning face. The
way she looked at him was intense.

Al pointed, “That’s
Mikayla, the girl who was on the show with him. She was in the final four with
him.”

I hadn’t watched the
show, except for searching his performances.

The two of them were
amazing together. They finished the song. She stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.
The cameras zoomed in. She kissed him with tongue. He kissed her back. The
crowd cheered. The kiss lasted long enough, that I was down the hallway, pulling
the ring off my finger and placing it on his pillow before the talking started.
I left it there and grabbed my suitcase. I closed the door and walked to the
living room, “I’m so sorry, Al. I need to leave.”

He was breathing
heavily. He gave a sorrowful look, “I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Erin. I won’t
even try to defend his actions.”

I shook my head, “You
are lovely. Never be sorry.” I kissed his cheek and knelt next to Judith. Tears
were streaming down her cheeks. It broke my heart. I kissed her damp cheek, “It
was lovely to meet you. You have a beautiful home and the best family I’ve ever
met.”

She gripped my hand. I
nodded, “I know. I’m sorry about the whole thing. I don’t want to have this
here, making you uncomfortable.” I kissed her and hugged her and Al again. I
left out the front door, dialing for a cab.

He picked me up on the
side of the road, walking and pulling my carry-on. I climbed in, “Airport,
please.”

He drove off. I
slapped myself in the forehead, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

I walked up to the
counter, sunglasses covering my puffy eyes and paid for a ticket home. He was
killing my cash flow.

I walked slowly to the
gate. My phone was buzzing non-stop. Finally angry, in a way I couldn’t
contain, I answered, “WHAT?”

Danny started talking
fast, “Holy fuck. We asked Alex not to let you see it, until we got to talk to
you. She kissed him. He wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t want to shove her off on
camera. He kissed her, and the minute we were backstage, I honestly had to
contain him. He was pissed. He tried calling you, but I wouldn’t let him. I
knew if you saw the kiss you’d flip out and not know the whole story.”

I sighed, “You suit
your new job, Danny.” I hung up the phone. He called back, so I turned it off.
I boarded the plane in dead agony. I was flat and emotionless. It was the only
thing that saved me from my fear of flying.

Drama Llama

I heard him enter the
apartment. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t get a breath to save my life.

Danny walked into my
room. He looked bad but I sighed when I saw it was
him
.
He wrapped his arms around
me,
“I’m always your
brother first. Always.”

I cried into his
chest.

“I don’t expect you to
forgive him, but I need you to go back, Erin.”

I pulled back,
confused, “What? Fuck you, Danny. He’s not my kid. I don’t have to coddle him.”

He started to cry, “Me
and Gerry were sleeping in the basement in the guest rooms. We heard the
screaming, he was so mad. She took another stroke. She’s in the hospital and
his dad’s almost there too. They’re scared his dad is going to have a heart
attack.”

I grabbed my wallet
and phone and we ran from the apartment. I didn’t need anything else as an
explanation. In the cab I sobbed, “This is all my fault. I should have come
with you. I didn’t want to mix that life and this one, I wanted the other him,
not the star.”

Danny shook his head,
“It’s that bitch Mikayla’s fault. She’s an asshole. He fucked her on the show;
she’s obsessed and sees him succeeding and wanted to latch on to the rising
star.” He gave me a grim look, “I actually phoned her and told her that this
morning. Told her exactly what happened and how she was responsible for almost
killing his mom.”

I’d never seen Danny
get so emotional. “Is Gerry with him?”

He nodded, “And Mike.”

I turned on my phone, ignoring
the constant stream of messages and voicemails. I pressed his name and held the
phone up to my ear. We jumped out at departures and starting running for the
counter.

“Hey.”

I stopped running when
he answered and let Danny get the tickets.

“Hey.”

He sighed, “I’m so
sorry.
I get it
,
I know I fucked up
.
Just don’t leave me. We can go back, we can just be friends again. I deserve
whatever judgments you have of me, princess.” His words were a whisper. It was
devastating.

I shook my head, “I’m
sorry. I should have kept our drama to myself. Her stroke… it’s my fault. I
immediately assumed the worst of you. I did it in front of her. I’m an asshole.
Baby, I’ll be there in a couple hours.”

He paused for a
minute, “You’re coming back?”

I nodded, even though
he couldn’t see me, “I’ll be there in a couple hours.”

“Thank you.” He hung
up. I felt sick and dialed Gerry.

“Erin, we need you. He
won’t leave his mom’s side. His dad is on oxygen and they’re monitoring him. Oh
shit, he’s coming out of the room. He looks like death. Are you coming back
here?” He was whispering.

“Yeah, we’ll be there
in a couple hours. Is she bad?”

He whispered, “No.
She’s hanging in there. They have her stabilized and said it was a very minor
one. She’s being released tonight or tomorrow. She didn’t suffer any worse than
last time.
Some kind of fucking miracle or something.
It depends on his dad and how he’s doing.” He paused and then spoke again
quietly, “If you could have seen his face. Danny took his phone and made him
calm down. I thought he was going to trash the dressing room. He was angry,
like I’ve never seen before. Danny made us stay till he was calm and we nearly
missed the flight.”

I glanced at my
brother and nodded, “He’s a good guy.”

“Erin, he’d be on a
plane if his mom wasn’t sick. He’s taking all the blame. His brother and sister
are trying to calm him down. His dad is livid with him—said awful things
to him.”

I sighed, “I’ll
message you when we land.” I hung up and followed Danny to the gate. He wrapped
an arm around me, “You’re going to fuck this up with your bad-boyfriend juju.
You assume shit and treated him like the sucky guys you dated as a kid.”

I looked at him, “I
didn’t make him kiss her.”

He laughed bitterly,
“You made him overreact about it and act like a spazz. You’ve got him so wound
up about you leaving
him,
he’s like suicidal once a
week. I’m going to find him cutting himself and listen to all your favorite
songs one day, I’m convinced.”

I swallowed, “He’s
just so hard to trust, he acts so nuts.”

He grabbed my arms and
held me tight, “Erin, that is your fault in a small way. Your self-absorbed
bullshit has to end. He’s already stressed to the max about the band, the
record deal, finding new members and making sure they fit in, and suddenly
being handed all the responsibility of the band. You’re so fucking selfish and
wrapped up in your own little problems, you don’t ever look at his side.”

We walked fast. My
chest was tightening but he kept on going.

“You can’t keep him
this wound up. So fucking what? Some slut kissed him on a stage. That’s bound
to happen to any guy who leaves his house. It happens to me every other day,
and I’m me. Fucking Lochlan’s seen his dad give up his whole life for his wife.
He took early retirement from his job—he had a cool job. He was an air-traffic
controller. How cool is that? Al was a badass dude before his wife got sick.
Now he’s a fucking housewife and a caretaker, and Loch has seen that for a lot
of years. To him love means sacrifice. Our parents aren’t like these people.
Neither was willing to bend, so they quit. We’re quitters and Loch’s people are
the type that hang in there till the last bitter drop of blood is squeezed. He
is never going to cheat on you. He’s had opportunity like a
mother
fucker
. I’m not kidding. He gets chicks begging him to suck hi…”