My Side (30 page)

I laughed, “It should.
Alex got all the good things in the womb. He is the perfect version of
you-know-who.”

He swatted me, “Stop.”

I laughed and began to
finish my coffee. I swallowed, seeing how badly my hand was shaking. I put it
down.

He nodded, “Going back
to the letter, Judith’s right. Love is love. I used to think love could be
found anywhere. I see now though, I was wrong. If Gerry didn’t love me anymore,
I would die inside.”

My tears started
again. I knew that death.

He gripped my hands,
“There is no letting go, once you find it and it’s real. There is no set amount
of time it takes to see it either.” He pulled a ring from his jacket.

I gasped, putting my
hands to my mouth.

“I’m sorry if this is
bad timing on your broken heart, but mine is so full I can’t contain it. I’m
going to ask him to be mine.”

I smiled, “Oh my God,
Dean. I’m so sorry about joking about Alex.” I gripped his hands and cried the
first good tears, I’d cried in ages.

He laughed, “It was
perfect timing for some delicious irony.” His eyes twinkled, “Do you think
he’ll say yes?”

I shook my head, “I
think he’ll say I do.”

He blushed, “I am very
excited they’re home this week. I’m going to ask tomorrow night. Will you go to
the show with me?”

I gulped, “Thin Ice is
playing this week?” Of course, I knew that.

He nodded, “Yes.”

I shook my head, “No.”

He pulled two
backstage passes, “Yes, you are. Danny, Gerry, and Mike want to see you. I will
need moral support for my huge life-altering decision. You will come and be my
bestie. Stop acting like you lost Gerry and Mike in the kids in the divorce.
They’re as devastated as you are.”

I shook my head, “I’m
not devastated. I’m happy.”

“You feel strong and
healed then?”

I sighed, “I feel as
good as I can.
My heart was broken
,
I
can’t deny that
. But I chose to move on and so has he, so there you have
it.”

He nodded, “Then you
should be strong enough to be near him, I mean if you’re healed enough.”

I sighed, “Not even
funny. Don’t you think one manipulation a day is enough?”

He shook his head,
“No, and I feel like the second one is always the more effective one.”

I stuck my tongue out
at him, “Fine, pick me up.”

He smiled, “You’re
sort of bad at the whole hag thing. I’m proposing in a country where gay
marriage is not entirely legal. You need to be more fun and supportive. You
need to be more into shopping and having fun. You’re all about the school work
and the deadlines now.”

“Well, you should be
into checking out hot, young men and going to gay bars with me, and instead,
you are marrying the best man I know.”

He snorted, “Thanks,
I’ve had my share of Y.M.C.A.”

I laughed and sighed.

Full Circle

He got there early,
the day of the show. I was miserable, trying to stuff my
considerably-bigger
breasts into my push-up bra. He leaned on the door of the bathroom and sighed,
“I thought women lost weight when they were stressed.”

I scowled, “It’s my
winter weight. I gain it every winter and lose it every spring. It’s from the
lack of running.”

“It’s from the whole
coconut-cream pie you bought at that scary-ass restaurant, you made me take you
to last week. Did you, or did you not, eat the entire pie?”

I moaned, “I’m not
going. I don’t fit anything.”

He rolled his eyes,
“It’s ten pounds, and it’s all tits and ass. Put on a dress. It’ll hide the
weight.”

“You find something; I
have to powder my face again. I’m blotchy.” I looked like a stressed-out mess.
I sat on the toilet, trying to find my Zen. I’d started taking hot yoga when
the depressive blanket of fog landed on Boston and rained snow and sleet down
on us for months. The heat made me feel better.

He came back with a
gleam in his eye. “This is perfect. It’ll show off the new tattoo.”

I looked at it and
drummed my fingers against the counter. I pulled off my push-up bra and slid
the backless halter dress on. I turned to see my new tattoo. It was a harmony
flower,
the petals were made from hearts. I’d seen it at the
yoga studio. It was to draw harmony into my life. I didn’t want anyone thinking
it was for him. It wasn’t. It was for me. The tattoo sat on my left ribs, close
to my heart. No one would ever see it
unless,
I wore a
backless dress like the one I was wearing. I looked in the mirror. The brown
dress sat a bit short compared to before. My larger butt lifted it a bit. “Is
it obscene?”

He smiled, “It’s
perfect. You look stunning. I would molest you if tits and ass were my thing.”
I smacked his arm, “Stop saying that.”

The front hung in
baggy ripples, preventing anyone from being able to see my nipples, but the
side-boob made it obvious I was not wearing even a cup. The dress sat just
below my butt cheeks. I shook my head, “I can’t do it.” My entire back was
exposed. I would never make it.

He grabbed my hand and
dragged me from the house. He grabbed my purse on the way and locked the door.
I stood there, “Seriously, I can’t do it.”

“See him or the
dress?”

I shook my head,
“Both, neither.”

He laughed and flipped
me over his shoulder, “Let’s go. You’ll make him pay in this. Trust me, he’ll
suffer. He deserves that, at least a bit.”

I wiggled, “Put me
down. My underwear is showing.”

“You’re wearing cotton
jockeys, no one is going to look.”

I laughed and suffered
through the ride down the stairs. He stopped part way, “Whew, that ten pounds
is feeling more like forty.”

I smacked him, “I
weighed this morning. It was only ten. This dress is a six, that’s only fat if
you’re making the mistake of shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.”

He laughed, “Imagine
the legal damage control after that.”

I chuckled as he
placed me on the floor. He pulled me to his car. I was instantly freezing, “I
need a coat.”

He rolled his eyes,
“It’s going to be a thousand degrees in there, stop being such a whiny bitch.”

I snarled as he drove
off.

He was
giddy,
Gerry had been in town for a day so far. That always
meant Dean was excitable.

“Lise is going to be
in the front row,” he mentioned.

I nodded, “Good. I
might need to go hang with her.”

He nudged me,
“Backstage is going to be incredible. You’ll have fun, if you let your hair
down.”

I shook my head, “I
don’t think that’s going to help.”

I took a deep breath
and remembered I was strong and confident, and Asshole Barlow didn’t stand a
chance at making me doubt that. I was fabulous.

He parked in the restricted
spot and put something in his window. He got out and came and dragged me from
the car. He held my hand. I tried to ignore that my hands were sweating all
over his. He walked up to a bouncer and handed him the tickets and a paper. He
opened the door and handed us both a pass. I wrapped mine around my wrist and
walked in.

It was dark and
everything was black. People were bustling and going crazy. It was their first
show at The Bank of America Pavilion. It was a huge deal. I was excited for
them and hating that I cared.

Danny came running up.
He looked so different I hardly knew him. He was dressed in business casual and
looking respectable. It brought an instant smile to my lips. He ran and scooped
me into his arms.

“Who’s the hottie,
Danny boy?”

Danny spun me around,
“This is my little sister, Erin.”

When he set me down, I
noticed the dimply smile of a dark-haired, tall drink of water. He put a hand
out and flashed me
the I
’m with the band smile, “I’m
Leon.” My heart beat a mile a minute. Status checks were revealing I was still
a groupie, and now I was even dressed like one. He glanced at Danny, “She
doesn’t look so little.”

I scowled as Dean
nudged. Danny stepped in front of me, “She’s off-limits to the band.”

I waved at him as Dean
dragged me off, “Bye, Leon.” Gerry mauled me when I got to where he was talking
to someone. He shrieked and attacked
me and Dean
. “My
two favorite people in the whole world.” He pulled back, “What, Danny has to
dress nice, so you decide to take his place as the family whore?”

I clenched my jaw.
Dean looked hurt, “Hey, I picked that out.”

Gerry gave him a
knowing look, “We want Lo…” Dean slapped his hand over Gerry’s mouth, “We say
his, or him, or sometimes Satan. Never the name.”

I swallowed and looked
at Dean, “I want to go home.”

He gripped my hand,
“Who is the strong woman I know, who is literally wearing some very big-girl
panties and kicking some butt at law school?”

I took a huge inhale
and nodded. I smiled and looked at Gerry, “Thank you for the letter.” I was
giddy about the night he was going to have, but I reined it in and kissed his
cheek before I walked past him. I grabbed Danny’s arm, “I want to go to the
front stage area. My friend Lise is there. I don’t want to be back here. I
don’t even want to be here.”

He looked upset,
“Stay. Please stay back here. We told him you were coming and he’s been
better.”

I hardened my heart,
“I don’t give a fuck.”

He nodded, “Still mad,
huh?”

My eyes narrowed. He
put his hands in the air, “Alright, I’ll be back in a minute.”

I wrapped my arms
around myself, wishing I had a jacket or a snowsuit.

“Princess?”

I turned like a
well-trained seal, even though it wasn’t my name. Lochlan…shit I thought his
name… looked rough, sexy rough. It suited his bad boy of rock and roll look.
His dark hair was still in the fohawk-mullet thing and his look was dark as
sin.

“You got a tattoo?” He
looked devastated.

I nodded. I wanted to
say his name again. I wanted to hear it roll off my tongue or around in my
mind.

He looked like he was
going to take a step towards me but I spoke quickly, “Congratulations on the
show. This is huge.”

He smiled bitterly,
“It ain’t no Fargodome, but it’s a step up from the bar circuit.”

I
laughed
,
I couldn’t help myself
.

“My mom is in a home
now.” He looked like he didn’t know why he said it.

I nodded, “I know. She
writes me letters.”

He smiled the most
broken smile, I’d ever seen on his face, “Yeah, Gerry has a new way for her to
press a letter and make words. She uses the iPad he bought her.”

I smiled, “Good. The
blinking made me tired and I was only writing down the numbers.”

“You staying
backstage?”

I shook my head,
hating the look on his face, but I was about to buckle and jump him. I needed
to be away from him, “No. My friends are front row.”

He bit his lip and
winced, “Well, will you stick around after?”

I shook my head with
the last of my self-preservation, “No. I have a lot of homework.”

Dean came to my
rescue, earning himself an evil look from Lochlan. His name was starting to fit
back into my mind. It would be so easy to start saying it again, regardless of
the fact it burned me to do it.

He ignored Lochlan and
pointed, “Danny said they are holding the seat, and some girl who is screaming
right now and freaking out, is taking your place backstage.”

I smiled and nodded,
“Have a good show.”

His eyes got worse,
“Don’t leave,” his words were a whisper.

I turned away quickly
and waved, “See ya ‘round.” I followed Dean to the edge of the curtains. He
rubbed my back, “You did so well.”

I looked at him and
Gerry, “I think I can do this. I can see him if I have to, you know, ‘cause of
you, Danny and Mike.”

“ERIN!” I turned to
see Mike running for me. He picked me up, smelling my neck, “Girl, how have you
been?”

I smiled, “Good.” I
looked behind him to see the dark blue eyes still watching me. I hugged Mike
again and blushed when he gushed, “You look hot.”

Dean nodded, “That is
the response I was looking for.”

“
You
been
lifting weights or something?” Mike grinned, not noticing Lochlan
getting closer and closer behind him.

I shook my head,
ignoring that he had joined the conversation. I spoke softly, “Hot yoga. When
the shitty weather is over, I’ll be running again.”

Gerry smacked me in
the butt, “Dean said she’s been living on coconut-cream pies from some hole in
the earth dive, so she has some extra junk in her trunk. I think it looks good
though. You’re curvy now.
Kind of sexy.
I bet you look
good in the business suits now.”