My Side (29 page)

“I just want to know
why. Alex is right, you owe me that.”

He didn’t walk to me.
He looked down, “I just want you gone. I don’t want to do this anymore. I have
to focus on my mom and Thin Ice and I don’t have room. You’re too much work.”

I got up and slowly
walked to him, “You’re making a decision for me?”

His face stayed
frozen, “Just run away, like you always do. I’m giving you permission to go
this time.”

I looked up at him, “I
always saw you as so brave and strong. You overcame so many things and saved
that Andrew guy.” I nodded, “You had me fooled. I have to give it to you. I
always believed you were the better one; I wasn’t worthy because I couldn’t
shine as bright as you.” I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm and spun me.

He looked desperate
and angry, “I need this.”

I shoved him, ripping
the mace from my dress pocket and holding it out, “YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!”
I pulled my other arm free and wiped my face, “I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I
WISH I NEVER MET YOU!” I took a deep breath and calmed my fury, as I backed up
with my mace still out, “I hate you, Lochlan Barlow. I hate you.”

I turned and left the
yard. I ran as fast as I could to Gerry’s house. I knocked on the door.
Gerry answered
,
his face broke
. He
wrapped around me but I shook my head, “I just need a ride to the airport and
my shit from Judith’s.”

Danny looked psycho. I
pointed at him, “You stay here. You get it under control. I’m your sister
first, and this is the best you there
has
ever been.
So you stay and make it work with him. You make it work.”

He looked sick. I
looked at Mike, “Get him drunk and don’t let him go to Judith’s. Don’t let him
fight with Loch.”

I walked with Gerry
back to Lochlan’s, “How did you know?”

He gave me a sideways
look,
“I could see it on him. He was shutting you out. I’ve
played those cards before.”

We got close. I
stopped, “I’ll wait here.”

He nodded weakly.

It was Alex who came
in his BMW. I shook my head, “You need to be with your family.”

He laughed, “I’m going
to strangle my fucking idiot of a brother, if I stay there another minute. So
get in and stop being a pain in the ass.”

I relented when I saw
Lochlan running towards us and climbed in. I ignored his screams and his face,
as we drove past him.

“I called and booked
your flight for you. I imagine this has cost you a lot of money.”

I gave him a disgusted
look, “I don’t want anything from you.”

He looked hurt, “I may
look like him but I’m not him.” His jaw trembled. “He’s doing this, pushing you
away, because…” I put a hand out, “Stop. He’s a big
boy,
he’s made his choice. He has to live with it. I am done with him.”

He snorted, “You’re
both so selfish, it’s insane. You can’t see that he’s trying to spare you.”

I looked at him with
daggers, “Spare me from what? Being part of his life? Dealing with the awful
things that happen to people? Fuck that. He asked me to marry
him, that
would mean good times and bad. You know how close
I was to saying yes? Had he asked a second time, it would have been a yes. I am
against marriage and giving up your life for another person; it was bred into
me. But for him, I would give it all up. I already had my email written to
school, telling them I wouldn’t be returning, because Judith needed me and so
he could go on the road. Don’t you dare call me
selfish.
Fuck you. You should have quit dental school and helped take care of her and
Lissie too. She should have stayed a substitute but she didn’t. Your poor
father worked himself to death, trying to keep her comfortable and alive. Only
Loch stayed and took care of her, you two took care of yourselves. Don’t call
us selfish.”

He nodded, “I’m sorry.
I didn’t know. I just thought this was you running away again.”

I bit my lip, “You
expect me to beg him to let me stay? I have just a smidge more pride than that,
I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.”

I looked out the
window, “It doesn’t matter anyway. He isn’t ever going to be able to juggle
Judith, his career, and a relationship.”

He looked like he was
going to say something but he didn’t.

I hugged him when we
got to the airport, “I’m sorry I said that about you and Lissie. I don’t
believe that. I think you did exactly, what Al would have wanted you to do. He
was so proud of all three of you.”

He nodded, “Thank you.
I’m sorry I called you selfish.”

I shook my head, “I
am. If I write her letters, will you help her read them?”

He started to cry and
nodded.

I didn’t cry. I kissed
his cheek and left dry-eyed. I was done crying for all of them. Well, except
Judith. I would visit her on spring break. I would just make sure he was gone
on a concert or something.

I took a deep breath
and prepared for my flight, another one alone and scared. That would be fun to
add to my broken heart.

When we were young

“Erin, I really think
you should consider coming to our firm for the summer practicum. I’m
recommending you.” His smug face made me angry. He was so full of himself. I
used to think rock stars were the egotistical men of the world… Matthew Price
was the example of how wrong I was to assume they owned the franchise. He was
suave, handsome, and a complete, fucking tool.

A tool I smiled at,
with all my heart. I had been for two months. He was a partner in a successful,
corporate law firm. I had once wanted to put away bad guys. That dream ended,
along with a few others.

I nodded, “Thank you,
Mr. Price. I was thinking of it. Dean has told me all about it.” Dean gave me a
look and twitched his head no. I smiled at him, “He speaks very highly of you.”

Dean laughed and
patted Mr. Price on the back, “Yes, well… we are old friends.”

Matthew scoffed,
“Speak for yourself—I am in my prime.” He crossed his arms and gave Dean
a serious look, “You will ensure she ends up in my hands, won’t you?”

Dean swallowed, “Well,
we have some excellent placements for students. I’m sure she will pick your
office, but you never know.”

I smiled, “Of course,
I will. If you’ll have me.” I regretted the words as I said them. I watched
Matthew’s face change to that of a wolf and Dean’s eyes darkened with a furrow.
I stammered, “I-I-I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of great candidates, but
your firm interests me the most.”

He nodded, “Excellent.
We will be in touch at the end of May.” He smiled at Dean, “We need to meet up
for some racquet ball.”

Dean nodded, “Yes,
that would be lovely.”

Matthew took my hand
in his, “Until we meet again.” He delicately stroked his fingers along mine and
walked away.

I gave Dean a look as
the classroom emptied, “He’s so creepy but I want that job.”

He shook his head, “I
forbid it.”

I laughed and handed
in my paper with a smug look. Dean shook his head, “I liked you better when you
were struggling.” I laughed, “I liked you better, when I still had a faint hope
that you were straight, and possibly going to hit on me.”

He whacked me on the
head with a paper and pointed, “Go, smart ass. I’ll see you in an hour for
coffee?”

I nodded.

Dean was the only old
piece left of the old
me, him and the apartment
. I
wasn’t leaving the apartment though. It was chance to finally make it mine. I
boxed up the asshole’s shit and burned his sheets and mailed the ashes of the
sheets along with the boxes, to Nashville... C.O.D. Then I went out and I
bought new sheets and made the room pretty.

January and February
in Boston were cold, but March was worse. My heart was colder as the time went
on too. I was quickly becoming the stone fox I needed to be. Thanks to the boy
I never named, my womanly wiles were found. I used them to manipulate like a
boss. The apartment looked the way I had always wanted it to. It was clean,
white, and shiny, like my straight hair. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t
see myself in my eyes. I saw a girl who scared me, but that was good for the
job I wanted to have.

Was the job ever going
to be enough? I didn’t know that for sure. It would never be enough to make me
forget being with him. There was never going to be anything that was enough to
fill the void. Nothing could compare to him. It was a pity I never fully
realized it, until after he’d pushed me away. I regretted the time I’d spent
running from him. It could have been so much better spent.

I sat in the chair at
Starbucks and sipped my coffee.

He came in smiling,
“How are you, since I last saw you fawning over Mr. Price?”

I grinned, “Good. “I’m
taking that summer term if I get it.
Anyway, enough of that.
I got a letter from Judith
today,
well Gerry
translated it for her. He said we had to read it together.” I pulled it from my
purse and laid it down. Dean lifted it and smelled it. He smiled, “Still
wearing Dirty English.”

I laughed, “It
probably reminds him of you.”

He stuck his tongue
out. His accent was so
faded,
no one ever really
noticed it. I certainly hadn’t, until we got drunk on New Year’s. Gerry had
sent him over to rescue me, after I spent Christmas alone. I had been ready to
board my flight home, when I discovered Danny wasn’t going home alone. I’d had
a bad feeling Danny might bring the one person I couldn’t see… and he had. When
I cancelled, Danny ratted me out to Gerry for not going to North Dakota. Gerry
had to be with his family in Seattle and hadn’t been able to come to my rescue,
so he sent the next best thing. Dean took me to a gay and lesbian bar, and I
could truly say I’d had a blast.

Dean gave me an odd
look, “Where were you just now?”

I shook my head, “Just
lost for a second.”

He smiled, “Want me to
read it?”

I nodded and sipped my
caramel macchiato.

He opened it, smelling
it once more, and began to read.

“Dearest, we miss you
more than anything. The boys miss you. All of them.” He stopped and smiled
knowingly. I remained stoic. He took the hint and continued, “When I was young
and in love, I wanted to be a flight attendant. I even went to school for it. I
met Al at the airport the day we were given our assignments. I got New York. I
had done well. Al asked me out and I agreed. I never expected to love him
immediately. He was charming and slightly crazy, all controllers were. He
begged me to stay with him and see where we could go with our relationship. I
turned him down, chasing my dreams. He showed up in New York a few weeks later,
begging me to come home. I saw the look in those eyes; they got so intense and
frightened when faced with the possibility of losing me. I switched with a girl
in Nashville and took the lesser posting. I have never regretted that decision.
He knew from the minute he met me. It took me longer to see, but he always
knew. I am writing you from my new home. Gerry and Alex helped me move here.
Lissie is convincing Lochlan it is a good idea. You see I never cared about
being home after the
stroke,
I only cared about being
where Al was. He was my home.” Dean stopped reading and fanned his damp eyes
with the letter, “Oh wow.”

I held my stiff upper
lip until I saw the tear slip from his eye. We dabbed our eyes. Dean’s voice
broke as he read, “I am happy to be in a home, so my children can live their
lives and find love and happiness for themselves. No parent wants to be a
burden. My children are brilliant and beautiful, and it’s just like you said,
they love each love in their own special way. I am glad that Lochlan found you,
and I hope to God, that he will earn his way back into your heart one day.
Thank you for seeing him and being his shelter.” Dean stopped, “I can’t fucking
do this here.”

I sobbed into my
napkin and laughed, “Jesus Christ. She is the queen of manipulation. She’s
doing that from a wheelchair with a blinking letter.”

He put the letter
down, “Wow, that was bad. She is good. Don’t you agree?”

I shrugged, “I need to
worry about me. I can’t fall into that trap again.”

He sipped his coffee
and wiped his eyes again, “Oh I don’t know, I think you might, if given the
right opportunity.”

I sneered at him,
“Worry about your own backyard. You forget your boyfriend is hanging with
Satan’s gay twin.”

He shrugged and played
with the smile crossing his lips, “I trust Gerry.” His eyes narrowed, “Stop
being such a bitch. Besides, Alex is dating someone.”

I leaned forward,
“What?” I snatched the letter, skipping the rest of the part that was Judith’s
diction, and went to the mushy shit intended for Dean. I gasped, “He’s dating a
dental hygienist?”

He smiled, “I won’t
lie, that makes me feel better.”