My Side (27 page)

He glanced at the mug
of steaming coffee, “Did you make my coffee?” He sounded skeptical.

Crossing my arms and
looking hurt, “Don’t act like I never do things for you.”

He wrapped his arms
around me, “I know you do, just not things like that.” He sat up, dragging me
with him. He sipped the coffee and nodded, “You know how to make my coffee?”

I winked at him and
shot him my cheesy grin, “I’m full of all kinds of surprises.” I got up and
walked out of the room with swagger, “Hurry up.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

My heart melted. No
one on earth could say yes ma’am, the way a boy from Tennessee could.

We stayed for two more
days. I lost my job and got my first warning email about missing classes. But I
laughed harder than I ever had. I smiled bigger than I could imagine doing,
especially considering the circumstances. And I relaxed into the crook of his
arm, like I belonged there. Me, Danny, and Gerry stayed with Judith, so Alex,
Lissie, and Loch could all go out for dinner with their dad. When they got
home, Loch never looked freer.

We got back to Boston
mid-afternoon the next day. I went for a run and he, Gerry, and Danny went to
deal with band stuff. When he got back, I was working like a slave to catch up
on the papers I needed to finish, and definitions I needed to memorize. He kissed
the side of my face; I waved him away. He laughed, “Nice. I come to tell you we
have been invited to replace another band and perform live at the MTV music
awards in the Netherlands, and you swat me.”

My jaw dropped,
“What?”

He nodded, “There was
a series of terrible storms, so it got switched from November to December. It’s
next week and we got invited. One of the other bands had to back out. Lead
singer had to have vocal surgery.”

I looked at Danny who
was eating yogurt from the big container in the fridge, “Shut the front door!”

Danny nodded, “I’m
going to get laid so much.”

I grimaced, “Not if
you eat like that.”

I jumped up, grabbing
Lochlan. He wrapped around me, “Can you come?”

My stomach sank, I
shook my head,
“All my finals are next week and the week
after.
It’s from the 6
^th
to the 13th of December. There is no
way I can miss them, I’ll blow the entire semester.”

He looked like he
might… but he didn’t flip out, he stayed calm and nodded, “I’ll get the guys to
record my every move.”

I shook my head,
feeling like I was the old ball and chain. “Baby, have fun. When the fuck does
this happen to anyone? I’ll see the performance live and enjoy every second of
it. If you kiss a celebrity or let girls maul you, I’ll make my drink extra
strong and try to take it like a man. When you get home you’ll be given a few
minutes to explain. If your explanation is oh man, I was so drunk—I mace
you.”

He looked amused,
“Funny.”

I shook my head, “Not
funny, deal or no deal.” I put my hand out.

He gave me a hesitant
look, “You ever been sprayed by that shit?”

I tilted my head. He
sighed and took my hand in his, “You’re sort of mean,
you
know that right?”

I nodded, “And yet, I
won’t lose any sleep over it.”

Danny shook his head,
“I wouldn’t agree to shit with her, not shit like that. Her brain works in evil
ways.”

Lochlan gave me the
smile, making my heart race, “I’d agree to anything.”

Danny flopped into a
chair, “That is because you are a sucker, my friend.”

I gave him a look, but
Lochlan just shook his head, “You wait. I was like you until August 12
^th
.”

I poked
him,
“You picked a chick up on the way home from the
restaurant that day.”

He winked, “That was
the last one. I swear. I thought about you the entire…”

My hand shot up,
covering his mouth, “Oh my God, do not finish that sentence. And you forget
about the girl at Costco.”

He laughed, “Okay,
that was the last one, I swear. Besides she doesn’t count, Gerry went all
mean-ass ho on her. Mocked that lovely tattoo on her back that looked like a
bullseye.” He winked at Danny who was howling and leaning against the counter
for support.

I shuddered, “What the
heck? I need a bath and a whiskey. Gross.” I stopped and looked at him, “Why
the hell all the bets and the bravado if you weren’t sleeping with other
people?”

He blushed, “I never
worked so hard to get laid in all my life. You had me thinking constantly of
new ways to impress you, or how I would be able to spend time with you. I just
knew I had to make you mine.”

I nodded and slumped
back down on the couch. He was killing me. I forced myself to pick my book back
up. He sat beside me and turned the TV on and passed me his iPod and Beats. I
pulled them on and turned on the playlist he’d made for me. They watched
something about people who lived in a swamp or girls with gators.

Somehow, I got lost in
the books and the music and when I surfaced, he and Danny were passed out. I
stole the remote and turned on my favorite movie on Netflix, The Jane Austen
Book club.

When Loch woke, it was
the scene where the teacher was standing at the intersection, looking at the
boy across the sidewalk. I shuddered with a sob.

“Are you crying?”

I shook my head, “No.”

He wiped my tears,
“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head,
“Nothing. I love this movie.”

He looked horrified,
“That is something I will never understand about girls.”

He pulled me in,
passing me some tissues. When the movie was over, he was out cold again. I
climbed off the couch and crept to bed. I lay there for a minute, thinking and
feeling the things I had pretended to be okay with. Things like I was settling
with the belief that his magic was bigger than my own. God blessed his purpose,
whereas mine was run of the mill. There was a terrible whisper in the back of
my mind that taunted me. It told me I would tire of being second fiddle and
less important. I would tire of his love when I didn’t see myself in his eyes
anymore.

I pulled up my girl
panties and scolded my low self-esteem. I knew none of that would ever happen.
Well… I hoped. When I fell asleep, I was certain we would be together forever.

The passing

I finished the last
exam and knew I’d fucked myself. Law school took a serious commitment, and I
had barely given fifty percent. If I passed it would be some kind of miracle.
My phone vibrated as I left the exam. I looked, at yet another picture of a
massive beer, and Danny smoking a huge joint. I laughed and shook my head. The
MTV music awards had been mind blowing. The show was insane, and they rocked it
like they’d been doing it for a hundred years, like the Rolling Stones. They
were staying in Europe for a few extra days to do some last-minute shows. I
spent the entire week he’d been gone, watching the live performance over and
over like a freakshow.

Dean caught up with me
in the hallway, “Hey.” He grabbed my arm.

I smiled, “Hey, how’s
it going?”

He shook his head, “I
marked your tests and I’m confused. Are you blowing this on purpose?”

I shook my head, “No,
I’ve just been caught up in it all, ya know.”

He linked his arm in
mine, “Let’s go get a coffee. You need a peppy speech and I happen to rock
those like I a boss.”

I rolled my eyes,
“You’re starting to sound like Gerry and them.”

He snorted, “At least
I’m not giving up my dreams to be with them.”

“Dean, he’s not a
normal guy. My dreams barely register with his life.”

He gave me a bizarre
look, “You mean because he has ADHD and his mom is dying? You think there
aren’t a thousand like him in this state alone?”

I met his challenging
look, “Are they performing live and having every second of their bad behavior
scrutinized like he his? I’d say he’s one in a billion.”

He ran his hands
through his hair, “Erin, you have to have something that’s yours. Every
relationship needs that.”

I shook my head, “My
parents both have something that’s theirs and they don’t have each other
anymore. They wanted their own things too much. If you watch celebrity couples,
one always hangs back a bit, lets the other one have the lime light.”

He rolled his eyes,
“You aren’t exactly a celebrity couple.”

I laughed, “Harsh, I
mean… I’m cool with pulling back and supporting him.”

“So you’re okay with
blowing all that money and the semester, because he’s a dramatic rock star?”

I shook my head, “I’m
not okay with it. I just want to be there for him. They start tours next year;
they’re already booked into seventeen. That’s a lot of shows. Three are sold
out. He is going to need me.”

He crossed his arms,
releasing me, “Why? Are you a magical pill or are you just trying to convince
him he needs you, so you feel justified in your suspicions of him?”

Guilt tore into me,
“No offense sir, but screw you.”

He laughed bitterly,
“We aren’t doing the teacher-student thing right now and you know it.”

“I made a mess of our
relationship. I made him feel like he had to choose me or the music.”

He grabbed my shoulders,
“Honey, the solution isn’t him or your career.
It’s
trusting him and letting him rock. I’m not stressed about Gerry. If he doesn’t
want to be with me anymore or finds someone new, I’ll be devastated; but I’m
worthy of someone who wants to be with me, as I am. Gerry isn’t the only man in
the world and he’s not the reason I’m happy. I’m happy on my terms. He makes
all the good things better.” His words resonated. “Don’t drop it. You’ll have
to pull your grades up next semester but don’t drop out. I’ll help you.”

I nodded. It was the
choice I wanted. If I was honest with myself and standing at the crosswalk like
the teacher, I would choose my dreams—not let guilt and a lack of trust
get me down. “Thank you.”

He shook his head,
“It’s my job.”

I went home after
coffee and took a hot bath. My phone rang, just as I was getting settled. I sat
up and dried my hand.

“Hello?”

It was Alex, “Hey,
Erin.”

I smiled, “Hi. How are
you?”

“Not good.”

My stomach dropped.

“What’s happened? Is
it Judith?”

He sighed, “No. Mom is
good. She’s doing great. It’s Dad, if you can believe it.”

“Fuck off.”

“Not even kidding.
He’s had a massive heart attack. The doctor sad it was just a matter of time,
and this whole year has been so stressful for them. He’s getting stabilized and
then they’re doing surgery.”

“His cholesterol?”

“Yes and blood
pressure, and diabetes, and whatever else he has going on that he hasn’t warned
us about.”

I closed my eyes,
“Have you called Lochlan?”

“Mom doesn’t want him
called. She wants him to focus on himself and the band. She wants him to stay
in Europe and do the shows.”

I gasped, “His fucking
dad is about to have surgery. He needs to come home.”

“I know. They feel
like a burden and like they’re holding him back. And you know him, he’s going
to say that him leaving Dad to care for her himself, and the stress of his
career, is what caused this.”

I felt something I’d
never felt before, ”You know that’s not true.” I would protect him from
anything, including them.

“I know. But you know
what he’s like. He’s going to say this was his fault, and quit music. Erin,
he’ll quit the band, just like he did the job he had lined up.”

I pulled the plug on
the tub, “I’ll be there as fast as I can be.” I called my Dad and begged for
him to book my flight. I was nearly broke. I turned on the water works; it was
easy.

My back was aching,
and I was flooded with memories of the article I’d read about radiation on
planes. I ate my salted peanuts and drank my ginger ale, trying not to rock and
think about plane crashes. At least the flight was only just over two hours.

Lissie picked me up.
She looked rough. I hugged her, letting her cry on my shoulder.

“He’s not strong
enough for surgery. They can’t do anything.”

I closed my eyes and
just breathed. I didn’t know what to say. My phone started ringing. I pulled it
out and answered, still holding her, “Hey.”

I smiled, “Hey.” He
sounded good. I hated that I was about to ruin that.

“We just got home and
you’re not here. I saw your carry-on was gone. You okay?”

I nodded, “No.” I
couldn’t lie to him. Lissie pulled back and nodded, “Tell him.”

I handed her the
phone, “Do you want to?”

“Is that my sister?
What the fuck is going on?”