My Side (15 page)

He shook his
head,
“I can’t be happy and see you like this.”

I shrugged, “I just
need a day. I’ll be fine. I never let it go that far.”

He gave me a dubious
look. I smiled weakly, “Truly, I only let myself fall yesterday. I just didn’t
know how far the fall was with him.”

He shook his head,
“Take all the time you need. The spare room is ready for you. Danny slept there
last night, but tonight he went home with some blonde.”

I made a face, “You
guys are so nasty. You’ll fuck anything.”

He scoffed, “That’s
bitterness talking and it’s not attractive, Erin. And don’t lump me in that
group.”

I gave him a cocky
look,
“Being gay doesn’t make you less of a man in a band.”

He stuck his tongue
out at me. I walked down the hall to the bedroom. I didn’t make it all the way
when the pounding started.

“ERIN!” Lochlan
screamed into the doorframe. His demons had him. He rattled the handle. Gerry
answered the door, “Loch, you’re going to get me evicted. Stop.”

“ERIN!”

Gerry’s soft tone
changed, “Enough.”

Lochlan sounded
desperate, “Dude, just let me in.”

“I don’t think that’s
a good idea. She’s upset.”

I leaned my face
against the wall and closed my eyes.

He sounded like he was
about to switch and let the beast out completely, “Ger, man, don’t get
involved. Just let me see her. I just want to explain. I swear. I’m cool.” He
sounded like a junky.

Gerry softened, “Come
back tomorrow, when you’re cooled off for real. Okay?”

He raged, “NO!”

I jumped at the fury
in his voice and quickly walked around the corner, before he hurt Gerry and
then hated himself for it. His look was dark and crazed. His anger melted when
he saw me, “It’s not what you think. The bouncer told me what you saw. It’s not
what you think.”

I nodded, “I know.”

He swallowed, like he
was trying to understand, “What do you mean?”

I blinked the tears
out of my eyes, so I could see again, “I know. Congratulations on the deal.”

He looked
flabbergasted, “Who fucking cares about it? I want to explain to you. Don’t
leave.”

I crossed my arms, “Go
home, Loch.”

He grabbed my bags off
the floor and gave me his black stare, “You come home, or I won’t be
responsible for the things I do. I’ll end up trashing the fucking place and
then we’re both homeless. Jesus.” He walked out with my stuff. Gerry gave me a
look. It was exactly what he’d talked about. Lochlan was so close to his goal
and he would shoot himself in the foot again.

I followed him but
stopped beside Gerry, “I’m sorry I brought this here.”

He shook his head, “I
don’t know if you should go.”

I gave him a weak
smile, “He won’t hurt me. Not like that. Besides it’s better for the band if he
calms down.”

When I got on the
street he was there. He was holding my bags, “You can’t do this and not talk to
me. This is about me too.” The veins in his arms were jacked, like he’d just
worked out. They made his tattoos more ominous.

I nodded, “I was just
mad. I’m sorry.” I felt myself shutting him off. I would help him calm down but
my heart was gone. He didn’t see it on the floor of the bar, he probably
stepped on it and didn’t realize.

He gave me a pleading
look,
I could see in the street light that the blue in his
eyes was lightening again as his brow lifted. His anger was calming and the
beast was leaving. “I would have stopped her, but she was in the middle of
offering us a contract. I told you, it’s part of the act.”

“I get it.”

He looked torn, “I see
you not getting it. This isn’t fair, Erin. You need to give me a fucking break
here. I just won the
God-damned
lottery for musicians.
You’re making this about you. You never see my side.”

I shook my head as the
pain started to surface, “What if some guy came up to me and started grinding
against me, rubbing his cock on me?”

He looked crazed
instantly, “Did that happen? That fucking bar is a pit. I don’t want you coming
there anymore. We won’t be playing the bars much longer anyway.”

I shook my head,
taking patient breaths, “Hypothetically.” My tone was showing the signs of my
anger.

“Hypothetically, I’d
break his arms and then mace him with your little friend there.” He said it so
matter of
fact, that
I had to shake my head at him.

I pointed at him, “You
winked and gave her the smile you always give me. You let her press her tits
all over you and kiss you. So should I go mace her?”

He sighed, “You drive
me insane. I told you—it’s the act. Why can’t you be happy for me,
instead of jealous and insecure?”

I lost it, the
snapping sound in my brain was so loud,
I
figured he
must have heard it too. I was breathing like fire would come out of my mouth
any second, “Fine. I was thinking about getting a job. I’ll apply to Hooters
and a few strip joints and we’ll see how you feel, when I give strangers lap
dances.” It was petty and only making him worse, but I was angry. I couldn’t
stop myself. He’d called me out on my being insecure.

He laughed, dropping
the bags. He took a huge step towards
me,
cupping my
face in his hands, “Look into my eyes, princess. There’s no one there but you.
You’re jealous of yourself. There’s no one else in my eyes.” He pressed his lips
against mine, but all it did was seal the fate of our day-old relationship. The
kiss felt like a goodbye. He felt it too. He tried to force it to be something
it wasn’t.

“It can’t work, Loch,”
I whispered into his lips.

He stepped back, “Just
don’t leave. I won’t touch you, please just don’t leave.”

I nodded, “Okay.” It
was like winning the lottery. He wanted to be friends again… maybe. Maybe we
would just torture each other. Either way, I didn’t want to be the reason he
blew the whole record deal for everyone else. He was gripping to me because of
the stress of everything in his life. He was so close to success, and the last
time he blew it was with a moment just like this one. I nodded against him, “I
won’t leave.”
Even if he had called me jealous and insecure.
I had no argument for that. The proof was there.

We walked to his car.
He threw everything in the back seat and drove with no words. When we got back
to the apartment, I covered my mouth, looking at the mess he’d already made.

He stood beside me, overshadowing
me and spoke flatly, “I panicked. I thought that guy from North Dakota came for
you. I thought I’d left you vulnerable and you wouldn’t answer your phone. So
yeah, I got mad,” he muttered. “I went back to the club to find out who had
seen you last. Jimmy, the bouncer told me what happened.”

My insides burned,
looking at the mess everywhere. “I’m so sorry.”

He shook his head,
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that shit to you. I’m making you
insecure.” He carried my stuff to the bedroom and walked back out, as I closed
the front door and locked it. He looked rough, “I’ll quit.”

I laughed on the verge
of tears, “Quit what? Quit being you?”

He shook his head and
knelt in front of me. I was only slightly taller than him with him on his
knees, “Quit the band.”

I ran my hand down his
cheek, “You can’t quit being you. That’s you up there on the stage, winking at
the ladies and having fun. You’re alive up there. It’s me that’s taking
something amazing and rare and ruining it. It’s like dating a God. I’m bringing
you down to my level, with my problems and flaws and ruining you.”

He ignored me as usual
and changed the subject, “Can we give it time?”

I sighed, “Loch, we
had sex and we live together.
Time for what?
We fucked
up, just like I said we would.”

His eyes glistened,
“Slow it down. Take it back to the flirty place we were yesterday.”

I shook my head, “No.”

“Can we be friends?”

I kissed his forehead,
“Of course.”

“Same deal as before?”

“Yup.”

He looked a bit
relieved. He took a breath, “I want to take it all back. I want to take it
back.”

I sighed, “Me too.”

Cold feet

Classes dragged on. I
always wanted to text him. Even worse, I wanted him to text me, but he’d done
the friendship thing perfectly. He hadn’t overstepped his boundaries once. He
was worse than before.

We laughed and joked,
and he ordered me food and plated my food. It was blissfully normal in the
fakest way imaginable, and I seemed like the only one who saw how awkward it
was.

All I could do was
wonder, if he was fucking other girls when he wasn’t at home, or if the reason
he didn’t meet my eyes with his, was guilt. He signed boobs and kissed cheeks
whenever we left the house. He posed for pictures. I got to the point that I
never left the house, except for class and groceries.

He acted like it was
normal that all we did was hang out in the apartment, watching entire series on
Netflix.

I knew it wasn’t.

I left class and
headed for the Starbucks near the house. Gerry was meeting me. He was worried
about me. I was too. I wasn’t any happier with him being Lochlan Barlow and
single, than I was when he was my Loch.

I walked, noticing the
bite in the air. The end of October was cold, compared to the muggy warmth of
September. I wrapped my sweater around me tighter and walked quickly.

“Erin!”

I looked back to see
one of my professors. I waved, “Hey, Dean.” He insisted we called him by his
name. He was the cool teacher.

He jogged over,
smiling. He was good looking and only about thirty-five, at the most, so he was
the typical hot prof.

“I meant to talk to
you about the civil rights paper you handed in.” He breathed heavily as he
reached me. His charming smile faded into a serious look. He cocked a dark
eyebrow and ran his hand through his short chestnut hair, “It wasn’t your best
work.”

I winced, “Sorry.” I
didn’t have time to worry about it; my torts homework was also due.

He shook his head and
pulled it from his briefcase, “Here, I’m giving you a second chance.”

I gave him a confused
look, “What?”

He nodded and started
walking the way I was going, “Yeah. I know you’re good for at least an A, if
not an A plus. This was shit. I gave you a C.”

I laughed, giving him
a wounded look, “Don’t sugarcoat it.”

He shook his head,
“Hey, you’re not an undergrad. I’m not going to babysit you.”

I looked down, “I
know.”

He gave me a sideways
look, “I heard Lochlan Barlow broke up with you. I sort of assumed that it was
directly related.”

I gasped, “What?”

He blushed, “Sorry.
I’m not trying to pry.”

“Where did you hear
that?”

He pressed his lips together,
“A blog that follows the band. They said that he was seen with other girls and
you weren’t in the picture anymore.” I almost threw up.

I got control of my
near gagging and frowned, “They knew my name?” He nodded, giving me a grim
look.

I sighed, “You’re a
fan?”

He laughed, “I’m not
that old.”

“My dad’s a fan and
he’s nearly sixty; it isn’t about age.”

Dean shrugged, “He’s
an amazing singer. The drummer is very skilled. They’re just one of those
honest bands that has natural talent. I saw them live in the bars a few times
and it was life changing.
Very raw and moving.
They
love what they do.”

My throat burned.

He
hit
my arm
,
“Forgive me.
I’m sure it hurts to talk
about it.”

I nodded, “Something
like that.” I let it be that Lochlan broke up with me. I let that be the truth,
because what did it matter for my career.

“Where are you
headed?”

I pointed up the
street, “Starbucks.”

He smiled, “Me too.
I’ll walk with you.”

A smile crossed my
lips, “Okay.”

“So did you watch the
footage last night on the case going on in Las Angeles with the mom who
murdered her kids?”

I nodded, “Yeah.
They’re really trying for that insanity plea.”

He scoffed, “She isn’t
insane. She’s selfish. You can see people’s sins in their eyes. Watch hers,
they don’t dart like a crazy woman’s would. She’s sane. She has remorse and
demons in there now. Guilt is impossible to hide in the eyes. If you choose
defense as your career, you have to make sure you inspect the eyes of every
potential client. They say that eyes are the window to the soul, and when it
comes to passionate emotions like hate, love, guilt, and sorrow, that’s true.”