My Side (17 page)

Brian was
stoked,
he actually used that word, that I was able to start
Friday.

I sat on the couch,
doing homework and watching another episode of Downton Abbey when Danny came
in. He gave me a look, “You’re not watching the performance?”

I looked at the clock
and shrugged, “It’s recording.” I had been avoiding it. He did bad things to my
self-control without the singing. Adding
it,
was like
putting gas on a fire.

He grabbed the remote
and changed it to the show. It was obviously cool in the streets where the
stage was. I could see Gerry’s breath when the cameras went to him.

My skin shivered
hearing Lochlan’s voice. When the camera landed on him, my heart skipped a few
beats. I couldn’t breathe. He was rocking it, as always. He held the microphone
in his left hand and hopped with his right hand in the air. He kicked with the
drums and bent down towards the crowd. He pointed at someone up front, winking
and grinning.

I felt sick but I
couldn’t look away. He was my own personal train wreck.

He finished the song
and shouted into the microphone, “We want to thank y’all for having us. Big
shout out to Boston and the amazing folks there for helping us get to where we
are. And I personally want to shout out to North Dakota, the state that holds
my heart! Goodnight Detroit!”

The crowd erupted.

“He says that North
Dakota thing ever night now,” Danny muttered.

I nodded, “Great.”

Lochlan waved and
walked off the stage. The camera zoomed in on him. The broadcasters were
talking, but I just watched as he pulled his phone out.

‘
You having a good night?
’ I instantly, got the text I watched him
send.

I smiled when I saw
it.

‘Yup!’

A different band
walked onto the stage and the crowd started back up again.

‘I have some good news!’

I smiled, ‘
What?’

‘Gonna call, that cool?’

‘Yup.’

I answered on the
first ring, “Hey.”

He laughed, “I can
hear the show in the phone—you’re watching it?”

I took a deep breath,
like hearing his voice made that possible.

“Erin?”

I opened my eyes,
smiling, “Yep. You guys were amazing, as always.”

It got quiet where he
was
suddenly,
“We got invited to do a couple of the
night shows in New York City in November, just before Thanksgiving.”

My jaw dropped, “Oh my
God. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. Can I see
you Friday night? Like we hang out, like before? Maybe go to dinner?”

I ran my hands through
my hair, “I can’t. I have to work.”

His voice sounded
panicked, “You got a job?”

“Yeah. My friend Lise
got me one at that bar you guys always play on Fridays. I start there this
Friday.”

He didn’t talk. I
pulled the phone from my face, checking for signal. “Hello?”

He sounded pissed,
“You can’t work there. Brian is a pig and tries to sleep with every chick that
works there. He’s famous for his job interview.”

I scowled, “I already
have the job. I don’t need an interview. And you work there, what do you care?”

His tone didn’t
improve, “You can’t work there.”

I sighed, “Okay well,
we can talk about it when you get home on Friday.” I hated that I was the on
thin ice with him for the sake of Thin Ice. If I rocked the boat, he’d trash a
hotel room or beat someone up. God only knew.

“I’ll be home
tonight.”

I sighed, “You have
shit to do. Stop being a pain in the ass. How’s this, I won’t work a shift
until you speak to Brian and assure him, I am to be left to work and not hit
on.”

He paused again.
“Deal.”

Another deal.

“I am looking out for
you.”

I licked my lips, “I
know.” I knew he thought he was, but it felt more like being controlled and I
didn’t want any of that.

“I miss you,
princess.”

I nodded, even though
he couldn’t see me, “I know. I miss you too, beast.”

He laughed but it was
bitter and sad, “I want to take it back. I want it to be like it was.”

I sighed, “I know, me
too.” Guess I wasn’t the only one noticing the awkwardness.

I heard a bunch of
people in the background yelling at him. He closed a door and whispered, “Do
you think it feels like we can’t go back, because we’re supposed to go forward?
Not like move on, but be with each other?”

I wanted to shout yes,
but I held my breath until I could keep it calm; it was my heart on the line
not his. “No. I think if we ever went forward, it would be under a different
situation. Right now, I’m pretty sure my GPA is taking a hard hit and you have
to focus on the band. They need you and you need them.”

He sighed, “I know.
It’s not good for business to have a mopey lead singer. I know how this works.”

“Is Gerry hounding
you?”

He was silent for a
minute, “Did you talk about me to Gerry? About how I would let the band down?”

I didn’t want to say
no, because that wasn’t entirely true and I would never lie. “I’ve never told
anyone you would let the band down. I don’t believe that’s a possibility.
You’re a hard worker and a star. I believe in you.”

“You do?” he sounded
surprised.

Tears filled my eyes
and I didn’t even know why, “Yeah. Of course, I do.”

“I gotta go.”

I was about to say bye
when I heard the phone beep, like I’d lost the call. I stared at the blank
phone and then went to bed. Sleep was better than constantly thinking about
him. But my sleep betrayed me. I dreamt about him.

I was mid-dream when
something cold was touching me, waking me up. I spun, almost leaping out of bed
for my mace, but I realized it was Lochlan. His cologne and smell was in the
air around me.

“What are you doing?
Are you really here?”

He gave me a kiss on
the cheek, “If this isn’t okay, I’ll go sleep with Danny in my bed.”

I pointed at the door,
“It’s not okay.”

He brushed his lips
against mine, every so slightly, touching his tongue to my top lip, “You’ll get
over it.”

I laughed, “Why are
you home?” he always ignored the parts he didn’t want to hear.

He rolled me on my
side, facing away from him and spooned me. “I told you, I would see you
tonight.”

He kissed my neck and
pulled me into him so hard, I was sure we would become one person.

“What’s changed?” I
asked into the silent dark.

“I can’t live without
you. I won’t. I’m yours, body and soul, and I’m done pretending we can be
friends.”

I blink a tear down my
cheek, “Fair enough.”

He took a deep breath
of air from my neck, “Last night I had this dream. I was on stage, and I had a
horrid feeling that you weren’t watching me sing. I woke up and the hotel room
smelled… like sterile or something.” He took another long sniff of my hair, “I
realized that it doesn’t feel like I’m inhaling all the way, unless you’re part
of the air I’m breathing.”

I turned to face him,
pressing my tear-stained face against his. My tears mixed with our kiss but I
didn’t ever care. “I just want you,” I whispered.

He dragged my shorts
down and then his. I pulled my tank top off. My warmth and his cold mixed, like
my tears and our kiss. We slid against each other, caressing, but I was
impatient. I climbed under him, forcing him between my legs. He kissed my
throat as he pushed himself into me.

“You’re already wet.”

I nodded, “I was
dreaming about you, when you woke me up.” He pushed into me hard, forcing a
gasp from my lips. He filled me up, his light, his craziness, his body,
everything. Even his demons made me feel whole, like they needed me. I wrapped
my legs around his waist and let him make me feel complete. The touching and
thrusting was slow and methodical. Every movement served a purpose.

“I love you, princess,
with my whole heart,” he murmured into my ear as he bit my lobe.

I gripped his
shoulders, pulling him onto me… into me farther, “Bite it harder.”

He moaned into my
nape, “Why?” his words were breathy as his body thrust in and out of me.

I clung to him, “I
want to make sure I’m awake, I think I’m dreaming still.” He had not just said
that he loved me. I ignored the words and let everything be the dream I’d been
having.

I felt him shake his
head, “If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up either.” I agreed silently. I
wanted
the us
that was okay in the apartment. I wanted
the fantasy. The reality was, I would screw it up again.

Unspectacularly wrong

I woke to the smell of
bacon. I smiled and climbed out of bed. His sweats and tee shirt were on the
floor. I pulled them on and stumbled out of the room. My stomach was still in
knots. I didn’t know what it meant, what we were. It felt too big to try to
sort out. He’d said he loved me. I didn’t want to think about that. I liked
that he’d flown home to see me. That was all I was going to focus on, that and
the bacon.

But it was Danny
frying the bacon when I got to the kitchen. He gave me a grin, “Someone went a
little nutty with the cleaning this morning.”

I glanced at Lochlan
cleaning the paint off the floor. He looked pissed. I rushed over, “I said no,
it
stays.”

He laughed bitterly,
ignoring me, “Princess, remind me never to piss you off again. Seriously, this
is some crazy, repressed anger. If you got it out more like I do, with daily
flip outs, you wouldn’t go so crazy.”

I gave him a look and
turned back to the kitchen, “Fine, clean it up, ass. Your daily flip outs
aren’t any better, trust me.” I sat at the barstool and picked a piece of bacon
off the plate, where it was sitting on paper towel.

He chuckled behind me,
“At least when you do lose it, it’s a respectable effort.”

I snorted and chewed
my bacon.

Danny gave me a look,
“Dad called.”

I frowned, “Okay.”

“He wants us both home
for Thanksgiving or they’re coming here, together.”

I shuddered, “Yikes.”
Our parents together were a nightmare of epic proportions. I sighed and drummed
my greasy fingers on the counter, “So home for Thanksgiving and Christmas?” I
wasn’t sure I could do it. I hated flying, and I didn’t like it when they did
the holidays as a family. It was awful. Two flights in two months would
definitely be overdoing it for me.

He cocked an eyebrow,
“You bringing him to meet the folks?” He grinned like he knew it would be a
disaster.

I glanced back at
Lochlan picking the duct tape off the couch, and smiled when he cussed and
picked at tape bits. His eyes darted to mine. I shook my head, “I don’t think
so.” Lochlan pointed at me, “Me and you aren’t done with the conversation that
needs to happen about all this shit.”

I sneered and looked
back at Danny, “He’s crazy. Bringing him home is going to be a disaster. No.”

Danny shrugged, “Too
bad, I already asked him.”

I closed my eyes, as
if holding them shut would hold back my annoyance, “You did what?”

He laughed, speaking
loudly and winking at Lochlan, “Yup. He’s already booked the flights. He’s
going to New York for the Tuesday and Wednesday before, and then meeting us in
Grand Forks on Wednesday night. He booked our flights too.”

I swallowed hard,
glancing back at Lochlan, “You sure you want to come for Thanksgiving? You have
so much going on that week.”

He frowned, “You don’t
want me to?”

I shrugged, “It’s kind
of a big deal, meeting someone’s family. Thanksgiving is a gong show at our
house. I just think that me and you need to go slower than that.” Like never
leave the apartment.

He looked hurt, “How
is it you can say shit like that and I’m the asshole in this relationship?”

I didn’t even like
hearing him say relationship. It felt too big, too soon. I sighed and looked
back at Danny with the death stare. He pointed at me, “Keep your shirt on, Er.
He has a point. He’s sweet to you and you’re always an asshole to him.”

“Thank you, Danny,” he
shouted from the paint stain.

I got up from the bar
and walked back to my bedroom. We had gone from separate sides to snuggling and
sex, and now he was coming for Thanksgiving. I wanted that, this. I wanted it
right?

The door opened and he
leaned against the frame of the door, “If you don’t want me to come, I won’t.”

I thought for a
second, “I don’t want you to come. I want to see where we’re at, before we add
other people.”