My Side (19 page)

Nothing was going to
get in the way of my desperate fears. One side was a broken heart, and the
other was a barren wasteland where I lived, trapped because I never stayed with
him. I never let him love me or gave him a chance.

We had barely landed
and I was on my feet. I wanted to pull the emergency hatch and run down the
tarmac.

We finally deplaned,
which resulted in me running as fast as I could, through the airport. Gerry was
wheezing behind me when we got to the taxi stand. He paced, with his hands on
his hips, and finally after a second, he pointed, “Loch’s right there. Whew…
Erin, I’m naturally thin. I don’t really do the whole running thing.”

I ignored his sweaty
sniveling. My eyes followed his pointed finger.

Lochlan was surrounded
by a group of girls. He didn’t see me. He hadn’t made it into the airport to get
me. He was swamped.

He passed the paper
back to the girl jumping up and down and lifted his eyes. He stopped doing what
he was doing and pushed his way through them. They followed but he ignored
them. He walked as fast as he could to me, scooping me up in his arms. “Sorry,
I got held up.”

I shook my
head,
“I don’t want to do this here.”

He grinned at me,
“Stop making everything so hard.” He kissed my cheek and put me down. He
grabbed my hand and patted Gerry on the shoulder, “Hey man. Thanks for getting
her to come here.” My stomach sunk. I’d been played. Fuck, my brother I
expected—but Gerry? I gave him an evil look, but
he was
swamped by screaming girls
. He waded through them, finally making it to
where we were. We ran to my dad’s truck. Lochlan jumped in, locking the doors
as we got in.

He grinned at me, “You
okay?”

I frowned, “I don’t
know.”

He laughed and patted
my leg, “You’ll get used to this.” He drove off like a bat out of hell. I was
squished between him and Gerry. Gerry gave me a grin. I shook my head, “I can’t
believe, I just got played.”

Lochlan laughed, “You
were acting so crazy, so angry and weird. We figured this was better than you
driving me insane, and me murdering someone for the sake of doing it. I figured
you’d be better at home, more normal for us both.”

I sighed, “I have
classes and I start work tomorrow.”

He shook his head,
“No, you don’t. I phoned Brian and told him that if a single bar in Boston,
even thought about hiring you, we would break the contract.”

My right eye twitched,
“Are you insane? Did you seriously just make a decision for me, without asking
me?” I shook my head, “You know I keep feeling bad for how crazy I’ve been, but
it’s not me. It’s you. You’re making me crazy. You think you were the only
normal one before we met?”

He wrapped an arm
around my shoulders. I froze until we got back to my parents’. I didn’t want
Gerry to be any more uncomfortable.

I looked at Loch as he
turned onto the road to home. He knew the way to my dad’s house?

Danny was out in the
yard raking
leaves, that
at least warmed my heart. He
waved at me, but I hopped out of the truck and went straight to the back of the
house. Our dad kept the house from when we were kids. He worked as a lawyer in
the city, but the commute never bothered him. He loved the feel of the
country, that
the expensive golf course we lived on
provided. We each had full-acre yards and fancy houses. Mom loved the
cleanliness of the city. She liked tidy lines and pavement. When they divorced,
she moved downtown into a condo. It was nice and clean. She ran a very
successful real estate firm. Dad did all the legal work for it… still.

I went right for the
swing set and sat on the big swing. Lochlan followed me. He went behind me and
gave me a big push. He spoke just loud enough, that the others couldn’t hear
from the front yard, “Everyone knows you’re my girl. I can’t have you out in
the public, especially in a bar like that. I have to keep you safe from all
that. I don’t want you in the act with me. I want you to be the home I have in
the real world.”

My eyes started to
water, “Loch, this started so normally and it’s snowballed too fast. You’re not
the guy I thought you were. I didn’t know you were about to skyrocket to fame,
when I met you.”

“I was already there
when you met me. I’m still the guy you love, Erin.” He rarely said my name. He
grabbed the swing, stopping me and walked around the front. He knelt in the
leaves, “That’s right, I know you love me. You don’t say it, but I know it. I
was singing and I watched you fall in love with me. The difference between you
and the
fans,
is that you know the person I am. You’ve
seen it all.”

I gulped.

He shook his
head,
“Don’t be scared, I won’t ever be Lochlan Barlow with
you. I’ll just always be your Loch.”

I couldn’t see him
clearly through the tears; I grabbed either side of his scruffy face. He kissed
my palm, “I need you.
I need you with me to be the success
,
I want to be
. You are the music for me.”

My lip trembled, “I’m
sorry I said that about the show and you getting kicked off.”

His face came closer.
He kissed my cheek, “Stop pushing me away. I’m not going anywhere. And stop
running away.”

I sniffled and nodded.
He wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled me into his arms. He lifted me
and carried me to the back of the house. He pinned me against the siding, “I
love you.”

I nodded, leaning in
for the kiss. His lips didn’t brush softly, like I expected them to. They laid
claim. He kissed me like he was starving for it.

Dad called from the
window above us, as I was sliding my hands down the back if Loch’s shirt,
probably choking him but I didn’t care. I wanted to touch his skin.

“Erin, get in this
house.”

I looked up smiling,
“Hey, Daddy.” He slammed he window shut.

Cougar hunting

Mom scooped the fruit
salad into bowls with the ice cream, “James, why do you insist on keeping these
ugly bowls? Look at them. This one has chip in it.” She shook her head and
passed out the dessert.

He gave her a grin,
“One of the benefits of being divorced, Jane, is I don’t have to give a shit
about those silly things. Hell, I might not even do the dishes tonight.”

She gave him a look
and sat with her dessert.

He beamed. I frowned
and Danny ignored it the best he could.

Mom gave Gerry a sly
smile. “So Gerry, you’re the drummer?” I almost threw up.

He smiled sweetly, “I
am, Mrs. Benson.”

She twirled her long,
brown hair, “Jane, please. That must be quite the workout then hmmm?”

Danny winked at him,
“He has strong hands.” Gerry blushed and tried to swallow his bite. Lochlan
fought his laugh, pretending to be chewing, when I knew he was long done. No
one chewed fruit and ice cream that long.

I needed it to end. I
leaned forward to my mom, “Gerry’s dating my professor.”

She giggled like a
fucking schoolgirl, “Oh, you like older women, Gerry?”

I gagged. Danny
coughed on his fruit. Loch smacked him on the back, fully laughing, “Erin’s
prof is a man, Mrs. Benson.”

Her face flushed, “Oh,
wow. Good for you.”

I cringed and gave
Gerry a look. He laughed, “Thanks, he’s quite the score I will admit.”

My dad gave me a
quizzical look. I shook my head, “So, I guess we won’t be coming for
Thanksgiving, since we’re here this week.”

Danny looked like he
might cry, “Mom and Dad are coming to Boston.” I could kill him. He started
this. He had to bring Lochlan here to lure me from my hiding place. Fucking
fuck. I took a deep breath, downed my entire glass of wine and looked at my
father with desperation.

Dad lifted his
eyebrows, “You know I love that city. And we really want to see Thin Ice live
in a small and intimate setting, before they only play places like Madison
Square Gardens and The Fargodome.”

Gerry gave me a look,
“Oh my God, I love Fargo. I knew your accent sounded familiar.”

I sighed, “I don’t
have an accent.”

He laughed, “Oh man,
Fargo is in North Dakota?” He smacked his head, “Wait, what was that line they
always said?” His eyes opened wide, “The heck do ya mean?” He looked like he
might pounce on Danny, “Say it.”

Danny snorted and did
it perfectly, “The heckdoya mean?” He grinned and spooned the last of the ice
cream into his mouth.

I covered my eyes. Dad
instantly did it, “The heckdoya mean?”

I nodded and glanced
at Lochlan. He smiled wide, “So many things explained in one meal.” I swatted
him. He caught my hand and kissed it.

My mom turned it on thick,
seeing Dad and Danny getting attention, “Oh jeeze.”

Gerry clapped and
butt-hopped in his seat.

But they continued,
“Ohhhhkayyyy.”

I was dying. My face
was burning my hands.

“Errrrin, don’t be
shyyyy.
Doooo it for your friends.
Ohhhh jeeeeeze,
don’t be embarrassed.”

“Yahhhhhh.”

I got up from the
table and walked to the kitchen with my bowl.

“Ohhhhh sure, leave
the table.”

I dumped it in the
sink and leaned against the counter.

His warmth surrounded
me, “It’s funny.”

I looked around to
face Loch, “Not in Boston. Not when the press show up and want to interview
them.”

He nodded, “I’m
getting the impression that you fussing about my meeting them at Thanksgiving,
had nothing to with me.”

I swallowed and
whispered, “I feel bad, they’re my family but it’s a train wreck. She’s hitting
on younger men all the time, and he’s trying to be the younger men.”

He took my hands in
his, “Princess, they live on a golf course, they have fancy stuff, and look
very respectable. If I saw them on the street, I would assume they had a lot of
money. This house is very expensive and impressive. Trust me, when you come
meet my parents, you’ll see some shit that you’re not prepared for too. Yours
are doing the whole mid-life thing…” his face darkened, ”Mine are not.”

My stomach burned. He
wanted me to meet them. It was too soon. I couldn’t even imagine what they
would be like. He was so full of charisma.
A whole house full
of people who were amazing.
I imagined them all playing instruments and
having sing-alongs. I had to shut it down before I made it into something too
big. I shut my brain down and nodded. I could do that. I could meet his family.
I could do it all. It felt right to do it. I looked up and smiled, “Let’s tell
my parents no to Christmas and go see your family.”

He gave me a stunned
look, “Really?”

I nodded.

His face lit up. He
cupped my face and kissed me until I was dizzy.

We all sat in the
living room with Irish coffees when my mom left. Loch got his guitar and sang
for us. It was like a private show. Gerry’s foot never stopped keeping the
beat, and eventually he grabbed a couple wooden spoons and drummed, using the
mantle and a glass of water. It was awesome.

Dad seemed to really
like them. He was in awe. I think his mid-life crisis made him want to be
friends with them. Lochlan’s voice was amazing and soft in such a small space.
The gravelly sound was more present. I loved him. He finished the song, and I
tried to see past the stars in my eyes. I was exhausted.

“I’m going to bed, you
coming?” I ask, putting my cup in the kitchen.

He glanced at my
father and shook his head, “No. I’ll sleep in a guest room.”

My dad’s eyes opened
wide, “Son, don’t be crazy. We’re liberals. I know you’re committed to my
daughter and you already live together.”

Lochlan chuckled and
suddenly his Tennessee got so thick he sounded like an episode of Duck Dynasty.
“Sir, I don’t live with her like that, she won’t agree to it. I won’t
disrespect your house that way.” He looked at me, “Or your daughter.”

I rolled my eyes,
“Whatever. Night.”

I climbed the stairs
to my room. It was supposed to be the attic of the house, but when Daddy had it
built, he made them convert it into a huge loft. It was all mine. Danny got the
basement and I got the attic. I looked around the room, smiling. My
marching-band pictures were still on the mirror. I dragged a finger across the
dust.

In the last five
years, it slowly got dustier and less sparkly. Mom was clean and tidy, and
slightly crazy with her OCD. Dad was busy. Busy meant frozen pizza, cleaning
lady once a week, and TV as a companion. Grade twelve had been a hard year with
them divorcing, but it had made things better. I couldn’t deny it.

Mom relaxed,
controlling the space she had and Dad enjoyed sitting with his one hand tucked
in his belt and a beer in the other. She wasn’t nagging him and it pleased them
both.