My Side (12 page)

“That was a mistake.
I’m sorry.” His words burned, but at least they had the decency to kill the
savage lust tearing through me.

I nodded, “I agree.” I
opened the door again, letting the screaming fans in, “See you at the house.”

He didn’t hear me. He
didn’t stand a chance.

Awkward as ass

Danny
poked me again with his fork
,
“Stop
scowling.
You look moody as shit.”

I gave him the death
stare. He knew it meant fuck off.

Gerry handed me a
Danish. I tore a bite out and drank some coffee.

“Just tell him you
like him too.”

I looked at Gerry with
a confused look, “What?”

He looked over at Mike
and Lochlan signing the breasts of the girls on the street outside the café.

“Who Mike?” I asked
cheekily.

He kicked me, “You’re
being difficult.”

I gave him a look
similar to the one Danny had gotten, before he walked off to see the breasts.
“He is signing the tits of a chick on the side of the road in Salem. That isn’t
boyfriend material.”

Gerry snickered, “It’s
all part of the show. You and I both know
,
that’s not
him.”

I nodded, “If you like
him so much, you ask him out.”

He gave me a
heartbroken look, “Honey, I would but he doesn’t swing that way.”

It dawned on me then,
that Gerry wanted to live vicariously through me. He liked Lochlan. I looked at
Lochlan and nodded. What wasn’t there to like?

Gerry nudged me, his
face had turned serious, “You know he’s the big ticket item, musicians like us
need. The spark in him is huge; he could light the whole world on fire with
it.”

I smiled, “I know.”

He leaned forward,
“You could consider dating him and keeping him calm. I have noticed you keep
him calm and relaxed. People like him are prone to emotional outbursts and
addictions. They’re larger than life and their personalities are bigger than
their bodies.”

I frowned, “You want
me to consider dating him to help Thin Ice out?”

He shrugged, “We both
know you like him, and if he loses it like he did before, he could ruin his
whole career. Divas don’t get to have tantrums in the beginning. They have to
earn their right to be a crazy artist.”

I didn’t say anything
else. If I dated him, it wouldn’t be for that reason.

Gerry got up and left my
side, and Mike took the chance to come over and sit beside me, “So, are you and
Lochlan dating?”

I laughed, “Not a
chance, roommates.”

“You seeing anyone?”

I shook my head, “No.
I’m busy with school.”

“Wanna go on a date?”

I shook my head,
“Thank you, but no.”

He grinned, “You have
to eat, right?”

“Yeah?” It was
starting to get awkward.

He shrugged, “We could
just go have a meal?”

I looked at his lips
as he spoke and nodded, “I guess.” It was a petty whorish thing to do, stare at
the thing I couldn’t have, and say sure to someone I didn’t really want. I
instantly shook my head, “Actually, no.”

He looked confused,
“Which is it?”

“I would go for a meal
with you, but only as friends. I don’t want to be the girl who broke up Thin
Ice because I dated the bass player and lived with the lead singer. Then
me and the bass player
broke up and the lead singer took my
side. Or worse, took your side and I ended up homeless. You know what I’m
saying?”

He nodded, looking a
bit down, “Yeah, I guess. I can ask him, if you want and see if he thinks it’s
awkward for us to eat a meal together. We can go as friends.”

I agreed, “Okay. If he
doesn’t think it’s awkward, I’d love to go for dinner, even as a group.” I knew
Lochlan would say no. It would be easier to let Mike down with Lochlan telling
him no way, than me doing it.

His face lit up. He
stood and walked over to Lochlan as the group of girls left. The two of them
talked. I tried not to watch as Lochlan’s cheeks flushed and his eyes flicked
to me. Mike put his hands in the air defensively. Gerry gave me an evil look. I
gave it right back to him. Danny started laughing. Whatever was happening in
the powwow of doom, I assumed was bad.

Lochlan stalked over,
“Not funny.”

I scowled, “It was
nice of him to ask me out for dinner. I told him it would be awkward, since I’m
your roommate. It could end badly.”

I could see he was
fighting his anger. “What about last night.”

I took a bite of my
Danish, “You said it was a mistake. I agreed. Did something else happen, I
wasn’t aware of?”

He sat in the seat,
“Why are you playing these games with me?”

“Me? Games with you?”

He nodded, taking my
Danish and having a bite. I snatched it back and got up. I walked away from the
group of them, and headed to a magic store in an old building down the road. I
had spotted it when we had been doing our tour. The door tinkled from the bell
attached to it, as I entered. An old lady in a cool old-fashioned dress with
long, gray hair smiled at me. I was about to say hello when Lochlan entered
after me.

I sneered at him and
looked back at her.

She pointed at my
pastry,
“You can’t have food in here.”

I opened my mouth to
ask for a garbage can, but Lochlan grabbed my hand and lifted the pastry to his
face. He ate it from my fingers. I made the weird noise I seemed to make with
him.

He licked my fingers,
which I enjoyed more than I was willing to tell him. I contemplated the mace in
my pocket, but he pulled me down a crowded aisle. The smell of herbs and
candles were everywhere.

He looked down on me,
running his hands down my cheeks, “You can’t date anyone, ever.”

I laughed, “What? Are
you high? What was in that Danish?”

His eyes didn’t have
any humor in
them,
he stroked his thumb across my
bottom lip. He replaced it with his mouth, sucking my lip into his mouth. We
both tasted like pastry. The kiss was slow and intense.

“I want you to date
me,” he whispered into my mouth.

I shook my head, “But
we live together. You were right. Think how intense that would be? Roommates
dating
is
too much.”

He swallowed, “I want
you.”

I bit my lip for fear
I would return what he’d said, or up the ante and say something so much worse,
“You said kissing me was a mistake.”

He shook his head, “I
meant kissing you behind the stage with groupies everywhere, like we’re hiding
in a corner,
was
a mistake. I won’t ever treat you
like you’re just some girl.” He kissed me again, “Go out for dinner with me.”

I laughed, pulling
back, “No. God damned, Loch. You’re good at this.”

His eyes were filled
with something not good, “You said yes to Mike?”

“I said yes to him as
a friend, firstly and secondly, I knew you’d say no to him and get me out of
dinner. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I let you do it. I’m sorry for
that.”

He lowered his face
over me, forming
himself
around me almost, “I got mad,
because there’s something here that I can’t shake. I need to see if it’s what I
think it is.”

I closed my eyes and
forced the images of the other girls, and the signing of the breasts, and the
flocks of women. I swallowed, “You’re not what I want.”

He lifted my face
sharply. I opened my eyes to see a look I’d never seen before, “Bullshit.” He
was vibrating and holding my face. I looked around at the small store, and the
old saying bull in a china shop started to become a possibility.

I panicked as he
gripped harder, like he was stuck that way, or just barely holding himself
together. I lifted my hands up to stroke his, “Hey, calm down.” I looked into
his eyes, “It isn’t you. It’s what you do. You, I want more than anything. I
want you to steal my food, and snuggle me on the couch, or window shop for
dresses like we did last week. Lead singer with girls crawling all over him and
totally famous, I don’t want that. I don’t want people watching me or thinking
bad things about me, because they want you.”

His vibrating hand
stayed on my jaw, still gripping too tight.

I tapped his fingers,
“Loch, you’re scaring me a little bit—talk. Say something,” I whispered
calmly. I trusted him. I didn’t trust the look in his eyes. I had pushed him
too far.

He took a couple deep breaths
and planted his lips on mine again, “You have to give me a chance. You’re
assuming I’m going to be that bad rock star boyfriend and I swear, I won’t.”
The dark look was gone when he stood back up.

I took my first real
breath, still whispering and searching his eyes for the thing I’d seen, “You’re
face gets so dark sometimes.”

He tried to smile but
it was like it was broken, “I’m sorry.”

I gripped his fingers,
“Lochlan, you were like frozen.”

His eyes pinched, “I
know. I’m sorry. I had to go to anger management after the show. They told me
to slow everything down and take breaths.”

I swallowed, changing
the subject, “If I say yes and you break my heart, we can’t live together
anymore. We won’t see each other anymore. We’ll lose the thing we have.”

He nodded, “I know.”

I maintained my stare
into his eyes, “What do you want more, to be near me always, or with me and
gamble it all away? ”

Without any hesitation
or thought on the subject he spoke, “With you, anyway I can have you. You know
me, baby, I’m always going to say yes to the incredible.”

I nodded, “Okay. We
can go out for dinner.”

A slow smile crossed
his
face,
“I’ll make you dinner at the house.”

My smile matched his,
“Danny?”

“I’ll ask Gerry to
take him to do something.” He bent his face close to mine again, “I’m sorry I
got mad when Mike asked you for dinner.”

I shook my head, “No.
I shouldn’t have even entertained the thought of dinner with Mike. It was mean.
I was mad at you for the whole kiss last night.”

He leaned his forehead
against
mine,
“Promise me, you’ll use your words next
time.”

I laughed, “Pot
calling the kettle black. You’re an asshole.”

He nodded his face
against mine, “I know.” He took my hand and pulled me to the door. We walked
down the road, holding hands. He glanced over at me, “Why a magic store?”

I looked back at it,
“I wanted to ask for a spell to get over you.”

He gave me a sly
smile, “You that hooked on me?”

Refusing to answer, I
bit my lip. He wrapped his arm around me, “You know you are.”

I looked up at him,
“Every girl in Boston is.”

His eyes sparkled,
even under the dull, gray sky, “You need to look into my eyes and see the
person I’m looking at. There won’t ever be anyone but you in there. When you
see me at the show or signing autographs, that’s not me. This right now, with
you, is me.” He stopped, pulling me into his embrace, “It’s always been me with
you.”

He was right. When I
looked into his blue eyes, I could see myself.

I pulled him down,
pressing my lips against his.

We left Salem, both
holding onto the intense feelings of the possibilities of what was coming.
Gerry left us at the apartment and he and Danny took the car. Lochlan walked to
the small store near us to get groceries, and I went upstairs to get cleaned up
for dinner.
Technically not for dinner.

I pulled on the only
pretty outfit in my closet and looked at myself. White eyelet skirt and
pale-pink tank top. My hair was a curly mess but he liked it. Weirdo.

He liked me the way I
was naturally, even if I didn’t.

My stomach was in
knots. I fidgeted and walked around my room, pacing and playing out how the
evening was going to go. He would come back and make me dinner. We would have a
glass of wine and laugh.

I had to shake my head
and rearrange a few things.

He was going to make
me hot dogs or Kraft Mac and Cheese and we’d drink beer.

Whatever.

We’d eat and have a
drink. Maybe we’d kiss, and then somehow, end up in his bed. The images of the
other girl in there killed that, “My bed,” I muttered, tapping my fingers
against my lips.

I heard the door to
the apartment, making my head snap towards my door. I didn’t move. I didn’t
know how to be cool about having sex with him. He was experienced in a way I
wasn’t, not to mention, we were roommates. If we didn’t work, we would have to
contend with it. Mostly, it was his sexuality that scared me. I’d had sex but
it was only with the three guys I’d dated, and they were all nineteen or
younger. They weren’t amazing. They all were fairly average and new to sex,
like me. I’d dated guys like me. Nerdy, book guys who hung in coffeehouses.
Guys like Gerry.