Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World (24 page)
Read Life Code: The New Rules for Winning in the Real World Online
Authors: Phil McGraw
Remember what I said earlier about negotiation being an ongoing process, because relationships evolve? Well, marriage is a constant negotiation, and the negotiation window never closes; it’s always open. You may think that once you say you’ll honor and obey, till death do us part, you’re set for life, but you’re not. After the honeymoon, you’re going to change, and your spouse is going to change. After you have children, they’ll make a difference in how you and your spouse relate. So will in-laws. Maybe one of you will have a job, or get a new job, that makes unanticipated demands on both of you.
You may think that once you say you’ll honor and obey, till death do us part, you’re set for life, but you’re not.
Your relationship will always involve an ongoing series of negotiations, because frankly, with just the changing of technology, there are constantly new things that can greatly impact a marriage. When I got married more than three decades ago, there were no such things as laptops, tablets, texting, Facebook, or instant messaging. The fact that so many methods exist by which people “connect” or “hook up” means that something like “cheating,” which used to seem black and white, has to be constantly redefined. Is it cheating to “friend” someone on Facebook? To text or IM them without your spouse knowing? Is it cheating to keep separate email accounts with passwords your spouse doesn’t know?
That’s why I say that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Going forward, you both have to be an open book. You have to be a picture window. So a wife can tell her cheating husband:
You can’t have secret email accounts or Facebook accounts with private passwords. You can’t get upset if I check on you from time to time, and it has to be on the table that I’m negotiating my right to do that. And if that’s too intrusive to you, it’s okay for you to say so. Because I’m just telling you what I need in order to go forward, and if you can give me that, I can give you a second chance. But I need things in return, and that’s why this is a negotiation. So, I want to negotiate that with you, and if it works out, then great.
And if there’s any part of this that’s just too high a price for you to pay, I fully understand that. But you need to understand that I cannot live with a serial cheater. If you made a mistake, we’ll do the reparative things we need to do, but we need to have a better plan going forward, and these are the terms and conditions that I want from you. And if you need some things from me, then I’m all ears.
We all need to work on definitions of things that are important to us, and our negotiations should not be combat; they should be collaboration. But you need to understand that when you start this process, you must have a goal. Particularly in relationships, your goal should be that your partner understands what you feel is important. When you get into an argument, sometimes you think your goal is to win when, in fact, your goal should be to be understood. You should be saying:
You don’t have to agree with me; you just need to understand how I feel, and that will be the basis of our relationship and a measure of where we are at any given point. Because if you know how I feel and what I value and you consistently choose to behave at odds with that, that will say a lot about where we are in our relationship. And the same thing goes the other way as well, if I behave at odds with what you hold dear. But if we trust each other, trust that we love each other, trust that we have a marriage in which we’re committed to a common future and to our family, we’ll find ways to accommodate whatever happens, in whole or in part. Maybe some serious changes in behavior will have to be made, but that will be possible, as long as we understand what’s important to the other person.
So, think about that if you’re wondering whether a marriage, your marriage, could survive infidelity. Once you get over the shock and anger, what do you want to express in a negotiation to move forward? Not just to express your anger, not just to punish your spouse. If your marriage is to survive, you have to start your negotiation with the goal of being understood and giving understanding.
Of course, understanding can get sticky long before the point of infidelity. I can’t tell you the number of women over the years that have told me that they don’t care if they ever have sex again. Imagine you’re a husband who, seven or eight years into marriage, hears your wife say, “You know what; I’m kind of done with that.” Now you’re in a position of forced celibacy. What do you do? She’s saying, honestly, “I really don’t want to,” and he’s saying, “I didn’t sign up for a life of celibacy.” What are you going to do?
When you get into an argument, sometimes you think your goal is to win, when in fact your goal should be to be understood.
Well, this is obviously a very important negotiation. The only way it can proceed is by moving in steps. A husband has to begin by saying:
All right, my first goal is for you to just
want to want
to have sex. You don’t have to actually
want
to have sex, but I would like for you to work with me so that you at least
wished
you did, if for no other reason than for me.
And the wife has to be willing to say, “Well, I don’t really
want
to have sex, but I
wish
I did.”
Okay, that’s a starting point. If the wife can say, “I can understand why that’s important to you, and I want to have a sex drive,” she doesn’t have to lie; she isn’t going to pretend she does when she doesn’t. That’s something you can both work with. As long as she says she
wants to want
to, she’s open to figuring out what to do. Is the problem hormonal? Is it psychological? Is it physical? Is it him? Maybe it’s something about the way her husband behaves? Do they need to seek counseling?
Then both partners can agree on something: “Let’s see if we can make a list of obstacles, and we can work on those things together.” Despite best efforts, if you can’t ever get there, then that might be a deal-breaker. But there are a lot of things you can do before you get to that point. You don’t have to jump all the way from A to Z, from zero to 60, from not wanting sex at all to wanting it all the time. Negotiations can take place over time, in successive approximations. That’s why I said marriage is a constant negotiation, and the negotiation window is always open.
Negotiations can take place over time, in successive approximations.
And there are lot more problems in marriages besides infidelity and sex. For instance, you might say to your husband, “I want to make sure you have a job where you’re home every night.” But is that what you really want? As I said in Strategic Step 2, it is critically important to figure out what you really want so you don’t spend time working for what you
don’t want.
Do you
really
want your husband to give up that $200,000-a-year dream job that he’s worked his whole career to get? Think about it. Are you afraid he’s “married” to his job? Maybe what you really want is for him to strike a different balance. Maybe you want him to spend more time with you and with your children. Or maybe you just want some more peace of mind. Maybe you want him to treat you better when you are together, so what you really want is better quality, not more quantity.
Don’t make your negotiation about quitting his job when you’re really negotiating about something else entirely. You need to find ways for him to keep his job and for you to get your peace of mind—that’s what negotiating is about. It’s not about delivering an ultimatum (“You need to quit that job!”). Be sure you’re going after what you want instead of what you don’t want and then going after it with a vengeance. Figure out a way. Be creative. Try this. Do that. Trade this. Take this. Give that. Be flexible.
When you’re negotiating within a marriage, you can at least hope that you’re working toward a common definition of a shared goal. But when you aren’t dealing with someone who has committed to spending their entire life with you based on an undying love, you can’t assume there is a common goal or even a basic respect for your rights. For example, at your workplace, you might have to deal with a co-worker who you know is badmouthing you or talking behind your back or gossiping about you.
Once again, you have to decide what you want. Do you want her to stop? To let her know that
you
know? To end your relationship with her entirely? You have to figure out what is it you want before you approach her, because what you don’t want is to just vent or complain. You don’t want to have an argument if arguing is her comfort zone—and if she’s out there spewing venom, trust me, this is her comfort zone. As I’ve said, when you roll with pigs, you’re going to get muddy, and the pigs like it. So, decide what you’re going to do and what you’re after. Here is an example of how such a conversation/negotiation can go: “You need to shut your big mouth, or I’m going to sneak up and shave your head!” Whoa! Just kidding! That is probably what you
want
to say. Here is what
I
would want you to say:
I need to share something with you, and it’s really not even important that you respond, because I’m not going to get into an argument with you here. I know that you have gone behind my back, slandered my good name, and said ugly things about me. I want you to know that I know that.
Wait, listen, please, and just don’t interrupt me. Despite what you say, I know it’s true; I have incontrovertible proof because I did my homework before I decided to have this conversation, and I need to share with you that what you did is
not
okay with me. I am not someone who will avoid taking steps if your behavior continues. So, you’ve got a clear choice here, a chance to stop what you’re doing.
Please do me a favor. Write down the day, the date, and the time. That will be your reminder that I have told you that I know what you’re doing and that I would deal with it if it continued. I would be cheating you if I failed to communicate to you the seriousness with which I regard this inappropriate behavior or the passion with which I will pursue remedy if it continues. In any event, you can say what you want, but when I walk away, you will know that I know and that I intend to hold you accountable if it continues. You do whatever you feel is in your best interest. I hope it doesn’t continue, and best of luck to you in your life.
And don’t say, “Well, I just want us to be friends.” You know that’s not really an option here. This doesn’t mean I’m your enemy. You just need to take my name out of your vocabulary, and then we’ll both move on parallel tracks and not have a problem at all. And I hope that’s what you choose to do. But if you don’t, understand that every choice comes with consequences.
I appreciate your time and thank you.
Notice that you haven’t told them how you know, you haven’t told them what you’re going to do, and you haven’t told them what the consequences will be.
This is an example of both setting boundaries—letting people know what you’re not willing to do—and telling them in the most straightforward manner what your issues are. Notice that you haven’t told them how you know, you haven’t told them what you’re going to do, and you haven’t told them what the consequences will be—because you keep your plans close to your vest (#8 of the “Sweet 16” of your new “Life Code”).
I have always said that, as parents, we are only as happy as our saddest child. We hurt when they hurt; we feel joy when they feel joy. Aside from serious injury or debilitating disease, I think the bane of contemporary parents would have to be bullies. It, at least, makes the short list along with drugs, alcohol, and falling in with the “wrong crowd.” If your child is being bullied, it is especially difficult because your options for intervention and negotiating a peace are narrow at best. You can’t deal directly with the bully, or you may then be perceived as the bully yourself, not to mention aggravate the situation and create more problems than you solve. On the other hand, you can’t take a completely hands-off position, in effect saying “Kids will be kids.” The world has changed since we were kids, and bullying has changed with it. Where bullying was once largely confined to the schoolyard or the bus, with the explosion of the Internet and all the social platforms where kids interact, the bullies can ”follow” your child home. “Keyboard bullies” as I call them, can be extremely brutal because of the impersonal nature of the medium. The distance that technology creates makes it easier for bullies to take their abuse to extremes, completely removing feelings of empathy.
When a child is being bullied, it can be, and typically is, one of the loneliest times in his or her life. This is not the time to be a passive parent. In fact, you need to be especially dialed into your child’s life in this day and time. Children often feel shame when they are being bullied. They are embarrassed that “no one likes them,” they feel weak if they are being “picked on,” and they may hide the realities of their lives from you, for fear that you will either judge them or “go nuts” and make it worse.
When a child is being bullied it can be, and typically is, one of the loneliest times in their life.
So how do you handle the situation and
who
, if not the bully, do you negotiate with? It begins with finding out the truth from your child (maybe they aren’t really being bullied and are just overreacting, or maybe it is a brutal truth) and to convince them that you are on their side, they are not alone, and you will help them learn how to deal with the attacks. Next you might talk to the parents of the bully, and this can be delicate because, let’s face it, none of us is objective about our own little “angels.” Those parents might be highly defensive or in denial. Lastly, you need to engage the schoolteachers and administrators.
Rather than giving you a script, I want to outline your approach for handling this last group. Remember I said that most of our communication is transmitted through channels other than verbal ones. I bring that up here because this is a negotiation where the
tone
of your approach is critical. I know you believe your child is in pain and being hurt,
but
do not run up the schoolhouse steps like your hair is on fire, hysterically yelling and accusing school personnel of being complicit, negligent, or incompetent. Instead, you want to form a partnership with these people who do care and, quite importantly, are on the scene every day, all day, when you are not. You
want
them to be informed; you
want
them to want to help you. Bullies are devious and know how to hide their assaults from teachers’ prying eyes. They very likely do not know it is happening and will appreciate properly framed information.
