Instant Orgasm: Excitement at First Touch (32 page)

Q

My issues surrounding sexual encounters center on one thing: I have herpes and feel like I have a scarlet “H” blazoned across my chest. When I am in a relationship I feel I am held back sexually

because of my diagnosis. I believe I need to be honest about it, but I also worry that it makes the man not want me. I feel tarnished and ashamed and like I can’t have a full sex life. I don’t know exactly how to talk to a man about this is- sue. I have not had a breakout in at least five years, but it feels like a weight that holds me down. My biggest fear is that no one will want me. It has taken so much for me to ask this question, and I so appreciate your help.

— Scarlet H

A

Dear Scarlet,

Thank you so much for asking such a gutsy question. Many people have herpes; some people have it without even knowing they do.

When you meet the right guy, telling him you have herpes won’t prevent him from loving you. Although herpes is not a minor issue, you are the one who is making it into a big one. You are the one who is using it to prevent you from enjoying further intimacy. Yes, you will have to discuss it with anyone whom

you become interested in, though your diagnosis does not have to be given out with your name and phone number to each guy you meet. You can wait until you know the person better and are sure of how intimate you would like to become with him.

I am sure there are herpes support groups in most cities and definitely on the Internet. You may even meet some guy who is in the same boat as you. There are many more difficult issues that people face about intimacy and rela- tionships. You do not have to be ashamed of having herpes, as it is so common. You have not had any outbreaks in a while, and from what I’ve read it is fairly safe to engage in sexual activity when the patient isn’t having an outbreak. And, of course, you can have your partner wear a condom for further protec- tion. As you know, we teach manual stimulation, which is the best way to pro- duce pleasure in both men and women. When a person washes with soap and water after a sensual session in which only manual stimulation occurs, there will be no spreading of the herpes virus (providing there are no open cuts on the pleasure giver’s hands). Another safeguard is for the pleasure giver to wear latex gloves, in which case it is necessary to use a water-soluble lubricant. We have never seen a herpes blister on the clitoris itself. It is made of a very strong tissue and rarely gets any diseases, and its only function is pleasure. So put your attention on your clitoris and your pleasure instead of on a virus.

•

Q

My husband and I are just beginning to venture into sexual rela- tions after an extended break. I made the decision to suspend sex to make sure we are both radiantly happy no matter what. He is

not aggressive in lovemaking, although when we met he was more so. I de- cided to explore the realm of submissive/dominant and began to take the dominant role, and to my curiosity and delight he responded well in so many ways: emotionally, sexually, lovingly. It took nerve for me to do that, but it is my main interest to make sure that we and our energies harmonize.

My question is this: As the dominant, I am on top, which keeps me from being as relaxed as I would be if I were underneath, receiving. When he is

eating my pussy, I am straddling him. What might you suggest in terms of my being able to relax my body and my pussy?

— Not Quite Dominatrix

A

Dear Not Quite,

Thank you for exposing so much of yourself in your question. The more a person is willing to reveal about themselves under the right

circumstances, especially when it is scary to do so, the more they are likely to reap special benefits that they did not even see coming.

Role playing can be fun, and one can play many roles. You and your hus- band can try different roles and positions. You are not stuck with one role for life and neither is he. It is more difficult to relax when straddling than when ly- ing down, so find some pillows that could add support and make it easier for you to relax while straddling. You can also use your imagination. If you are playing the dominant role, dominate your husband so that he sucks you off or stimulates you with his hands while you are in a more relaxed position, like on your back. In other words, if you are giving him orders, then order him to behave the way you want him to. Who’s in charge here? Communicate your desires to your husband, and it sounds as though he will come through like a champ. Your true desires will be fulfilled. Show him our DVD of Vera lying on her back being stimulated manually for an hour.

•

Q

1. I’m pretty certain that I am experiencing EMOs (I haven’t yet read your books, so I am going on other women’s descriptions). What I find is that my orgasms can go on and on, but I don’t neces-
   

   sarily ever feel “done.” I usually stop at a random point, or when my partner is done. My question is, how do you get a feeling of being complete, if there is such a thing? I hope you understand what I mean. Because it seems as though you can continue “riding the waves” forever.
   

2. Sometimes I get the feeling that my husband thinks my orgasmic-ness and desire are overwhelming. I get orgasmic almost immediately and I could go on and on. But I feel like I am a burden to him. He only likes to come once.
   

   That’s usually when I “finish” also, because I love the after-cuddling, but then I would like to continue. Sometimes we do. I don’t quite understand this dy- namic and it’s uncomfortable. I feel so happy with my evolving sexuality and sensuality and I don’t want to feel like I’m being “too much” or a burden to my man.
   

3. I’d love some ideas on introducing more sensuality to my husband. He doesn’t particularly enjoy it or have any interest in learning about it. He likes to do anything involving my pussy or breasts or intercourse, but he doesn’t en- joy his own skin being caressed, and he isn’t really into kissing much, either. I feel stumped by all this. I love going slowly and building and teasing and kiss- ing, and I really miss that.
   
4. Steve, when you signed my book you wrote, “Take no prisoners.” What does that mean? I’ve been smiling about it since.
   

   — Feeling Kinda Exposed
   

   

1. A
   

   Dear Exposed,
   

   1. When we describe EMOs we are specifically talking about manual to clitoral stimulation. You can experience EMOs in other
      

      ways, too; they’re just less intense. You write that you are done when your hus- band is done, which sounds to us like you are describing intercourse. When I stimulate Vera’s clitoris, we can do it for five minutes or fifteen minutes or an hour or whatever we feel like. There is no specific end point, no proclamation saying “The End.” She is off to the races on the first stroke, and the intensity is very strong compared to a tensed-up crotch sneeze, which usually lasts for ten seconds. Hers keeps going and going, with peaks, of course. As long as she re- mains relaxed, her whole body is in orgasm.
      

      Often after bringing her up for however long I desire, I will use intention combined with a change in the pressure of my touch to indicate when we are “finished.” This brings her level of excitement down a few notches, as we de- scribe in our books. We also use intercourse as a way of coming down. This coming down is very pleasurable and is part of the orgasm; she is still con- tracting and feeling intense sensation as the orgasm slowly recedes. It is a way to complete the sexual cycle; however, sometimes we forgo the down ride and let her stay at a high level of tumescence. This can feel uncomfortable to some
      

      women at first, but after a number of times most learn to enjoy the feeling. We do not suggest trying to function or drive a car in this state.
      

      It would be best to have your husband learn to control your level of tumes- cence—that is, learn how to bring you up and how to take you down. You are not insatiable; you just require lots of attention. Once he learns his craft he will be able to take you higher for longer, and you will be gratified.
      

   2. Again, it seems you are describing intercourse. Have your husband learn to pleasure you manually, which he can do for however long you like. He will not feel overwhelmed. His finger will not lose its erection. Then when you want to, you can pleasure him at the end with intercourse or however you choose, and then cuddle. I like to give Vera a long orgasm and sometimes we only do that; at other times she wants to give me orgasmic pleasure, too, with hands, legs, mouth, or pussy. Once I have ejaculated, I do not want to start stimulating her again. She can stimulate me to where I am close to ejaculat- ing but do not go over, and then I can keep going and stimulate her some more if she so desires. When your husband can learn to pleasure you without “Mr. Happy” having to stay erect for the entire happy hour, he will not feel bur- dened. He will feel like a hero.
      
   3. Above all, guys like to succeed. They love to win. You have to train your husband, and the best way to train is with lots of rewards, lots of wins. Then he will do whatever you want. Do not ask for the sky and the moon all at once. Ask for little things and appreciate those, and slowly and sensually you will build him into the exact man you are manifesting. When he does kiss you, tell him how good that makes you feel without creating any pressure for him to have to do more. You say you like to go slowly, so here is your chance. En- joy his resistances; your pussy power is way too strong, when properly used, for him to succeed at resisting for long. Learn to communicate with him on a more intimate level, which you do by telling the truth in a kind way, not with anger. Put your attention on pleasure, not on your doubts, and definitely not on your “righteous” anger. Manipulation, when used for everyone’s fun, is not a bad thing.
      
   4. “Takenoprisoners” is ametaphorformakingsureyoufulfillyourerotic desires by killing all your enemies like anger and doubt. It’s like saying “Go for