How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (12 page)

How to tango your way in and out of trouble

‘Heaven – I’m in heaven – and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak; and I seem to find the happiness I seek when we’re out together dancing, cheek to cheek’
Fred Astaire
, in
Top Hat
, ‘Cheek to Cheek’, music and lyrics by Irving Berlin

They weren’t tangoing – but the lyrics still apply. Tango is a fusion of South American roots and flaming Spanish passion. Originating in Buenos Aires, the music comes first, then the rhythm then the moves. It is an intimate dance, not for the faint-hearted, but classier than the hip-gyrating salsa moves.

Being the most sensual of all partner dances it is only fitting that this is the glamorous tool you should use to dance your way out of a situation. Not enough people do this nowadays.

A brief history

In the early 1900s around 2 million immigrants arrived in Buenos Aires to make their fortunes in Argentina or Uruguay; many were single men, hoping to earn enough to return to Europe. They had nothing, and were penniless; it was all fairly desolate and bleak – but in the brothels and gangster-run streets they restored their male pride and danced their troubles away.

The dance is a blend of influences from Europe as well as South America. It takes traditional polkas, waltzes and mazurkas and mixes them with the Cuban milonga dance.

Rumour has it that in the first brothels men were picked by the women for their dancing skills and they only had three dances to prove themselves . . .

When dancing

Partners should be too close to see each other, and your feet should mingle into one. You should be so close that you can feel the beat of your partner’s heart. Try not to fret if this is the first time you have met him, this is the pulse for the rhythm of your dance. The woman needs to be submissive, ‘the follower’, and is led by the male who is called ‘the leader’. He basically twists and turns the follower as he desires, but shows her off to great advantage.

Don’t look at each other, and definitely no talking; you need to concentrate. Feel, trust and anticipate each other as you glide your way across the floor. This is why you have to find a strong and capable male leader to dance with, as it’s his fault if things go wrong.

Wear leather or more ideally suede-soled shoes; one distinct plus with this dance is that women HAVE to wear heels. These are a special purchase, so check your dedication levels before you buy. Okay, they are not Manolos (those would snap with these moves), but they are heels, albeit small square ones.

You must never lift your feet. You have to slide them across the floor as if they are attached with elastic to your partner’s, and you are drawing shapes on the floor, as if skating. Keep knees soft and slightly bent, unless you reach the ‘cross’ position, which is left leg crossed behind right at the end of a move. Try not to bob up and down, keep shoulders level.

When your partner grabs you it doesn’t matter if he is pretty, rich, poor, fat or thin, all that matters is that you dance. The better the dancer, invariably the better-looking he becomes.

So enough with the romance, you need to master the practicalities.

Step and pause and seductively mirror your partner’s moves, and spin across the dance floor.

Drop your partner a deep curtsy. Admittedly this might throw him, if you are in a bar or the queue at ASDA, but, if you assume life is like the movies, he will be making a slow, stiff yet refined bow to you and will ask ‘Shall we dance?’

Ballroom Tango is very different to Argentinian Tango. One is sherry, the other is red wine swigged from a bottle. It all depends on your preference. But learn one and it can easily be applied to the other; it all depends on your taste in men.

‘Must you dance every dance with the same fortunate man? You have danced with him since the music began. Won’t you change partners and dance with me?’
Fred Astaire
to Ginger Rogers in
Carefree
, ‘Change Partners’, music and lyrics by Irving Berlin

The basic steps of Ballroom Tango

1
   Slide left foot forward – slow.

2
   Slide the right foot forward – slow.

3
   Glide left foot forward, so it is in front of the right foot – quick.

4
   Move right foot to the side, and slightly forward – quick.

5
   Draw left foot to close, next to the right foot – slow.

1
   Stretch right foot backward – slow.

2
   Glide left foot back to join – slow.

3
   Slip right foot backward, behind the left foot – quick.

4
   Then the left foot to the side, and slightly backward – quick.

5
   Slide right foot close to the left foot – slow.

To these basic steps you now add the rhythm.

Simplified this is: slow, slow, quick, quick, slow, but for this you need more than imagination – you need music.

Clap: slow, slow, quick, quick, slow. Now substitute as follows: tea, tea, cof-fee, tea. (Coffee being the two quick steps and tea the slow. This will give you an idea of the rhythm.)

Let the steps and turns transport you far from the problem. Surely by the end of the dance, when you drop a curtsy, and they take your hand to kiss it, they will have totally forgotten what you were quarrelling over.

It could be worth trying out on traffic wardens.

If, however, you want to try the real, authentic thing, you need to learn the original Argentinian Tango. Be warned. This is how to tango your way INTO trouble.

For lessons and information, the teacher to try is Tango Federico who has classes all over the UK. For further information go to
www.tango-federico.co.uk

Or you could get the popcorn and let Al Pacino teach you in THAT scene from
Scent of a Woman
.

True dance aficionados need look no further than Fred Astaire.

How to serenade someone special

Serenading someone you love is something everyone should do at least once. As Orsino said in
Twelfth Night
: ‘If music be the food of love, – play on.’ Shakespeare, no less.

Making yourself horribly vulnerable and risking humiliation is one of the most dangerous yet potentially rewarding things you can do. Really. As such, it is usually reserved for fools in love.

Note: only serenade someone if you are really in love with them as this is one stage shy of a proposal. (Just hope to goodness that they serenade you or propose first.)

Questions (seriously) to ask yourself:

1
   Will you sing or will you get someone else? You HAVE to be HONEST here: CAN YOU SING? Or are you going to suffer horrible embarrassment?

2
   Where will you do this? Public or private? Think. How fond of public displays of emotion is the recipient? Will they be delighted or demented? Once you have decided the above, you are ready to proceed.

If you are singing, practise, and maybe even do a demo to a close and honest friend.

If you are hiring, say, a cute little string quartet, can you choose that ‘special’ song? What do they specialise in?

String quartet? Spanish guitar? Tinkling piano?

Will you be a capella (unaccompanied) or accompanied? Classical or chart?

Do you know any musicians or anyone who has done this and can recommend someone? If not, search internet and local music stores/schools and ask for demo tapes and prices.

Think what style you want and what your budget is.

Decide whether the object of your affection has friendly neighbours, or a picturesque balcony they can lean off. Indeed would you prefer to go for it in a restaurant?

Don’t send a string quartet to an office; imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. You would be mortified. Flowers are the only acceptable non-work thing to send to an office (and this is to be encouraged on a regular basis).

The final thing you need to be sure of is whether it’s going to have the desired effect. If you think this extravagant show will have them running for the door, or changing their number, think again. Test the water. You have a good excuse to watch
Pretty in Pink
, again, and see if their toes curl when Molly Ringwald is serenaded in the record shop. Use it as a barometer to gauge whether you should or should not go ahead.

How to observe royal protocol and do a royal wave

There’s a lot to be thankful to the royals for.

First and foremost the royal wave.

This is done as so:

1
   Extend arm.

2
   Bend elbow.

3
   Twist wrist, turning the joint in a circular motion – a good way to exercise these muscles. Act as if you are in a glass carriage being whisked to a fairy-tale ball.

The royal wave is also an excellent way to dry nail varnish. Frantic full arm waves should be reserved solely for air traffic control. Finger flapping waves for the under fives.

How to meet the Queen

Should you be invited to a garden party at Buckingham Palace, or the royal family pops by for a cup of tea (well, they are terribly keen on ‘meeting the public’ these days), you should know what to do.

Buckingham Palace do not issue a strict dress code as Her Majesty does not want her guests to stress, or feel obliged to go out and buy a new outfit for the occasion. Which is very kind, but let’s face it, you get an invite to the palace, you go and buy a new outfit. And some gloves. And a hat, but don’t buy one with too large a brim, as you’ll spoil the view for others.

If there is a specific dress code it will appear on the invitation. If you are invited by a member of the royal family to an event you have to go. Treat it as a command. They have stopped chopping heads off, but it would be extraordinarily bad manners to decline the monarchy.

You can wear black when meeting royalty, but ladies seldom do, as royalty tend to wear this only at state funerals and when in official mourning.

For state banquets it is white tie.

For an investiture or garden party it’s normally morning dress, national costume if applicable.

Take a small handbag, and clear out any clutter, such as old sweets and biros minus lids. There will be a security check. Cameras are not allowed, and mobile phones are likely to be a liability.

Be punctual. You must arrive before the members of the royal family. If your car breaks down or there is an act of God which delays you, slip in as discreetly as possible.

Do not charge up to the Queen. Make yourself approachable and wait for her to come to you.

If you are addressed by the Queen your reply should start ‘Your Majesty . . .’ and continue with ‘Ma’am’. For other members of the royal household begin with, ‘Your Royal Highness . . .’ moving on to Sir/Ma’am as appropriate.

You may not sit down to dinner, tuck in or make any dramatic executive decisions until after the member of the royal family has entered, sat down, and got themselves settled. The same applies to leaving – you do nothing till they have made their move.

Try to relax, the royals are the most socially skilled family in the world. They are trained to put mere mortals at ease. Don’t go there looking for love, this only worked for Cinderella.

To curtsy or not to curtsy

Do what you feel is appropriate and what you feel comfortable with. A reverential nod will suffice, or a small dainty curtsy. There’s no need to sweep the floor, they will have done this before you arrive.

If you decide on a curtsy, place ball of one foot behind, just beyond the heel of the other, then bend the knees – keeping the back upright. The further across you put the foot, the deeper the curtsy will be.

‘All the world’s a stage,

And all the men and women merely players:

They have their exits and their entrances;

And one man in his time plays many parts’

Shakespeare, As You Like It

How to Understand Politics

‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedy.’
Groucho Marx

How to sound like a politician

While
Today in Parliament
isn’t required listening, unless you’re really, really keen, as you would expect from a group of professionals who rely on their speeches to convey their message and, ultimately, to secure their jobs, they come up with some pretty snappy sound bites.

‘I stand here before you today not as a prophet but as a humble servant of you, the people.’ (11 February 1990)

‘Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.’ (20 January 1961)

‘To those waiting with bated breath for that favourite media catchphrase, the U-turn, I have only one thing to say: you turn if you want to. The lady’s not for turning!’ (10 October 1980)

‘Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.’ (20 August 1940)

‘Non-violence is the first article of my faith. It is also the last article of my creed.’ (18 March 1922)

‘It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?’

But remember Shirley MacLaine’s words, ‘It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk or running for office.’

The only REAL time to worry about what is happening at Westminster is at general election time, which is when we vote for which ‘party’ (not that kind, more a members’ gang) is going to represent us.

There are several areas in which all parties will have opinions. These are called ‘key’ policies. In politically neutral alphabetical order they are: Crime, Culture, Media and Sport, Defence, Economic Situation, Education, Employment, Environment, Europe, Foreign Policy, Health, Transport and Welfare Reform. And what do they mean to you?