How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (33 page)

Roald Dahl’s
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
offers the best explanation of how a television works. Except his invention goes on to transmit chocolate through television airwaves. This is still a puff of imagination, but Mike Teavee, one of the golden ticket winners, thought it such a great idea he leapt onto the machine and got himself transmitted. This is not possible either.

It is good to keep an eye on the technological developments, so here’s the science bit, as simply as possible.

Going back to basics, television began with analogue, a video camera capturing scenes at, say, 50 frames per second, producing photographs so close together in time that when you run the images they appear to be in motion, like a flick book.

The camera then rasterises the scene, which is to say it runs the pictures into rows of individual dots called pixels, which each carry two little ‘bags’ – one colour and one with intensity. The rows of pixels then combine with a synchronisation signal, called horizontal sync and vertical sync, so the TV can display the final formation of pixels (to some this is called a composite video signal; to us, it’s the picture on the telly). Then all you need is to add sound, and deal with the scart lead situation.

Broadcasting a TV signal

When a composite video signal is broadcast over the airwaves by the TV station it is done by airwaves set on a specific frequency, similar to radio waves travelling on AM/FM or connecting homes with a telephone.

When analogue arrives at the TV set it takes the signal it has been travelling with and combines it with sounds, then mixes it all into one. Satellite and cable follow a similar cocktail shake.

Digital TV, as the name would suggest, uses digital, therefore has a digital camera, and digital transmissions and is able to give higher resolution, which means better picture quality.

Resolution has been the main problem with analogue TV. It can interlace approximately 625 transmitted lines of resolution, but how can it compete with digital that can transmit ten times that?

When analogue started as the broadcast medium, TV and radio station antennas went up at an alarming pace as they all sent out free signals that you only required a television set to enjoy. But things were limited to one frequency per channel. Digital is able to divide within one signal into a compression of sub channels, sent via MPEG-2, so you have more choices and less reason than ever to leave the sofa.

Despite the poor aesthetics, dishes popped up all over the place when satellite television launched, especially in rural non-cable areas where they are a must. While the transmission of analogue signals is interrupted by an increasing number of obstacles, such as tall buildings and extravagant head-wear, satellite avoids this problem by sending signals from space, from dishes that orbit the earth. Also, digital can go under the ground in cables.

Adjust the aerial

Ugh! How old-fashioned. Don’t. Get cable, there is no aerial and a perfect picture.

Adjusting the old school aerials was like tuning a piano, or a guitar – you had to wiggle it about till it caught the signal, just as you would have to ease the pitch sharper and flatter till you caught the right tone. With digital there is no fine-tuning required, you simply plug in and watch. The signal has perfect pitch and is able to key instantly into the best picture and right frequency, so there is no need to worry about good picture or sound fuzziness.

If you are a smug cable benefactor you need not worry. Aerial adjusting is an antiquated tradition that you have long left behind. You don’t need aerials cluttering up your roof as you can pick up the signals broadcast into the TV via your decoder and leads. Don’t let anyone fool you – of course cable can still receive BBC and all your terrestrial favourites.

Broadband is a separate issue, but worth including here as it provides TV signals as well as all the internet wizardry. In a nutshell, when cable TV started, the service providers realised that they also send telephone as well as television and extras digitally down the one line. They used this as their marketing tool to clinch all the remaining wavering customers.

When broadband came along they could provide Sky (TV) and BT (telephone) separately as well as non-stop internet access, and suddenly everyone had to buck up and compete for customers. Prices started to get really competitive and at last it was the consumer rather than the service provider that was benefiting.

BT have also been digitalising themselves and have lines that run underground. There is a lot of traffic going on under the pavement. But if you can have broadband, it is worth it as this will give you all three services in one – as the fibre optics they use are all compressed to flow through the same cable.

Fine-tuning the decoder

With Sky, cable and digital, all the programmes and packages are concentrated together into one super-complex feed. This data is all fed to the decoder, which is like Grand Central Station. It is here that you decide, by selecting channels, what information goes through and what waits there. It’s up to you to select the options, with your remote.

What is digital TV?

In the UK, digital TV started in 1998, when BSkyB began to offer its satellite customers the choice of digital reception to replace their ugly analogue satellite dishes and bulky set-top boxes. Soon after, ON digital began digital terrestrial broadcasting, and, in 1999, cable companies began to change their customers over from analogue services to digital services.

Digital benefits are that it (normally) provides a sharper picture, clearer sound and uses much less space to send the same TV programme, offering more choice and room for more channels.

Basically, your TV at home works by receiving and decoding a signal that has been sent either through the air (terrestrial), or through a cable running into your home (cable) or from a satellite in space (satellite). The UK is in the process of phasing out the traditional/analogue transmissions in favour of the modern digital system. It is now possible to send TV pictures as millions of ones and zeros, which are decoded into something you are more familiar with, to your TV or a set-top box on your TV. This is digital TV.

If you receive your TV through your aerial and receive only four or five main channels – BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 (S4C in Wales) and Five – you still have analogue TV. But if you pay for a BSkyB satellite service, or have Freeview you are already digital. If you have cable there’s a 50 per cent chance you have digital.

What is BSkyB?

When, in 1999, British Satellite Broadcasting and Sky merged they became BSkyB. Their link-up made them the invincible satellite station for the country. All cable users have to pay Sky every time they watch one of their channels. This is the Microsoft of the UK satellite industry. They offer a pay-as-you-go service that can reach even the most rural of households.

Cable is supplied to two companies: Telewest and ntl. But they do not compete, and you can only get the one that has the network operating in your area.

And what is freeview?

This really came about due to the demise of ITV digital. Launched in 2002, it is the second most popular service provider in the UK, with over 3.5 million households using it, which considering how long it’s been about, competes well with Sky’s 7 million. You pay a one-off payment and it gives you access to view all the new BBC digital channels. Unlike cable/Sky you pay once and then the access is there for as long as you like, as with terrestrial. But before you think this is too marvellous, remember it has less than half the channels you can get on cable TV. Some really flash high-quality TVs come with the adapter already built in, so you do not need to worry about extras, nor worry about additional channels, which gives the new viewer all the extras thrown in with the traditional ‘terrestrial’. Digital is fast becoming the new norm.

How to tune a TV and video in sync

Well, the easiest and most sensible solution is to make sure you purchase one that does it automatically. Videos are a dying breed so prices are very competitive. Sling your old model out and replace with a more up-to-the-minute automatic model, which can convert the signal, read what frequency and time to set itself to, and tunes without you doing anything.

If, for some unfathomable reason, you are deeply attached to your old video recorder and still think you might want the option of recording, connect your video through the aerial and tune a specific TV channel to the video signal, making this the designated video channel. Before you reach for the smelling salts this is not as complex as you may fear. Put in a video, press Play and then flick the TV channels until the film you are expecting to see leaps into action on the screen.

Stop the video you’ve had playing.

Press the Options button on the remote while the video is still in place and a ‘menu’ of choices should appear on your screen. You then need to scroll the arrows down until you select Channel Tuning, and then you need to follow the simple instructions, clicking OK, until it is done.

If you want to connect the video to the TV and you have cable your initial thought might well be ‘Damn it, I only have one scart lead’ – this is likely to have been preceded by wailing ‘Ooohhh it’s just so complicated’, but stay calm. Most televisions have two scart ‘holes’ on the back. One, as explained before, goes to the TV. Then you can insert a scart into the second that can connect directly from the decoder to the video. When you decide you want to stop watching cable and record a video it will automatically cut directly to show you what you want. Pretty clever, these scart leads.

If your cable is connected to the video you will always be able to record, as cable can pick up terrestrial as well as the other options and doesn’t need tuning. You just need to ensure you are on the right cable channel. You leave your video setting tuned to AV. This requires no aerials and accesses all channels.

Don’t worry. Once you have bought and installed one you never have to worry about it again, but whilst it’s a new toy let’s clear up what it does, and who it is.

You probably have one and have never been properly introduced. It is the lead that sits at the back of your digital/decoder box and runs into the television, in two directions.

You need a scart lead to get Sky/cable and all your computer games/stations to run from your TV screen, as well as to connect your video or DVD player to the television. It will be like an umbilical cord for some men, but for everyone else you can find it in most electrical shops.

It is made up of red, white and yellow mini plugs within the socket. They look like electronic teats and the socket is the cow’s udder. Together, the red and the white can give you stereo audio, so you can use these two for high-quality sound. For simple mono sound you can ditch the red, which is a bit like wearing only one earpiece of an iPod. The yellow is the video or picture lead. There is NO WAY you can watch TV/DVD etc., etc., etc. without it. So just get one.

How to be friends with your remote control

Sofa to TV set can be a very long way, especially if you have curled yourself up with a cup of tea, the best cushions, and have strategically positioned your cat/rug/boyfriend so that your feet are toasty warm.

Act immediately before you get too comfy. Locate and claim the remote.

Always know where the remote is; if it’s not in your hand, you need to know where it is hidden. Great places include tucked under cushion on favourite viewing seat, and under the base of the sofa, so that only you can find it.

There is absolutely no way that you want to be forced to watch anything that isn’t exactly what you fancy. This is why you need to be not friends, but BEST friends with the TV remote.

In addition to the On/Off button you should have channel numbers, volume and perhaps teletext options. There are also a lot of fancy buttons that it is unlikely you will need, but never say never. Mute is a key button which lets the action continue, soundlessly. Unfortunately this has not been invented in real life, so it’s good to exercise this power as much as possible with big onscreen names.

Also be aware of the friendly AV source button. Huh? This is the button that switches the TV to your video/DVD (that is if you connect via a scart lead).

Teletext

Teletext is embedded within your television signal. It is a bit like text messages for the TV, and works on a fairly similar principle. The teletext is a very simple data and computer graphics that is there to give you information – such as aeroplane arrival times, television times and horoscopes. All channels offer A–Z listings of their contents and if you look there you will find an active guide for cinemas, gigs, sports results, news updates, the latest chart and music reviews, as well as the lottery and road and travel information.

Good teletext pages include:

To open the teletext, click on the teletext button (which is usually a rectangular box, like a screen). It will then switch the TV from image to text. Each channel has its own teletext pages, as well as all channels having subtitle options.

How to load a DVD player

A DVD player is very similar to a CD player – so the chances are, if you can operate one of those then this shouldn’t be too much of a trauma. Press Open and put the DVD into the player, pattern side up, shiny side down. This is so that you can have a last-minute check you are about to watch the film you are expecting.

With the television on, select the audiovisual channel. Press Power On to turn on the DVD player. If you are not on the right channel, flick through all the channels to see which channel displays the DVD option when you flick past it. Ah, there it is! A slow but flawless technique.