How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (14 page)

Today poker is cautiously regulated by gambling casinos, yet remains the most addictive of all card games. As well as tournaments and casinos it is now one of the most popular interactive games on the internet.

Learning the basics

Although very dependent on the hand you are dealt, poker is essentially a game of skill. And instead of scoring points, you win cash.

But before you strap on the green visor, disappear under a fog of cigar smoke, and throw down your life’s savings, you’re going to have to learn when to ‘hold ’em and when to fold ’em’.

There are countless versions and they can be quite complex so focus on Five-Card Draw, as it is the easiest to learn.

Understanding basic mathematical principles of probability are helpful – yikees – but the most essential skills are psychological. Women should win at
this
hands down.

Poker is played with a standard deck of fifty-two playing cards. The cards are ranked from high to low in the following order: ace, king, queen, jack, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2. Aces are ALWAYS high. Aces are worth more than the kings, which are worth more than the queens, which are worth more than the jacks, and so on . . .

The cards are also separated into four ‘suits’. The suits are: clubs, spades, hearts and diamonds. These suits here have nothing to do with tailoring and are all of equal value.

To start, each player is dealt five cards.

The object of the game is to end up with the highest-valued hand. From best to worst, hands are ranked in the following order:

The most valuable of all hands. It’s composed of 10, jack, queen, king and ace, all of the same suit. It is virtually impossible to get this hand but this is the one to aim for.

This is comprised of five cards in numerical order, again all of the same suit. You’re not allowed to ‘wrap around’, e.g. Q-K-A-2-3. This is also very rare. If you get two of these in a row, you are cheating. If there are two Straight Flushes at the table, whichever hand’s Straight Flush reaches the highest card value wins.

If you are already getting confused, why not start your poker career by playing with a partner. Two heads are better than one.

Four cards of the same numerical rank, and another random card. If there are two or more hands that qualify, the hand with the highest-ranking Four of a Kind wins.

This is when of the five cards in your hand, three have the same numerical rank, and the two remaining cards also have the same numerical rank. Ties are broken first by the Three of a Kind, then the Pair. So K-K-K-3-3 beats Q-Q-Q-A-A, which beats Q-Q-Q-7-7.

Still with me?

Nothing to do with excessive blushing although poker can make you feel very hot and bothered. This is when you have five cards of the same suit, regardless of their numerical rank. In a tie, whoever has the highest-ranking card wins.

Five cards in numerical order, regardless of their suits. As with the Straight Flush, a Straight cannot ‘wrap around’. In a tie, whoever’s Straight goes to a higher-ranking card wins.

Three cards of the same numerical rank, and two random cards that are not a pair.

Two sets of pairs, and another random card.

One pair and three random cards. If more than one person has a One Pair, then the person with the highest-ranking pair wins.

If none of the players has anything of value, the player holding the highest-valued card wins, with the 2 as the lowest card, and the ace as the highest. In the case of a tie, you move to the next highest card, and continue.

Now you know what it takes to win. Gather a group, dim the lights and shuffle the cards.

Unlike bridge, poker is almost always played for cash not cards. But before the game begins, collectively agree on a betting limit. A betting limit keeps the game friendly, and prevents people from gambling away Manolos, diamonds, or happiness.

Getting started

Shall we begin?

1
   Each player places an ante or ‘token bet’ into the pot before the cards are dealt. The ante can be anything from tuppence to thousands and gets the thing going, but also sets the tone and gives you an idea of what stakes you are playing for. Remember: it is a game, so try not to get too competitive.

You do need an ante because it guarantees that someone will win on each hand, and hopefully that someone is you.

2
   Once everyone has placed their ante/guarantee, the dealer deals the cards, face down, around the table, starting with the player to their left and continuing clockwise. The dealer (if playing) always deals to themselves last. The ‘dealer’ is the person who either knows what they are doing or is good at shuffling cards. The dealer gives everyone their first card, then goes back around the circle to deal the second, and so on. As soon as everyone has five cards, the remainder of the deck is placed in the middle of the table, face down and play begins.

3
   Look at your cards, spread them into a fan shape so only you can see them. The first player places a bet. There are several ways of deciding who bets first, but when starting keep it simple, and let the player directly to the left of the dealer make the first bet. Then on the next hand, the person to his left will bet first, and so on around the table for each new hand. Play with poker equality and etiquette.

4
   Players have several options as far as the first round of betting goes. If no one has made a bet yet, you now have two choices:

Open
: If no betting has begun when your turn comes, you may ‘open’ the pot. This simply means that you make the first bet.

Check
: The opportunity to ‘check’ occurs only if no one has yet opened the betting when it comes time for you to decide what to do. Decide if your cards are strong enough to stand up to the stress.

When betting begins you have three choices:

See
: When you ‘see’ another player, it means that you match their bet.

Raise
: When you ‘raise’ it requires you first to ‘see’ the previous bet, and then increase the bet.

Fold
: When someone else opens, you can always jump ship and cut your losses, in other words, you ‘fold’. The act of folding is to ‘give up’, place your cards face down on the table, and lose whatever you’ve bet so far.

You need to concentrate because if it wasn’t already, this is where it gets complicated.

5
   All the players who haven’t folded are allowed to get rid of the cards they don’t want and take some new cards. A player is permitted to get rid of up to three unwanted cards and receive up to three new ones from the deck (as long as the player always has five cards in total). No one sees what anyone else has
discarded
(thrown away) or
drawn
(got as a new card). It’s all done face down.

6
   Once every player has drawn 0–3 new cards, the betting begins all over again. You have the option of
opening
or
checking,
and once someone opens, you can
see, raise
, or
fold.
The game ends when there are no more raises, or everybody folds.

7
   At this point it’s time for everyone to turn their cards over and see how they fared.

8
   The player with the highest hand wins the pot.

And then you start the whole thing all over again. Poker nights are heavy, late, long nights.

Poker face

Basically the only way to stay in the game is not to fold. If you have terrible cards, or a ‘bad hand’ and want out, you should seriously consider folding, because you’ll need more than beginner’s luck, you’ll need a miracle. But if you think you have what could be a good or even an outstanding hand, then of course you should play on. The trick is not to give away what you are thinking or intending to do. You need to be able to ‘bluff’ and avoid the ‘tell’.

Bluffing is pretending to have better cards than you actually have. It is a fundamental strategy of the game.

A ‘tell’ is a weakness; that’s bad, you don’t want one of them. A ‘tell’ is a mannerism that you inadvertently repeat and that lets the other players know how good your hand is. No one ever wants other people to know their tell, but everyone has one. When you lie, you inadvertently give little clues. A player may mop his brow when he has a good hand, while another player may grit her teeth and mumble when she has a low hand. Whatever it is, you should always try to learn the other players’ tells, as well as try to hide yours. Learn this skill as it can also be handy for work and dating.

Don’t be scared to fold. Keep focused and concentrate.

Know when to quit, and never lose control. Bet with your head, not over it. This is the slogan for Gamblers Anonymous, and it couldn’t be more accurate. Betting within your means will allow the game to remain fun. Remember: very few people make their fortunes playing poker. A lot more lose theirs.

If this has whetted your appetite you should read Al Alvarez’s classic
Poker: Bets, Bluffs and Bad Beats
(published by Bloomsbury, 2001), which is the definitive book for players, or pick up
The Big Blind
by Louise Wener (published by Hodder and Stoughton, 2003) with its poker-playing heroine.

How to place a bet

One very stylish way to make some money is ‘to have a flutter on the gee-gees’ (horses). Not only is Ascot a
very
good excuse to get a lovely wide-brimmed hat, and deck yourself out à la Audrey Hepburn in
My Fair Lady
, there is a chance that you could make some pennies.

Try to ignore the men in the tweed coats who flap their arms about as if trying to prevent frostbite. This is apparently a code with tips on who to back, but often it’s better to pass on this.

Most tracks have a minimum wager – say a pound, or something. Best to stick with this as there is no point getting greedy till you have mastered the ropes. At the racetracks you are betting against all the other people there – so as you win, someone else will lose. The track gets to keep a percentage of everyone’s winnings, so they are always happy.

Before placing your bet purchase a programme and see if any of the candidates grab your fancy.

You can either use women’s intuition or get expert opinions from more seasoned betters and see who is the favourite, who is the 10 to 1, or 2 to 1. Obviously the more likely they are to win the less of a gamble and the less you will win. But if you throw caution to the wind and back a wild card, simply because he shares a name with your nursery school teacher/first pet, and he romps in first, well you will be in the money, honey.

So what to do:

1
   Make your selection. Know the name of your horse, its number and have your cash at the ready as you approach the counter. You do not want to get flustered by hecklers and impatient queuers into making the wrong choice. Have all the information written down and be ready to bet. You have to get the official horse number from the programme, so make sure you jot this down correctly, this is your lottery number!

2
   Pick your wager. Ignore all the complex options, go with the easiest – a show bet, which means if your horse runs in first, second or third you win too.

3
   Stick to your guns. Know your glass ceiling and do not be tempted to bet beyond this. Strong will power. Check that you are in the right queue; some windows are for million-dollar bets – you should not stand in this one.

4
   When it is your turn tell the ‘teller’, who is the bet-taking person, the name of the horse you are going to put a wager on, the horse number and the race number, and then finally how much you are going to put on it to win. If you want to bet on more than one race make a list and do all your bets in one trip as you won’t be able to show off your outfit to its best advantage standing in a muddy queue.

5
   Get your ticket – proof of your bet – and put it somewhere safe, as you cannot collect any winnings without it.

6
   Get a glass of Champagne and go and watch the race.

Events worth having a flutter on include: the Grand National, the Oxford v. Cambridge Boat Race, as well as any Ascot Race – aim to go on Ladies’ Day. Football, polo and even
Big Brother
can be bet on in local Ladbrokes or other bookmakers, but far better to save betting for a hat-wearing occasion.

Betting terms to know

Abandoned:
A race that has been cancelled so all bets are refunded.

Accumulator:
A multiple bet where you make simultaneous selections on two or more races. But be warned: all sections must win before you win.

All out:
Ahh – the horse is going all out, giving it his best shot and galloping his heart out for you.

Allowance:
Weight concession the horse is given to compensate for rider’s inexperience.

ART:
Artificial turf.

AWT:
All weather track.

Back:
To bet or wager.

Bag of sand:
Grand, £1,000.

Banker:
The one expected to win.

Bar price:
Refers to the odds of the runners, nothing to do with drinks.

Blind bet:
Not your bet, but a bet made by another racetrack bookmaker to throw you off the winning scent.

Blinkers:
The eye masks the horses wear.

Bolt:
A bolt from the blue, an unexpected veering from the straight course.

Century:
£100 (also known as a ton).

Cockle:
Slang for ten – either 10/1 odds or £10.