How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (9 page)

Plump up their pillows, draw their curtains, get them a fresh glass of water and a cup of tea. Ask them if there is
anything
that you can get them, and indeed what their symptoms are.

If they seem really unwell you can offer to take their temperature, get them a cold flannel or hot-water bottle. If they seem contagious it might be worth trying to keep the window open, so that the room is ventilated, and the germs can easily escape.

Have a medical book to hand, listen to your patient and ask them to describe their symptoms. See if you can locate what is wrong in the index. But know the three stages of illness. One – you can cure. Two – a doctor should see it. Three – call an ambulance.

Make sure you understand how to tell a heart attack from wind. And perhaps you might ask the casualty if they are NHS or PPP.

Remember: be as nice and considerate and soothing to them as you would expect them to be to you. If you have a good bedside manner then when you are sick they will want to fuss over you.

How to avoid flu fast and fashionably

Stay away from people with flu. Avoid sneezing, coughing and sniffing friends.

Keep your hands clean, and keep them away from your eyes, nose and mouth to avoid spreading any germs you may have accidentally made contact with.

Drink lots of water and eat plenty of healthy food. However much you crave chocolate cake throw some fruit into the mix. Aim to drink 2 litres of water and eat five pieces of fruit or vegetables a day.

If you are worried that you are coming down with something increase your vitamin intake.

Do as your mother always wanted: eat your greens, join a gym and exercise, be it walking, stretching, running, swimming; there must be something that you can do/tolerate.

How to care for yourself if you have flu

Keep yourself warm, wrap up and stay in. There is no point going out with a red and runny nose.

If you are losing your voice try gargling, either with a little bit of salt or some soluble aspirin.

Hot showers and hot drinks: these will not only comfort you but help you sweat the fever out. If you are feverish drink lots and lots of water, even more water than a supermodel, as you will dehydrate faster than usual.

Soup, either lovingly home-made or Heinz. Tomato for comfort and chicken for mucus. Euugh. No, really. It has an amino acid in it called cysteine that will help clear it.

Cut out dairy products as they will cause gridlock in your sinuses. Replace with hot water and lemon.

Go easy on the cough sweets as they mask the cough and you need to cough it out.

Stay in bed and try to rest.

Try not to get wound up by work as if you are stressed you will take longer to get better.

To prevent a cold try echinacea and garlic and zinc.

For headaches take 1 tablespoon of lavender, betony, marjoram and rose petals. Put into a cloth sachet bag, add boiling water, and drink.

For coughs and colds you want honey and glycerine.

For sore throats add 2 tablespoons of dried rosemary to a pint of boiling water and drink.

For indigestion or an upset stomach try peppermint tea, and to relieve fatigue add a few drops of lavender oil to your bath.

If you are still sick after forty-eight hours, get to a doctor. Beg for some antibiotics, and if they say it’s ‘just flu’ feel free to cry.

How to hold court from your sick bed

Depending on your symptoms you do not have to disappear from society. You can still have visitors bring you magazines, flowers and news from the outside world.

Put on a nice, covering nightie; negligees are not suitable for receiving when sick. Light a scented candle, because even if you can smell nothing you always have to think of others, and the flickering dim light of a candle can add to the overall effect of your sick setting. Prop yourself, or get help, up on your pillows, have tissues, Olbas oil and blankets within reach.

Keep your guests at a slight distance, as you don’t want to pass on the flu, nor do you want them to see how red your nose is.

Limit visits to no more than twenty minutes if truly sick, but if you are simply bored and it’s a leg-in-a-cast, can’t-move type scenario get them over to watch a DVD or something to keep you company.

How to stock your first-aid kit

A workman needs his tools, so minimise the amount of blood staining your carpet and general hysteria by having your own in-house chemist in the bathroom cupboard. You can buy ready-made first-aid boxes but filling your own plastic lunch box is better as it will help you be aware of the remedies to cure snake bites, witches’ spells for headaches, and potions that are at your disposal.

You absolutely must have:

A packet of antiseptic wipes to clean the wound easily. You can also have a bottle of Dettol but that is messier and stings more.

A packet of plasters in a variety of sizes.

Antiseptic cream.

Painkillers.

Bandages, gauzes, cotton wool, plus bandage tape, safety pins and scissors. (Yes, you do need separate first aid scissors as you’ll never find your other pair in times of need.)

Tweezers for removal of splinters, gravel and so on.

Optrex/eye sterilising solution.

Packet of tissues to dry any tears.

A torch (well, what if you are injured in a power cut?).

Packet of sweets (good for distraction and shock, have enough for both you and the wounded).

Emergency contact number list.

How to apply finger plasters

Paper cuts are a very nasty hazard and unspoken danger of the workplace. They most certainly deserve a plaster. Finger plasters are well worth investing in as they are shaped like butterflies and can curl around your fingertip. First check that the wound is clean and is not bleeding too much, then curl plaster round, and kiss better.

How to deal with wasp stings

As with most things you need to know what you are allergic to – and avoid it. Bees and wasps can be avoided, but sometimes they are determined, so if you are allergic to them always have the appropriate antidote with you to prevent things getting serious.

If it is just one sting you can deal with it. Hopefully they will sting and buzz off (wasp) or die (bee) but right now this is not your main concern. You need to remove the sting without the poison going further into the skin or blood system. Do not try to pluck it out – this could release the venom. Instead get tweezers or a blunt knife (note ‘blunt’ here) and try to scrape the sting out. Then once it’s been removed wash the wound and if there is swelling or pain place packet of frozen peas on the wound. Apply Waspeze or antiseptic cream, and if still in pain take a painkiller.

If you get stung in the mouth or throat it’s a serious problem; head to A&E. Likewise, more than one sting may lead to anaphylactic shock, which is really bad.

How to be stylish in a sling

First of all you need to know how to style a sling or, in layman’s terms, how to knot it on. Take a triangular bandage, or fold a square one in half, and sit down. You will need help doing this if you are the wounded. Support your broken wing with the opposite hand, so that only you are manhandling the battered arm. Hold gently across your chest and forward enough to enable your assistant to slip one side of the triangle underneath. They should then take one tip of the triangle up to the neck and then fold the other behind the elbow and up to the neck on the other side, and knot as comfortably and as tightly as possible. Finish off with a little safety pin to tuck the arm safely in at the elbow, so it feels supported and safe.

Do not feel restricted to using cream and hospital regulation slings – silk scarves also work, especially if it’s an evening function. An arm in a cast is no reason to neglect your label commitments. The choices are endless: treat yourself or ask to be treated to Dior, Burberry, Gucci, Pucci and, if you are feeling really sorry for yourself, the ultimate, Hermes. But finds from your travels can be equally fabulous as long as they are highly patterned, silky and stylish.

If you are suffering in a sling opt for halter-neck tops, button-up shirts, and cardigans. Adapt your wardrobe and explore new ways to dress to make the most of your sling status.

How to walk with crutches

Before you leave the hospital in your cast get some instructions and road test your crutches. Make sure that you have the correct size and height so that you are as comfortable as possible. Position under both arms and lean forward. Unfortunately the footwear will have to stoop to sneakers, and only on one foot; this is the only time you should abandon heels as there is no point wearing down one side. Check the padding feels comfortable around the hands, and don’t try to walk too far on your first trip – the armpits will ache.

Do small steps at first, and aim to have someone close by in case you topple over.

Rest as much as needed, but try to move around as much as you can bear to because this will aid the healing process. You need to keep your strength up so try to exercise the muscles, otherwise you will be as stiff as a cream cracker and feel dreadful when the plaster cast comes off. And while your foot/leg is in plaster don’t forget to wiggle your toes and treat them to a good pedicure – they will be feeling really stressed out.

How to use toilets at concert venues

If you are rock chick enough to go to Glastonbury or some outdoor concert and you need to make a call of nature, be prepared.

If you simply cannot keep your legs crossed for another six hours you will have to venture into a scary Portaloo situation.

First try to blag your way backstage into the VIP enclosure, saying that you are an A&R scout, a backing singer, a girlfriend, their PR, whatever fits your look, and use the facilities there. The groups tend to have their own fancy trailers with all mod cons attached so theirs will be up to department store standard.

If this doesn’t work there is nothing else for it than to join the queue.

Take a friend with you as you may be gone hours. If you are worried about physical contact with the door you could bring along your marigolds.

Take a deep breath, open the door, and do not breathe in.

Touch NOTHING; ideally get your friend to lean/stand in front of the door so you do not have to lock it and risk getting trapped in the toxic coffin for the afternoon.

Go prepared. Take tissues with you, and antibacterial wipes.

As unladylike as this sounds, in a venue like this there is no choice but to squat and pray, and as you are not breathing in here be as quick as possible.

If going at night you will definitely want your friend to come, perhaps equipped with a torch for some illumination.

As you leave and disinfect yourself, squirt yourself with a dab of your signature perfume, and slip your shades over your eyes as you recover from this dignity loss. Pretend it never happened.

How to change a nappy

There is one key tip here: do it quickly. This is another hold your breath moment, but first of all have a squidge around the derrière region and be sure it is absolutely necessary to change before you unleash the odour of the devil. Nappies are only your responsibility if it is your child. Do not volunteer unless a blood relative. Terry towelling nappies may look cute, but washing and recycling nappies is a commitment that only the greenest should take on.

Lay your little gurgler on their back on a mat, unbutton so that you can get to said nappy. Have all your equipment to hand: bin, wet wipes, fresh nappy and peg for nose.

Tickle their tummy to distract them while you get the front two stickers open, and then, taking a deep breath, whip the mini baby legs up in the air with one hand and pull the nappy off with the other.

Throw the horror – nappy not child – immediately into bin.

Wipe them down, and reseal water leak with fresh nappy, quickly.

You can always practise on Tiny Tears dolls, or alternatively employ a nanny and catch up with your child once they are potty trained, or collecting their degree.

How to pick up dog-do with style

It is not a naturally easy thing to do with style, but if you have a dog it will become necessary. Cats would be absolutely horrified if you got involved with their toilet habits, whereas man’s best friend feels happiest with you on side through every aspect of the relationship.

When the inevitable situation occurs try not to pull a sour face but whip out a plastic carrier bag. A supermarket bag is ideal here, see-through is clearly not good, and paper ones, despite having superior labels, don’t scrunch up as well. With the bag inside out, your hand inside the plastic like a glove, knees together and head high, stoop down, place hand over poop, and as you grab it flick the plastic bag round it, tie knot and get to the nearest rubbish bin to dispose. Quickly. However much fun the walk is, you do not want to be wandering around with this for long.

How to Perform

‘How kind of you to let me come’
Eliza Doolittle
(
Audrey Hepburn)
, in
My Fair Lady

How to survive an occasion: weddings, funerals and birthdays

There are the good, the bad and the downright ugly, but however hard you try to avoid them you can never escape them.

Birthdays are fairly predictable and there is the comfort that everyone there has shared the same experience. Funerals, though not a merry gathering, are also straightforward.

The hardest thing to navigate is the wedding.

Weddings

‘Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again so is a bicycle repair kit’
Billy Connolly

Weddings are the happiest day of the white-dress-wearer’s life, so it stands to reason that for a truly joyous union there has to be misery and stress somewhere.