He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (3 page)

Why does married sex become predictable and boring? Dr. Helen Fisher, a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, divides love into three categories—lust, romantic love, and attachment—and considers these to be evolved drives associated with different brain chemicals. Lust inspires us to seek a range of partners.

Romantic love drives us, instead, to focus on a specific romantic partner. We often fall romantically in love with someone we perceive, perhaps subconsciously, to be a good provider and to father the type of children we want (if we are female), and likely to conceive and nurture the type of children we want (if we are male). In those exhilarat-ing early days of romance, our beloved seems fascinating, irresistible, and red hot. These are the glory days long-term married couples wistfully remember—the “honeymoon” stage (that sometimes doesn’t even last until the honeymoon) when desire for each other was a constant, rather than a sometime, thing. Most couples made love every day, some multiple times a day; at any rate, when two people fall into 18

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

lust that leads to love, the brain chemicals necessary to best ensure propagation of the species are distributed in just the right amounts to make them want to make love all the time. However, Dr. Fisher believes that
“
it is not adaptive to be intensely romantically in love for twenty years. . . . [And] we would all die of sexual exhaustion.” In a good relationship, brain chemicals shift and attachment emerges.

This is the sense of calm and peace, a Sunday kind of love that is the foundation of a stable, long-term partnership, enabling the pair to raise their offspring. It trumps lust, at least most of the time. Ironically, hormones that allow attachment to thrive (oxytocin and vasopressin) suppress lust and romantic love. It would appear to be a catch-22—great marriage, or great sex.

Clinical psychologist and sex therapist David Schnarch agrees that marriage, and the readily available sex that goes along with it, frequently results in partners wanting less instead of more. Schnarch makes a psychological rather than biological case for decreased passion, arguing that “the person with the least desire for sex always controls the frequency of sexual contact between spouses.” Thus, if a man stops wanting sex because of fear (erectile dysfunction [ED], premature ejaculation, inhibited orgasm, fathering a child, intimacy issues), anger, or depression, and his wife becomes accustomed to and distressed by what she experiences as his rejection of herself, she will ultimately stop trying to reverse the trend. The converse is true as well.

The wife may be refusing the husband for her own reasons, until he no longer feels the effort is worthwhile. They might even be on a sexual seesaw, each taking turns being the one pursuing or turning away.

Dr. Schnarch believes that there is a clear correlation between the increasing importance of one’s partner to oneself and the unsettling discomfort of being vulnerable. The fear of losing a spouse, or having a spouse choose to leave, can result in decreased desire as a protective mechanism. The more complete the relationship, the greater the loss if it ends. That’s why, he suggests, some people find it easier to experiment in one-night stands or emotionally disposable affairs—there’s no risk of why men stop having sex

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being exposed, rejected, or considered deviant when the other person can’t hurt you. Schnarch states: “We demand stability in marriage—and when we get it we complain things are always the same.”

Familiarity Breeds Contentment

These are intriguing theories, but can anything be done to alleviate the boredom? There are no easy solutions to the monotonous sex that evolves in many marriages, but if the problem is just fatigue with the sex-by-numbers, don’t-do-anything-surprising or don’t-take-any-chances routine that married sex often becomes, then
anything
different usually works. (That’s why so many couples have sex the minute they get to their vacation hotel room, jet lag or no jet lag. It’s not the free time or the lack of day-to-day pressure; it’s the change of venue, the different bed, sheets, and pajamas that liberate.) All those magazine solutions—

lingerie, massages, erotica, fantasies, and sex toys—can help, for a short time, at least. There’s a lot to be said for a silk camisole and high heels instead of a torn T-shirt and socks. The problem is, eventually you run out of ideas and money. Dr. Schnarch (and others) makes a strong case for differentiation, which is holding on to your own identity and looking to
yourself
for approval and validation, and not your spouse. We concur.

The constant, relentless, delicious sex of those first few
months or years will probably never return.

Individuality and separateness encourages passion and is probably imperative in retaining heat in your marriage, or restarting the fire.

But we want to make an important point here: The constant, relentless, delicious sex of those first few months or years will probably never return.

For the majority of people fortunate enough to be in loving long-term 20

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

committed relationships, fantasies, vacations, and lacy underwear aren’t going to reverse those brain chemicals back to the good old days, or exorcise every last one of those vulnerability demons. They might jump-start things a bit, and probably will, as long as both partners are open to change, and there are no other issues to deal with, which is often not the case. And even in the most optimal of relationships there are, apart from the workday itself, the mundane routines necessary to keep the household going—bills to be paid, groceries shopped for, meals prepared and dishes washed, garbage taken out, not to mention the kids.

Even if these chores are shared reasonably, married life is still very different from those early months of dating. The everyday aspects of a well-functioning marriage are not to be trivialized; they can in fact be calming and build contentment and security, but sexy they’re not. And all the magazine articles in the world telling you to light a bunch of candles and run an aromatic bath can’t explain
how
to transition from a steamy hot soak to a steamy hot night of sex.

Sexual Novocain

Anger is a powerful sexual Novocain, and 44 percent of the men said they were furious. They felt criticized and controlled, undervalued and insignificant, yet many couldn’t, or wouldn’t, talk about it with their partners. Afraid of yet another fight, or a long list of things they’re doing wrong, they shut down emotionally and sexually.

My wife is so overly critical, in every possible way, starting with my work, telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing and telling me how I should be living my life. She treats me like a child, saying things like “If you don’t put your shoes away, I’m going to throw them outside the door.” (Male, 47) Clearly, the marriage described in the preceding quote is filled with bitterness and disappointment. The wife has become an annoy-why men stop having sex

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ing bully; he has shut down completely and withholds the only thing he thinks might hurt her. They probably both feel underappreciated.

Couples need to learn how to discuss their issues with
respect, and to really listen to each other.

We have to wonder what benefit each is getting from this seemingly unhappy partnership. Do they find comfort in their assigned roles of nagging wife and henpecked husband, reenacting unpleasant yet familiar scenes from their childhood? Does the wife’s constant criticism give her husband the needed psychological ammunition to withdraw from her sexually? Is that something he would want to do anyway?

I’m angry at her because she knows it all and always has to be right. She wants to keep talking about things until I’m sick of it.

(Male, 49)

This comment interested us because it seemed to indicate an unfortunate but common marital problem. She keeps talking, but he stopped listening. He may feel like the junior partner and since she

“always has to be right,” he believes there is no room for his opinion or feelings. At this point, negative communication appeals to her more than none at all. The problem is there’s no real conversation going on here. Her plan is to keep speaking until she gets him to agree with her—she’s desperate for his understanding and support—and this is unlikely because, to him, it’s all nagging and he tuned out long ago. His plan is to communicate silently, by withholding sex. Couples need to learn how to discuss their issues with respect, and to really listen to each other. She has to begin by trying to explain what’s re
ally
bothering her, and he has to try to slow down, stop, and hear what she’s saying.

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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

I’m just plain mad. I do so much more around the house than my father ever did: I vacuum, wash dishes, do the laundry, and change the diapers. I want what women have been saying they want for years, thanks and respect. I want to feel wanted. And until I get it, there isn’t going to be any sex.

(Male, 50s)

We strongly believe egalitarian marriages work best, and we also think partners
should
thank each other for doing those little, usually unpleasant, boring, and, yes, thankless, jobs. This guy feels not only unappreciated, but unwanted. Sadly, he has become a twenty-first-century-male Lysistrata, withholding sex until his personal battle for respect is won.

For my own amusement, I took to counting the seconds between arriving home from work every day and the first negative comment. It was generally significantly less than a minute.

(Male, 50s)

Most men tie their self-worth into two things: their sexuality and their jobs. Unfortunately for them, this is the very foundation of their validation, and it easily gets cracked and eroded. If a woman shows a man no passion (in spite of the fact that he may not have any himself ), he will feel rejected, and the rejection will, often, turn into anger, apathy, or depression. A little bit of flattery might go a long way in the situation described in the previous quote, but any kind of positive reinforcement tends to be one of the first things to exit from an anger-based marriage. What remains is an emotional void, a relationship where intimacy becomes foreign and distasteful, and not to be trusted because the risk is far greater than the reward.

An angry man may be a raging bull, or he may just sit quietly, secretly consumed by fury.

why men stop having sex

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No Erection = No Sex

Forty percent of men over the age of 40 suffer from impotence at least on occasion, and the percentage increases with age. It is estimated that more than 30 million men in the United States have this problem. Certain medical conditions, such as hypertension, diabetes, and obesity, can result in difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. Depression and anxiety can have the same result, as can many and various medications (including some used for treating depression and anxiety). Losing the ability to get and maintain an erection goes to the very core of masculinity, and it can be easier to just stop having (partnered) sex than risk embarrassment. And, by the way, only a small percentage of men who could benefit from Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra get prescriptions. Impotence is that difficult to discuss, even with a doctor. It seems probable that it is underreported even in an anonymous online survey.

Although 30 percent of the male respondents acknowledged problems with ED, 39 percent of the women thought it was a problem.

The men who were willing to admit it was an issue rarely commented further, and when they did it was often to transfer the source of their

“problem” to the woman they married, suggesting that her lack of adventure, interest, or even her appearance was the real reason.

Later in the book we will explain the physiological and psychological reasons for erectile dysfunction, as well as the closely related problems of premature ejaculation and inhibited orgasm, and explore ways to approach and solve this problem with compassion and tact and help you or your partner stop suffering in silence. It is an extremely common problem, and, importantly, one that usually can be easily resolved.

Depression and Libido-Lowering Medications

Clinical sex therapist Della Fitzgerald believes depression is one of the main reasons men stop being sexual with their wives, and the 24

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

majority of our female respondents agree. Dr. Fitzgerald states: “Many times the man may not even be aware that he is depressed over the stressful things in life—economic stress, career stress, not achieving the things he wants. He is not even aware he has responded [to the stress] with anger, and the anger has gone underground and moved into depression. He is not enthusiastic about anything at all.” He is not enthusiastic about having sex with his wife if he thinks
she’s
depressed, either. That was the case with almost four out of ten men.

Ironically, just as depression lowers libido, so do many antidepressants. There are new ones on the market now that are supposed to have less of a libido-lowering effect; however, everyone reacts individually to these drugs, or combination of drugs. It is imperative they be prescribed by a specialist such as a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist. Often, if a drug reduces sexual desire, it can be switched with one that won’t. It is extremely important that you inquire about any negative side effects that may occur, and discuss them fully with the physician, pharmacist, and your spouse.

SSRI = So Sorry, Romance Impossible?

Dr. Helen Fisher believes that some of these drugs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, such as, for example, Zoloft and Prozac) may not only lower libido, but also prevent the development of romantic love and attachment. They may even eliminate the ability to have those feelings, making a person in a committed long-term relationship suddenly and inexplicably feel no longer in love with his or her partner.

We are in no way suggesting that a depressed person should not get help (nor did anyone we interviewed); we think that these medications can make life worth living again and even save lives. However, we do believe antidepressants are sometimes prescribed for specious reasons, or without full disclosure, or, as an absolute worst-case scenario, just borrowed from a friend, and used without any medical why men stop having sex