He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (2 page)

introduc

7

tion

We surveyed men who stopped having sex with their wives
and women whose husbands stopped having sex with
them. More than 4,000 people responded.

We thoroughly enjoy the idea of marriage and feel unbelievably fortunate to be a part of one that is working well. However, when we say “marriage,” “husband,” or “wife,” we are referring to any long-term committed relationship and the two people who make up that union. Besides, as we found out, a guy doesn’t have to march down the aisle to stop making love to his partner. We also found out that although we are focusing on situations where men make the decision, a marriage without passion stems from multiple causes, frequently in combination, and rarely is only one person the catalyst.

And although we are aware that homosexual relationships can also be without passion, we have restricted ourselves to heterosexual unions. It seems clear, however, that fear of intimacy, anger, boredom, depression, and low testosterone levels are relevant to all sexual orientations.

Our goal was to enlist a self-identified population of people in sexless marriages where the man was the one to initiate the end of intimacy. We surveyed men who stopped having sex with their wives and women whose husbands stopped having sex with them.

Many respondents were generous enough to allow follow-up in-depth interviews; every participant was promised anonymity, and all responses were numerically coded to eliminate any possibility of identification. More than 4,000 people responded, 33 percent male and 67 percent female. A copy of the survey and significant data can be found in the appendix. In addition, we interviewed psychologists, sex therapists, and physicians—all leading experts in their fields—and thoroughly reviewed the literature, theories old and new, and relevant statistical data. Our approach was journalistic rather 8

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

than scientific, and in all cases we tried to read and listen carefully, to really hear and respect what people were saying.

And talk they did, possibly welcoming an opportunity to discuss something that is not only painful, but, in contemporary Western society, an admission of failure. If you turn on the TV, go to the movies, or even open a magazine, everyone seems to be having a lot of sex. It can be incredibly difficult for a woman to think “He doesn’t want me.

I’m just not sexy to him anymore,” or for a man to question his potency, skill, and, ultimately, masculinity. One 35-year-old woman said: “There are almost no resources for people in this situation.” And a 30-year-old told us:

The minute I became his wife he stopped seeing me as a sexual being. For example, he told me that wives should never wear sexy underwear. I am only 30 years old and feel a part of me has died. I believe in the marriage vows, but within a year of marriage I was thinking about divorce. I applaud you for writing this book. A man not wanting sex is a subject that is never discussed, and I hope women like me can be comforted by your research.

Men choosing not to be sexual with their wives is underreported and rarely talked about. Their wives are perplexed, and sometimes angry. One thing seems very clear. The women want answers, and they don’t seem to be getting them from their silent partners.

PART I

the sexless husband

one

WHY MEN STOP HAVING SEX

Most women are raised to believe men want sex all the time, a belief the media consistently reinforces. So when a woman suddenly finds herself in a sexless marriage, it not only hurts a lot, it’s bewildering.

It seems irrational. That same man, the one who couldn’t wait to get you alone, couldn’t wait to make love to you, now acts either annoyed or exhausted if you even hint at intimacy. Sex should be such a natural, pleasurable, loving, simple thing, shouldn’t it? How did this happen?

Sex, of course, isn’t simple at all. It may be an expression of love, a whole lot of fun, irresistibly sublime, and the high point of your day, but simple it’s not. Some anthropologists suggest it was, once upon a time. When the objective was procreation and a male perhaps shared meat with a female in exchange for as much sex as he wanted, both were far too busy hunting, gathering, and outrunning whatever crea-ture might hunt and gather them first to worry about whether or not sex was happening on a regular basis. And, after all, who knew what a regular basis was, anyway?

Today we know, or at least we think we do. Women’s magazines seem to constantly be giving results to polls that ask the inevitable question: “If you are married or in a committed relationship, how often do you have sex?” The average is one to two times a week, a figure 12

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

that hasn’t changed since Kinsey first published his data on men in 1948 and women in 1953. Data are data, but what about all the couples who wouldn’t score quite so high on this test? If you are in a relationship where once a month is the norm, or for that matter, once a year, do you even want to take the test?

Why is it that so many married couples find themselves
living a life of celibacy?

Today we live in a world where every available form of media seems to scream out that people, and men in particular, want sex, and more sex. That trite and hackneyed expression “sex sells” still seems to be the mantra for pushing everything from soda to cars, to, well, sex. And the majority of us buy into this. We want to be those elusive things—desirable and sexy. The ultimate goal, what most of us really want, or think we really want, is to fall so much in love, to be in a relationship so committed that we become one special person’s own private sex symbol. We get a house together, and maybe a family, and lots of sex. Forever.

So why is it that so many married couples, those very people able to have as much sex as they want, find themselves living a life of celibacy? These same couples probably once had sex on a regular basis.

They thought each other interesting, attractive, and desirable enough to commit to sharing a bed forever. What stopped the passion?

IF YOU’RE IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE,

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

It’s good to know there are other women who experience this.

I thought it was really rare. (Female, 35)

why men stop having sex

13

Surveys tell us that 40 million Americans live in a no-sex or low-sex marriage. Some believe the number might be even higher. After all, we live in a culture where everyone, or at least everyone in a committed relationship, is supposed to be having sex, and lots of it. Not having sex equals failure, a lack of desirability. Who wants to check the

“never” box on that magazine quiz?

A sexless marriage is defined by experts as making love ten times a year or less. Whether or not that is a problem, of course, depends on the couple. If both are content, if “ten times a year or less” meets their needs and expectations, then they have no problem. Unfortunately, this usually is not the case. Often the loss of sexual pleasure and intimacy results in depression, suspicion, anger, resentment, and sometimes, infidelity and divorce. Although it is clear that this issue is rarely one-sided, it is nevertheless surprising to many that it is just as often the man who puts the brakes on sexuality as the woman.

The late Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, who was one of America’s leading sex therapists, suggested it was
more
often the man when he wrote,

“ . . . in the vast amount of couples consulting me about desire complaints it’s the women who want more and the man who always has a headache.” These same men who used to do whatever it took to get their fiancées or new brides into bed no longer desire them. What happened?

WHAT STOPS THE PASSION?

Why
do
men stop having sex with their wives? The reason is seldom simple and may have a physiological, psychological, or cultural foundation; recent studies add a genetic component. Often these elements combine.

We looked at the statistical reasons our male survey respondents, who self-identified as choosing not to have sex with their spouses, gave us for no longer being intimate, and we studied their comments 14

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

carefully. Let’s first take a look at some statistics. We asked men to rate a list of reasons on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of men who agreed with each of the causes.

WHY MEN SAID THEY STOPPED

reason percentage

(%)

She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.

68

She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.

61

I am interested in sex with others, but not with my wife.

48

I am angry at her.

44

I’m bored.

41

She is depressed.

40

She has gained a significant amount of weight.

38

I am depressed.

34

I no longer find her physically attractive.

32

I suffer from erectile dysfunction.

30

I lost interest and I don’t know why.

28

I prefer to masturbate, but not online.

25*

I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.

25*

I am on medication that lowered my libido.

21

I am/was having an affair.

20

I suffer from premature ejaculation.

16

I have difficulty achieving orgasm.

15

I am too tired.

14

She is/was having an affair.

9

I don’t have the time.

6

I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.

3

I am gay.

<1

*These figures may overlap.

Even an anonymous online survey might cause some people to reshape or shade the truth. Although the men know (or at least
think
why men stop having sex

15

they know) the reasons for their voluntary celibacy but the women are only guessing, either way the situation is embarrassing and painful. It is therefore not surprising that both men and women agree most with statements that shift responsibility away from themselves. Indeed, men indicate a lack of sexual adventure (hers, not his) as primary. It is difficult to believe that this lack of erotic excitement is completely one-sided, and that these men who identify their wives as unadventurous are themselves imaginatively passionate guys, just somehow mysteriously unable to inspire the one woman they chose to marry.

Both men and women agree most with statements that shift
responsibility away from themselves.

After all, they probably knew her acceptable level of tolerance for erotic exploration before the vows were exchanged. We suspect that boredom or other factors is closer to the truth, or they are confusing the pornography they see on DVDs or the Internet with reality.

STOP THE PRESSES! THESE MEN

REALLY
DO
WANT SEX!

The overwhelming majority of men who responded to our survey seem to indicate that they are still sexually active beings, or would like to be. The few exceptions are those with seriously debilitating medical conditions, and the 3 percent who said they never wanted sex to begin with. Slightly less than half say they are interested in sex, but not with their partners, which might be valid but could also mean boredom, anger, or performance anxiety. The majority masturbates, online or off, indicating a possible predilection for solitary over partnered sex. And although only 25 percent indicated a preference for 16

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

masturbating to online porn, 58 percent said yes, they looked at it.

For many of these men, a fantasy world is replacing an actual sex life with their spouse, bringing to mind the Oscar Wilde quote: “One’s real life is often the life one does not lead.”

THEN WHY AREN’T THEY MAKING

LOVE TO THEIR WIVES?

Here are some of the main reasons we believe men in partnered relationships choose celibacy or solitary sex. The issues are rarely one-sided or stand alone; indeed, they often combine. This is an overview, and all will be discussed in greater depth later on in the book. It should be mentioned here that the following list is by no means complete, it just represents the majority. A few men appear to come from backgrounds so traumatic (e.g., sexual, physical, or emotional abuse) that a fear of intimacy or dependency makes sustaining an intimate partnered relationship impossible without extensive psychological counseling. Others are alcohol or drug dependent to a degree that disallows a satisfactory sexual relationship, and still others suffer from physical illness and disease that precludes sex.

He’s Bored/She’s Bored

Drs. Max and Della Fitzgerald are clinical sex therapists who studied with William Masters and Virginia Johnson and are founders of The Fitzgerald Institute in North Carolina. We asked them why they believed some men stop having sex with their wives. Max replied that the main reason is boredom. “Same place, same station. We do it the same way every time. Men like variety, and when a couple gets stuck in a routine, the man is the first one to get dissatisfied with it.” Della agreed, saying, “Definitely, boredom.”

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different why men stop having sex

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results is that wonderful definition of insanity attributed to Albert Einstein. It often is what happens in the conjugal bed. What seemed exciting once upon a time now seems just plain dull. Some men may not be having sex with their wives because sex simply isn’t worth the effort.

They’d rather watch television. Their wives may feel the same way, not really missing mediocre sex, just missing that feeling of being desired.

Why does sex become predictable and boring?

This lack of newness, energy, and emotion translates for many men into a lack of adventure and sexual enjoyment on the part of their partners, transferring the problem and ignoring the fact that they’re not bringing any originality to bed, either. What they are really feeling here is rejection, thinking, “My spouse lacks enthusiasm for, and is apathetic about—
me
! She doesn’t care about
me
anymore. If she did, she would be more passionate!”