He's Just Not Up for It Anymore

why men stop

having sex,

and what you

can do about it

HE’S JUST NOT

UP FOR IT

ANYMORE

BOB BERKOWITZ, Ph.D., and

SUSAN YAGER-BERKOWITZ

For Susan, the love of my life

B.B.

As always, for Bob

S.Y.B.

contents

Introduction

1

PART I: the sexless husband

one

Why Men Stop Having Sex

11

two

Why Women Think Their Husbands Stop

Having

Sex

33

PART II: inside the sexless man’s mind

three Not Tonight, Dear, We’re Married

53

four

Pregnancy and the End of Passion

74

five

Predictable, Boring, Unadventurous Sex

81

six Anger

Mismanagement

101

seven Depression: The Ultimate Passion Killer

118

eight Erectile Dysfunction: The Silent

Passion

Killer

125

nine

Caught in the Net

145

v

contents

ten

No Sex Please, We’re Eating

161

eleven Maybe He’s Gay? Asexual?

175

PART III: what couples are doing about it

twelve Should I Stay or Should I Go?

195

thirteen What Women Are Doing About It

203

fourteen And in the End . . .

210

Appendix

217

Notes

225

Acknowledgments

235

Index

237

About the Authors

Cover

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

INTRODUCTION

You know, it was hard on my ego and self-esteem when he didn’t want me sexually, because I didn’t grow up knowing there were men out there like that. (Female, 40) It was strange to me how my interest in my wife died. I considered her an attractive woman, but she was always very angry.

Her anger grew and grew until it became like she was actually seething whenever she looked at me. Even during all that time (twenty years) I was still attracted to her. But one day it was like a switch flipped off and I realized that I could no longer torture myself by being attracted to a woman who obviously hated me. (Man, 50s)

Awoman we know once told us that although her marriage was otherwise wonderful, her husband of twelve years rarely had sex with her, and when he did, he appeared distant and detached.

She felt positive he was faithful, straight, and not spending time with pornography. He just wasn’t that interested, and she was confused. Was this the way she wanted to live for the rest of her life? So 2

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

she went to a therapist. “What kind of woman have I become if I am willing to live this way?” she asked. “I’m very sexual, or at least I used to be. How can I have made this bargain? I have a good marriage except for one little thing—there’s no sex. Don’t I deserve more?

Shouldn’t I want more?” Her therapist replied that she was a sensible and mature woman, but much too hard on herself and her marriage.

“Sex takes up such a small part of your life, at best 3 percent once you settle into a marriage. Why would you throw away something that’s positive 97 percent of the time? Let’s try to find out what’s going on here.”

The therapist helped our friend and her husband understand and improve their situation. Once they identified and accepted what was stopping the man from being passionate, desire was restored. Their issues, by the way, were not one-sided. They rarely are. Although on the surface they were best friends and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company, the couple had deeper problems, mainly his fear of intimacy and her tendency to be controlling and critical. The more he shut down emotionally, the more critical she became; the marriage and his libido were caught in a feedback loop. He was so afraid of being abandoned that he refused to allow real intimacy or commitment to enter his life, and the more she felt rejected, the more controlling and critical she became. But after addressing their problems, they say they are much happier and closer now in what they laughingly call their “second” marriage.

One thing they learned was not just to talk (they were already doing that) but to listen. Really listen, between the lines if necessary.

Talking is a great first step, but listening is crucial; it allowed their marriage to adapt and then grow.

Unfortunately, other relationships aren’t (or don’t allow themselves to be) so blessed, and they deteriorate over the years. The following comment is from a woman whose husband seems to have shut down completely.

introduc

3

tion

It’s not just the fifteen years without ANY sex . . . it’s the last three years of no touching, hugging, or kissing. My husband never says “I love you.” He has killed my spirit. We have been married for thirty-three years and have four grown children. I am terrified to be alone at this point in my life, terrified of trying to support myself. But I am alone anyway, even if he is in the same room. I am now seriously thinking of divorce. I deserve better. (Female, 50s)

We agree with her. She does deserve better, and so does her spouse. They’ve lived together for what is likely more than half their lives. They’ve raised a family. But now they’re alone, together. It’s not difficult to understand her conflict. Her husband may be having similar doubts about their marriage now that the children are grown. What has made him reject her so completely? What happened fifteen years ago? Did he begin to suffer from erectile dysfunction, and chose abstinence or solitary sex over the possible humiliation of impotence? Was there a trauma she hasn’t revealed? Did something make him so angry he’s withholding sex as punishment? Does he suffer from depression?

Is he on medication that is lowering his libido? There are many reasons why a man might stop being sexual with his partner, and often several of them overlap. She mentions that she is “terrified” of leaving the marriage, for economic as well as emotional reasons, and that is understandable.

“What kind of person have I become if I am willing to live
without sex? Don’t I deserve more?”

If food is scarce, it becomes important all the time; if readily available, it is just another part of life, and hopefully a delicious one.

4

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

When the sexual side of marriage is functioning well, it becomes a delectable but small portion of the total relationship. This 3 percent the therapist mentioned is only a tiny piece of your time, but just as small percentages of vitamins and minerals are necessary for a healthy diet, small portions of time together devoted to intimacy, tenderness, and passion are essential for a healthy marriage.

MAYBE IT’S COUNTERINTUITIVE, BUT IT’S

OFTEN THE MAN’S DECISION

Living in a sexless marriage leaves you feeling isolated and lonely, especially when he’s lying right there beside you every night. (Female, 42)

When we explained our project to a couple of our male friends, they were incredulous, which was interesting considering their professions.

“Is that
really
a problem?” asked the gynecologist. Yes, we replied. It surely is. “Isn’t it usually the
woman
who doesn’t want to have sex?” the sociologist inquired. Absolutely not, we responded. Voluntary celibacy after you’re married can be an equal gender opportunity.

It is now estimated that more than 20 million marriages in the United States are without physical passion. In other words, 15 to 20

percent of American couples have sex fewer than ten times per year. According to the United States Health and Social Life Survey (USHSL) of 1999, lack of desire is recognized as the most common sexual problem in America, affecting approximately 20 percent of the adult male, and 33 percent of the adult female population. However, since men are less likely to self-identify as being nonsexual, it is possible that the real number is even higher. Clinical psychologist David Schnarch, who runs the Family Health Center in Evergreen, Colo-rado, and has worked with couples and intimacy issues for over twenty years, states: “My clinical experience suggests more men struggle with introduc

5

tion

low sexual desire than the study [USHSL, 1999] found. I’d guess sexual disinterest occurs equally frequently between men and women.”

Clinical psychologists Cathryn G. Pridal and Joseph LoPiccolo would agree. They believe that sociocultural shifts over the past two decades have resulted in women having a higher success rate in convincing their low-desire mates to seek help, and this is likely why no-sex marriages appear to be on the rise. In the 1990s, they wrote:

“We recently studied our clinic’s files and found that of all our low sexual desire cases, more than 70 percent of those seen in the 1970s were female, whereas of those seen thus far in the 1990s, the sex ratio was equally split between low drive males and low drive females.

So although the total number of low desire cases is up, a good bit of this rise comes from the increase in male cases.”

It is unusual for any two people to remain in complete sexual har-mony after the initial phase of great and constant passion winds down. Most couples drift apart in their level of desire. They individualize a lot of other things, too, like the perfect time for dinner, what movie to see next, and how many televised sports events or antique stores are one too many. If the relationship is functioning well, they will compromise and reach satisfactory resolutions.

But we were curious about something other than how a low-libido and high-libido couple can find happiness; we wanted to know about men who were operating as if they had no libido at all. We wanted to research the underreported fact than many men are choosing to have little or no sex with their spouses, and try to understand why so many husbands are shutting down in this way. We also wanted to know how their wives were reacting and feeling and what they could do about it.

Human sexuality is a complex, delicate, and fragile thing. It can get derailed for as many reasons as there are sexually active people, and its absence can seriously damage and even end a relationship that might otherwise not only survive, but soar. For those who have been fortunate enough to find a partner whom they want to live with 6

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

forever, a marriage suddenly devoid of intimacy can be puzzling, enraging, painful, and lonely.

Due to the lack of sex, intimacy has stopped on all levels. We don’t hold hands, hug, or even really talk anymore. It is so very isolating. Most of my women friends who are in sexless marriages are relieved, but I don’t feel that way at all. I miss it very much. (Female, 45)

Since men often express emotions through sex, when they shut down emotionally, they often shut down sexually as well. It isn’t possible to know why the man mentioned in the preceding quote has stopped being sexual, but it seems to have been going on for so long that he has detached himself on all levels. He no longer communicates about anything except trivia. As difficult as this is for his wife, it may be even more isolating for him. In our culture, men are often reluctant to reveal a lack of sexual desire, even to their closest friends.

It equates with powerlessness and failure. Women, however, often do speak of such things, as the woman in the preceding quote is doing.

It is interesting that she says most of her friends in sexless marriages are relieved, and they have no problem admitting neither they nor their husbands are sexually active.

Thank you for doing this research. Just knowing there are other women who are going through what I have been going through for over thirty years is, in a strange way, comforting.

(Female, 50s)

However, other women, like the one just quoted, are diffident about discussing intimate issues. They may fear embarrassment or want to avoid psychologically threatening conversation. They may consider it a betrayal of their partner, or just too personal to share with even their closest friends.