He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (29 page)
Read He's Just Not Up for It Anymore Online
Authors: Bob Berkowitz; Susan Yager-Berkowitz
Tags: #Self-Help, #Sexual Abstinence, #Sex, #General, #Sexual Instruction, #Sexuality, #Sexual Disorders, #Men, #Human Sexuality, #Psychology, #Interpersonal Relations, #Sexual Behavior, #&NEW, #Sexual Excitement, #Men - Sexual behavior, #Family & Relationships, #Health & Fitness, #Married people, #couples, #Intimacy (Psychology), #Family relationships
and medication, 132
multiple partners, 61, 99–100
size of, 36
performance anxiety, 137
NDRIs (norepinephrine dopamine
platonic relationships, 63, 181, 182
reuptake inhibitors), 122
politeness, 109
negativity, 118, 130
polyamorous marriage, 61, 99–100
neurotransmitters, 120–24
polygamy, 61
Niebuhr, Reinhold, 202
pornography:
Night and Day
(film), 178
addiction to, 41, 113, 149–50, 153–56
norepinephrine, 120, 122, 124
avoiding intimacy via, 157–59
as emotional buffer, 159–60
obesity, 23, 128
online, 15, 25–26, 40–42, 146–60
causes of, 164–69
as supplemental sex, 151–52
and impotence, 164
variety in, 150–53
numbers of cases, 162
women trying to compete with,
and rejection, 165, 166
147–50
index
243
Porter, Cole, 124, 178
romantic love, 17–18, 124
position, 96–97
Rosen, Raymond, 154
possessiveness, 108
predictability, 17
Schnarch, David, 4–5, 18–19, 184
pregnancy, 74–80
Search, Ken, 149, 154
and fatherhood, 74–75
self-confidence, 132–33, 140
unwanted, 72
self-righteousness, 114, 199
premature ejaculation (PE), 140–42
separateness, 19
Pridal, Cathryn G., 5
serotonin, 120, 121, 124, 165
Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy
sex:
(Leiblum and Rosen), 154
as afterthought, 180
procreation, 11, 61
as bond, 212
prostitutes, 82, 83, 91, 147–48
broadening definition of, 213
as commodity, 113
rage,
see
anger
dislike of, 81, 180–83
rape, 83, 155–56
emotions expressed via, 6
rapid ejaculation, 140–42
expectation of, 12
red lipstick, 91
fantasy of, 16
Reinisch, June, 111, 150–51, 168–69,
and fidelity, 205–6
170, 173
frequency of, 11–12, 13, 184, 187–88,
rejection:
203
and boredom, 17
illicit, 54
and criticism, 2
initiating, 94–96
of men, 165
and intimacy, 181
and obesity, 165, 166
as a job, 54, 71
as self-fulfilling prophecy, 87, 95, 166
oral, 84, 90–92, 98, 153, 213
and self-worth, 22
positions in, 96–97
relationships:
procreation as goal of, 11, 61
conflict-free, 103
as recreational, 113
perfect, 191
as sacrifice, 86
platonic, 63, 181, 182
solitary, 40
stable marriages, 18, 19–20, 60
supplemental, 151–52
“swinging,” 99–100
“third,” 166
religious beliefs, 87
virtual, 25–26
Renik, Owen, 209
as weapon, 117
resentment, unexpressed, 109
withholding, as punishment, 104,
responsibility:
113–16
overwhelming, 28
Sex and the City
(TV), 184
shifting blame and, 15, 29, 30, 35,
sexless marriages:
58–59, 95, 107, 172
after the first year, 68–72
retarded ejaculation, 143
before the wedding, 57–64
revascularization, 134
as defense mechanism, 18
Robinson, William, 83–84
defined, 13
244
index
sexless marriages (
continued
)
behavioral, 142
early on, 49–50, 53–57, 64–68
choosing, 2, 196–97, 208
effects of, 13
helpfulness of, 208–9
emotional distance maintained in,
honesty in, 207
40
integrative approach to, 208
men’s decisions in, 4–8
Principles and Practice,
154
numbers of, 4–5, 12–13
refusal of, 112
reasons for, 3, 7, 13–15, 16, 72–73
Tiefer, Lenore, 126
sex toys, 89, 98
tiredness, 28–29
sexuality:
trauma:
bell curve of, 190–91
consequences of, 155
complexity of, 5–6
and depression, 120
conventional wisdom on, 183
of rape, 83, 155–56
gender differences in, 183
and identity, 22, 37, 45
unemployment, 89
levels of, 182, 184, 185
suppression of, 81–82
vaginal dryness, 89
shame, 128–29
validation, 22, 31
Silk Stockings
(Porter), 124
variety, 150–53
Slowinski, Julian, 152, 154, 157, 162, 173
vasopressin, 18, 124
SSNRIs (selective serotonin
Viagra, 126, 129, 131–34
norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors), vibrators, 83, 89, 128
122
vulnerability, 18, 20
SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake
inhibitors), 24, 121–23, 144
Weeks, Gerald, 103, 109, 153, 168, 177
status symbols, 46, 56
weight, 161–74
stepfatherhood, 76–77
battle for control over, 171–72
Stopes, Marie, 82–83
and body mass index, 163
street drugs, 58
and comfort food, 165, 166–67
stress, and depression, 24, 120
gain
Stuart, Richard B., 167–68, 169
by men, 164
survey, 217–23
by women, 27–28, 47, 70, 167–69
demographics of, 218–19
numbing the pain through,
men’s responses in, 14, 97–100
167–68
methodology used for, 7–8, 217
self-fulfilling prophecy in, 166
questions for men, 219–21
healthy, 163
questions for women, 221–23
ideal, 163–64
validity of, 14–15
loss of, 169–70, 173–74
women’s responses in, 34, 97–100
as sensitive issue, 164
swinging, 99–100
see also
obesity
Wilde, Oscar, 16, 199
testosterone, 188–90
Wolfe, Tom, 130
therapy, 206–9
Hooking Up,
149
index
245
women:
psychiatric help sought by, 196–97
affairs of, 203–4, 205
relief from sexual pressures, 50, 73, 98
on birth control pills, 69–70
saying no, 214–16
choices available to, 203–9
self-esteem of, 46, 47–48
fake orgasms of, 72
sex as repellent to, 81
and feminist movement, 83–85
sexual disinterest of, 183, 184
frigid, 130
sexual liberation of, 85
and husband’s ED, 69–72
sexually aggressive, 95–96
insecurities of, 136, 164
sexual suppression in, 81–82
in madonna/whore syndrome,
survey questions for, 221–23
54–55
survey responses of, 34, 97–100
in menopause, 135
vaginal dryness in, 89
as mother figures, 67
weight gain by, 27–28, 47, 70,
and motherhood, 77–80
167–69
nonorgasmic, 130
workaholics, 102, 138
opinions of, 33–37
prostitutes, 82, 83, 91, 147–48
Zilbergeld, Bernie, 13
Dr. BoB Berkowitz
is the author of the bestselling What Men Won’t Tell You but Women Need to
Know. A veteran reporter, he has been the men’s correspondent on NBC’s Today show and the host of Real Personal on CNBC. He has a Ph.D. in clinical sexology.
SuSan Yager-Berkowitz
is a longtime magazine writer, specializing in nutrition. Together Bob and Susan are the “Marriage Experts” on ThirdAge.com.
They live on the east end of Long Island and in New York City.
www.BobandSusanBerkowitz.com
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author
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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE. Copyright © 2008 by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz.
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Document Outline
- Title Page
- Dedication Page
- Contents
- Introduction
- Part One: The Sexiless Husband
- Chapter One: Why Man Stop Having Sex
- Chapter Two: Why Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex
- Chapter One: Why Man Stop Having Sex
- Part Two: Inside the Sexless Man�s Mind
- Chapter Three: Not Tonight, Dear, We're Married
- Chapter Four: Pregnancy And The End of Passion
- Chapter Five: Predictable, Boring, Unadventurous Sex
- Chapter Six: Anger Mismanagement
- Chapter Seven: Depression: The Ultimate Passion Killer
- Chapter Eight: Erectile Dysfunction: The Silent
- Chapter Nine: Caught in the Net
- Chapter Ten: No Sex Please, We�re Eating
- Chapter Eleven: Maybe He�s Gay? Asexual?
- Chapter Three: Not Tonight, Dear, We're Married
- Part Three: what couples are doing about it
- Chapter Twelve: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- Chapter Thirteen: What Woman Are Doing About It
- Chapter Fourteen: And In the End�
- Chapter Twelve: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
- Appendix
- Notes
- Ackowledgments
- Index
- About the Author
- Credits
- Copyright Notice
- About the Publisher
- Introduction
Table of Contents
PART II: inside the sexless man’s mind
three Not Tonight, Dear, We’re Married
seven Depression: The Ultimate Passion Killer
eight Erectile Dysfunction: The Silent
eleven Maybe He’s Gay? Asexual?
PART III: what couples are doing about it
twelve Should I Stay or Should I Go?
