He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (6 page)

I just can’t compete with the bodies of the airbrushed women in the magazines. (Female, 44; husband, 45; married fifteen years)

I have always felt insulted and demeaned by porn. He’s in love with his “girls under the bed” (that’s what I call his magazines) and I can’t compete. (Female, 59; husband, 55; married twenty-five years)

A 57-year-old woman married to her 58-year-old husband for thirty-four years writes that her husband masturbates online and offline, with videos, magazines, and DVDs. Pornography has always been an issue, she says, and it makes her “seethe,” especially since a lot of it is “hard-core and revolting.” She believes it has “desensitized him” and made him incapable of enjoying or even wanting to make love to her.

Clearly, if a man is masturbating on a regular basis, he likely has little or no desire or ability to also have partnered sex. His neglected spouse perceives him as selfish and lazy—unwilling to make an effort to please anyone but himself. However, there are often other things that are stopping him as well.

I Believe He Suffers from ED . . .

. . . but he will not even ask his doctor about any possible help, and I have virtually begged him to do this. I am at a loss as to how this can be remedied, because he is a good man and I love why women think their husbands stop having sex 43

him, but two and a half years without sex is two and a half years too long. (Female, 50, married three years) The woman in the preceding quote has described a man so embarrassed by impotence that he would rather sacrifice a sexual relationship with his wife than admit ED to his physician. He is not alone.

The following respondent describes a similar situation: Men seem to need to protect their ego in this area, but in doing so, they risk making their wives feel unloved and angry. It is such a shame that men will literally let their marriage fall into ruin just to protect their own feelings. They need to know that women, as nurturers, will understand anything except callous indifference to their love. To women, relationships are EVERYTHING! And there is no relationship that cannot be helped with open communication and compassion. (Female, 50s) Few things, if any, can stop a guy from being sexual as surely as his inability to get an erection. This can be an exasperating conun-drum for his wife, because why wouldn’t he simply take a pill and get back to being “normal”? Is it that he prefers it this way? Isn’t it really her age, looks, weight, wardrobe, job, or life?

Impotence can be the ultimate deal breaker in a
relationship if a man is convinced that marital happiness
(or his own) depends on his ability to get an erection.

Thirty-nine percent of the female respondents believe that their spouses suffer from erectile dysfunction, and of that group, 69 percent said no, their husbands did not seek any medical help. Men with this issue frequently shut down completely, refusing to discuss it 44

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

with their physician, choosing solitary over partnered sex (no erection necessary), or no sex at all. Some fight just to avoid closeness, or become depressed, or pretend to be too tired. And some just flat out refuse, like the 52-year-old woman who told us that her 57-year-old husband pushed her hand away when she tried to touch him, whis-pering: “It doesn’t work.”

A woman in her 30s found something that did work, although we’re not necessarily recommending it. After asking her husband to seek medical help for more than five years, she finally told him she was unhappy enough to be considering a trial separation. She said he finally went to the doctor, although she added, “I really think ED was a good excuse to stop having sex.” She may be right, or her spouse may have been so embarrassed about his problem he preferred to pretend it didn’t exist, until he realized the high price he might have to pay for his denial.

The following 54-year-old woman has been dating her 51-year-old boyfriend for four years. This is the second time around for them both—with each other—they were previously married for twelve years. She says:

One of the reasons we divorced was because of my dissatisfaction with our sex life. He says he is not gay, not having an affair, and I don’t think he looks at porn. He has always been shy and somewhat repressed sexually. I think our situation is somewhat more complicated than most.

While answering the survey, she realizes:

It has just occurred to me that he stopped trying to make love to me after I asked him if he would talk to our doctor about getting medication for ED. I also bought him some L-Arginine why women think their husbands stop having sex 45

because I read that it helps. He has not talked to the doctor and he has stopped approaching me completely.

She is correct that this is a complicated situation. Her current boyfriend/former husband may love her but have a combination of problems preventing him from physically expressing his love. (Based on her information, this may include low libido, fear of intimacy, depression, undisclosed trauma, and, clearly, erectile dysfunction.) Or he just may not want to be alone and is afraid of starting over. He surely wants to avoid revealing his issues to somebody new; he won’t even talk to a doctor. We question what is keeping our female respondent in this dysfunctional relationship. It may be love, but she may also be afraid of being alone or beginning a new relationship, comfortable only when she considers herself victimized, or simply as sexually avoidant as her partner. After all, this time around she was fully aware of his low level of desire.

Impotence can be the ultimate deal breaker in a relationship if a man is convinced that marital happiness (or his own) depends on his ability to get an erection. The following 53-year-old woman has been in a serious relationship with her 50-year-old boyfriend for two years, but says it may end soon. He is impotent and will not get medical help for it. She poignantly explains:

He cannot make a commitment because he feels less than a man due to his sexual problem. I feel that men allow sexual problems to ruin a lot of really good relationships. Men do not have a clue about women and what they truly want. I want the companionship, and if the sex comes normally, that’s great; but if it doesn’t, then we can satisfy our needs in other ways. Men think that if intercourse is not achievable that it is just no good for the lady. I just want him for the great guy he is and all that he does for me otherwise.

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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

He No Longer Finds Me Attractive

It’s very hard for me to believe that men find me attractive, even though the mirror tells me differently. Being repeatedly turned down has been very hard on my self-esteem. It is hard not to see myself in his eyes. (Female, 37)

If many men base their self-worth on their bank account and their potency, many women base it on their looks and dress size. They have every reason to do so. We live in a culture that worships money, beauty, fame, and youth. A rich husband, a pretty wife—these are ultimate status symbols. What makes this so difficult, for almost everyone, is that extraordinary beauty, immense wealth, and superstar fame are extremely rare. The one prize we all have at one time is youth, but it’s gone almost before we realize its value, and all the Botox and surgery in the world can do no more than pretend it’s not. Times are changing, of course. Today, more women are in graduate school than men, and these executives, entrepreneurs, lawyers, and doctors of the future may feel differently about the male wealth/female beauty equa-tion. But, for now, most women want to be young, attractive, and slim, or, like this 56-year-old female, long for their husbands to develop a pragmatic appreciation of what they’ve got: “I wish our society educated men to accept the aging of their women and how to cherish growing old together and not idolize youth. We were young and enjoyed it. Now we can enjoy aging.”

One female respondent, 44, clearly illustrated how important self-perceived body image can be when she described this traumatic incident in her marriage. One afternoon she walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with another woman. To compound this terrible situation, her children, and the other woman’s children, were in the family room downstairs while all this was going on. What did this traumatized wife do next? She checked out how her body why women think their husbands stop having sex 47

compared with the competition: “She was the same weight as me, so I know that wasn’t the reason this happened.”

Forty percent of the women in our survey felt that they were no longer attractive to their husbands; 28 percent believed the reason was excess weight. (However, only 10 percent thought that losing weight would restore their husband’s libido.) A 30-year-old wife explained away her 35-year-old husband’s lack of sexual desire for her by saying, simply: “I gained weight. I don’t look the way I used to look; therefore, he is not attracted to me.” They’ve been married for only two years.

He said he had to picture other women in his mind to climax.

I think it is because I started to age. I can’t not age. I think he would desire me if I had a firm, young, sexy body. It is like it turns him off to have to touch me or even look at me. (Female, 54) The 59-year-old husband of the woman in the preceding quote has resorted to cruel and sadistic remarks in order to prevent being sexually or emotionally close with the woman he has been married to for thirty-three years. Although it is not possible to determine why he no longer desires her, or what is causing his anger, it seems clear that he is blaming his wife for his difficulty achieving orgasm or maintaining an erection. His body, of course, is five years older than hers, which might be distressing him more than he cares to admit, even to himself.

The 44-year-old woman quoted next is now divorced from her 38-year-old husband, who had an affair. She thinks the sex stopped, and maybe even the affair started, because “I gained weight, which he finds unattractive.” She says that if she could do things differently, she would: “pay attention to who I married. If he is going to be turned off by a twenty-pound weight gain, he’s very shallow. I thought there was more to what we had.”

The following woman (35) is aware that her husband (38) has severe intimacy problems—and had them with his previous partners, too—

and yet she blames herself for his inappropriate behavior when she says: 48

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

“I can’t help but believe I am physically unattractive. Why else would he want to chat with other women online and have phone sex with them?”

It is difficult for many women to comprehend
that their partners think they are desirable, but
still choose not to be intimate.

The woman correctly identifies her husband’s fear of intimacy.

That’s why he’s so comfortable chatting online and having phone sex with anonymous, emotionally disposable partners, but not making love to his wife. And yet, she still blames her appearance for his infidelities. It is difficult for many women to comprehend that their partners think they are desirable, but still choose not to be intimate. This man may have such a strong fear of abandonment that he thinks anonymous relationships and masturbatory fantasies are his best option, or a buffer zone against the unimaginable pain of his wife leaving him. Sadly, without help, he may lose her.

And a woman in her 20s, married to a man in his 40s, says that she gained “what he considers to be a lot of weight,” and that’s why he stopped making love to her, although “he has lost all his hair, and has gained fifty-plus pounds.” She adds: “I’m the undesirable one?”

He’s Having an Affair

Fidelity is ingrained into most women’s thinking when it comes to marriage. It goes with the territory, therefore, that when a man stops being sexual with his wife, “he must be cheating” often is the first thing that comes to mind. Sometimes the affair isn’t imaginary, there is proof. However, as we mentioned previously, the infidelity rate of men in sexless marriages is about the national average of men in all marriages, around 20 percent. Thus, fidelity does not indicate a pas-why women think their husbands stop having sex 49

sionate marriage, and infidelity is not, in any way, a guaranteed result of a sexless one. Most men (and most women) don’t stray.

You don’t need us to tell you that infidelity is something you want to avoid, and even if only one in five men said they’re unfaithful, that may be great for the other four women, but not for you if you suspect, or know for certain, your guy is the fifth.

The infidelity rate of men in sexless marriages is about the
national average of men in all marriages, around 20 percent.

There are few things more painful than betrayal by someone you love, and it is worth trying to prevent in any way you possibly can. If your marriage is devoid of intimacy, it is imperative that you talk about it, and listen hard to each other. If you are certain of infidelity, we urge you to talk to each other, listen to each other, and, if you feel you need professional help, get it immediately. It really is possible to emerge a stronger, better couple once all the reasons for the infidelity are revealed. This isn’t just sententious psychobabble; it really is possible to become stronger as a couple, but not without a lot of honesty, love, and work.

He Never Wanted Sex

Twenty-eight percent of the women who responded to our survey reported that intimacy ended prior to or in the first year of marriage, and 19 percent suggested that although sex may have occurred on occasion, it was never a priority for their partners, agreeing that “he wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.” Some believed things would get better with time. Others were so much in love, or so anxious to marry, that they ignored what was clearly evident. As one 53-year-old woman said: 50

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

Within the first month he started avoiding sex and me. Generally sex happened every two or three months. This was the norm for sixteen years. Five years ago, after nine months of abstinence, I approached him and he pushed me away and told me to leave him alone. I am hurt. I have not had sex with him or anyone else in five years.