He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (7 page)

Other women who were aware of their partners’ lack of interest in sex from the start made the mistake of thinking that marriage, somehow, would transform their men into passionate lovers. A 37-year-old told us that she thought “all he needed was some normalcy and structure.” A 32-year-old said: “There was very little sex even during our courtship, but I was young and naïve enough to believe marriage and a good home would improve the situation. Needless to say, it only became worse.”

For some women, there is some comfort in learning that their husband has a low libido; as reasons go, it can be less painful than, say, infidelity. A 40-year-old woman responded to a survey question by writing:

He always had a reason, even in the beginning. [He would say]

“I’m having a hard time at work, I’m stressed and I’m tired.” It was never the right time. Nor was it ever spontaneous, where we could steal away in the bedroom for five minutes.

In a follow-up interview, she mentioned that she and her husband went into counseling, separately and together, during the last three years of their marriage. (They are now divorced.) Privately, she asked if the therapist believed her husband was gay or having an affair. The therapist told her she thought her husband was asexual, just not that interested in lovemaking. That came as a sense of relief. As she stated:

“. . . it wasn’t about me.” The relief was, naturally, bittersweet: “At the same time, there was nothing I could do about it.”

PART II

inside the sexless

man’s mind

three

NOT TONIGHT, DEAR,

WE’RE MARRIED

Here’s something that surprised us a lot. Twenty-eight percent of the women said that their partners stopped being sexual with them almost at once, that the intimacy ended either before the marriage (10%), on the honeymoon (3%), or during the first year (15%).

The men’s numbers weren’t nearly as high. Only 9 percent of male respondents said they stopped being sexual during, or before, the first year of marriage. Some marriages seem to be destined for celibacy.

But here’s something else that surprised us: more than 70 percent of these marriages remained intact.

Why is it that many men no longer see their spouses as
desirable so soon after commitment?

Often women in this situation told us that sex was frequent and impassioned at first, but then mysteriously, and abruptly, ended. The following 43-year-old woman told us her 51-year-old spouse stopped being sexual in the first year of marriage. They’ve been married for three years.

54

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

It’s odd . . . before we married and during the start of the first year of marriage, my husband would initiate sex, tell me how beautiful I was, participate in oral sex and try many different positions and even places. Now he doesn’t like sex and refuses to participate in oral at all. I’ve tried to talk to him in a noncon-frontational way. He just says that he’s tired and his blood pressure medication has affected his sex drive.

A 30-year-old woman who cohabited with her partner for twelve years before they got married states:

The minute I became his wife I feel he stopped seeing me as a sexual being. He told me wives do not dress in sexy underwear, etc. I am only thirty years old and feel a part of me has died. I believe in the marriage vows, but within a year of marriage I was thinking about divorce, due to the stress of my husband not wanting me.

Sometimes a man changes his sexual behavior as soon as he marries, because the woman is no longer a girlfriend, or someone to share what he secretly, even subconsciously, considers to be illicit sex. Now she’s a wife, and sex is suddenly both sanctioned and a job. It’s just not exciting anymore. As one 42-year-old woman put it: “Girlfriends are okay to have sex with, but if that girlfriend becomes your wife, suddenly you are sullying her by making love.”

The madonna/whore syndrome refers to men who see women as either hotties or homemakers, but never both. A woman is either re-spectable and “good,” or sexy and “bad.” A man who relates to women this way may end intimacy as soon as his girlfriend and he decide to get married. Passionate sex, although appropriate for a casual relationship, is impossible in a committed one. The couple discussed in the following quote didn’t have sex when they were married, but did not

tonight, dear, we’re married

55

after they divorced, lived in different towns, and resumed a dating relationship.

He was very sexually active prior to marriage, but a few weeks before the wedding he started to lose interest. We didn’t consummate our marriage until six months later. Then it was about three to six times per year, until the sixth year when sex stopped completely until, after ten years of marriage, we divorced. After the divorce he moved to another town, but we would have sex every weekend when he visited. He is now remarried. (Female, 58)

The next quote is from a 53-year-old woman who has been married to her 54-year-old husband for twenty-seven years, but has been separated for the past three:

We are currently separated with the main reason being lack of interest in sex and passion on his part. As soon as we married, the relationship went from being all about sex to him being infrequently interested, at least with me. The only time he showed his former interest was when I said I was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. I am very glad you’re researching this issue. I always felt alone in this. Most of my friends complained of husbands wanting sex all the time!

It is likely that this woman’s husband had such a strong fear of intimacy that he felt the marriage would consume him unless he protected himself. He was fine until the wedding day, when, like a little boy who holds his breath to defy his parents, he withheld sex as a way to establish his freedom. He felt that this would protect him from pain if his wife ever left him. When the worst happened, and she said she was in love with another man and wanted a divorce, his libido re-56

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

turned. She was no longer his wife, but a woman to be wooed and won all over again. Hormones kicked in, keeping him frequently aroused in order to recapture her affection and make her his wife once more.

Crisis sometimes allows people to do some sexual time travel, and return, albeit briefly, to when they first met and fell in love. That’s what happened here. We think, however, that the passion would have stopped if she decided to abandon her new lover and remain married.

As inexplicably as the excitement returned, it would have deserted him once more.

Some men may have perfectly normal libidos, but
psychological issues prevent them from having
a close intimate relationship.

WHY ELSE WOULD THE PASSION

END SO SOON?

In other chapters we will discuss the possibility of an asexual or homosexual man marrying because he wants love, companionship, social status, acceptance, and family, but not sex. These men, as well as men who have lower than average libidos, would tend to have little or no sex very shortly after marriage, or even before. Women would probably notice that these guys may be wonderful in other ways, but are just not very passionate.

Other men may have perfectly normal libidos, but psychological issues prevent them from having a close intimate relationship. If “abandoned” by one or both parents as a child due to death, mental or physical illness, or divorce, or if truly neglected by desertion, the fear of being rejected in this way again may prevent a man from ever allowing real intimacy. It is a terrible conflict: he loves his wife so much he can’t not

tonight, dear, we’re married

57

possibly risk losing her, so he protects himself by avoiding the most committed thing he can do—having a fulfilling sexual relationship.

Almost 50 percent of the women said that their partners were angry and 52 percent said they were depressed. This was often in combination with physiological factors. Erectile dysfunction and difficulty reaching orgasm were mentioned numerous times by both men and women who say that sexual relations ended before, or right after, the wedding vows. Other men were on medication that lowered their libidos, and, in rare cases, had medical reasons why sex was not feasible.

It is possible that men severely suffering from these psychological and physiological issues, especially if in combination with loss of libido, are more likely to stop being sexual with their wives as soon as they feel confident they can do so and still hold on to the relationship.

Depending on the couple, this can be right after moving in together, or soon after the wedding day.

We had a difficult time finding any literature or studies focusing on marriages that are sexually inactive from the start, but our respondents gave us many valuable insights. We have divided this rapid decline or complete absence of intimacy into three parts—during the engagement (other than those who for religious or moral reasons wait until marriage to consummate a relationship), on the honeymoon, and during the first year. We’ll listen to the men first.

It Ended Before the Wedding Day

Men Explain Why

Of the few male respondents who reported stopping all sexual contact with their wives prior to the wedding, the majority mentioned erectile dysfunction and/or inability to reach orgasm. Perhaps to diffuse some of the responsibility, they also say that their partners are “not sexually adventurous” (something we will explore in chapter 5). In these cases, how would they know? Their ages range from 45 to 61.

58

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

The following quote is from a 48-year-old man who has been married for eighteen years. In addition to his problem of inhibited ejaculation (inability to attain orgasm), he says he is angry at his wife because she is controlling. He also mentions that she is not his “physical type.” He watches pornography online and on videos, and he has had an affair.

I suffer from inhibited ejaculation when in a committed relationship. I was happy when I was single because as soon as the sexual dysfunction started I would simply move on to a new person. This would usually happen after two or three encounters. I can’t do that in my marriage. I am very sad that I am unable to have sex with my wife because I do care for her. I really thought sex therapy would help, but I have visited many therapists and they haven’t been able to resolve the problem.

Although men sometimes experience inhibited ejaculation (15% of the men who responded to our survey said they did), this is usually a side effect of medication or street drugs such as cocaine and heroin.

However, this man writes that the problem
only
occurs when he’s in a committed relationship. When single, as long as he was in a noncom-mitted relationship, he was able to climax. He appears to want the security and love of an emotionally intimate relationship, since he has

“visited many therapists” without success. He is also so scared of intimacy, he is making sure that his marriage has as little as possible.

Clearly, he is withholding something he considers to be precious. Perhaps he truly hasn’t found a therapist able to help him, or he just finds a new one at the first sign of unpleasant issues revealed. However, for some additional reasons not to be intimate, he still manages to blame his wife for being controlling, and even for not being his physical type.

Another man, 61, has been married to his 52-year-old spouse for one year. He incongruously shifts all responsibility for not being inti-not

tonight, dear, we’re married

59

mate by saying that she is not sexually adventurous and doesn’t enjoy lovemaking: “Sex is unimportant to her, but very important to me. She has little or no libido.” He also suffers from inhibited ejaculation.

A 45-year-old man told us his 43-year-old wife of eighteen years was lacking in sexual adventure, and that he watches a considerable amount of pornography. He also said: “I am not turned on by my wife and suffer severe orgasmic difficulties and mild erectile dysfunction that makes sex unpleasant and stressful.” What does he expect the future to be like? “We will remain sexless until one of us dies.”

Although women’s difficulty attaining orgasm seems to be a ubiquitous topic, male-inhibited orgasm is not written about a lot. And yet, 27 percent of the women thought it was a reason their husbands stopped being sexual with them.

Another 54-year-old man, married for thirty-four years to his 54-year-old wife, said that the problem was due to a lack of desire on his part: “I lost my libido and I’m not sure why. I do take blood pressure medication.” But he also mentions that his wife is not sexually adventurous.

Women Tell What They Think Happened

We mostly stopped having sex before we were married. His belief is that sex is a good way to get to know someone, but useless after that. (Female, 50s)

Of the numerous women who said that sex either stopped or dramatically declined prior to marriage (but they decided to wed, anyway), more than half reported that their husbands were angry and depressed, and many said that their spouses suffered from ED.

Some got married because they believed things would improve; others said that sex wasn’t too important—companionship was their main priority. One woman, 28, put it this way: 60

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

I don’t think we have a bad marriage; sex is not the only thing.

It would be better if we had it more, but I’m still happy.

This woman is trying hard to adjust and accept. She’s young, and so is her spouse, who is 30. She says he neither is taking medication that lowers his libido nor is depressed, and she doesn’t suspect infidelity. She has no explanation except that her husband doesn’t care very much about sex. She may be right.

We admire this woman’s maturity. She was probably aware that her sexual needs were a bit, but not too much, stronger than his from the start. She married him anyway, and is focusing on the good in the relationship and the man, rather than trying to turn him into something he’s not.