Girl (24 page)

Then this cool hippie guy came in and he looked like a male model and he was with someone and it was Carla. I grabbed Cybil and we ran over to Carla and gave her hugs and jumped around and told her about the show with Mirage and Color Green and Sins of Our Fathers. And everyone was looking at us so we went in the bathroom and did makeup and Carla told us all the big news from Seattle. And it was big. Todd had almost got married to Tori but then Tori had an affair with a lesbian named Katrina and Todd got in a fight with Katrina and she tried to have him arrested except she had a warrant on herself from parking tickets and when the cops came she had to hide in her garage. And then Carla said how Color Green was getting so huge and getting on the radio all around the country. They had a new manager in L.A. and they were suing Buzz Mitchell and they had this punk rock lawyer who used to work for Hulk Hogan. And finally I said, “But how is Todd?” Carla said he was okay but he always seemed tired when she talked to him. And everyone said how tiring it must be to be a big rock star. And all the time we were sneaking looks at Carla's date, who was sitting in the bathtub smoking cigarettes like he was in a fashion ad.

Back outside the party was getting crowded. People were in the kitchen and squished in the hallways and Mirage was playing in the living room and people were dancing. And everyone stared at Carla and her beautiful boyfriend, and me and Cybil were sort of following them around and we all sat on a couch in the living room and watched people dance. And then Carla's date handed her a pill and Carla asked us if we wanted to do Ecstasy with them. We said no thanks and watched them swallow the capsules. And then Cybil asked
her about Ecstasy and what did it do and Carla said it was like drinking lots of coffee and being drunk at the same time and it was great for dancing.

But then it was really awkward because we tried to act casual but we kept looking at Carla and her boyfriend to see what was happening to them. So then Cybil and I went in the kitchen and Eric tried to talk to us and Cybil wouldn't even look at him. We moved over to the drinks table and Cybil said maybe we should take Ecstasy and I was totally against it but she said she couldn't deal with Eric and she was going to. I said, “I guess I'll just go home then.” Cybil took a big drink of vodka and said don't be like that. But there was no way. If she took Ecstasy I was gone. And she said it wasn't that big of a deal and Matthew had done it and it might be fun. I said, “If it's so fun why are you doing it now when you're depressed and hating Eric and getting drunk on vodka?” But that just made her mad and she walked away and went back to the living room. I watched her go. And the minute she was gone all these guys started talking to me and somebody handed me a drink and I put it down and walked through the hallway and out the front door. I got in my car and slammed the door. I got out my keys. But then I just sat there. I sat there for an hour. And then I went back inside and into the living room and Cybil and Carla and Matthew were dancing and laughing and I knew they were all on Ecstasy. So I went to the couch but Cybil saw me and pulled me into the dancing. So I danced and they were all acting weird and Matthew tripped and almost fell and everyone was cracking up. And I started to worry because what if Todd came to Portland and everyone was getting into drugs except me? And then Cybil sat on the couch and I sat with her and I asked her what it was like and when she looked at me it was so weird because it wasn't her. It was like there was a different person inside her face.
And her voice sounded really high and strained and she said it was really fun. But it didn't look fun. It looked terrible. And then she said she didn't mind that I didn't want to do it and she understood and she still loved me. And then she asked if she could put her head on my lap and before I could answer she did it and it was so embarrassing except I was the only one who was embarrassed. And then I hated myself for being so uptight and I took a big gulp of her vodka and stroked her hair and watched everyone dance. And then some other people sat down on the couch and they must have been on Ecstasy too because they had that same zombie look on their faces. So I took another huge gulp of the vodka and that helped me relax and Cybil's hair felt really warm and soft and I petted it and remembered when it was stubble. And just when I was getting in a better mood I felt this wet spot on my leg and I realized Cybil was crying her eyes out.

I tried not to panic. I had heard that people got mushy on Ecstasy. And when Matthew walked by the couch I tried to wave him over but he was so high he didn't understand. And then I whispered to Cybil if she was okay but she was just sobbing. And then I asked her if she wanted to leave and she nodded yes and I sat her up. She looked so scary. She had black eye mascara smeared down her cheeks and her lipstick was all smudged. And I got our coats and helped her with hers and she seemed okay but as soon as she got in the car she collapsed into tears again.

Fortunately her mom wasn't home and I got her inside and then I just wanted to leave. But I was afraid to because she was so cold so we went in her living room and sat down and she started pulling all these blankets around her even though she had her coat on and it was already warm in the house. So I stayed and then she was mumbling about her mother and
how she wanted to die before her mother and no matter what else happened please God could she just die before her mother. And I was like, “Nobody's going to
die
,” but of course everybody was and I knew it and Cybil knew it too and it made me cold just watching her shiver.

Then she wanted to go to her mother's room. I helped her carry the blankets because she was afraid to come out of them because she was freezing and her teeth were chattering. We got her to the bed and she was still cold so we piled all the blankets on top of her and even with her clothes on she was still shivering. And then she asked me to get in with her and I didn't know what to do so I took off my coat and my shoes and crawled in as best I could. And as soon as I did she scooted over to me and hugged me and with her big coat on it was like hugging a bear.

But it seemed to work. After a while she stopped shaking and she whispered to me in nonsense sentences and told me I was her best friend and she loved me and then she stroked my hair and called me her dear Andrea and she pretended we were British and shouldn't we go back to England and would I like some tea and crumpets? I was like, “I don't know, Cybil, would you please stop chewing on my ear?” And she kept saying, “Oh my dear dear Andrea,” and it was so hot I was sweating. And then she sat up and took off her coat and her shirt and kicked her shoes out of the covers. And then she started pulling on my shirt and giggling and tickling me and grabbing my bra. And she was on Ecstasy so she had an excuse but what excuse did I have?

I guess it was her smell. And the parts of her neck that I had been watching for so long. And how smooth her skin was and how some parts of her body seemed so familiar and other parts seemed so new. And it was so comfortable and I
knew exactly what she meant when she said she loved me because I loved her too. And we sort of kissed each other and touched and chewed each other's ears. And then she pressed against me and we rocked back and forth and it was all so sleepy and dreamy and like we weren't even doing it, like it was just our bodies doing it and we weren't even involved.

Then I woke up. My head hurt like a hangover and I was sweaty and hot and I looked at the clock and it was four-thirty in the morning. Cybil was fast asleep. So I slipped out of the bed as quietly as I could and dug around for my clothes. Then I walked outside to my car and the sky was so cold and black and then I really woke up. And I knew what I had done and I was panicking and trying to find my car keys and get myself home before I totally freaked out.

Back at my house my dad was asleep in front of the TV. I crept up to my room and started the shower and sat down in the tub and let the hot water pour over me. After that I got in my bed and I laid there and when I closed my eyes it was like I was falling right out of myself, right out of my body and into this other world where everything was a dream and when you woke up you were six years old again and nothing counted yet and everything was still to come.

·    ·    ·

At school on Monday
I avoided Cybil all morning. After fourth period I looked for Beth so I'd have someone to eat lunch with. When I finally found her she was with Nathan but she could see I was desperate and she invited me along. The three of us went to Arctic Circle. Nathan talked the whole time and Beth gushed over him and the one time I tried to talk they both interrupted. And it seemed like all the
Hillsider
people were snubbing me now that Amy Brubaker had faced me so bad. It was like they were getting back at me for being too cool and all I could do was sit there and take it.

And then after fifth period Cybil came to my locker. I just held my breath. And she was being really shy and she thanked me for taking her home from Eric's and said sorry for any embarrassing stuff and then she said how sick she was from the Ecstasy hangover. I put my stuff in my locker and I was avoiding eye contact but when I actually looked at her I was so relieved to see Cybil and not that zombie face. And then she said how it was so true that Ecstasy made you mushy and weird and wanting to hug everyone. And we both looked up and down the halls like this was our little secret, which obviously it would be.

But the big news of Eric's party wasn't us. It was Matthew. And Carla. Matthew had somehow got her away from her hippie model and they had gone down by K Club and spent
the whole night wandering around the warehouse buildings and the train tracks. It was Wednesday when Cybil told me and I was like, “No way!” And we were whispering a hundred miles an hour and she found out at practice because Fiona was bugging him and the way they talked about it it was like something sexual had happened. And we couldn't figure it out because wasn't Carla celibate and what would she want with Matthew? And Cybil said how Matthew was so
proud
of it and it was weird because even though Matthew was sort of slimy his attitudes toward women always seemed okay. My theory was that he wanted to follow in Todd's footsteps. But Cybil said, “Then why didn't he go after you?” I said because I was too boring and Cybil said I wasn't boring but I said I was and I didn't mind because it made it easier to have interesting friends.

On Thursday Cybil and I went to Taco Time with Matthew. And we were pissing our pants and Matthew was totally teasing us and we were like, “Are you going to call her?” “What did she say?” “Does she like you?” “What happened to her boyfriend?” And Matthew laughed at us and said, “To tell you the truth I was a little surprised how
wild
she was.” And then we were
really
pissing our pants and saying: “Like what?” “Like sex?” “Was she kinky?” “What did she do?” But he just laughed and he wouldn't tell us anything and then he went to his car to smoke pot before fifth period.

And then it was December and I was getting nervous because my letter from Wellington would come soon. And Sins of Our Fathers were playing in Eugene and Seattle so Cybil was in and out of school, leaving me to hang out with Beth, who was now asking me about the Metro Mall and thinking she'd write an article about street kids and runaways. And then Beth had a party at her house for
Hillsider
people and it was weird because her parents were there and everyone
drank sparkling cider and stood around the fireplace. Fortunately Amy Brubaker didn't come and I mostly hung out with Nathan and Beth. And it was like a real adult party and I thought this was what college would be like, very polite and civilized and everyone smiling a lot.

And then one cold day the envelope was in the mailbox. It had my name on the front and in the left-hand corner it said Wellington University and it had a little shield and some Latin words and it looked very Eastern. And everyone said if it was thin that was good and if it was fat that was bad. It seemed sort of in-between. And I said a little prayer and ripped it open and I was accepted to Wellington! I ran in the house and jumped around and I called my mom and told her and she was so happy. Then I called my dad but he was pulling someone's wisdom teeth so I left a message. And then I wanted to talk to someone my own age, like Cybil, but I was afraid to call her because … I don't know why. Maybe she would be jealous or think I was a snob or something. So I took the car and drove around and then I went to Hillside to see if Mr. Perry was still there but he wasn't. So then I walked across the street to Taco Time which was totally deserted and quiet inside. And I got a coffee and sat by the window and watched the cars drive by and I didn't know what was going to happen to me but I knew something was.

And then my brother and his wife came for Christmas and I had to ride out to the airport with Mom. But I didn't mind and all the time we were there I imagined myself getting on a plane to Connecticut. And then James and Emily appeared and they had a baby. I guess I knew they had one but I had forgotten. And I had to pretend like I was excited and say how cute it was but actually it was fat and ugly. And it was drooling all over itself and wearing this little baby hat that was falling off. And then Emily did her usual thing of acting
like me and her were long-lost sisters. She said to the baby, “Does Andrea want to hold us?” And everybody looked at me like if I didn't it would be the biggest crime of the century. So I smiled and took the baby and it immediately drooled all over my sweater. And all the time Emily watched my face to make sure I was enjoying it.

The next couple days were pretty hectic around our house, which was good because it made me forget about seeing Todd and the Mirage/Color Green/Sins of Our Fathers show which was December 28. On Christmas Eve we went to church and afterward my dad gave me a talk about how expensive Wellington was and the sacrifice it meant for their pension fund. It didn't really sound like Dad though, it sounded more like Mom's words in Dad's mouth. And then to remind me of the terrible cost of Wellington I didn't get anything good for Christmas. And that night we all went out to dinner and talked about what I should major in and Mom seemed to be getting a little too worked up about it and I had to remind her that
I
was the one going and
I
would have to figure it out for myself. And Emily said, “Good for you, Andrea,” and gave us all a feminist lecture, which just made my mother more cranky.