Girl (25 page)

And then Beth called to ask me what happened because everyone was getting their early decision things back. I said I got in and she was totally excited and it was so fun to talk to someone who understood. And she told me that Nathan had not gotten into Yale. But Martin Schaap had gotten into Princeton and so far it was just me and him, which was embarrassing since Martin Schaap was a total calculus nerd. I asked her how Nathan was taking it and she said so-so and I felt bad because for someone like Nathan what college you went to was
everything
. So I called him but he sounded really weird and sort of cocky and he made fun of me for applying to Wellington on early decision because it was a “small
school” and for early decision you should shoot for the moon. I thought
Shoot for the moon
? And since I had never heard anyone my age say that I figured that's what his parents were telling him to make him feel better.

And then it was the day before the big Mirage show and I drove over to Matthew's to watch Sins practice. Matthew's weird mom let me in and she talked to me and gave me cookies. Then I went downstairs and it was all smoky from cigarettes and pot and Fiona was playing her bass and Cybil had her fingers in her ears and she and Matthew were discussing the set list. Greg was playing his drums and Fiona told him to shut up because she was trying to play something different. And then Cybil told them both to shut up and she pointed out something to Matthew. And then Greg started playing “Oblivion” and Matthew yelled SHUT UP! That seemed to work but then Fiona played a Pax song and Greg did a surf beat and then Matthew ran over and ripped the sticks out of his hands. And Greg started pounding his kick drum and Fiona blew smoke at Matthew and he called her a bitch and it was all very unpleasant.

The crankiness continued. After practice me and Cybil went to Scamp's for frozen yogurt and Cybil said she hated Scamp's because it was so yuppie even though she knew it was my favorite place. And then there were these long silences while we ate and the only thing I could think was she was nervous about the show. Or maybe she was sick of everything. The band, Hillside, me. And she knew I was going off to fancy Wellington and she hadn't even filled out her stuff for the University of Oregon. But also I thought it might have to do with the Ecstasy night. How could it not? But I didn't want to think about it and I guess I just wanted everything to be normal.

·    ·    ·

The show was a really big deal because Mirage had a big song that was Top Forty and they had this great video that people kept telling me about but I had never seen because my stupid parents still hadn't got cable. And tickets were sixteen dollars, which is the most Baker Theater ever costs. But it was a drag because the day of the show I got stuck babysitting Emily's baby and then my mom made me go to the store and then we had to have dinner
as a family
and I hadn't even called Cybil yet. But then Cybil called me and my mom answered and she said to tell Cybil we were eating. But I ignored her and took the phone into the other room and Cybil said they were already there and she was putting me on the guest list and I asked if Todd was there and she said, “He's somewhere but I haven't talked to him.” And I went back to the table and Emily asked me about the music scene and then she started telling me about “women's music,” which sounded totally horrible.

Then I called Beth. It was totally spur of the moment and probably a mistake but I didn't want to go by myself. And I put on my coolest miniskirt and tights and my favorite shirt and pinned my hair up and put chopsticks in it and black lipstick and snuck out of the house before anyone could see me. And when I picked up Beth her mom answered the door and Beth must have told her parents I was going to Wellington because her dad came right to the door and they were all excited to meet me and congratulate me and I guess they weren't expecting me to have black lipstick. So that was really awkward and when Beth came down she was dressed in jeans and this preppie sweater but as soon as she saw me she said, “Oh!” and she ran back upstairs and she came back in black jeans and a T-shirt and her parents were like, “But Beth …” And she said, “We're late, Mom, see you!”

·    ·    ·

And really, Beth was being pretty cool about everything and she knew the whole Todd story and she could see how nervous I was. We got there and all these people were crowded at the door and I grabbed Beth and pushed to the front and the guy remembered me from The Sidewinders show and he let us through. Inside there were a million college students who were home for Christmas and everybody was in a good mood and obviously relieved to be away from their families and out with their friends. And we had just taken off our coats when the lights went down and this huge voice said, “Please give a warm holiday welcome to Portland's own
Sins of Our Fathers
!”

First Matthew came out
and plugged in his stuff and then Fiona and then Greg got behind his drums and everything was ready. And then they started playing and Cybil came running out and I knew it was her because of how she ran but it didn't look like her because she had that wig on. That sixties wig. From her mother's attic. And also sunglasses. And she wobbled her head so the wig hair flopped around. And Beth was going
wow
and I looked around at other people to see if they noticed but why would they? They'd never seen Cybil before. She sang “Love Disease” but something was wrong with the sound because all
you could hear was the guitar. And people didn't seem that into it but I grabbed Beth and we ran to the front and danced around even though we were the only ones.

And then after only six songs they had to get off. But Cybil saw us dancing and she came to the edge of the stage and yelled to us to come backstage. Poor Beth. So we went around to the stage door and there was this scary security guard but Cybil told him to let us in. And just as we came down the hall, I saw Luke going into the Color Green dressing room. He was wearing leather pants and his hair was really long and scraggly and he looked like such a rock star. We went into Cybil's dressing room and she took off the wig and her real hair was all sweaty and gross. And she asked me if I was going to talk to Todd and I said I didn't know but I hoped so.

Then I was getting really nervous. So I bummed a cigarette from Fiona and stood in the doorway and watched down the hall for Todd. And the cigarette was making me sick but I kept smoking it and Beth stood with me and then the security guy knocked on the Color Green door and said, “Time to go!” The door opened and Luke and Todd had their guitars, and the other guys were different than the original guys, they looked older and more professional and like they'd taken more drugs. And they acted so important the way they walked and me and Beth flattened against the wall as they went by and Todd was behind Luke and he had his head down and his eyes on the floor and he didn't even see us.

They went around the corner and then someone else came out of their dressing room and it was Carla. And she said, “Hey, you guys!” and Matthew must have heard her voice because he came running over and he was like, “What are you doing here?” We all looked at Carla to see how she would respond
to Matthew but she just ignored him and got out a cigarette. And then he said, “I didn't know you were here.” But she still ignored him and then there was a huge rumble through the walls and it was Color Green starting and we all ran down the hall to watch.

People were into Color Green. They clapped and yelled and somebody threw something at Luke. They started with this long jam thing and then Todd started singing but his voice sounded terrible. It was so raspy and hoarse it made you cringe to hear it. But they kept playing and then Todd sang “Girl” and Cybil nudged me and told me they wrote “Girl” for me and I said they didn't because they were playing it before Todd even met me. Cybil said it still seemed like my song, to her, and I said it was probably for Carla but that didn't make sense either because the girl in “Girl” was a generic suburban type. And I knew that for sure because I had read the lyric sheet.

And then during their encore me and Beth and Cybil snuck behind the stage and crouched on the steps behind the drummer. Luke and Todd were pounding their guitars and the crowd was headbanging and Cybil nudged me and said they were rock gods. And mostly I watched Todd but whenever he turned toward the drums I didn't look at him because I was too embarrassed. And by the end his voice was so ragged he could hardly talk and Luke had to sing the last song. And then when they were done the drummer almost stepped on Cybil's hand and he winked at us like he thought we were groupies.

After that Color Green went back into their room and closed the door. We went into the Sins' dressing room and Matthew was arguing with Fiona and Greg was arguing with Matthew and everybody was cranky. And Carla was probably
with Color Green and I had secretly expected to somehow see Todd but now I realized I might not. And then groupies Lisa and Vanessa showed up, don't ask me how, they probably gave blowjobs to the security guard. And worse than that they weren't looking for Color Green, they were scamming on
Matthew
. Fiona smoked some pot, which seemed to calm things down somewhat. And then Lisa started talking to Matthew, and Vanessa was acting so aloof and she wanted some of Fiona's pot but Fiona wouldn't give her any.

Then Mirage went on. The crowd went totally crazy, like way past what they did for Sins of Our Fathers or Color Green and it made you realize how people only cared about what they heard on the radio. They couldn't tell which bands were good, they just liked what they were supposed to like. But me and Beth still went behind the stage to watch and Mirage had fog machines and cool lights and this synthesizer dance beat that was super fast and made the whole building shake. After a couple songs we went to find Cybil and we walked into her dressing room and there was Todd. By himself. And it was so weird because my first instinct was to hug him. But I couldn't. He was untouchable. Then he asked me how I was doing and his voice was all scratchy and raw. I said I was doing fine and I said I didn't think I was going to see him and he said why not? I said because he was getting so famous. He sort of frowned and looked at Beth and he looked so tired and sad I just grabbed him. I just gave him the biggest hug. And Beth left the room and we hugged and hugged and didn't say anything because it seemed like talking would just wreck it.

Then he kissed me. And then he kicked the door closed and really kissed me. And then we went out to their van and it was so weird because we just fucked, it was just pure sex and
we didn't dare talk and it seemed like this was the end. And it didn't last very long and after he came his head fell on my chest and his ears were really hot like maybe he had a fever. And I held his head and tried to get his penis out of me before the condom fell off. And then he woke up and we talked a little and he told me about the tour and the cities they'd played in and what the weather was like. And it was so sad because it was just small talk and his voice sounded terrible and it was probably just making it worse.

When we left the van we were in this parking lot, surrounded by fences and barbed wire and floodlights shining down. And I tried to get my skirt straight and keep up with Todd, who was hurrying back because he didn't have a coat. When we got inside Mirage had finished and Todd went into his dressing room and I followed him even though I didn't really know if I was invited. Carla was there. And Luke and the other guys. And horrible Vanessa had found their drummer and she was hanging all over him and playing with his hair and he was feeling her butt right in front of everybody.

And then Matthew came in and he was looking for Carla. But she wouldn't talk to him and everybody stared at him and he asked her to come out in the hall. And Carla was really mean and she said, “What do you want?” Matthew was like, “I just want to talk to you for a second.” And then Luke told him that Carla didn't want to talk to him and that he should leave. But Matthew said it was between him and Carla. And then Todd came over and Luke stepped right into Matthew's face and just when they were about to fight, Carla said, “I don't want to know you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to fuck you, does that answer your questions?” Matthew was totally faced. And when he left he bumped into Lisa, who was coming in, and she immediately went chasing
after him like, “Matthew! Matthew!” and it was so true how Christmas turns everything into a horrible soap opera.

So then I wanted to leave and I went over to Todd and kissed him on the cheek and told him it was nice to see him again. He said, “Yeah, it was.” Then I went back to Cybil's dressing room and got Beth and we walked back through the theater, which was empty now except for the security people and all the broken cups and stuff laying on the floor. And looking around I felt this horrible finalness and Beth tried to smile at me and I couldn't really look at her. But outside the theater everyone was hanging out and it was that same atmosphere as when we arrived, all the happy college students and the trendy high school kids and just everyone buzzing and talking and asking where the parties where. And me and Beth sort of paused on the steps to look at them all. And then these cute guys started talking to us and they invited us to a party but Beth had to go home so we left.

Back at my house Emily and James were watching TV and drinking wine. They said to come sit down so I did and they were talking to me and trying to be nice but I just stared at the TV. I was thinking about lightning storms in Texas and snow in the Midwest and all the other places Todd had been. And this horrible ache was growing in my chest, not because I wanted Todd back, but because without him everything would be normal again and there'd be nothing to daydream about. And I wondered where he was, asleep in the van, maybe awake, driving back to Seattle with those horrible people, that horrible drummer and horrible Vanessa and what did he think about all those nights driving between cities? But Emily was asking me something and I finally had to answer her and then I excused myself and went up to my room. And I was so relieved to be alone I just sat on my bed and fiddled with a button on my coat sleeve. And when I took
a deep breath my whole chest heaved with pain. So then I got undressed and shut my door and turned off the light. I got deep under the bed covers and curled up in a ball. Then I closed my eyes and let my chest fill up and my eyes fill up and then, very slowly, very gently, like making love, I started to cry for Todd Sparrow.