Girl (27 page)

And then on the first Saturday of spring vacation I went over to Cybil's to help her pack. We sort of talked but not that much. And she was scared because she didn't know if she'd be able to sing in a real recording studio. And then Greg's station wagon came and Fiona's smashed-up Toyota and I helped Cybil carry her stuff out. Greg jumped out to help and he was so excited he could barely contain himself. All their dreams were coming true. And Matthew yelled hi and Fiona honked and Cybil gave me a hug and got in and I waved and they all drove away.

That night there was a big party at Beth's and I went with Henry and I was telling everyone about Cybil and Color Green and how Todd had changed my life and I guess I was bragging because Amy Brubaker said, “Changed it to what?” Bridget Cole was there and I guess she wasn't kidding about wanting to be on the paper because she was schmoozing all the
Hillsider
people. Everyone except me, who she seemed to be avoiding. And she was talking about what direction she would take
Hillsider
if she were the editor and getting people to agree with her and flattering Henry endlessly because she knew how popular he was with the older people. It was really amazing to watch her work. She said she would start as fashion editor as a junior and maybe try for editor-in-chief as a senior. And nobody said a word because they knew she would probably do it.

·    ·    ·

With Cybil gone I depended on Henry for my social life during spring vacation. I went down to the beach for a couple days to stay with his family at their beach cabin. It was warm for one day and we went on the beach but then it rained and we were all stuck inside, watching cable movies with his sister and playing Ping-Pong in the garage. And it was weird too because his parents didn't think anything about their son hanging out with a senior. I guess they just assumed he was so wonderful or else they didn't care because I was going to Wellington. Parents seemed to forgive you anything if you were going to a fancy college.

And then spring vacation was over and on Monday everyone talked about their trips and stuff and they had forgotten about Sins of Our Fathers. But I hadn't. The first thing I did was check Cybil's locker. Then I went to the parking lot and looked for Matthew's car or Greg's station wagon. But there was no sign of them. And that night I called Cybil's house and her mom sounded really weird and she didn't know what Cybil's plans were and she didn't want to talk to me at all.

Back at
Hillsider
on Tuesday everybody was getting nervous because college stuff was coming back. And then Amy Brubaker complained to Nathan that I kept making my columns into photo pieces and not writing anything. Which was true. So I sat down and tried this one idea that Cybil thought of, which was: the cycles of cool. Like a look will be totally cool when it's first invented and only the coolest people will be into it. But then it will become totally uncool and the
least
cool people will be into it. Like punk rock was really cool in the eighties but now the only people into punk were skinheads and street kids. And then a look will come back into style like hippies and Deadheads even though for a while those people were the bums and street people. The
only problem was I couldn't really remember the other parts of the theory without Cybil there and it seemed like it contradicted my other column about people choosing one of the retro looks.

I was getting frustrated so I walked down to the field where Henry was taking pictures of the track team, but Bridget Cole was talking to him and probably working on her plan for total Hillside domination. And I already felt faced by her because it was obvious she had studied me and found me lacking. So I went back to the
Hillsider
offices and got my stuff and walked across the street to Taco Time where I tried to remember the cycles of cool and just got more mixed up and depressed. And I realized the whole thing about fashion or writing about fashion or even thinking about fashion was
confidence
. You had to be confident and other people had to have confidence in you. Because it was all about intimidation and having the nerve to pull things off and daring to say, “This is cool and this is not.” Fashion was sports for girls and that's why Cybil was so good at it because she was always confident and she always wanted to compete and she always won.

On Wednesday there was still no sign of Matthew or Cybil. And during lunch I saw Little Greg, the freshman who always dyed his hair, and for a second I thought it was real Greg and I jumped up but of course it wasn't. And at the
Hillsider
offices more letters from colleges had come. Amy Brubaker got into Smith and it was so bogus because the minute she heard, she started acting so nice to everyone but people were suspicious and said she was patronizing and it was kind of a face on her.

All day Thursday I looked for Cybil, I was really missing her. And I tried to write my column but once I got frustrated I couldn't write anything. So then Henry drove me to HOP!
and some other thriftstores to try to inspire me. After that we had coffee at Zoso and I tried to write and then Carla walked in. She was with another girl who sort of sneered at us but Carla was nice and we talked about Sins of Our Fathers and why it was taking so long and she hadn't heard anything and I hadn't heard anything. And just talking to her reminded me that making a record was a pretty big deal and Sins of Our Fathers probably weren't worrying about missing a couple school days.

Then on Friday Greg showed up at school. I saw him at his locker during first period and I immediately ran over to Cybil's locker but it hadn't been touched. So I ran to the parking lot but I didn't see Matthew or Cybil's car and I asked Betsy Warren if Matthew was back and she said she hadn't seen him. So I waited around Greg's locker and the minute he saw me he looked like he was going to cry. I went up to him and I was like, “Greg, where is everybody?” He tried to ignore me and he opened his locker and I said, “Greg, where is Cybil?” Finally he shrugged and said, “How would I know? Up in Seattle. Making their big record. Making Matthew's big record.”

I took Greg to Taco Time for lunch. I fed him coffee and ice cream sundaes while he cried and told me what happened. They had worked for three days and it wasn't going well and then Buzz Mitchell showed up and fired the producer and got this other guy Nick Venn who was really famous and produced Color Green and all the big new bands. And the first thing Nick Venn said was to get a drummer who could keep the beat. Matthew said okay but Cybil and Fiona defended Greg but Matthew won and Nick got another drummer. And they told Greg he was still in the band but for the record they were going to use the other guy. But then after a couple days the other guy told Matthew he
wanted to be in Sins and Matthew told Greg he was out. And when Greg went to Fiona and Cybil they said there was nothing they could do.

And I got scared as Greg told me this because I remembered how he thought he was going to be famous and have his own studio and everything. And you could see this terrible confusion in his face and he kept mumbling about keeping the beat and how he could keep the beat, he really could, and didn't I think he could keep the beat? I said I always thought he was a good drummer but then what did I know about drums?

So that's where
Cybil was. The last survivor of Bed Head, Thriftstore Apocalypse, and the original Sins of Our Fathers. I didn't know what to think. On Saturday I drove by Cybil's and then Matthew's but neither was home. Monday I had this strange feeling they would show up. They didn't. On Tuesday I saw Mrs. Katz talking to Greg in the hall and I went over to listen and they were talking about Cybil and Matthew and Mrs. Katz said that she wasn't responsible because Cybil was eighteen and Matthew was so close that by the time they dragged him back he would be. So they were free. No one was waiting for them to come back. No one except me.

·    ·    ·

And then Greg's story got to
Hillsider
and everyone talked about it and Amy Brubaker said that obviously Sins of Our Fathers was no longer Hillside news if they didn't go to school here anymore. Nathan asked me about Greg and if they should do an article about him and I said that Greg was really freaked out and they should leave him alone. But Amy just scoffed and Nathan said it couldn't hurt to ask and then I got mad and said they didn't know what they were dealing with and this wasn't some stupid swim meet or food drive and if they were smart they'd stay as far away from Greg as they could get.

And I guess I was right because the next day word went around that Greg had fallen asleep at the wheel of his station wagon and went off the road and got a concussion and a broken leg. In a way I was relieved because maybe it would shock him out of his depression. But then after lunch a new rumor went around that he was in Intensive Care at the hospital and he had taken a bunch of his mom's tranquilizers and he hadn't fallen asleep at the wheel, he had blacked out. And it was so weird because they called
me
into Mrs. Katz's office to talk to this counselor guy because Greg didn't have any other friends. And it was so horrible because the counselor guy was creepy and it was all
secret
and like an interrogation about what I knew and they wouldn't even tell me if Greg was okay or what had really happened. So after school I got Henry and we drove to the hospital and went in and they wouldn't let us anywhere near him. And they wouldn't tell us anything. And when I finally went home my parents asked me about it and I tried to explain what happened and how he got kicked out of the band. But they couldn't believe that being a drummer in a band in high school was that big of a deal. And I got so mad and said Sins of Our Fathers have
lawyers
, they have
managers
, they're in the paper in Seattle,
and it's a
huge deal
. But my mom just said she hated the name Sins of Our Fathers and how people should take responsibility for themselves and stop blaming everything on their parents.

The next day was the same. Nobody knew anything. And the teachers were all being really weird and pretending everything was okay. And then at
Hillsider
there was a big argument about if they should write about Greg's accident and if they should mention that he had been kicked out of the band. Which was a pointless argument since Mrs. Schroeder would never let them print anything about it.

Later I went with Henry to Taco Time and I just missed Cybil so much. I just wanted to see her and talk to her about everything and I was so scared she was going to vanish up into the spotlights and I would be left down in the horrible real world. And I told Henry the whole history of Greg and the band and how Greg thought everyone talked about him and how he was going to have a studio in his basement and all these other bands were going to record there. And then I remembered when he and Cybil had matching shaved heads and I started crying and Henry came and sat with me on my side and put his arm around me. And I swear he must have grown a lot because all of a sudden he was taller than me and his arm fit over me perfectly.

On Friday morning it had been almost three weeks since they left and Matthew and Cybil's cars were still not in the parking lot. And when I walked into senior hall I could tell something was wrong. People were acting weird and avoiding me and one girl almost dropped her books when I walked past. Then I saw Mrs. Schroeder. She was standing by my locker. She tried to smile as I approached and then she told me that Greg had brain damage and he was a vegetable. My
knees collapsed and she tried to hold me up and then a boy helped me into a classroom where I could sit down. And I tried to focus my eyes and there were all these people standing around me and I looked up at them like,
What are you staring at?
Mrs. Schroeder shooed them away and I tried to stand up but I was too wobbly. And I was trying so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it and Mrs. Schroeder gave me tissues but something about her just made me furious and I wouldn't let her touch me.

Saturday was my eighteenth birthday. I ate some cake with my parents and then I got on the phone. I was looking for Carla. I called where she used to live but it was disconnected. I didn't know what else to do so I started calling places and asking if she was there. I called Monte Carlo. I called Zoso. I called HOP! Most people were nice but the woman at HOP! started whining about their phone being for business use only and I told her to shut up and I hung up on her. Finally the guy at Poor Boy Records knew her new roommate and gave me the number. I called it and she was there and I was so relieved to hear her voice. And I told her the whole story and then I said I wanted to call Cybil in Seattle because she probably didn't even know. Carla thought that was a good idea but she didn't know how to contact them except to try Tori or Buzz Mitchell or maybe call the studio. And I guess another reason I had called Carla was to see what she thought about Greg and see how she reacted but she didn't seem that upset. Finally I said, “Isn't it sad though, about Greg?” She was like, “Yeah, I guess.” I said, “He was such a nice guy.” She said, “Was he? I never really noticed him.” And that seemed so cold and I wanted to say, Yes, he was! but I didn't. And then I called Cybil's house and got an answering machine and then I tried Matthew and got his mom, who didn't seem to know about Greg and I sure wasn't going to tell her.

·    ·    ·

That night it was still my birthday so Henry came over and we went to Scamp's but I didn't feel like frozen yogurt. So we just drove around for a while and it was Saturday night and everyone was cruising downtown and partying and blasting their car stereos. Then we went to the twenty-four-hour McDonald's on the East Side and drank coffee and watched everybody run around in the parking lot. And then in the bathroom I saw these two girls who were obviously best friends and they were doing lipstick and talking about their dates and that's when I decided to go to Seattle.