Girl (29 page)

I started the car. I drove back toward the university and got on the freeway and it was raining and dark and I could barely see. I drove for an hour and then I pulled off at a rest stop and called my dad. I told him I'd be late and he said that was fine and was I okay? I said I was but his voice sounded so warm and familiar I started to cry. And then I hung up and it was pouring down rain and the huge trucks were splashing along the interstate and I just stood there in the phone booth crying my eyes out for Greg and Cybil and everybody. Because things happened so fast and everyone went flying out in the world in a million directions and everyone was going somewhere different and everyone ended up alone.

I got home late. I fell asleep for a couple hours. I got up and went to school. And on the way I thought how boring I was and how I should do something wild like dye my hair or make out with Eric K Club or take Ecstasy. But when I got to school I had the opposite feeling. With Cybil gone I felt free to be a normal Hillside student. And I worked on
Hillsider
all that week and went to a Sunday party at Beth's where her parents let us have little half-glasses of wine and we sat around having intellectual conversations.

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And then Henry invited me to Sophomore Dance and at first I scoffed but he kept bugging me and saying it would be a goof so I agreed. He wore a thriftstore suit and I wore my fish dress and my hair up and afterward we went to a party at Bridget Cole's house and got drunk. And then for Senior Prom Richard Kirn called me and he wanted to go just to “observe” and I hadn't talked to him in a while and we had such a nice conversation I decided to go. He got a real tux and I dug out that stupid dress my mom made me wear to the Wellington interview. And we went and everyone acted very mature and was nice to each other, even people they hated. Darcy was there with her Camden boyfriend and he was pretty cute. And Rebecca had Tom Petrovich following her around like a puppy. And then Wendy Simpson had a big party afterward and Richard didn't want to go but I made him. And we sat off to the side and talked for a long time and sipped champagne and I told him all about Seattle and Katrina and he listened and nodded a lot but didn't really say anything.

And the next thing I knew we were all lined up in the gym for graduation rehearsal. And Mr. Miller and Mr. Angelo blew whistles and said, “Listen up, people!” And everyone goofed on them and Nathan was behind me and he was being so obnoxious because he got into Stanford and he kept saying, “What can they do to me now? Huh?” And after school we planned the last
Hillsider
, which was the big joke issue, and we sat around after school thinking up “The person most likely to's.”

And the days zoomed by and the seniors were like this big herd of sheep and they told us to come on Saturday at noon and we did and they graduated us and that was that. I was done with high school. And it was muggy and hot and we all stood around in the parking lot in our gowns and hats and
people yelled back and forth and took pictures and after a while it got boring and I got in the car with my parents and went home.

And then I had to look for a job, which became very depressing very fast. There were so many people looking for jobs that every place you went already had a million applicants and they all looked so desperate you wanted to give up and let them have the job. So I mostly hung around the house and got bored and I finally got a job at Robin's Egg at Sunset Mall as a waitress. The customers were the stereo salesmen from the mall and secretaries and stuff. And the kitchen staff were all these suburban types and it was so depressing. And the only fun of the summer was going to shows at K Club with Henry but the new bands weren't that good and they were mostly boy bands and all these jock guys were showing up and slamming and you never saw Carla or anybody cool there anymore.

In July I wrote Cybil a letter in care of Buzz Records. And then I wrote Todd in care of Tori. But both letters were so boring I wasn't that surprised when they didn't write back. They both had more important things to do. But just when I gave up I got a postcard from Cybil saying they finished the record and they were going to tour and probably play at K Club at the end of the summer. And then I saw Eric and he confirmed it and showed me his schedule and it said Sins of Our Fathers in huge letters on Saturday night, August 27.

And then in the first week of August I got a letter from someone in Pasadena, California, named Marissa Hentoff. I opened it up and it was my soon-to-be roommate at Wellington. She was writing to me to introduce herself and tell me what kind of stereo she had and what kind of music she liked and how she was into the Grateful Dead and pro-choice and trying to shut down nuclear power plants.

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Then I went shopping with Mom. We went to Kruger's and got some Levi's and crew-neck sweaters and other stuff my mom thought people wore back east. And I managed to get some money out of her to go to HOP! but when I went there I was too nervous because even if Marissa Hentoff was a nerd there would probably be people there from New York who were totally fashionable and I would feel like an idiot with HOP! clothes.

My mom got my plane ticket. It left on August 27. But I didn't have to be at Wellington until the twenty-ninth and I wanted to see Sins of Our Fathers and my mom got pissed and said how ungrateful I was and when was I going to quit this stupid rock band stuff? And it was weird because in a way I sort of agreed with her. And I was almost afraid to see Cybil because she would be so different and I would just remind her of Hillside and Greg and all the stuff she didn't want to think about. Even in Seattle when she was trying to be nice I could tell she wanted to be away from me. And I guess I wanted to be away from her too. And I tried not to think it was bad, it was just one of those things.

And then I quit my job a week early because the manager at Robin's Egg had been charged with sexual harassment by one of the waitresses and Robin's Egg Incorporated was sending investigators and giving us lie detector tests and it was so horrible there I couldn't stand it. And then I went to a party at Nathan's and all the people who were going to good colleges were there and talking about the deals they got on their plane tickets and what classes they were taking and what their majors were going to be. And it was so weird because Amy Brubaker was there and she was being so nice to me and wanting to exchange addresses and practically begging me to come visit her at Smith.

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Then I started packing
. And getting in fights with my mom. And summer was ending and the days were getting shorter and there was the first feeling of fall in the air. And one day I was coming back from the store and I stopped at Hillside and walked around the buildings which already seemed really dinky and juvenile. And I walked down onto the field where we played soccer in freshman gym class and looked out into the woods where Cybil used to kick the ball. And then I went across the street and had coffee at Taco Time and wrote Marissa Hentoff a letter telling what kind of stereo I had and how I was pro-choice and into shutting down nuclear power plants and had she ever heard of Color Green?

And the day before I flew I tried to wash all my jeans one more time and my mom was yelling at me and my dad was yelling at my mom and I felt so sick I could hardly eat. And I wore my bathrobe all day and ran around and looked at myself in the mirror and of course I was getting the hugest zit on my chin. That night I watched TV and talked to Henry on the phone and ran back and forth from the dryer to the washer and upstairs to my suitcases. And between my mom's criticisms and my own fashion insecurity I was bringing probably the most boring wardrobe ever assembled. And I complained to my mom and she said, “What do you think Wellington is? A bunch of juvenile delinquents? Do you think they'll be dressed in thriftstore rags?” And it seemed like she was probably right.

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But I brought all my tapes. My Color Green tapes and tapes of Sins of Our Fathers and that one tape of Cybil singing by herself. For my personal mementos I brought Brad's bullet and Todd's guitar pick and some old posters of Thriftstore Apocalypse and K Club and Outer Limits. But besides that I had pretty ordinary stuff. Which was okay. Because since Cybil had left, I had become more mainstream and I sort of enjoyed it. Like talking to Richard, or going to Nathan's party, or just being like a normal person and not trying to be so cool all the time or so shocking. And in a way, I had missed high school, or at least the typical high school experience. Even
Hillsider
I had come to late and I was never really accepted there. And the next day when my parents drove me to the airport, I was looking out the window and thinking that Wellington would be my second chance. It would be my chance to start over. I'd have four years to develop a normal social life and be a real person and do all the things a regular person would do.

We got to the airport. We checked my bags and walked around. Then we had coffee in the little espresso place and there was a boy at the next table who was obviously going back east to college. He had a short haircut and penny loafers and lots of zits. And I was watching him and thinking how fun college was going to be and how I should befriend Marissa and try to at least understand politics and be as intelligent as I could. And I guess my mom was reading my mind because she was looking at me with so much pride.

Then we went to the gate. And then the doors opened and people started going in. I said good-bye to my parents and gave them each a hug and my mom started to cry. And I slung my pack over my shoulder and my mom dabbed her eyes and I kissed them both again and got on the plane. And as I sat in
my seat waiting for takeoff I felt so inspired I wanted to get out a book and start studying right then. And in my mind I could see myself, signing up for classes, talking to professors, getting into literature and art, and maybe working on the school paper. And then winter would come and it would snow and I would meet Marissa for hot chocolate and we would discuss
issues
and sexual politics and we'd plan rallies to shut down nuclear power plants. And I would be dressed like everybody else and learning so much and making friends and being right in the thick of college life … But of course that's not what happened. Not even close.