Girl (10 page)

At lunch Rebecca Farnhurst came to my locker. She looked at my face and said, “What's wrong?” I wouldn't say and she said we'd go to Taco Time and she'd get Cybil and I said, “No, do
not
get Cybil.” So the two of us went and I talked about Brad and how I tried to love him but I was too mean in my heart and now he was gone forever. She said, “You talked to Darcy, didn't you?” I said I had no problem with Darcy and if she wanted to be friends with Wendy that was fine with me. Rebecca said Darcy was stupid. She said Gary Tisdale was pretentious and Wendy hated men unless they were gay or younger than her and how lame that was. And then she said how lame Image was and she told me all the cool stuff girls wore at Outer Limits over the summer, like long T-shirts with boxer shorts underneath or this one girl who wrapped flannel shirts around her head like a turban. And she told me what the Metro Mall girls were wearing and stuff she had seen in British magazines and then she really got going about how in England they had this whole new scene of rave parties and smart drugs and bell-bottoms and girls wearing the ugliest floppiest clothes they could find and it was a whole movement and did I know what they were rebelling against? I didn't. Girls like
Wendy Simpson
and that
whole super-clean, super-uptight, mall-bitch look with all Image clothes and if one thread was hanging down they had to throw it away. And I had to cheer up then because if I didn't start talking Rebecca would yak at me for hours.

And then Friday came, the big day, and Cybil and Richard made a rare appearance in the cafeteria and I sat with them while they planned their afternoon. First they had to take the bus to Greg's stepmom's house to get his station wagon and then they had to go back to Greg's and then over to Richard's to get the drums and then they had to borrow some extension cords and at some point Cybil had to go to Captain Whizzy's to get a microphone because the one at Outer Limits smelled like beer and puke and was full of germs. It sounded pretty complicated and I knew I couldn't go with them and when Rebecca Farnhurst came over I told her I needed a ride. She was so glad. She wanted to plan our outfits and she told me what dress she was wearing and what coat and what shoes. And she wanted to know what I was going to wear and I said I had a dress with cows on it. And everybody thought that was cool and Richard asked me why I never wore it to school and I just shrugged and Rebecca wanted to know what color the cows were.

Rebecca came to pick me up. She was wearing a cool fifties dress and a raincoat and I had my cow dress and my gray cardigan and my mom said we looked like a couple of grannies. And Rebecca immediately started yakking to my mom about HOP! and how vintage clothes were cheaper and made of better materials and better cut and they were more modest and respectful of a girl's sexuality. My mom just stared at her. And Rebecca was talking so fast my mom couldn't answer and she even let me say “around one o'clock” for coming-home time. And then my mom asked Rebecca why we weren't going to Homecoming and Rebecca
launched into this thing about how a person should have different experiences and try to meet all kinds of people and not just do the obvious things all the time and … I grabbed her and pulled her out the door.

But outside, the whole neighborhood smelled like Homecoming. And I remembered other Homecomings and seeing the stadium lights from the parking lot and hearing the people cheer and running in to see what happened. And I thought of the green grass and everybody wearing sweaters and that smoky October smell and everybody talking about parties and which boys were cute. And now, getting into Rebecca's car, I looked in the direction of Hillside and I could feel the pull of Homecoming. And when we turned on to Shelby Road it seemed like every passing car was people going to the game or parents taking their kids or maybe old people who went to Hillside when they were kids. And at the light we stopped and there was a man raking leaves in his yard and he had the radio on and I couldn't really hear it but I imagined it was the game and that everywhere in the world people were sitting outside and listening to Homecoming and watching the distant stadium lights and hearing the people cheer whenever something good happened.

We drove. When we got downtown we cruised by Outer Limits and there were so many people outside on the street Rebecca had to slow down and wait for them to move. And these boys were guzzling a quart of beer and everyone was smoking cigarettes and acting really cool and tough. But then on the next block we saw Greg's station wagon which made me feel better. We parked beside it. And I didn't have any makeup on and Rebecca had a little mascara and she looked at herself in the rear-view mirror and asked me if we should put on lipstick and I said, “I guess we better.” So she put some on and I put some on and then some eye pencil. And
then she asked me if I ever smoked and I said I knew how and she said good and got some cigarettes from under the seat. And we got out and ran across the street and then we smoothed our dresses and turned the corner and walked into the crowd.

The first person I saw was the rust-haired girl who was with Todd Sparrow last spring. She was standing against the wall and she had Jackie O sunglasses and a super short bob and she was smoking and talking to a black girl who had huge dreadlocks. And me and Rebecca tried to get by and the girl with the dreadlocks turned and she was so beautiful I just about died. “Holy
shit
,” said Rebecca, “did you see that girl?” And I nodded and we sort of stumbled forward, passing the guys we saw guzzling the beer and they said hi to us but we ignored them. And across the street there were some skinheads and their Nazi girlfriends, who looked like they were from a lower-class mall in Idaho or someplace. And Rebecca stopped and I walked right into her and we were both sort of freaking out. And she whispered to me if I wanted a cigarette but I didn't and just then a breeze blew down the street and it smelled like rain and smoke and I thought I could be at Homecoming and at Renee Hatfield's party with all the Hillside people, dancing and meeting cute boys and maybe getting a boyfriend but I was here and it was dark and the people were scary and weird and way too cool.

Rebecca decided we should go in and we didn't have to pay because Cybil had put us on the guest list so at least for a few seconds we felt like we belonged. Over the summer they had changed the inside of Outer Limits. It was bigger and there was a real stage now and big speakers and the walls were painted psychedelic and there were all these dolls stuck on the ceilings and stuff hanging down and flowers
and toys and old seventies posters like Shaft and Farrah Fawcett along the walls. There weren't too many people inside yet but Cybil and Greg were setting up his drums and Rebecca and I sat on the stage and I saw an amp with C
OLOR
G
REEN
painted on the side. And then this weird guy came up and asked Rebecca if she had a cigarette and she gave him one. He lit it and said he was the drummer of Bender and they were from San Francisco and he'd never been to Portland before and what was it like? Well he sure asked the right person! Rebecca yakked at him for about an hour and he must have thought she liked him because he asked if he could stay with us. And Rebecca was like, “No way! We live with our parents! We're only sixteen!” And the guy was like “oh” and he wandered off.

But then Sins of Our Fathers played and they were so great! When they started no one was inside but people started coming in right away. Me and Rebecca were in front and I kept watching Cybil and looking back at the crowd and people were really liking it. And Cybil was so good and Richard and Greg too and they sounded like a real group and even their old songs were a hundred times better than before. And they had great new songs that you could dance to right away like this one called “Oblivion” which was about a girl who runs away and travels all around. And it was so wild because every girl at Outer Limits was swaying with the music and traveling away to the sound of Cybil's voice. And I looked at Rebecca and she just shook her head and said, “Cybil is the coolest girl on the face of the earth.”

·    ·    ·

After that
Pax played and then it was Color Green's turn. And even though Bender was supposed to be the headliner it seemed like everyone wanted to see Color Green. And it was getting really packed and people were pushing and me and Rebecca tried to hold our place and not get pushed away by these dumb boys in flannel shirts who kept shoving each other. And it was so obvious that Color Green was such a big deal and I was already resenting them because I thought Cybil was the best. And when they came on stage they strutted around and acted so cool. And people yelled at Todd and he ignored everyone and they were such rock stars. And then they played and it was really loud and violent and the flannel boys started slamming and elbowing everyone and knocking into us and we had to move away because they were being such jerks.

We went over to the side and watched from there. Then Cybil came over to us and said we could come into the dressing room if we wanted. So we did and it was this little room with graffiti everywhere and Richard and Greg were sitting on a bench drinking juice and eating rice cakes. And I told them how much I loved “Oblivion” and their old songs too and how dumb Color Green was but Cybil said Color Green was good, it was just more grunge influenced and we should give it a chance. And then some other guys came in and they smoked pot and Cybil waved the smoke away and when they left I smelled my dress to see if the smell got on me.

·    ·    ·

When Color Green got done they came in and they were all sweaty. We scooted down the bench to give them room but they were just waiting for their encore. And I watched Todd and he asked if anyone had pot and then Cybil gave him some of her juice. And then they went back out and everyone cheered and screamed and it wasn't that much different than a football game, boys smashing each other and getting all the glory, except that the audience was crazier and on more drugs.

After their encore they came back and Cybil told us we should leave but Todd told us to stay and the one named Luke drank the rest of Cybil's juice and he was a very dangerous-looking boy. He had tattoos and long hair and this sort of greasy stoner look in his eyes. And they all flopped on the bench and Todd took off his shirt and he had gross little hairs coming out of his nipples. And he talked to Cybil and she was being so polite and respectful and it made me mad because her band was as good as his.

Then the guys from Bender came in and it got too crowded so we went outside and sat on the curb. And after a while Todd and Luke came out and sat there too, a little down from us and of course they were talking to the rust-haired girl and her beautiful dreadlocked friend and they were the coolest girls there and they knew it. And then this guy came up to me and it was Kevin! Kevin who drove me home the night Mark Pierce cut his head! Wow! He said he saw us going into the dressing room and were we rock stars now? I was so happy to see him, I gave him a big hug. And he had a friend, Doug, who was visiting from college and he was cute and he had a bottle of Jack Daniel's and he offered it around. I took a little and Rebecca took some and she immediately started flirting with him. Then Todd Sparrow came over and made everyone
nervous because he was such a
star
. But then Doug offered him the bottle and he took a sip and handed it to Luke and when Luke saw what it was he said, “All right!” and everybody laughed. And then the rust-haired girl came over but she didn't talk and she didn't want any Jack Daniel's. She just stood behind Todd and stared at Cybil and she was extremely weird.

Then Bender played. They were really loud and noisy and everybody was outside anyway and it was such a
scene
, like a party, except it was on the street and no high school idiots and everyone was so cool. Rebecca got out her cigarettes and I decided to smoke one except I was out of practice and I coughed and it was embarrassing. And then Todd reached over and grabbed it out of my mouth and at first I just stared at him but then I was like, “Give it back!” He said he'd show me how, and I tried to grab it and he said I was too young to smoke and I chased him across the street and everybody laughed. So I went back to the curb and sat with Rebecca and she gave me another one and I lit it but I didn't really smoke it because I didn't want to start coughing in front of everyone. And then Todd tried to sit down between me and Rebecca and we wouldn't let him and he said we were lesbians. Then he looked really hard at me and said, “Didn't I see you outside the library one time?” I said, “
No
!” And I got another sip of Jack Daniel's and Luke talked to the rust-haired girl and I asked Todd who she was and he said her name was Carla and did I want to meet her? I said no and Todd asked me if I liked girls and I tried to kick him and my cigarette fell in my lap and almost burned my cow dress.

Then we got in cars to go to a party. It was some people Todd knew and we didn't know if we were invited but Todd said we were. Rebecca tried to get Kevin and Doug in our car but they had their own car so we ended up with Mike, who was the drummer
of Color Green. Mike had a quart of beer in a paper bag that was all wet and Rebecca kept telling him not to spill any because she'd get in big trouble. So then we followed Greg, who was following Todd, and we were like a caravan and I looked at my watch and it was already quarter to twelve, I only had an hour. We got to the party and went inside and boy was I glad I had on lipstick because the people were totally weird and underground. Everyone stared at us and Todd led us into the backyard which was a relief. Rebecca and I sat on the steps and Todd sat with us and Kevin and Doug wanted to sit too but there wasn't room so they just stood there and they couldn't talk because Todd was talking. Rebecca gave Todd a cigarette and he demonstrated all the ways to hold it like: “The Intellectual,” “The Bitch,” “The Bohemian,” and I kept laughing even though I didn't want to encourage him. And then I looked up and Cybil was watching all this and Richard too and they weren't talking to anyone or having fun and suddenly I felt like I was being this idiot party girl.