Girl (28 page)

When I got home I asked my parents if I could have the car to drive to Seattle and they were immediately suspicious. Like where was I going and why and what was I going to do? I said I was going to find Cybil and my mother was immediately against it. So I said, “Fine, I'll take the train,” and this University of Washington student had almost been raped on the train the week before, so I had them. So then my dad made all these conditions like what I had to do and when I had to be back and I agreed to everything and I didn't even hear what he said.

That night I had a dream my whole high school was on a train going to New York City and we got there and we ran around and it was so fun. And Greg was there and Cybil and Richard Kirn and Mrs. Schroeder and we went to the Empire State Building and rode in taxis and walked up and down the sunny streets. But then I woke up and I was back in my room in Sunset Park and it was gray and dismal outside and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. So I got up and put a sweater in my old camp pack and made myself a sandwich. And my mom was already up and drinking coffee and for once she didn't bug me. She asked me if I had everything. And then she told me to be careful and kissed me and I got in her Honda Civic and I left.

·    ·    ·

I felt better once I got going. It was raining and I had the windshield wipers on and there wasn't much traffic. I drove by the Methodist church on Shelby Road and people were dressed up and running through the rain to the entrance. And on the freeway I looked around at the other people driving and it was a lot of Dads in pickups and families in Sunday clothes. And as I circled the city I could see bums sitting under the overpasses and people on top walking with their umbrellas. And then I passed through the North Side suburbs where Carlton Tech was and I could see their yards and the backs of their houses. And then I crossed the Columbia River which was huge and still and there was a big barge of logs going beneath the bridge. And then I was in Washington State, which was just trees and highway for as far as you could see and that's when I realized I forgot to bring tapes.

When I got to Seattle the sun was just breaking through the clouds. It was quite beautiful and I swear Portland doesn't feel like it's anywhere, but Seattle really feels like it's in the top left-hand corner of the whole country. I passed Boeing and then the Kingdome and then I could see the bay and the ocean and I imagined Japan out there somewhere. But then I was in the city and things got complicated with all these weird exit ramps and expressways and stuff. I found a sign to the university and I got off and found my way to the coffee shop strip. I parked by a magazine store and got a copy of
Rock City
. I called their offices and told them I was looking for the studio where Sins of Our Fathers were making their record with Buzz Mitchell. They gave me the phone number. So I called the studio and some guy answered and he didn't know anything so he gave me Buzz Mitchell's home phone number. That was pretty scary but I called it and he was asleep and really grumpy and pretentious-sounding. I
said I was Cybil's friend from Portland and I had brought her some stuff but she didn't know I was coming that day and where was she? He said, “Katrina's.” I said, “Where's that?” He didn't know. And just by his voice I knew I had to be pushy so I started whining about how I was only here for the day and how pissed Cybil would be if she didn't get this stuff. And he was sort of laughing at me and then he said, “Just a second,” and then someone else got on the phone and they gave me directions.

Katrina's neighborhood
was closer to downtown but not nearly as nice as around the university. The streets were full of potholes and there were no curbs and the lawns were all weedy and dead. Katrina's house was at the end of the block. It was old and weather-beaten. I parked and looked around and wondered if the Honda would be safe. But of course it would. I got out. I took a deep breath and walked across the driveway to the door. There were three different locks and I knocked and I could hear a TV inside and no one answered so I knocked louder. Then the locks started coming undone and the door opened and it was dark inside and a man looked out at me. He had long jet-black hair and the whitest, palest skin I had ever seen. And at first he wasn't really paying attention but when he saw
how normal I looked he got suspicious. And I realized I should have dressed cooler to visit Cybil. Even under these strange circumstances.

“Is Cybil here?” I said, “Or Katrina?” He just looked at me and then I heard a voice behind him and footsteps coming toward us and then the door opened more and it was a woman. She looked like the man. Really pale. And she had this huge rat's nest hairdo of red and brown and black hair and her face was pretty but with no makeup and really hard-looking and sort of mean. And she wore a T-shirt with no bra and her breasts were swinging around in her shirt and I was scared like maybe they were having sex or maybe it was the wrong house. And it was so dark inside. And I could hear a TV in the background. It sounded like cartoons.

“Who's looking for Katrina?” said the woman. The man nodded toward me. He was smiling now. But she wasn't. She asked me who I was and what did I want. I said I was Andrea Marr and I was looking for Cybil because I had to tell her something. She seemed unimpressed so I kept talking. I said I was from Portland and me and Cybil were friends from high school and I had to tell her about this other friend of ours and I was just visiting for the day and that
Buzz Mitchell
told me to come here. The woman looked me up and down and said, “Buzz Mitchell, that
dick
.” And then I remembered who Katrina was. She was the one who fought Todd when he tried to marry Tori. She was the crazy lesbian.

But then she smiled at me. I guess because of how pathetic I was. She said Cybil was upstairs resting and if she was asleep she wasn't going to wake her up. I didn't know what to say. Then she went upstairs to see and the man invited me in. It was dark inside and it smelled like incense or mold or maybe pot. And I could see into the kitchen and there was a cat licking
something out of a frying pan. The man went into the living room where the TV was and sat down on the couch. I followed him and I got the feeling he would have been nice to me but he was afraid to because of the woman. So I just stood there and listened to Katrina's footsteps going across the ceiling. And then the man lit a cigarette and offered me one and I said no thanks but I tried to smile and not seem too prissy.

Then I heard Cybil's voice above me. It was muffled and I couldn't hear the words but it was definitely her. And then I could hear Katrina and even though her voice was deeper and more demanding, Cybil's soft voice was winning the argument or the conversation or whatever it was. And then there were more footsteps and the woman came down the stairs and yelled at the cat. And then softer footsteps came down and I could hear whispering in the kitchen. And I was so nervous I just stared at the TV and then I looked up and there was Cybil.

The first thing I thought was how dirty she was. And also her hair was dyed black and cut really short and it had bangs straight across like a French person. And she had this old sweater and ripped-up jeans and filthy tennis shoes that I'd never seen before. And all the time I was looking at her clothes she was looking at my face. She was watching my reaction. Then she said, “Jeez, Andrea, aren't you even going to say hi?” I said hi and sorry and that her hair was different. Cybil said, “Do you like it?” I said, “Yeah, yeah I do.” And Katrina was listening and she scoffed all the way from the kitchen but Cybil told her to shut up. And then Cybil told me I looked nice too and I was like, yeah right.

And then she went to the coffee table and got a cigarette and lit it and I watched her and it was so weird to see her smoke. She was incredibly good at it. She looked like a movie
star. And the man told her to get out of the way of the TV and then the cat in the kitchen meowed like it was getting kicked and I said, “Did you hear about Greg?” Cybil nodded. She looked at the TV for a second like she was thinking and then she said, “Do you have your car?” I said I did and she said, “Do you want to go somewhere?” I was like,
please
.

Outside the clouds were flying by so fast you could see them moving over the telephone wires. And in the distance you could see this huge gray wall of rain just beyond the Space Needle and for the first time I was afraid of Seattle, or maybe just respecting it as a big city, full of danger and creepiness and desperate people who had run away to follow their dreams. Cybil walked ahead of me and she wore a beige trench coat that made her look like a waif or a street child from London. And I guess she thought I was going to scold her because she seemed afraid to look at me and she didn't say anything. We got in my car and drove and she directed me to a coffee shop. She asked me what I was doing in Seattle and I said I just felt like driving somewhere and I thought she might want to see me. And I said I was sorry for intruding and she said, “No, it's okay, Katrina and Rick are just paranoid of new people.” There was an awkward silence and then she told me about Rick and how he was a good bass player but his band was getting jerked around by their manager and he just sat around watching TV all the time.

At the coffee shop we got tea and sat outside so Cybil could smoke the cigarette she bummed from the boy behind the counter. We didn't talk for a long time and it was so weird to see her smoking. Finally I asked her how she found out about Greg and she said her mom told her. I asked her what she thought of it. She said she felt bad. Very bad. And she was nodding and she seemed like she was about to start laughing
or something and it was the weirdest vibe I had ever gotten off her. And so I said how the teachers wouldn't tell us at first and how Hillside reacted and how people didn't blame her or Matthew but they did wonder what happened. Cybil just nodded. And then I got mad because she was making me do all the talking while she just sat there. So I stopped talking. And then nobody talked. And then, finally, she said she wanted to go see Greg. I said, “Well yeah, that would be nice.” But it sounded really snotty and I immediately regretted it. And when she finished her cigarette she bummed another one off a girl sitting next to us.

Then she wanted to walk so I said okay and we started walking. And she said there was nothing she could do about Greg and he was always sort of crazy and I probably didn't know how bad he was but she and Matthew knew. They knew better than anyone. And then she said how the people at Hillside would never forgive them because they didn't know what the stakes were, that in Seattle nobody even blinked about something like that. People there died all the time from heroin or suicide and it was always because they wanted to be rock stars. And I tried to understand her point of view but it just sounded like excuses and she seemed so cold. So I said, “Yeah, Carla wasn't very impressed either.” And Cybil turned to me and looked right in my face and said, “Don't worry, Andrea, I was plenty impressed.”

Things got really quiet then. Cybil went into a store and bought cigarettes and when we got back to the car we just sat there and she smoked. And then I started to apologize but she said it was her fault and to forget it. And then she said how she always had trouble in these situations because she never seemed to have the proper feelings. Like the football player who was glad when the Camden students killed themselves. That's how she was, not
glad
, but just not sad in
the
correct
way. And that I was lucky because I always had the right feelings and the right reactions. And that I should try to understand that other people weren't so sure of themselves, especially if they had spent their whole lives hiding things and disguising their feelings because they weren't normal or they were outside the group or they were, like she was, gay.

And I guess I knew Cybil was gay but I never really thought about it. I guess I didn't want to think about it. And if I ever did think about it I just thought the stuff they tell you in health class: that gay people are no different than you or me and you could be friends with them just as easy as anyone else. But what Cybil was saying now was that I could trust myself in this really deep way and she couldn't. And it seemed like she was right, or at least it made sense. And then she said that's why she was always so in love with me and looked up to me all these years, because I was like the perfect All-American girl. Not like a stupid cheerleader but interesting and smart and going off to a good college. And never having to hide anything. And not having secrets. And even when I did bad things they were the
right
bad things, the
normal
bad things, like drinking or staying out late or having sex with boys.

·    ·    ·

And if I was smart
I wouldn't have said anything but of course I had to start blabbing about how I always thought
she
was the All-American girl and she always seemed to have perfect style and this inner confidence and blah blah and then I realized what an idiot I was being and she was just smoking and looking out the window. So I shut up. And it was dark now and the sky was murky green and the air was wet and smelled like the ocean. And then I started to think it was all a bluff, that it was just a bunch of drama to make me forget what they did to Greg, But she was Cybil. She was my best friend. I had to believe her. I just had to. And I started the car and Cybil said there was a Taco Time down the street and so we went there.

We got burritos and ate and then we drove to the studio because she wanted to show me where they were making the record. And she told me how they “constructed” the song and how weird and disconnected it was and how Nick Venn was such a genius. And we got there and it was locked and it was just this building but Cybil still wanted to walk around it so we did and my shoes got all wet from the grass. Then it started to rain and it was getting cold so we got back in the car and drove back to her house. And I told her all the other Hillside news and she nodded a lot but you could tell she wasn't really interested. When we got to Katrina's I turned off the car and we talked a little more, about nothing really, and it was actually pretty awkward and it was like we just wanted to sit together a little while longer. Then I asked her if
she would come back and finish school. She didn't think so. Matthew had found a place to live downtown and he was already planning his investments from the money they'd make on the record. We both laughed' about that and then it was quiet and then she leaned over and gave me a hug and I tried to give her a really good hug but she sort of cut it off and got out. And she walked in front of the car lights and she looked so cool with her French haircut and her trench coat. And she waved once more and then she ran up the steps and into that horrible house.