Girl (14 page)

It did snow and the next day everything was white and it was so beautiful. I got up early and helped my dad shovel the
driveway and I thought about what Kevin had said but I knew Todd wasn't that type of person. Even if he did have sex with lots of girls he still liked them as friends. After shoveling I made hot chocolate and studied in my room but mostly I looked out at the snow in the yard. And everything was so quiet and peaceful and all I could think about was
Todd
and I imagined him appearing in the snow and yelling up to me and crawling in the window somehow and we would kiss and he would undress me and take me to the bed and we'd make love and talk and spend the whole day just getting into each other.

By Monday morning the snow had melted and it was raining and everything was gray and depressing as usual. And Matthew got in a fight in the parking lot before school and he got suspended because this dumb freshman girl said he started it. And Cybil said they had practiced with Matthew for three hours on Sunday and she had to admit it sounded ten times better with a bass player and Matthew had really good ideas and she even gave him some of her lyrics to think up music for. And then there was this big announcement because this couple at Camden committed suicide by running their car in their parents' garage and they had written the lyrics to a Krokus song on their suicide note and it was a big controversy. And I was really nervous that the song was going to be “Destiny” but it wasn't, it was one off their second album called “Nowhere to Run.” So then after lunch we had to talk about our feelings in all our classes and this football player got in trouble because he said he was glad they did it because if they couldn't take the pressure they should get weeded out and it was just natural selection like we learned in biology.

After school me and Rebecca went to Matthew's to see how he was doing. He had a black eye from the fight. But he
was joking around and his mom was totally weird, like she didn't even care that he was suspended and she was like, “Oh, you are such
nice
girls! Oh, Matthew, aren't they
nice
girls!” And her makeup was weird and she reminded me of Ms. Simms, who was the crazy art teacher at Hillside and always wore capes and stuff to school. And we went into Matthew's room and I had never seen a room with so much stuff. He had posters and magazines and stereo stuff and electrical wires and tape players and video stuff and skateboard wheels and about four answering machines and a bunch of guitars and amplifiers and everything else you could imagine. And he pushed stuff off his bed and we sat on it and it smelled just like him. And he played us some Coma tapes and some other obscure bands and he even had a tape of Cybil singing her songs by herself. It was all very impressive and Rebecca was totally having a crush on him and I just sat there and listened to Cybil whose voice sounded so pure and sad without any instruments. And then we went to Sunset Mall and had frozen yogurt and I talked about how horrible Darcy looked and Matthew said she was anorexic and I was like, “Do you think?” and he just laughed at how naive we were. And the other thing we found out about Matthew that day was he was actually as old as us because he was held back when he was little because he had been immature and hyperactive as a child.

And all that week weird things kept happening at school. Like Cybil and Wendy had a screaming fight in the hall. No one would say what it was about but I knew it was something about Darcy. And then these psychologists came and told us it was the rain that was making us suicidal and we should get our parents to buy these special sun lamps for our rooms. And then someone wrote M
ATTHEW IS A
F
AG
on Matthew's locker and since he was suspended it stayed there the whole day and then when he came back on Wednesday
he thought it was funny and he left it there and then he got in another fight after school in the parking lot. And Betsy Warren got suspended for smoking pot and then they had anti-smoking day and this horrible man came to our class and tried to act really hip and
speak our language
and
relate to us
and he told us he
knew
how bad we wanted to be cool but having lung cancer wasn't worth it because
he had it
and he was
going to die
, but he had blow-dried hair and the fakiest tan and nobody believed him. And then Richard, who was usually with Cybil or off studying somewhere, actually ate lunch with me and Rebecca and Matthew and it was so weird because the way he acted around Matthew it was like Matthew was the leader of the band now. And later that day I saw Richard in Mr. Perry's office and he said he wanted to go to MIT. And I thought about next summer and what I wanted to do and I definitely did not want to get stuck in Harper's Ferry again so I was being really serious about my college stuff and getting as much ammunition as I could so my parents couldn't send me away.

And then Darcy got a bob and I thought it looked pretty cute and I saw her in the bathroom and I told her how nice it looked. She sort of smiled back in the mirror and she was trying to put this headband on and she couldn't seem to get it right. And she had lots of zits and her wrists looked awfully skinny and I asked her how she was doing. But I guess that was stupid because there were all these other girls there and she gave me this weird look like,
What are you talking about
? and I didn't know what to say so I left.

At lunch I told Rebecca and Matthew about Darcy, and Matthew said she was taking speed. We asked him how he knew and he nodded toward Betsy Warren who was sitting at the next table. And then Jerry Kruger came up behind Matthew and called him a faggot and Matthew pretended like he didn't see him and waved his hand like,
What stinks
? And
Jerry slapped him on the side of the head and Matthew started swearing and grabbing his ear and everybody thought he was joking but it turned out his eardrum was broken.

And that weekend me and Rebecca were downtown at Poor Boy Records and we saw Carla. I asked her about Todd and she said Color Green had been in Seattle meeting with Buzz Mitchell about their record contract. She told me an address and I wrote it down and thanked her and it was weird because when we went outside I felt relieved like that explained why I hadn't seen him. And also I felt sort of free like I could walk down the street and I didn't have to worry about what I was wearing every second or which corner Todd might be around. And it made me think that love was best when it was in your mind, when it was imaginings on a snowy day or doodled names in your notebook or dreaming in your bed at night. Except for sex of course, which was obviously the biggest part, once you figured it out.

My first letter
to Todd Sparrow I wrote in my room and it was my life story and it was five pages long and it was so boring I threw it away. My next letter I wrote at school and it was about the music scene and all the news about Sins of Our Fathers and how Matthew was playing bass and making us tapes of Coma and bootleg Color Green
shows. It had a long part where I admitted that I didn't know that much about music except that I liked the energy of it and the weird people at Outer Limits and all the stuff Richard used to say about a new generation and teenagers having their own music. My third letter I wrote in the downtown library and I tried to sound like I
did
know about music and I mentioned obscure bands Matthew had talked about but then I thought Todd would see through it. So I dug out the second letter and recopied the parts about Cybil and Matthew but left out the stuff about how I didn't know about music. Then I went to Scamp's and wrote another part about how I hoped I wasn't being weird but I sure liked hanging out with him and going to his house that time. And then I felt daring and I wrote how Carla had been so nice and how me and Rebecca thought she was such a bitch because we were afraid of her and how people always hate other people if they're dressed cooler than them or if they're artsy or pretentious or whatever. But then I crossed the Carla part out and recopied that page but then I decided to leave it in and I had to recopy it again. It took two frozen yogurts and three coffees to get it all done but I was so excited and I signed it “See you” and kissed every corner of every page. And then I ran down to the post office and kissed the envelope ten more times and drew some flowers on it and dropped it in. And the minute it fell through the slot I felt sick from nerves and caffeine and yogurt.

The next day at school me and Cybil had lunch at Taco Time, just the two of us, and we talked about Todd Sparrow and how with him you had to be honest because he could see right through any lies or games and how when you were with him you felt like anything could happen and how exciting it was. But also how vulnerable you were with him because he had all the power and you were in “his movie” and how only people like Carla could be equal to him because they had movies of their own.

·    ·    ·

And I tried not to think about Todd but of course the whole reason I wrote to him was so he would write back. And every day after school no matter where we were going, Rebecca and I would stop by my house and look in the mailbox. And Rebecca was having a major crush on Matthew now and even Cybil was admitting he was cool. And since he broke his eardrum Matthew couldn't take a shower and he looked so scruffy and when Mrs. Katz tried to say something he told her he had been assaulted in
her
lunchroom by one of
her
students and it wasn't his fault he couldn't take a shower, his doctor wouldn't let him. And then during spring break Girl Patrol played at Outer Limits and Cybil and Matthew and Rebecca and I went. Matthew was so daring he just walked right into the dressing room and started talking to Girl Patrol. And it was so weird because I thought they were going to be these wild young girls but they were actually sort of old and beat-up looking. The drummer was fat and the singer looked really sickly and pale and afterward Matthew said she was on heroin.

And then on Monday it was raining and I went home and there was a letter in the kitchen and it said my name and it was from “T.S.” in Bellingham, Washington. I sat down and opened it and started reading. At first it was really nice and he was glad I wrote him because it was so boring where he was, which was not really in Seattle but in this boring suburb. And I was reading pretty fast to get to the part about me and I thought I found it but then I had to back up and it was about someone named Jessica. She was in another band that was rehearsing in the same studio and she was really talented and Todd liked her a lot but she was so hostile and competitive that it was turning into a disaster. And they were all stuck in this little town and she was ruining everything. And I started skimming really fast for parts about me but there
were none. Except at the end where he said he wished more girls were like me, laid back and willing to let a good vibe develop and not immediately putting all men down like Jessica did. It was signed “See you soon” and when I got done I read it again and when I got to the part about Jessica I threw the paper on the floor and stomped it with my foot.

And then Sins of Our Fathers finally played again at Outer Limits. Everyone was there. It was the usual line-up with Pax on last but you could tell Sins of Our Fathers were getting the most attention from the crowd. And when they came out Cybil had this great miniskirt and a cardigan over a T-shirt that was cut off so you could see her bellybutton. It was very risque for Cybil and I knew right away that Sins of Our Fathers was going to be a different band with Matthew in it. And they were. They started off with Richard playing this little waltz on guitar and then they all started pounding this super heavy beat, really loud and hard and everyone started dancing instantly. And Cybil grabbed the mike and did this chant and it was:

We are all
Prostitutes
We are all
For sale
We are all
Pretty candy
We have all
Gone to hell

And then she turned back toward Greg and Matthew and they were totally getting into it and Richard was doing his little hopping thing and Matthew's hair was flying all over and everyone was totally rocking out.

·    ·    ·

After the first song I heard this boy tell his girlfriend that Sins of Our Fathers was the best band in Portland. And these other boys said, “That singer is so hot!” And then the next song was really smooth and fast and everyone went spinning around and dancing and going totally wild. And boys were moshing and girls too and it was this big swirl of people and me and Rebecca looked at each other and then we both ran right into the middle of it. And everyone fell down and we were getting kicked and smashed and falling over everyone and rolling on the floor and then we got up and we were dancing like crazy and whipping our hair around and it was the wildest time!

After Sins of Our Fathers were done Rebecca and I went out to the curb and drank some mineral water and everyone was talking about Sins of Our Fathers and how great they were. Nick Pax was sitting in the Pax van and telling people he didn't want to follow Sins because they were too good. And then Cybil came out and she had this huge overcoat on and she was so hot and sweaty you could see the steam coming off her head. We were like, “Cybil, you were so good!” and we hugged her and we all sat on the curb and Cybil rested her chin on her knees and picked at her shoes and tried to ignore all the people that were staring at her.

Then Kevin showed up but he had missed Sins of Our Fathers and he was drunk. And then Pax played and they were good too but in their usual goofy way and not as intense and you could tell right away that people lost interest. That was really the difference because Thriftstore Apocalypse used to be goofy like that but Sins of Our Fathers sure weren't. Because what people wanted was something intense and real and not just someone making a joke out of everything. But I still went in and Kevin was dancing around and I started dancing too. And then we started making out and he was
pretty drunk and we fell over the front of the stage and Nick Pax dedicated a song to us. And then we went to Kevin's car and made out and he put his hands in my panties and kissed my neck and he was making me really horny. He had a condom and we tried to do it but we couldn't get a good position. So then I made him sit in the back seat and I straddled him and that worked, sort of, but it wasn't that comfortable and it never really felt that good.