Girl (11 page)

Rebecca and I left at quarter to one and we zoomed through town and then out Highway 27 and onto Shelby Road and at the big intersection there was a car across from us full of people and a boy was hanging out the window yelling “Hillside rules!” So I guess we beat Camden at football. And we raced home and I sniffed myself for cigarette smoke and jammed pieces of gum in my mouth and we got to my house at ten after and I ran in and my dad was asleep in front of the TV. Thank God. I went upstairs and stripped out of my clothes and jumped in bed but I was way too excited to sleep. So I put on Girl Patrol and laid there thinking about Kevin and Doug and mysterious Carla and the black girl with dreadlocks and the stupid flannel boys and scary Luke and the Bender guy from San Francisco and all the weird people at the party and most of all, even though I was trying not to, I kept thinking about Todd Sparrow and the cigarettes and remembering how he touched my hand when he showed me how to hold it.

·    ·    ·

On Saturday I went downtown with Rebecca and we went to Scamp's and we were hoping we might see someone from Outer Limits but it was all normal people downtown, like no cool people would even go there on Saturday. And we wondered if Kevin and Doug would call and Rebecca said that the real question was Todd Sparrow and I was like what do you mean? She said he totally liked me and I was like, “No way!” And she said
yes
and I told her she was crazy. But then she got really quiet and she was scraping the last of her yogurt out of her cup and not looking at me and I wondered if it could be true.

And then on Sunday Kevin called and his friend Doug was going back to Oregon State and did we want to hang out and see him off? We did and it was fun because we had cappuccinos at Metro Mall and then walked around by the bus station and Rebecca kept tagging along beside Doug and asking him questions and totally putting the moves on him. And then when his bus came she gave him this big kiss and Kevin looked at me and I knew he wanted to kiss me too but he was afraid so nothing happened.

But then the next day he called me and invited me to a movie and afterward he kissed me right away and then we made out for an hour. We went out a couple more times and then on Halloween we went to a party of Learning Center people and everyone was on drugs except us. And that night we tried to have sex in his car but it was difficult and it was over before it really began. And afterward Kevin was getting all weird about Cybil and the Outer Limits scene and he said he thought it was okay to screw around like that when you were in high school but a real artist had to be more serious and I said that Cybil to me was the most real artist that could ever be since she spoke straight from her soul. And he said that music wasn't really art and we argued about it and I guess he felt bad because he couldn't have sex very long.

·    ·    ·

And then I had to do this horrible history report and my parents started letting me have the car to go to the downtown library. And I bought a pack of cigarettes to have an excuse to stand outside and I always watched for Todd Sparrow but it was November and cold and raining every day so I couldn't stay out there very long. And when the library closed I'd go to Scamp's and eat frozen yogurt. And I'd sit by the window and watch people and wonder where Todd might be. And it was so weird because with Brad I wanted so badly to love him but I couldn't and with Todd I
didn't
want to love him but it was happening anyway and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

At Christmas
my brother, James, brought his wife, Emily, to visit. I came home from school and everyone was sitting around the kitchen table and Emily was totally pregnant and she looked like she had a beach ball under her dress. And I always liked seeing James but Emily bugged me and whenever they visited everything started to smell like her. And the way they gushed over her pregnancy was so disgusting. And she kept smiling at me like we were
sisters
and sometimes she'd make fun of James or call him “Jaimie,” and want me to go along with it and I was just like, excuse me,
James is my brother,
who are you
? And no one said it but they all looked at her belly and then at my belly and I was just like,
don't even think about it
.

Then on the last school day before vacation it went around that this anorexic freshman girl had tried to kill herself and was in the hospital and everyone was freaking out. Mrs. Schroeder, who did suicide awareness, was making all her health classes write in this huge card. But no one wanted to because they didn't know what to write and if they wrote something and they weren't really friends with her wouldn't it seem fake? And wouldn't that just remind her that she didn't really have any friends and wouldn't that make it worse? Mrs. Schroeder didn't seem to understand this and she told everyone how horrible they were and then she sent a bunch of people to Mrs. Katz's office. Everyone was whispering about it and me and Cybil walked by her classroom on the way to lunch and Mrs. Schroeder was practically crying and Mrs. Katz was yelling at people and it was just a mess.

Then I went Christmas shopping for my brother. I wanted to go to Sunset Mall but Darcy and Wendy were both working there over Christmas and I was dressed really stupid and I didn't want them to see me. So I went to the Sherwood Oaks Mall but they didn't have anything good so I went downtown. And after all the times I'd gotten dressed up to go to the library or Metro Mall or even just to drive by Outer Limits, here I was in my boringest pair of jeans and my prissy Keds and this dumb sweatshirt and I was rushing through Kruger's and who was standing there but Todd Sparrow and Carla. Of course Carla looked stunning and Todd had a cool leather trench coat and I tried to sneak past but he
grabbed
my arm and I just about died of embarrassment. And then he asked me how come
me and Cybil didn't come see Color Green at a Christmas benefit thing because he thought we'd be there and he looked for us. I hadn't even heard about it and I was getting all nervous and apologizing and explaining why I was dressed so stupid. And Todd was like, “It's all right, Andrea. Everything is all right.” So I calmed down and I told them I was looking for something for my brother and I described James and Todd said, “What kind of music does he like?” I didn't really know and Carla said she got her brother a special pipe from Turkey to smoke pot in and I just stared at her. And then they invited me upstairs to the coffee shop and it was so weird because all these yuppies and suburban types were jammed in there and getting all frantic with the Christmas rush but Todd and Carla were so calm and mellowing everyone out with their cool style. We sat in the smoking section and Carla smoked her cigarette exactly like “The Bitch” that Todd had described but I was so surprised because she was actually very nice and sort of odd. Like we were talking about Todd's benefit show and she seemed like she was listening but then she said, “How about
Love Signs
? Is your brother into astrology?” And she kept shrugging, even when she didn't mean to, like a nervous tick. And you could tell she wasn't just
trying
to be weird. And you could also tell how Todd looked out for her and how they must hang around together all the time.

But then the manager came over and you were only allowed fifteen minutes and he kicked us out. So we went back down the escalator and then they left and Carla waved to me and I couldn't believe how all this time I thought she was a bitch. And then I looked down at my stupid outfit and it was so embarrassing but they didn't even care! And it just proved how suburban I was and how image-conscious and shallow and how cool they were to not laugh at me. And then I went
to Poor Boy Records and I felt totally energized and so cool because I had just had coffee with Todd and Carla and I was looking at posters and smiling at everyone and just having the best time!

On Christmas Eve Rebecca came over during the day and we baked cookies with my mom and Emily while James and my dad watched football on TV. Rebecca did most of the talking and Emily argued with us about feminism and said we were “young women” and not “girls” and I was like,
I'll just stay a girl as long as I can, thank you very much
. But I didn't say it. And then James came over and snuck cookie batter with his fingers and Emily whacked him with her spoon like he was a dog. And then she smiled at us like,
See how you train them
? But I was like,
Someone should train you
!

After that I walked Rebecca to her car and we had a long talk in my driveway. I told her about seeing Todd and Carla and I asked her if we could ever transcend our suburban upbringing and be as worldly as they were. She said of course we could and she gave me this little pep talk about how our lives were just beginning. Then we discussed what a creep Emily was and what was James thinking marrying her? Rebecca said she'd love to meet an older man and we talked about sex and how Hillside guys were too boring but Outer Limits guys were too scary. And then she gave me a big hug and said Merry Christmas and she said how glad she was that we were best friends now and I said, “Me too.”

That night James got totally drunk and almost fell over the coffee table and my parents pretended not to notice. And then Emily was whining to my mom about her hard life and I swear, just the sound of her voice gave me a headache. And then Kevin called and wished me Merry Christmas and told me Doug was home for Christmas and would me and Rebecca
like to do something? I said, “I guess.” He said, “You guess?” And then we had a fight because he didn't think I wanted to but of course I did, I was just thinking about other things.

Christmas itself was pretty boring. I got some black jeans, which I needed, and a hundred-dollar gift certificate at Image since my parents didn't realize I had transcended it. James gave me some woolly socks to go with my new granny look which was becoming a family joke. Emily gave me some black leather gloves that looked pretty expensive and I didn't know what to say since I hadn't got her anything. And afterward we ate and James watched football and fell asleep. And Dad read the paper and Mom and Emily made a turkey and I called Rebecca and asked her what she got. And then we talked about our double date with Kevin and Doug and what if Doug had a girlfriend at college and wanted Rebecca to be his out-of-town
mistress
? And then we talked about college and how everyone must have constant sex. And then we wondered if you could have sex when you were pregnant and why was Emily so obnoxious and would we be like that if we got pregnant, which of course we never would.

Later that week we went out with Kevin and Doug. Doug's parents were in Costa Rica so we went to his house. It was in the woods and pretty fancy and they had MTV and this huge living room with a loft and stuff. But there was something sort of cold about it. Like you could turn on these floodlights in the backyard but all that was back there was some scraggly trees and a lot of mud. Doug paid a lot of attention to Rebecca and made us drinks and was very suave and college-ish. And we watched MTV and HBO and part of a sex video. Then we took a hot tub except of course we didn't bring our swimsuits and we had to go naked. So we made the boys wait outside and we got in first and they came in wearing towels
and I didn't look at their penises but I think Rebecca did. And then we all sat there and it was really quiet in the house and just the gurgling sound of the bubbles and I smiled at Kevin a lot but nobody really talked.

We had sex of course. That was the whole point of the night. Me and Kevin went in Doug's parents' room and I was so horny for some reason and he went pretty long and then after that I put it in my mouth and tried to get it going again because that's what Rebecca told me but it didn't work. So we just laid there and listened to the rain on the windows. And then it got hard again and I put a condom on it and put it in my mouth just to see what it was like but the condom was all slimy from lubricant and it was gross. Then we did it again and did positions and I got on top of him and he made little whimpering noises. Afterward I got one of Rebecca's cigarettes and sat in the bed naked and did “The Bitch.” And then I made one up myself, “After Sex,” and I thought about Todd and if I would ever see him again and Kevin was telling me I shouldn't start smoking but I wasn't even listening.

But then driving home Rebecca was totally freaking out because Doug put it inside her before he put the rubber on and even though it was just for a second they told us in health class that a little bit of sperm comes out at the beginning and did I think she'd get pregnant? I didn't know. She also said that Doug was really fast and didn't give her any foreplay and maybe it was date rape. But since she wanted to she guessed it wasn't. And all the way home it rained and Rebecca worried about getting pregnant and I kept sniffing myself and wondering if I smelled like sex or cigarettes.

Back at school everyone talked about what they got for Christmas. Julie Cavanaugh got a car and Darcy got a new
Gap dress and I heard these two sophomore girls talking about a big Christmas party at Renee Hatfield's. And Cybil had dyed her hair blond but if you tried to talk to her about it she was like, “So I dyed my hair, big deal.” But she did want to hear my story of meeting Todd Sparrow and Carla at Kruger's. And she said, “See? You don't think you're that cool but Todd Sparrow knows you are.” So then we talked about how only people who are totally secure in their own coolness can afford to acknowledge it in others. But what about Carla? We talked about her too and Cybil said she was an enigma because she looked so aloof but when you talked to her it was like she was mentally retarded. And I said how she always shrugged and it was like a nervous tick. And Cybil said she seemed pretty intense and I said how nice she was and how she thought up present ideas for my brother. And then we both reflected on how interesting their lives must be and how we were stuck at boring Hillside.