Girl (12 page)

And then the next day all these rumors went around about the anorexic girl who tried to kill herself. It turned out she died over vacation because after she went home from the hospital she wasn't eating and then she went into the woods along Cutter's Ridge and got lost and they found her and she'd fainted from starvation and she was all wet from the rain and she just died. And it was so weird because they announced it at lunch and the whole cafeteria went silent and everyone looked out the windows at the rain falling down.

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And then one day
at school Cybil was in study hall and I snuck in and sat behind her and just sort of watched her and it was so weird because even though she was now this cool singer in a band there was still something in her shoulders and neck that reminded you of what she really was. A jock. Everybody forgot about that when she shaved her head and started doing her music. But she was. The first time I ever saw her was playing soccer in gym class freshman year. This girl Megan Carter was the goalie and I was on defense and Cybil would dribble past us and kick it in from anywhere she wanted. And Megan would scream at us to stop her but no one could. And I remembered how confident Cybil seemed and how graceful she was in everything she did. And it was weird because jocks and cool people were supposed to be on opposite sides but if you watched Todd Sparrow walk down the street or go on stage or do anything he had that same gracefulness. And just like Cybil seemed in slow motion when she was creaming us at soccer, Todd had this perfect relaxedness in his shoulders. Like he could catch anything you threw at him from any direction. Now that I thought about it, Wendy Simpson was in that gym class. She never did anything though. And all the girls hated it because it was first period and they would be all dressed up for school and then they'd have to get all sweaty and take gross gym showers. And they always made us play soccer on the softball field so we wouldn't mess up the precious Football Practice Field. The softball field was at the very edge of the school
grounds and every time the ball went out of bounds it rolled down the bank and into the woods and there we'd be, these sleepyhead freshmen girls stepping through the dewy grass looking for the soccer ball. And the sun would be coming up and the birds would be chirping and sometimes we'd just give up and sit on the bank until Mrs. Parmeter would come yell at us. And I remembered one time looking up the bank and Cybil was standing on top of the hill picking dirt out of her shoes and watching the other girls look for the ball she had kicked so hard and so far into the woods.

In the next couple weeks I pretty much went for the “Granny look” as my mother called it. Me and Rebecca were about the same size and we pooled our stuff and Rebecca had her eye prescription put in some vintage horn-rimmed frames, which looked so great that I asked my mom if I could have glasses but she said no. And we went to HOP! every day for a week and we made a pact that we would never wear Image clothes and we traded all our Image stuff in at HOP! because if all you had was cool clothes then you would have to dress cool everyday whether you felt like it or not. And then Kevin started taking us to Monte Carlo and trying to fix Rebecca up with different boys. One night we were there and we saw Darcy and Wendy and they were actually nice to me and I talked to Darcy for a while and she'd finally done it with this boy Troy Lonsdale who went to Bradley Day School. She said how it really wasn't that big of a deal, was it? I said, “I guess not,” and we talked about boys and stuff but not too much and I was relieved to get away from her.

And then one day this strange-looking boy came over to Rebecca and me at lunch and he said he was a sophomore transfer student and could he sit with us? We sort of shrugged and he sat down and he had a Cyanide T-shirt and long hair and a silver stud in his nose. He said he was from
Seattle and he asked us about the local scene, I guess because we looked more into it than anybody else in the cafeteria. So we told him about Outer Limits and Sins of Our Fathers and described Cybil to him. And he kept asking us stuff so we told him about hanging out with Color Green and he totally did not believe it and he scoffed and said, “Like Todd Sparrow, like
that
Color Green?” We acted very offended and said, “Yes,
that
Color Green.” And he was totally impressed and he said Color Green was practically his favorite band. And he apologized and said he thought by how we were dressed we would be more into folk-pop or English stuff and that Color Green was more influenced by eighties Hardcore groups like Cyanide and Hammerheads or industrial stuff like Mirage or Positive Space. We didn't know those bands so we said we weren't into labeling people or putting them in categories and we liked Color Green because they were our friends and they took us to cool parties. And he was like, “They take you to parties?” and he still didn't quite believe it but he said, “Okay. Sure. Cool.”

His name was Matthew Frohnmeyer and the next day he sat with us again. He told us he played guitar in a band called Seed Machine in Seattle but they weren't for real and he'd like to get in a real band here in Portland and what should he do? We said go to Outer Limits or talk to Cybil. He did. And then Cybil called me that night and asked me about him because he just walked right up to her and asked if he could be in their band. And Richard was already thinking they needed a bass player and he wanted to try him out. But Cybil was nervous because then it would be three boy musicians with a girl lead singer which was the worst kind of band and made you feel like a stripper or something.

And then I called Rebecca and she had just got off the phone with Matthew and he had asked her out! And the reason
he gave was because he liked her glasses! I told her that he was already trying to get into Cybil's band and did she think he was cute and what about the stud in his nose because the only other Hillside person who had a nose ring was skanky Betsy Warren and Rebecca said that Marjorie had one too and it was just so small you didn't see it and that she had seen a freshman girl with one and lots of people at Monte Carlo had them. So then we had a long discussion about nose rings and if they left a scar and how could you blow your nose? And then we talked some more about Matthew and how bold he was and if he was cute or not and we couldn't really decide but it was clear he was not going to be just another Hillside student.

Rebecca did not go out with Matthew right away because she thought she should make him wait. But then she saw him talking to Wendy Simpson and everybody knew she went for younger guys. So she invited him to a movie and she was nervous and nothing much happened except they talked a lot and mostly about music and Matthew kept saying what a great guitar player he was. And the next day Cybil came with us to Taco Time to discuss Matthew Frohnmeyer and what his deal was and we all agreed he had a big ego because he came from Seattle which had the hugest scene and about a million famous bands. And Cybil said Richard talked to him on the phone and they were going to set up a practice to see if he could play bass. And then Cybil said one of
us
should learn to play bass, that Richard could teach us and it was easy. But Rebecca flunked piano lessons and I got stage fright so bad I couldn't even sing in the choir. And Cybil frowned and swirled her ice around in her cup and you could tell she thought we were chicken.

And even though I had lots of cool clothes now, my cow dress was still my favorite and I was always fixing it because
it was falling apart. And all these years my mom had tried to teach me about sewing and I would never learn but now I was always asking her stuff and I was getting to be an expert. And I always wore it downtown and the people at the library probably thought it was the only thing I owned. I was going there a lot now because I was getting my parents' car all the time and the reason for that was I had finally found the ultimate parental bargaining chip: college.

My parents had never really thought about where I'd go to college but then our college counselor, Mr. Perry, called them and with my grades and my PSATs he said I could go to a good college. And it was weird because James went to University of Oregon and everyone assumed I would too. But people at school were talking about going back east or to California and Mr. Perry was doing these little presentations about different colleges and it sounded sort of fun. But then Mitzi Berkowitz's parents came in and yelled at Mr. Perry because stupid Mitzi
had
to get into Stanford and there was this big controversy because more people at Camden went to good colleges and they were our big rivals. And that started a rumor that Mr. Perry would get fired if he didn't get people into the Ivy Leagues. And then Cynthia Carmichael wrote an editorial in
Hillsider
about how cool Mr. Perry was and would students please keep their parents on a leash when visiting the college counselor, which was a total face on Mitzi Berkowitz and almost got Cynthia Carmichael kicked off the paper.

But the main thing was that my parents were supposed to encourage me, which I convinced them meant giving me the car. I'd say I had to go downtown to study or look at catalogs or do some “outside reading” which was another thing Mr. Perry told them I should do. And really, I felt bad because my parents were so proud and getting so hopeful and all I did
was go to Scamp's and eat frozen yogurt. And wear my cow dress. And hope Todd Sparrow would walk by. And I was almost seventeen and my parents were getting old, especially my mom, and my brother, James, was stuck with Emily and her new baby and everyone was looking at me like I was their last chance to do something good.

And then one day I saw Carla in the Metro Mall. She was having coffee and smoking a cigarette and talking to this weird man with slicked-back hair. I had my cow dress on and I was coming out of Scamp's and the minute I saw her I almost chickened out because even if Carla was nicer than you thought she was still pretty scary. But I walked over and I said, “Hi, Carla,” as nice as I could. She sort of looked at me and the man with the slicked-back hair looked at me and he had pock marks and he was extremely scary. And then she remembered who I was and she said hi and I asked if Todd was around. She said he was over at Poor Boy Records and he was coming back if I wanted to hang out. But I said I had to put money in my parking meter and maybe I'd catch him on my way out. And she said okay and I smiled and waved and casually walked away.

Outside I just ran. I ran down the steps and around the corner and almost crashed into two heavy-metal boys. I got across the street and hurried along the sidewalk toward Poor Boy Records. I checked myself in the windows and decided I looked pretty cute. At Poor Boy I opened the door and the little bell jingled and there was Todd. His back was to me and he was flipping through records and my heart was racing and I couldn't think of what to do. So I circled around the row he was looking at and came up the other side until I was right in front of him. His face was so serious and concentrated I didn't want to disturb him but then he looked up and he jumped and he said, “Jesus, Andrea!” And he looked at me
and I tried to say something but it was hopeless. My brain was in total confusion. And I looked at the ceiling and the ground and twisted around on my heel and it was so embarrassing. Then he asked me what I was doing and I said I didn't know and he said, “You really don't, do you?” So I said I was going home and I saw Carla and I just wanted to say hi and I was just heading back to my car and Carla said he was here and I was just walking by and blah blah and I was babbling like the biggest idiot. He said, “It's all right, Andrea, everything is all right.”

So then he started showing me record covers because this guy named Buzz Mitchell in Seattle wanted to record his band. I said, “Like a record contract?” which was perfect because he started talking about Buzz Mitchell and explaining all the politics and I could relax. And I went over on his side and he showed me stuff and told me about cover art and asked me which covers I liked. And our shoulders were touching and it was so obvious something was going to happen. And then I drove us to his house and he took me in his room and took off my cow dress and put it inside me so fast I hardly knew what was happening.

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After sex,
Todd told me his life story. He was born twenty-two years before in San Diego and his dad was in the Air Force and they lived in San Diego and Virginia and Seattle and Texas. Then his parents got divorced and he lived with his mom in Fresno and he went to high school there and it was all these redneck types and he always got in fights and then he dropped out his senior year and moved to Chicago with an older woman. Then he moved to Seattle to play music and he got a new girlfriend who he really loved but she was sort of crazy and into drugs and she started doing heroin. And it was getting too weird so Todd left and moved to Portland to try to forget her. In Portland he got a job at a bakery and he met this rich guy who took him to L.A. where he met Luke at a Cyanide show. And Luke's dad was totally brutal and would beat him so he latched onto Todd and they came up to Portland and formed a band called Coma. Coma played some places but they weren't very good and Luke was only seventeen and he was freaking out so he went back to L.A. And then Todd went back to Seattle because he still loved his girlfriend and he thought he could help her but she was still on heroin and then one night these guys came and tried to get money out of her and they put a gun to Todd's head and he had to give them all his money and his guitar and everything he had. So then he left, he just walked out into the streets. And he had no place to stay and nothing to eat and then these skinheads found him and fed him and showed him how to
hop a freight train back to Portland. And at first he was panhandling and stealing food and sneaking into basements to sleep but then he met Carla and he lived with her. Then he got a job at a health food store where this hippie woman was always trying to seduce him. Finally he saved up enough money to get a new guitar and then Luke showed up with a bunch of money he stole from his dad. So they re-formed Coma and wrote some songs and went back to L.A. to get signed to a record contract but everyone there was full of shit and on drugs and trying to rip them off. And Todd had a job cleaning pools and he'd see all these rich people having sex with their maids and then this black guy who was an ex-baseball player was totally on crack and started chasing him around the pool with a golf club and Todd had to dive over a fence and he broke his arm and the baseball guy gave him $10,000 not to sue. So then he and Luke tried to make a record but they just got ripped off and then they started doing drugs and blowing all their money on clothes and stuff and then one night it was pouring down rain and they were on mushrooms and standing on top of their building and they saw the police shoot this black guy about twenty times for no reason. And then they started getting paranoid that the cops were after
them
so they snuck out of L.A. and came back to Portland where they would be safe and they could do their band in peace. And this time they were just going to concentrate on the music and forget about all the record industry stuff because they already saw where that road led. And besides, if it was in your soul to do it fate would take you there and everything else was just a test to see if you were the real thing.