Girl (8 page)

During the final week Brad gave me the bullet he stole from the gun in the pickup. It was gold and gray and the top was soft and you could make marks on it with your fingernail. He gave it to me at the lake. The camp had pretty much emptied and the woods were especially dark and quiet and we had sex and then he told me about this Krokus song called “Destiny” that he wanted to be our song and he made me listen to it about six times on his Walkman. And I kept saying I liked it but he never really believed me. And he asked me what kind of music I liked and I said, “Lots of different kinds,” though to be honest heavy metal wasn't my favorite.

·    ·    ·

And then the last couple days were really hard because there was so much work cleaning up the camp and then we didn't sleep because every night we went to the lake to have sex. And by the last morning I was so exhausted from everything and it was about a hundred degrees and I could hardly crawl out of my bunk. But I did and I started packing and I felt so gross and all my clothes were filthy and they wouldn't fit in my bag and then I got so mad I had a fit and threw my stuff on the floor and then I started crying. And when I finally made it to breakfast Brad was there and I could hardly look at him. But he stayed with me and drank coffee while I ate and that made me feel better.

After breakfast Brad gave me a big hug outside the lodge and we held hands on the gravel path and by the time we got back to the cabin I was so happy. Brad sat on my bed while I packed and when I was done I sat on his lap and kissed his face and brushed his bangs back so I could look into his eyes. Then I rested my head on his shoulder and he rocked me back and forth and I closed my eyes and I could have stayed just like that forever.

But somewhere in the back of my mind I was relieved. I wouldn't let myself think about it but in some far back part of myself I was already back home telling Darcy about my adventures and sitting with Cybil at Taco Time and wearing vintage dresses and being a junior at Hillside and meeting new boys and all with a new confidence because I was not a virgin anymore.

I got packed and we took my stuff over to the main lodge where Mr. Fitch was driving us to Harper's Ferry to get the Greyhound. Brad carried my duffel bag and then we got pops from the machine and Brad got me an orange pop, which was
my favorite. And we sat on the log bench on the porch and other people started coming, including Karen, who was the last of the counselors. She looked tired too but clean and showered and with perfect clothes and she smiled up at Brad and me like we were an official camp couple, which I guess we had become. And then Brad gave me the Krokus tape and I told him he should keep it but he said he had the cd and he could make his own tape. And then he wanted me to take his Walkman on the bus but I wouldn't and then he got really weird like did I think he couldn't afford another Walkman? And Karen was watching so I took the Walkman and thanked him and touched his blond hair and he kissed me and it was so sad.

And it was so hot. And my jeans were so dirty they were making my legs itch. And my T-shirt was totally pitted and stinky. And then Mr. Fitch didn't show up and everybody was waiting and me and Brad had already said good-bye so many times there was nothing left to do but sit there. And I was wishing Mr. Fitch would hurry up but when I saw the van come around the corner my heart just sank. The van stopped in the gravel and everybody stood up and Mr. Fitch opened the side door and started putting bags in. I reached for my bag but Brad took it from me and carried it to the van. I followed behind him and watched him put it in and then we were just standing there and I didn't know what to do so I leaned into Brad and put my face in his chest just like I did the first time. And then I started to cry and he pulled me aside and hugged me with so much love I just started sobbing. And I hated myself for thinking of being back at school and for being so calculating and caring about my virginity and thinking he wasn't cute when he
loved
me and I loved him and what kind of person was I? The whole thing was killing me and I squeezed him so tight and when I lifted my head up there was snot on my face and tears and he kept kissing me
and holding me and the snot was going down my chin and I tried to wipe it on my shirt and it was so awful.

Somehow I got in the van. It was like an oven. And everything smelled of dust and gravel and hot upholstery. And I wiped my eyes and everyone stared at me and Brad stepped back from the window while Mr. Fitch shut the door. And Brad was brown in the sun and I watched his deep smile lines and his blond hair and freckles and the sad skinniness of his face. And he kept backing away from the van and then his expression turned hard and he stared straight in at me and then he ripped himself away, he jerked himself around and ran up the lodge steps. And I watched his bony shoulders and his denim butt and the heels of his boots disappear into the lodge and then the van jerked forward and I just cried. And it was so embarrassing but Karen was nice and of course she had some tissues and she gave me some and then she whispered to me, “You are so lucky to have someone to love.”

At Harper's Ferry the Greyhound bus was late and then it was so crowded some people had to stand up. I sat with a fat woman who was all sweaty and the toilet was spilling or something because the whole bus smelled like restroom disinfectant. And then I tried to sleep but my head kept tipping over and waking me up. At Evanston I was supposed to call my parents but the pay phones were all taken and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. So I went outside and sat on the curb and tried to smoke a cigarette but it tasted terrible and people were frowning at me so I put it out.

When we finally got to Seattle everything was totally fouled up. All the buses were too full or breaking down and everybody was stuck and it was hot and miserable and I sat in one of those TV chairs and fell asleep. Finally I got the 11:30 bus to Portland but it was totally packed and it kept stopping
to deliver packages. I dozed off again and when I woke up it was 1:00 and we were only halfway there. So then I watched these army guys play cards behind me and they talked to me and gave me bites of their donuts. And then I curled up in my seat and listened to Krokus and watched out the window, which was mostly trees and sometimes a barn or the streetlight of some tiny town. And when “Destiny” came on I held Brad's bullet in my hand and I would have cried but the air conditioning was on and the air was so dry and processed it numbed your brain and dried all your tears.

Then it was 2:00
A.M.
I was like in a trance, just so tired and cried out and used up. And we stopped at an overpass and I stepped off the bus and the night was so clear and cold and I stood over the highway and watched the cars and my brain was like a huge echo chamber, totally empty except for the last fading sounds of Brad and camp and the summer. But then back on the bus I could suddenly think again and I thought about Hillside and if there were any boys I could like. But even with millions to choose from it was so complicated and there was so much politics about cliques and who your friends were and who was your type. And as we pulled into Portland I had this horrible feeling of wanting to go back to Brad because what if that's all there was? What if that's as close as you got? And I called my dad from the station and he was freaking out because I hadn't called. So then I just sat there waiting for him, staring at my dirty tennis shoes and thinking how incredibly stupid I was if I expected life to be anything else but failed love and mindless sex and crying all night in bus stations.

I had three days
to get ready for school. The first day I slept and then did laundry and then slept some more and then watched TV. The next day I went to the Sunset Mall to visit Darcy at the Gap. And it was so weird because we had always made fun of retail types but that's exactly what she had become. I mean, not in a bad way, just how professional she was and how efficient she looked running around in her little outfit. The last day I drove downtown to HOP! and there were lots of people there and it was intimidating because I'd been out in the woods all summer and everyone else had been downtown getting cooler by the second. And I still hadn't called Cybil and I was sort of afraid to,
but also I was saving it, like these were the last days of my isolation and I was enjoying how anonymous I felt. And as I walked around downtown I imagined I was with Brad and I was showing him around and explaining my life to him and how I did love him but we were just too different and it never would have worked.

I didn't mind going back to Hillside. I felt at home there. On the first day of school I rode with Darcy and everyone in the parking lot was honking and waving to each other and there was a big gang of people gathered around Renee Hatfield's car, and me and Darcy rolled our eyes because the only thing worse than Renee Hatfield in general was Renee Hatfield,
senior
. And it was weird walking through the parking lot because so much happens and people change so much and you could feel the difference in your status immediately. Now we were juniors. Now we were upperclassmen. And the first couple freshmen we saw looked like little toy people, like little kids at camp except scared because this was the real world, this was
high school
. And we saw this one freshman boy who had really beautiful dark eyes and a cool skater shirt, and me and Darcy whispered that he would be the cutest freshman boy, which was great for freshmen girls but wasn't going to do us any good.

And then we got our lockers and everything had my name on it and not just Andrea Marr but Andrea N. Marr because I had had a little moment of pretentiousness when I filled out my stuff at the end of last year. So now I was Andrea N. Marr and I peeled the tape off my locker and looked down the hall and there was Cybil talking to Rebecca Farnhurst. Cybil had lots of hair now and she had a cool bead necklace and her shirt said “Butt Rock.” And she looked taller and her face looked older and sort of strained. But then she saw me and she smiled this big smile and came running over. And she told
me about Color Green, who played twice over the summer and their guitarist was named Luke and he was from California and the scene was getting really big and there were all these new people and I had to come to Outer Limits to their next show. And then Richard came over and his hair was long and he had a moustache, sort of, and all these straggly hairs coming out of his chin. And it was weird because I was dressed really normal for first day of school and I wasn't really thinking about Outer Limits. And then Cybil pushed Richard away and said, “You have to tell me everything about Brad.” And it was weird because it seemed like she was trying to act really girlish and high school and it wasn't like her and it didn't really work.

At lunch me and Darcy and Cybil and Richard went to Taco Time and I told about Brad and I got the bullet out and Cybil and Richard passed it back and forth and they were quite fascinated by it. And I told about the lake and when we rode into town on his motorcycle and everybody was totally amazed and impressed at how daring I was. And nobody said it but poor Darcy was still a virgin and when I showed her the bullet she hardly looked. All she cared about was Michael, who was the gay boy at Sunset Mall, and everybody said he was gay but Darcy wouldn't accept it because she was obsessed with him. And then Cybil was going on and on about Outer Limits and then Richard said, “Have you guys seen Greg?” We hadn't and he said Greg had dyed his hair and hadn't taken a shower all summer and they didn't know if he had even come to school or if Mrs. Katz would send him home or what.

But it wasn't Greg who had problems that first day. It was Cybil. During last period Mrs. Katz announced on the intercom that no clothing with obscene words or phrases would be allowed at Hillside. And when I got out of class Cybil
wasn't at her locker and people were talking about how Mrs. Renault threw her out of French because of her “Butt Rock” T-shirt. One girl said it was Cybil's own fault for talking back. And everybody asked me but I didn't know anything and another girl said that Mrs. Renault was totally picking on Cybil and everybody saw it and they couldn't do anything because it was going against her rights. But people just scoffed and said this was high school and we didn't have any rights.

And then I went home and my mom was being weird and then she said we had to have a talk when Dad got home. I went to my room and tried to figure out what happened because I had gone to camp and done everything they told me. And then I thought they must have found out I had sex but how could they unless Brad called or got murdered or something? So I started making up this speech about how I used a condom and I was sixteen and that was the national average and everyone at Hillside had done it. But when my dad came home I was totally panicking and hiding in my room and then they called me down and we all went in the living room and my dad turned off the TV. The story was Mrs. Katz had called my mom as a “preventative measure” because my friend Cybil was disruptive and a discipline problem and wore obscene clothing. And Mrs. Katz had said how smart I was and how I wasn't living up to my potential and they were afraid I was getting in with the wrong people and they weren't trying to criticize me, they were just letting my parents know what the situation was. After my mom explained all this I was like, “That's it?” They said yes and I was so relieved I almost started laughing. But my parents were not amused. They were totally serious. They asked me if it was true about Cybil wearing obscene clothing. I said she wore a T-shirt that said “Butt Rock” on it. My mom looked into her lap and my dad looked at me with this pained expression and he said, “What exactly is
Butt Rock
?” And I said it was nothing
and anyway it was just part of the feud between Cybil and Mrs. Renault. But my parents said Mrs. Katz wouldn't be calling them if it was nothing. And I said yes she would because that way she could scare people and cut off Cybil from her friends. But that upset my mom. She said I was showing bad faith and I was getting a bad attitude. And then my dad asked me if Darcy was into Butt Rock and I said no and I honestly tried to explain to them that Butt Rock wasn't anything, I had never heard of it before and Cybil probably just made it up. And anyway you could say “butt” on TV so who cares? And then I got mad and said how the real problem was Mrs. Renault and how she hated Cybil and everybody knew it but Mrs. Katz of course had to take the teachers' side. And then I tried to explain that Cybil was a free spirit and she didn't do drugs and she was in her band with Richard and how Richard was the smartest boy in our whole class and they just did their music and ate carrots, and if Mrs. Katz had a problem with them it was because she hated anything different and it was her own problem that she was so mean and such a bitch.