Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (15 page)

WOMAN: [
I
feel
that’s unnecessary.
]

MAN: [
I don’t know what I
think
about it.
]

WOMAN: [
I don’t know how I
feel
about it.
]

Whether it’s a social construct or not, many women seem to be more nurturing than us. Ask a man to go to the store for bread, and we’ll bring back bread. Ask a woman to go to the store for bread, and she’ll bring back groceries. Not because she’s wasting money–but because on the way out, she noticed the kid’s cereal box was empty; the milk was low, and there wasn’t any dinner for Tuesday. Understanding this basic concept will help us understand our breakdown in communication.

Some of us may be crazy, but we’re not nuts and you damn sure can’t crack us open. Ladies, never attempt to pry or force communication out of a man. The results are similar to prying out teeth, no anesthesia. Be more patient with us, love us harder and show us that we can count on you. If a man and a group of male friends watch TV in complete silence, they might feel they had an intense bonding moment. If a woman and her girlfriends watch TV in complete silence, something might be wrong. Understand that not all men connect through long talks. If we don’t hound you with inquiries, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong – it probably means everything is right.

Don’t ignore us and subsequently get mad at us ignoring you ignoring us. Half of the time, we don’t know what’s going on. This doesn’t insinuate we don’t care or we’re not present in the relationship. It means we don’t enjoy the guessing game. Genuine communication disturbs this type of silly behavior. Don’t get upset with us, and then grow more upset with us for us not knowing why you’re upset with us. Psychics aren’t real, so either try learning the way we communicate or date a psychic. Good luck!

As simple as some of us seemingly are, we understand some ladies just don’t understand us. Take a look at my “Five Communication Do’s & Don’ts” to help you out:

Communication Do’s:

1. Do approach with caution
   . The four words we hate to hear are “We need to talk.” It’s not what you say; it’s how and when you say it.
   
2. Do acknowledge our efforts
   . A lot of men won’t admit it, but we require affirmation just like you. So before you communicate that we’re doing something wrong, recognize what we’re doing right or even that you know we’re trying. We want the same basic things you want. We desire love, and we act out in crazy ways when we don’t get it. We want affection and require the reassurance that we’re doing things right. We want trust and companionship. Instead of shoes, we want sex. And you do, too. We want compliments and long, silent hugs when we’ve reached our limit. We all desire the same things.
   
3. Do be upfront, but not “in your face upfront
   .
   ”
   I know that sometimes women aren’t blunt to protect a man’s ego, but speak matter-of-factly so that we understand the serious tone and nature of the conversation. When we see that a woman is sure and clear about what she wants, we’ll straighten up and take notice. Most men like direct women because most men are direct, but there is truly an art to approaching us so that we not only receive what you’re communicating, but also open up to you.
   
4. Do find the right time we communicate together effectively
   . Timing is everything. Sometimes an issue will arise that requires communication, and since some women and men display emotion differently, she may want to discuss things in the heat of the moment. In the meantime, a logically driven man may want to sleep on it and discuss it when our mind settles. You might not understand our logical argument if you’re arguing emotionally. Forcing communication while emotions are high is like sparking a lighter in a flammable gas factory. The best way to come to a compromise about finding the right time to communicate effectively is by communicating when nothing is wrong.
   
5. Do speak in love and pick your battles
   . Not everything under the sun needs to be communicated. Decide what’s important and what can be figured out over time.
   

Communication Don’ts:

1. Don’t text him ten times a day to ask over and over where the relationship is going
   . You have to strike a healthy balance between letting a man know what you will and won’t tolerate, while still allowing progression to happen naturally. We don’t always go into situations looking for relationships, but we get into them because we recognize a good Lady when we see one. Forcing yourselves onto us creates a force around us that will block you. Set boundaries and state intentions early, and you won’t have to bring up “the talk” at all. We’ll gladly do it for you.
   
2. Don’t
   always
   have something to say
   . Sometimes good communication is simply listening. Just as you need to vent, at times, we need to vent and would like for you just to listen. Be there for us. We might not say it, but we need it.
   
3. Don’t communicate problems in public
   . If you’re out with friends and an issue occurs, keep your class and wait until you’re behind closed doors to discuss it. Maintain your relationship’s privacy and integrity because you’ll eventually forget about your public blow-up, but friends and family won’t. Some of them will be happy to remind you.
   
4. Don’t ignore body language
   . Fifty-five percent of communication is non-verbal, thirty-eight percent is vocal (pitch, speed, volume, tone of voice) and only seven percent is actual words. So listen to what we do. If we’ve scheduled time to talk about something and we look like we’re not in the mood for discussion, but we made an effort to discuss anyway, just change the subject. It can wait.
   
5. Don’t focus on what we’re not saying
   . Forget what you’d like us to say, take us at face value. Most of the time our communication doesn’t require interpretation. As we understand that we’re both saying the same thing, just saying it differently, then we can begin to move forward in understanding one another. Don’t dive deep into shallow water.
   

Communication kills assumptions. The more we attempt to communicate effectively with each other, the more we can begin to love one another properly. Men and women desire the same thing – to be loved. It’s the way in which we seek out love and attention that causes the friction. We may speak different dialects of the same language, but that’s the beauty of it. Love is the language that a deaf woman can hear, and a blind mind can see; it can be tasted without a tongue.

We must kill this senseless Venus vs. Mars act that’s been going on for decades. We need you, and you need us. It’s not Venus vs. Mars; it’s Venus with Mars. Let’s focus on everything right with us, instead of everything wrong with us. Learn to appreciate, enjoy and love our differences instead of shunning them. That’s what makes this life beautiful, and worth it. R.I.P. Assumptions.

Words say a little. Effort says a lot. Doing says it all.

Sometimes the King is a Woman

Sometimes the King is a Woman:
Independence Day

KING

QUEEN

Look around. Sometimes there’s just a Lady. At times, there are no men to wear a crown.

Let’s be honest about independence. Often it’s something that happens to you, not a lifestyle choice. Maybe you were abandoned. Maybe you were left for dead. You have a responsibility to be truthful about it. Show your daughters the tears. Let them see you cry. Allow them to witness your pain. It can be dangerous for independent, strong women to maintain a brave face while putting themselves last, holding back tears and simultaneously holding everything together. It’s dangerous because daughters are watching, and daughters will become adults that mimic your behavior. They can carry the negativity that’s rooted in your independence within their own lives. It’s important to show them both sides of the story. Most kings get their heads cut off.

Sometimes independence is freedom, a necessary separation from a captor or pure self-reliance. It can turn out beautifully if you let it.

We claim women are becoming
too
independent, but who’s responsible? What’s too independent, anyway? When you can’t rely on your significant other, you’re insignificant to them, and it’s time for another. It seems men’s duties are being outsourced. Are women slowly becoming the men they desire? You’re beginning to step in for your fathers and your relationships. Has it all gone too far?

Perhaps the advancement of women is a positive outcome due to the lack of chivalry from men. A Lady, who doesn’t depend on a man to change her tires, start her fires and kill her spiders is a Lady well equipped for the world. Learn what you need to know to live. Basic survival skills don’t depend on any man. An independent Lady knows no limits.

Powerful women only scare weak men

Turn down your worth for no one! Life is about balance and sometimes the experience is just better with a woman on top! Your independence doesn’t need to be plastered on a t-shirt or thrown in our faces. Carry it with honor, but carry it with humility. If we’re ever to get back to a place of community interdependence, you must walk lightly. Attempting to insult or emasculate a man by saying he’s acting like a woman is a subconscious display of your own thoughts about yourself. It insinuates that you believe women are a weak sex. None of which is true, but you often subconsciously reinforce this patriarchal message and don’t even know it. Think about the message you’re sending.

In modern society, kings are people regarded as the finest and most important in their sphere
.
Sometimes the king is a woman. She’s the presidential candidate and the CEO. She’s the executive exercising etiquette in the office, then exercising at the gym on her lunch break. She understands that men aren’t the sole cause of her problems and aren’t the answer to her problems, either. She selflessly takes personal responsibility for all actions. It’s OK to resist that which you question, but be leery of rebelling for the sake of rebellion. Don’t swing a sword simply because a sword is in your scabbard. You’re mighty, but don’t fight the wrong cause. Know when to speak up and know when to shut up. Your words or silence can help or harm. Don’t abuse your power. Use it to open doors for others to facilitate necessary change.

Don’t let her independence fool you…she still wants to be courted

You might be single, secure and satisfied, but sometimes you just want to go out on a cool date and be treated like a Lady. As independent as some women are, they adore chivalry. Life isn’t supposed to be lived without us. The world is a colder place without men of valor. Chivalry is that scarf when you didn’t realize how unforgiving London winters can be–you might think you’re good without it, but you surely appreciate it when it’s there.

The “S” Word

Don’t be scared of submission or scared into submission. I wish couples understood the “S” word isn’t a curse. The problem with the word is that it brings back bad memories of improper usage and triggers negative emotions. Historically, women submitted to men in ways that weren’t honorable. Submission is equated to a loss of power. Why would women want to give up what they’ve worked so hard to gain? Submission requires yielding, humility and a partner. Something about that recipe sounds like a disaster to most.

Men and women should both submit to each other. Men must yield to their wives as well. Most of us conveniently leave that part out. Submission is intended for marital relationships where each partner is required to daily die of self and surrender to one another. Marriage requires balance that involves giving in to your partner for the betterment of the union. All thoughts, opinions and decisions matter in marriage. You should only want someone you’re willing to submit to. Why would you marry someone whose direction you don’t trust? I question your ability to properly select a mate if you can’t submit to your mate.