Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (6 page)

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Chivalry is for Ladies, too
:
Chivalry is a term often debated and sometimes hated with a meaning no one seems to agree upon. Historically, chivalry originated between the 11
^th
and 15
^th
centuries as a knight’s moral code to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves (children, elders and widows). The definition has since dropped its original intent and simply means the respect and honor of women. However, there are some women who view chivalry as an insult. When looking at its original definition coupled with its current meaning, it might seem that chivalry is indeed suggesting women are helpless and dependent on men. And that’s where the problem lies. Chivalry was originally intended for babies, kids, old people and women whose husbands had died. During this period, most husbands were the sole providers for their families and if they perished, assistance was needed. People are mixing one part of the old definition with another part of the current one. We know women are capable of the same life skills as men. Chivalry isn’t about male dominance.
In the 21
^st
century, chivalry should just mean honoring the opposite sex. In relationships, chivalry shows a mutual respect for your partner. In everyday life, chivalry strengthens men and women’s relations. Whether or not you believe in gender roles, they shouldn’t shape social norms around courteous behaviors. Holding open doors today is more about courtesy and less about helping the defenseless. Courteous behavior isn’t limited to men. Chivalry is for Ladies, too.

Here are eight easy ways a Lady can be chivalrous:

• Massages after a long day is chivalrous.
  
• After we open your car door and let you in, lean over and push the driver’s side door open. It’s a literal thank you, a reciprocating gesture that shows equal respect. That’s good chivalry.
  
• If you’re on the driver’s side and we pump your gas, wait until we walk around to the passenger’s side of the car before you start the engine, so exhaust fumes don’t get all over us. That’s chivalrous.
  
• When it’s cold, and we offer you our jacket, offer us your scarf or a hug to keep us warm. Very chivalrous.
  
• Calling to see if you can pick up anything to eat on the way home after we’ve had a long day is a display of chivalry.
  
• If he’s been a great partner in the relationship, take him out on a date and attempt to pay. That’s chivalrous.
  
• Offering to do the dishes after we’ve cooked is a sign of chivalry.
  
• If a stranger is struggling for the door, prop it open. Man or woman. Get the point?
  

“CHIVALRY IN PUBLIC MEANS NOTHING WHEN THERE’S A LACK OF RESPECT IN PRIVATE.” –SAMANTHA LUCK

Chivalry isn’t for applause, but when someone displays an honorable gesture toward another, a signal of appreciation is warranted. Though it’s not required, a simple “thank you” is common practice. If you believe the golden rule is to treat others
better
than you want to be treated, you can take it a step further by reciprocating with a kinder action.

There are many things expected of us as gentlemen and we work hard to provide. We’re not looking for praise, just don’t underestimate the value of a thank you or reciprocated gesture. Paraphrased, Galatians 6:7 says, “A (wo)man reaps what (s)he sows.” Therefore, if you require chivalry, then be chivalrous.

Chivalry isn’t intended to demean. Chivalry is a display of love designed to demonstrate admiration and faith in humankind. We understand you can hold open your own door, but we hold open doors because we honor you. It’s entirely natural for a man to want to protect those he loves.

Feminism is about equality. Equality is about being able to make a choice. Being a Lady of choice means you get to make one. Whether a gentlewoman chooses to have a career or stay at home with the kids, she’s the one who makes that decision. A contemporary gentlewoman proud of the inability to cook or clean is ridiculous. Being domestic isn’t a duty, but not knowing how to take care of yourself or others is a disgrace. If you don’t care to be domestic, that’s your choice. If another Lady loves being domestic, that’s her choice. The same women who fought for her to have a choice should never critique her about her decisions. Sometimes the main people setting you back can be your own.

Chivalry is simply courteous behavior. Historically it has been courteous behavior specifically geared toward women. But with progressive advances in the social standing of women over the years, equal treatment is commonplace. Gentlemen deserve to be treated chivalrously by Ladies, too. Chivalry involves courting but extends beyond the boundaries of dating. Chivalry is a way of life. It shows a world that doesn’t give a damn that you do!

You don’t have to agree. As long as the conversation is created, and the people are talking, my job here is done.

Rule n
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7
A successful Lady who wants a successful man isn’t a gold-digger–she’s smart
.
Ironically, those most concerned about gold-diggers have no gold to be dug! The reality is not every woman who wants a fancy meal is a gold-digger, and not every man who refuses to fund that meal is broke. The real issue is if you love him for who he is despite what he has at the moment. We all deserve what we offer and have the
real
potential to offer.

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9
You can’t judge a man by his shoes – billionaire Steve Jobs wore New Balances, and Jesus wore sandals
.
If Mr. Right is right in front of you, you probably missed him because he has on the wrong shoes. It’s all about perspective and at a certain point you must realize what’s truly important. Classic gangsters wore suits…you can’t judge a man by what he wears. We’re all born naked. Fashion is just life’s cool accessory. Don’t get too caught up in the hype.

NOTE:
The urban sophisticate consumes goods that are subtle and not necessarily recognizable by the general public, but by those in the know. His possessions may not always look it, but they cost much more than the flashy man’s bright suit and flashy shoes. Contemporary gentlemen prefer private pleasures to public swagger and keep their personal portfolio privileged. Sorry.

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11
When you make us work, the boys will fade, and the gentleman will remain
.
A Lady hardest to get is the easiest to keep because working hard for something makes us appreciate it that much more. It’s better when it’s earned and more respected when it’s sweated for. This isn’t about being difficult because you can and you’re cute. Who cares...so is she. It’s about insisting that we put real effort in our pursuit because being hard to get is more about fully understanding your worth and refusing to settle, and less about some foolish game you’re playing. Be hard to get, don’t play it. There’s a difference. Figure it out. And when we earn you, honor us, and we’ll forever honor you.

Rule n
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13
Managed entitlements
:
Your existence doesn’t mean you’re owed anything except love, life and the pursuit of happiness. Anything extra is earned. You’re entitled to what you struggle for. Stop expecting anyone to do for you what you’re unwilling to do for yourself. Yes, you’re God’s gift to the world, but so are seven billion others.

Rule n
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15
Texting isn’t courting
.
Everyday text messaging isn’t a real relationship…you two are just pen pals. People need affection. People need feeling. People need hugs. People need people in real life. Let’s get back to basics, people.

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Non-violence
:
A Lady isn’t interested in violence. It’s OK to admit hurt. It’s not OK to retaliate. Resolve that pain instead of acting on it. You’re allowed to be upset about injustice. Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give evil that kind of foothold in your life. What’s the point in beating the bullies if you just take their place?

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Don’t be with him unless you’d be proud to have a son exactly like him
.
And while you’re at it, be the woman you’d want your daughter to be and the Lady you’d want your son to date.

Rule n
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21
Consideration
: Thoughtfulness and sensitivity for others are the core points of what being a gentlewoman is all about. It’s not always all about you. If you order to-go food over the phone and something comes up, call to cancel the order. You’d be surprised at how many people don’t execute that simple gesture. If you work in customer service, always consider your customer and always give great service. This sounds like common sense, but common sense is uncommon. Don’t bring crying babies to rated R movies. If you take out a pack of gum in front of others, offer them a piece. If you’re not in a sharing mood, wait until you’re alone to take it out, or fake a yawn to put it in your mouth. Put yourself in other’s shoes.

Rule n
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23
In a closet full of clothes, you say you have nothing to wear – be that selective in a room full of men
. A single Lady who doesn’t make men her primary focus will always have options – A single Lady who
thirsts
for men will always be single. Men generally focus on women who focus on themselves. You don’t chase love–you attract it. It’s given freely. You don’t have to beg or sell your soul for it. You just have to accept it.

NOTE
: You may feel like you offer a lot, but don’t have many options. You will always have options. Whether or not you like your options is an entirely different story. You should never change your core standards, just your idea of how we think the manifestation of those standards looks.

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Politeness
:
It’s easy to be polite in the company of politeness. The real challenge is maintaining politeness in the company of an ass. Your mood should never dictate your manners.

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Don’t believe the hype that your standards are too high because you desire what you offer
.
Never allow lazy people with no goals and no ambition to convince you of this. Too many women without pets go home to dogs. Release the leash. If he complains about meeting your basic standards and can’t notice a good woman in front of him, perhaps he’ll notice when you’re gone. Your standards don’t mean you’re picky – they just mean you know how to pick. You deserve a gentleman.

Or perhaps you’re in a space where you feel like you offer a lot, but don’t have a lot of options. Listen, you will always have options. Let your standards protect you and never grow weary in well doing. Your story might not be the same as the next woman, but your story is your story, and your story isn’t over. When a woman is truly secure and ready for love, love will find her. You demand things with your words. You command them with your actions. Let your standards speak, and you won’t have to say much...they’ll already know.

NOTE
: Some women
do
have unrealistic standards. They face a world where those standards aren’t met, so they settle and assume there aren’t any good men based on results from searching under impractical pretenses. Don’t be her.

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29
Integrity
:
A gentlewoman of integrity has a strong moral uprightness. She doesn’t allow anyone or anything to compromise her core. Man can’t control her morals, and money won’t sway her. Money can be replaced, but integrity can’t.

Rule n
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Never stop flirting with him, even if he’s yours
.
The occasional inappropriate activity at an inappropriate place and an inappropriate time is entirely appropriate. Don’t be so classy that you’re not a little nasty.

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Nonjudgmental
:
The world is broken and incomplete along with the people in it. No one has arrived. No one is better than anyone else. No one is perfect. Nothing is guaranteed. We’re all out here trying to make it. Pointing your finger at others results in three of your fingers pointing back at you. It’s a beautifully ironic reminder to judge yourself before you judge them.