Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (18 page)

Letisha Bereola is a News Anchor | Reporter | Journalist | Former Makeup Artist

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The Hair:
A woman’s hair is often considered a sense of pride. For some, it’s a symbolic connection to femininity more sacred than we realize. I used to hate weaves. I felt the nation’s economy could be fixed if we got rid of them. When running my fingers through a Ladies’ weave, I felt trapped. I thought tracks only belonged on railroads or records. I was so analytical about weaves that I believed them to be a temporary cover up to a bigger life issue. I was so anti-weave that I would search for tracks like a producer – and if I located one, the party was over!

“I remember when I used to talk trash about women who wore weaves, feeling superior to them. Then I got one...& I shut the hell up.” –Gabrielle Union

I think the problem most men have with weave is that it looks like weave. If you can’t afford to keep it up, take it out. The men I polled suggested that if they couldn’t tell, oh, what the hell. Some men don’t seem to care as long as it looks like her hair. They don’t like for it to be too much and hate it if it’s unable to be touched. Many men claim they prefer a Lady natural, but constantly pass up the woman with a natural. Some men even said that weave implies a woman is lazy. My response is simple: Some of your own mothers who raised badass children like you while holding down two or more jobs wore
convenient
weaves. Are you calling them lazy? Besides, wearing a ball cap is just as
lazy
. Some men even said, “God didn’t make women with weave–it’s unnatural.” He didn’t, but He did create women with personalities and a desire to be expressive. And he didn’t create you to rule over women.

However, some men support a Lady doing whatever she wants to do to feel beautiful. One person surveyed said, “Weave is fine. Any enhancement works as long as she’s not self-conscious of her natural beauty and doesn’t overdo it.” My response is that if she wants to “over-do” it, she can. Why? Well, because it’s her hair. However, one person polled made a great observation by suggesting that most
weavy
women he’s come in contact with are very standoffish about their hair. When it’s time to get intimate, her hair is off limits. Some women like their hair pulled…as long as it can’t be pulled off. The most sensible response was, “Personally, I don’t care. I have more things to worry about, like can she hold an interesting conversation.” What’s in her head is always more important than what’s on it.

In my experience with women, I’ve come to learn that weaves, extensions, wigs and what women chose to do with their hair has nothing to do with me and my opinion. No woman other than my mother has ever had input on my hair, so why should men have input in what a woman decides to do with her hair?

Weaves don’t conclude anything. Like a purse, manicured nails or sexy shoes, a weave is simply an accessory. Sometimes a woman’s decision is as simple as, “I wonder what I’d look like with short hair, but don’t want to cut it.” Or, “I wonder what my hair would look like blonde without my having to dye and damage it.” It’s a fun and creative way to experiment with hair. No woman should be penalized for discovering herself. If weave is done correctly and maintained, weave can promote healthy hair by giving it a break. It took this kind of understanding for me to give ladies’ hair a break.

But your hair should never determine your quality of life. If you can’t jump in a swimming pool when you want, kiss in the rain or sweat in the gym, you’re not fully living. Let your weave help you, not hinder you. Some women do, in fact, let their hair define them. If you fall victim to this trap, your self-esteem becomes a contingency. To let your worth be determined by what’s on your head and not what’s in it is a tragedy. Take into consideration what your man likes and dislikes, but ultimately do what makes you satisfied. Be as comfortable, confident and sexy with or without weave.

Gentlemen reading, this is for you:
Most of your celebrity crushes and thousands of beautiful women sport a weave. Are they suddenly undesirable because of this? We have every right to not want to date a woman with a weave because it’s a simple matter of preference. But to go as far as labeling women or making assumptions about their security and how they view themselves is way off base. Your mom probably wears a weave and your grandma might own two wigs.
Don’t for one moment pretend to be the greater gender – if you’re driving a friend’s car like it’s yours don’t worry about her hair and if it’s hers. Unless you’re her hairdresser, stay the hell out of her head.

Us men may never fully understand why some women decide to place copious amounts of unfamiliar hair from India or Brazil atop their head and let it simmer for one to two months. Perhaps it’s not for us to understand. Men do men things and women do women things. Not everything is to be understood by everyone because not everything is for everybody. But all must understand one thing – weaves have expiration dates!

The reality is not every woman experiences hair the same way. Some will experience hair loss to aging, stress, genetics, hormones and more. Various hair chemicals can also cause increased breakage that lead to hair loss. Then there’s chemotherapy, alopecia, lupus and more. Without hair, you still wear your crown. You’re still 100 percent woman.

GROOMING.

A Lady’s true organization is commonly revealed in her home. If you don’t keep your bathroom clean, some would assume you don’t keep your
back room
clean.

Body Hair:
In western society, many women consider it appropriate to have the hair on their legs and armpits shaved. If you decide to keep it, be sure to treat it. You’re the boss, but your body hair is like an employee – manage it! All human hair requires maintenance to maintain its health. If you’re in a relationship and care about the opinion of your significant other, ask your lover’s opinion. If body hair doesn’t turn your lover on, maybe it’s time to mow the lawn. It’s your body and your choice.

Antiperspirant/Deodorant:
When wearing dark tops with sleeves, use clear deodorant. Avoid white bars as they may leave residue on your garment. To avoid possible stains altogether, use products that don’t contain aluminum. When aluminum and perspiration mix, it can cause discoloration on your clothing. According to Jeri Evans,
antiperspirant deodorants are another daily used item that is overlooked, but over time can become harmful. Where does the sweat go if it doesn’t come out of the pores it’s supposed to come out of? Well Ladies, you may smell like a summer linen’s breeze, but sweating is actually your body’s way of helping to keep your
skin
clean. Every day toxins build up in your pores that need to be released–when they’re not, they re-enter the body throwing the lymphatic system out of whack. More women are contracting breast cancer rooting from the lymph nodes under the arm more than ever before. Look for aluminum free products when shopping for deodorants. As an option, try crystal deodorant–it’s fragrant and aluminum free. If you just absolutely need fragrance, add your favorite essential oil.

The Skin You’re In:
Evans has this to say:

Now flawless skin is a thing of beauty. We coddle it; we nourish it and we try to improve it. Yet, we regularly dis it as “only” skin. It’s misunderstood and undervalued. Pharmaceutical companies have catered to many of the (oily, rough, dry, blemished, uneven and dull) skin issues we often encounter. Treating the symptoms and not the cause has become a ritual of the American society. I tried everything until my iridologist gave me this vital suggestion: “Don’t use anything on your skin that you cannot eat.” Well, that eliminated everything in my bathroom! Our skin is our largest organ both on the receiving and the eliminating side of toxins. From Seaweed Soap, to Apple Cider Vinegar or even Coconut Oil, they can all be used as an alternative to some of these harmful products we are using to enhance or maintain our beauty. Remember, simple ingredients!

Jerri Evans is the CEO of Turning Natural, a Juice Bar in Washington, D.C. where she provides detoxes & juice cleanses |
turningnatural.com

SITTING.

There’s no need to balance a book on your head to check your posture. Put books in your head, not on your head. It’s not just about sitting pretty. Good posture isn’t just for the aesthetics – it can prevent health issues. It helps contribute to the normal functioning of the nervous system. Your posture doesn’t only reflect, but also affects your mood. Carrying the body in a more upright position can improve mood and energy levels, while slouching can make you feel less energetic and more depressed. Some of your neck or back problems and even headaches are the result of bad posture. All that time spent looking at your cell phone screen can affect you. Head up, shoulders back and stomach in. Sit at a chair with firm low back support and stretch every hour if you sit for long periods of time. Remove bulky items (phone, wallet, candy, etc.) from your back pocket because it can cause a hip imbalance. If you’re at a desk, sit erect and adjust the chair to ensure your elbows are desk-level. You can even use a footrest to keep the pressure off the back of your legs.

Unless you want your legs to be the focal point of an encounter, sit with them together and crossed at the ankles. If you’re wearing a short skirt with your legs crossed, most men won’t mind the preview, but it’s distracting and revealing–especially if you don’t prefer panties. When wearing trousers or longer fabrics, feel free to cross at the knees.

Sometimes your outfit will disagree with you sitting down. Traditionally, a gentleman offers his seat to a gentlewoman when all other seats in the area are occupied. Nowadays, this gesture is mainly for pregnant women, women with children, the elderly and/or the disabled. It’s a kind gesture not to be taken offensively. If you prefer to stand, simply say, “I’m fine, thank you.”

Don’t hesitate to return the gesture. If you’re sitting in a public place and notice an elderly woman or man who needs a seat, be generous enough to offer yours to that person. The same goes for the disabled or anyone you feel could use the convenience of a seat more than you. Most people will probably be surprised by your willingness to exercise etiquette and thank you tremendously. If you’re in a busy city like New York or London, your little labor of love will be spread throughout the heart of the city. Good behavior is contagious. Pass it on!

COOL.

Femininity is the art of being a Lady. It’s sexy. It’s in your energy and confidence, not just appearance–that’s why you receive all those compliments on your
worst
day. It’s the way a sundress flows just enough to be respectable, but audacious enough to display those curves. You can be fully dressed in a room full of little black dresses and by far be the sexiest in the room. Don’t get me wrong; we certainly think the short dresses are sexy, but a classy Lady drains the attention in any room.

THE LESS YOU REVEAL, THE MORE WE WONDER.

Even prostitutes used to dress with class. They got paid for every layer of clothing they took off. But on our quest to becoming a progressive and advanced society, lines in the sand got covered.

A gentlewoman’s appeal isn’t dependent upon threads and fabrics. In college, I had the biggest crush on a young Lady who wasn’t physically the ideal “type.” But every Wednesday around 12:14 PM, she’d stride into the cafeteria in gym clothes sucking the room dry of all the attention. She was aware of her effect but too cool to care. What was her intangible appeal that had my attention?

“Style is a simple way of saying complicated things.”
–Jean Cocteau

I’ve enlisted the help of international celebrity wardrobe and fashion stylist Toye Adedipe for the details:

Toye Adedipe

Celebrity Wardrobe & Fashion Stylist | Designer | Artist

In college, I was exposed to the retail side of fashion through modeling. It intrigued me how people made a living off of selling clothing. I came across a motivating article of a woman who was a famous fashion stylist in L.A. Did my research, gave her a call and developed an authentic relationship that lead to an internship. This taught me work ethic, but also taught me that I wasn’t assistant material. However, it increased my drive and determination to command to the universe that I was going to become a fashion stylist and do things my way. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I knew I was capable of doing it. I had to honor that and prove it to myself. That lead me to a road where I was able to accomplish everything in the industry that I wanted to accomplish. But I still needed to decide if my passion and drive to prove people wrong were balanced. I finally figured out it’s not about other people; it’s about me. The passion is there. I’m proving it to myself. I hope my honesty can help you overcome your own challenges.