Finding Faith (22 page)

I knew if I told Finn the truth and
gave him my options which one he’d pick, but the thought of Finn in
jail made me feel nauseated. He was too good for that. He was too
good for the life he was living. Technically, I hadn’t seen Finn
dealing drugs, but would my dad lie to me?

His abs felt hot against my
fingertips as I ran them down his body. He turned toward me in his
sleep and gathered me in his arms. I felt so safe there, like no
one or nothing could reach me. My eyes grew heavy, but I fought
sleep for as long as I could. I needed to stay awake and at least
try to contemplate what to do. I was practically asleep when I
heard Finn whisper, “I love you, Faith,” in my ear.

It felt like five minutes later
when a loud crashing noise woke me. I sat straight up in an empty
bed. The alarm clock blinked two a.m. in my face, letting me know I
needed more sleep.

Throwing back the sheet, I slid
from Finn’s bed and pulled my dress back over my head.

Bright light spilled into the room
as I silently pulled his bedroom door open. There was no one
outside his room, but every now and again, I’d hear someone talking
from down the hallway. I followed the voices and ended up in front
of the master bedroom.

I didn’t want to be rude and go in,
but all I could think was what if someone in there needed help?
What if Finn needed me? When I heard his muffled voice through the
door, I knew I had to go in. I should’ve knocked, but if Finn was
in the room doing something drug related, I wanted to see it with
my own two eyes.

I reached out for the rusted
doorknob and gave it a turn. The door was silent as I pushed it
open enough for me to peek in. A mauve-covered room stood before
me. My eyes skimmed the room carefully, taking in the matching
bedspread and curtains. Then my eyes landed on Finn and his mom.
They were in the master bathroom across the room from me. Finn held
back her hair as she puked in the toilet and cried.

“
It’s hurts so bad, Jimmy.” She
moaned.

My heart broke for her. Finn told
me before that she had multiple sclerosis, but I had no idea what
that really meant.

“
I know, Mom. I’m here. I promise
I won’t leave you,” Finn said softly.

I saw another side of him in that
moment. I’d always known he was a guy who would take care of anyone
he loved, but seeing it with my own two eyes made it more real. He
was a caretaker—a good man—and I was a lucky girl to have
him.

I felt awful for prying into their
business, but it was such an honest moment that I couldn’t look
away.

“
Don’t leave me. Please just stay
until I’m not dizzy anymore,” she asked as Finn wiped at her cheeks
with a rag.

I stood there until he helped her
back to her bed. Something happened to me as I watched a very
personal story unfold in front of me. Whatever it was changed my
entire thought process, and I knew in that moment that I couldn’t
stay with Finn and risk my dad having him arrested for drugs. His
mom needed him too much. She was sick, and as badly as I wanted to
be with Finn, I couldn’t be selfish.

I quickly made my way back to his
room, peeled off my dress so he wouldn’t know I’d been awake, and
fell back into his bed with my eyes shut tightly. His door squeaked
a little and I could see the light through my eyelids when he came
back into his room. Darkness consumed me, and the door clicked into
place as he shut the world out again.

I pretended to sleep as he slid
back into bed with me. His side of the mattress dipped and pulled
me closer to him. Warm arms came around me and he snuggled his body
up to mine and spooned me. I wanted to cry for what I would be
losing if I walked away. I was almost positive it was what I had to
do.

He kissed the side of my neck and
sighed happily. Once I heard his breathing even out again, I stared
at the wall and watched it blink red again. I sat in the same spot
for an hour as I went over my options over and over again. In the
end, I came to the conclusion that I had to do the right thing. I
had to move to California with my parents, and I had to do it
without telling Finn.

I knew Finn and I knew he would
fight for me… He’d said so himself earlier that night. If the
situation had been different, I would’ve fought harder for him, but
someone else needed him more than me, and if I stayed, it could
mean prison for Finn. That wasn’t something I could live
with.

Hot tears streamed down my face as
I quietly slipped from his bed. I put my bra and panties back on
and then I pulled my dress over my head. My cross warmed my palm as
I stared down at Finn and his sweet face. I imagined that
everything I was poured into my cross. More than just my soul, more
than my emotions that were crumbling at that exact moment, but my
essence—all that was Faith.

I didn’t need any part of myself
anymore. I was going to be lifeless without Finn anyway. I loved
him and since he couldn’t have me, I wanted him to have the biggest
and most important part of me—my soul.

Unhooking my necklace, I let the
cross slide from the chain and into my palm. It felt hotter than
usual, and the back of my neck felt weird without the weight
pulling against it. Closing my eyes, I said a silent prayer that my
cross would always keep Finn safe, and then I made a promise to the
air in the room that when I could, I’d come back to
Finn.

Kissing the cross, I laid it on the
pillow next to his head. My heart was breaking into pieces and
everything ached. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I leaned down and
pressed my lips to his cheek. He smiled in his sleep, his dimples
popping out for me one last time.

Wiping my face with the back of my
sleeve, I stepped away from him. I crept through his house like a
criminal until I stepped into his yard and into the cold morning
air. The world was silent as I walked toward the closest store and
called my parents. I didn’t pass a single person on the way, not
that anyone could hurt me any worse than I’d hurt myself at that
point.

An hour later, I was in the back of
my dad’s car on my way back to hell. There was a belt and a plane
ticket waiting for me when I got there. By ten a.m., my father had
me on the way to the airport. My plane left at noon. I cried the
entire time.

A week later, I was dying. I
couldn’t take it anymore. Dad had yet to prove to me that he had
any evidence against Finn, and when I pushed it too much, he’d pull
off his belt. Except, instead of taking it the way I had before we
left South Carolina, I fought back. It made the beatings worse, and
I was forced to live at the church to pray for my sins, but I
refused to lie there and take it anymore.

I wrote letter after letter to
Finn. I told him everything in those letters and left him phone
numbers where he could reach me, but I never heard anything back
from him. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out why he wasn’t
responding to me or at least calling me. Every time I tried to call
his house number, I would get the disconnected signal, and the cell
he shared with his mom always went straight to voicemail. I must’ve
left at least fifty messages, until finally I called and that
number, too, was not in service.

When I’d had about all I could
take, I told my parents I wanted to go back home—back to Finn. My
mother was stressed out of her mind and my father refused to hear
anything I had to say. Every time I’d try to run away, they’d find
me, and I never got very far. The whole needing a plane ticket
thing made it difficult, too.

Finally, one day I got a letter in
the mail from Finn. Except when I opened it, it wasn’t the response
I was hoping for.

Faith,

I don’t care why you left. You
leaving was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I
can’t believe I got mixed up with a girl like you. Please quit
sending me letters. I no longer care what you have to say. There
wasn’t any other point to this letter. I just wanted you to know
I’m over you and I hope you have a nice life in
California.

Finn

The air was sucked out of my lungs,
and I had to sit down. The room spun around me.

“
But you said you loved me,” I
whispered to myself as I clutched the letter to my
chest.

The words were there and he had
signed it, but it couldn’t be right. Finn loved me; he wanted me.
He never would’ve treated me that way. The only thing that I could
think was that it was a lie. My father had to be a liar.

“
This is a lie!” I cried as I held
up the letter.

My father didn’t even respond.
Instead, he knocked me into my seat with a backhand.

I sat on that letter for three days
as I contemplated my next move. Love made you do crazy things, and
so I became a liar and a thief. I waited until my parents were
asleep and then snuck into their room. I brazenly stole my dad’s
debit card and ordered a plane ticket on my older-than-dirt
computer that I’d always hated. Turns out it was handy to have
around after all.

When I tucked his debit card back
into his wallet, I took all his cash and his keys. When I got back
to my room, I quickly packed everything I could into a duffle bag
and left before they had a chance to wake up and stop
me.

I spent the next two hours getting
lost all over California, trying to find the airport. I’d never
been so happy to see an airport in all my life when the sign
finally came into view. I’d almost missed my flight so things moved
quickly once I got there. Thankfully, I was on a plane back to the
East Coast before the sun even broke through the clouds.

I looked at my watch and smiled to
myself at the exact moment that I knew my parents were figuring out
that I was gone and that I’d taken their car. They couldn’t come
after me as quickly as they’d like since their car was parked in
the airport garage.

When I landed, I got a cab and gave
the driver Finn’s address. I needed to see him. I needed him to
hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. I missed him so
much it hurt.

The driver kept looking at me
through the rearview mirror, which was kind of creepy. I was
relieved when I saw Finn’s house come into view.

“
Thanks,” I said to the driver as
I paid him.

He pulled away as I stood on the
sidewalk, clutching my duffle bag. It was nearly two in the
afternoon already in South Carolina, and already there were cars
everywhere in Finn’s yard. It bothered me a little that he was
inside partying while I’d been in California, dying without
him.

Music played loudly from the garage
as usual as I made my way to the door. I nervously smoothed out my
skirt and shirt before I stepped inside. I was so excited and
scared at the same time. What if the letter had really been from
Finn? What if he never wanted to see my face again? I’d be stuck
with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I didn’t want to have to
run back to my dad, and I didn’t even know if he’d let me come back
again after the stuff I’d pulled.

I held my breath and stepped
through the doors into the smoke-filled space. The smells that
stung my nose were awful—a mixture of sweat and alcohol made my
stomach turn. My eyes took in the crowded room as the smoke burned
them. And then I saw him across the room and everything around me
disappeared. I smiled to myself as I walked closer to where he sat.
The smile slowly disappeared from my face once he was in full
view.

He was leaning back against the
couch with his eyes closed. He wasn’t smiling. Actually, he looked
like he was in pain, but the memories of our night together
reminded me that sometimes when Finn looked like he was in pain, he
was in ecstasy. Jenny, his ex-girlfriend, straddled his lap and
worked her body back and forth. Her long hair bobbed with her
movements.

I felt sick to my stomach. My knees
went weak beneath me, and I used the wall of the garage to hold
myself up. I couldn’t take my eyes away from them. Finn just sat
there with his eyelids closed tight. He didn’t even bother to touch
her. Instead, his arms were thrown out at his sides.

My heart shattered into a million
soulless pieces. It was true. Finn had really moved on just that
quickly. I was nothing to him. I never was. I’d read his letter,
but I’d refused to believe it. I should’ve believed my dad. Maybe
he really did mean well. Maybe he really did have my best interests
at heart.