Equivocal Death (51 page)

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Sunday, January 24

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He couldn’t believe his eyes. By now, he’d read the sentences so 4

many times he’d lost count. He’d hoped to find another interpre-5

tation. Some sign that he’d misunderstood. But instead, it was just 6

growing worse. The ridiculous conjectures and speculations. Why 7

was she doing this? None of it made any sense.

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He could feel a coldness deep in his core, gradually spreading 9

outward. From his stomach it had moved to his heart and liver, and 10

still it was edging on. Down toward his testicles. Up toward his 11

shoulders. From there it would flow through his arms to his hands, 12

now locked on the computer keyboard. But he was grateful for the 13

cold, grateful for the creeping numbness. It allowed him to think 14

clearly. Clearly and without emotion.

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Again, the questions circled his mind, like vultures come in for 16

a kill. Could she really believe what she’d written? That Carter ort 17

Mills had killed Madeleine? That Carter had killed himself? But reg 18

she’d seen him leaving Carter’s office! What did she make of that?

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She was ruining everything, destroying his faith in her. Why 1

hadn’t she just asked? Didn’t she know he was waiting? Instead, 2

she’d gone off on her own. As if he played no role in her life. As if 3

he
didn’t exist.

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Something was terribly wrong. He gazed across the room, at the 5

photograph pinned to the wall.
What should I do?
he silently 6

pleaded.
Where do I go from here?
He stared at the picture, waiting.

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The most beautiful woman in the world.
And then the answer came 8

clear. Just as he’d hoped it would.

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Kate Paine belonged to him.

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It was time she acted that way.

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Monday, January 25

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Kate awoke to the sound of sirens blasting just inches from her 4

head. Her mind demanded that she get up, but her body refused to 5

move. She lay for a time in stunned dismay, the noise assaulting 6

her ears. Then, as her mind engaged, she realized that she was in 7

bed. The screeching was just her alarm clock. She reached over 8

and turned it off.

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Even after she’d gotten up, the grogginess seemed to linger.

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Maybe breakfast would help. Why not take advantage of her flexi-11

ble schedule and make herself something to eat? There was noth-12

ing in the house, of course. So she put on her coat and went out.

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There had been a light dusting of snow during the night, and 14

the short walk to Zabar’s refreshed her. Crowds already clogged the 15

aisles of the legendary food emporium. Carts and strollers vied for 16

position as shoppers grimly forged ahead. By the cheese counter, a ort 17

mother grabbed her small son by the arm. “
If you don’t change your
reg 18

attitude, I’m going to knock you down.”
Nearby, a sleek male execu-9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 301

E Q U I V O C A L D E A T H

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tive type turned to his lookalike partner and said, “
I want to be just
1

like him, stupid and a nymphomaniac.”

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Kate was still mulling over this last remark — could nympho-3

maniacs be male as well as female? — when she reached the 4

smoked-fish counter. After a brief wait in line, she acquired a 5

packet of smoked salmon before heading to the dairy case. She was 6

moving toward the cash register when she had another thought.

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She’d been meaning to buy a toaster. Why not take care of that 8

now? She made her way to the stairs that led to the second-floor 9

housewares department.

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Upstairs, Kate was about to ask where the toasters were when 11

her eyes lit on a set of cookware enameled in a deep, rich blue. She 12

lingered in front of the display, studying a five-quart Dutch oven.

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There was something both comforting and seductive about the 14

piece. It brought to mind dinners in front of a fireplace. Wine-rich 15

beef stews. Spaghetti Bolognese. Beneath the display, she found a 16

carton containing an identical item and heaved it into her arms.

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Still carrying the Dutch oven, Kate proceeded to the toaster 18

aisle, where she picked out a white Braun model. She was tempted 19

to browse a little more, but she had about all she could carry. Be-20

sides, who knew what she’d end up with if she stuck around. A 21

bread-making machine? A waffle iron? She headed for the check-22

out line.

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She didn’t have to go to work today. She didn’t have to do
any-24

thing.
But the thought of spending the day at home left her feeling 25

restless and bleak. If she went in to the office, at least she’d be 26

around people.

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“You are a
most unhelpful man.
I bought this yesterday, and it’s 28

broken.
Broken.
I demand to see the manager. Do you hear me?
Im-29

mediately.
”

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The middle-aged man in front of her clutched a plastic blender 31

to his chest. The clerk at whom the anger was aimed stood there 32

looking frankly bored.
It’s just a blender,
Kate thought, annoyed.
It
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probably cost thirty bucks.
Still, ten minutes later as she left the 34 sh

store, the scene lingered in her mind. Her sense of condescension 35 re

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was gone, and she felt unaccountably sad. In her mind, she saw the 2

irate customer, shrieking at the bland-faced clerk. It was then that 3

she understood.
It’s not just him. It’s what he represents. We’re all
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scared at some level, afraid we can’t protect ourselves.

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And who can blame us, really? Just think about Madeleine. . . .

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The subway platform was almost empty. She must have just missed 9

a train. Peering down the tunnel for a sign of light, Kate noticed 10

that her glasses were fogged. She stepped well back on the plat-11

form — out of reach of any lurking psycho who might push her 12

onto the tracks — and reached in her purse for a tissue.

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As she pulled off her glasses, the subway platform dissolved in a 14

gloomy blur. Hazy dark forms and gray-blue light. She’d almost fin-15

ished with her lenses when a shadow crossed her line of vision. In-16

stantly, Kate’s heart began to race. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t 17

think. What was happening? What was wrong? Was she having a 18

panic attack?

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Hurriedly, Kate restored her glasses, looking wildly back and 20

forth. But there was only a woman’s retreating back. A woman in 21

a black wool coat. Kate stared after her for several moments, trying 22

to calm herself. Slowly, the fear subsided.

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Just a woman in a black wool coat.

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Still she felt anxious, on edge. Dizzy. Frightened. Confused.

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How to explain this response? The woman’s figure had triggered 26

something. Brought back a memory.

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Then, in a flash, it came back.

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Saturday night. The corridor outside Mills’s office. Then, too, 29

she’d stopped to polish her glasses. And then, too, she’d seen some-30

thing. Just like today. Some shadowy form had appeared, then van-31

ished. Disappeared down the hall . . .

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Kate stood frozen on the subway platform. An announcement 33

blared from the loudspeaker, but she barely noticed the sound. Her ort 34

whole being was focused on the memory, the thought that had just reg 35

broken through. If she was right — and she was sure that she 9858_02_153-356_r6jm.qxd 9/28/00 3:59 PM Page 303

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was — then Mills hadn’t been alone that night. It was possible, 1

just possible, that Mills hadn’t killed himself.

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Impatiently, Kate stepped forward, willing the train to arrive.

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But as she stared down the looming tunnel, the logic of her 4

thoughts struck home.
If Carter Mills hadn’t killed himself, then a
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murderer was still at large.

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w

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Martin Drescher fidgeted with a paper clip, unbending it, then 8

pushing it back. The skin on his face hung in loose gray folds. His 9

eyes were cloudy and inert. Kate wasn’t even sure if he’d been lis-10

tening. But when she stopped, he finally looked up.

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“But you didn’t have on your glasses,” he said. “And without them 12

you’re virtually blind. That’s what you said yourself.” Drescher’s 13

eyes wandered back to the paper clip. He’d flattened it out on his 14

desk. Now he began to restore its shape.

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“That’s true,” Kate said. “But I know that someone was there. I 16

just couldn’t see who it was.”

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“And why didn’t you mention this Saturday night?”

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“Like I said, I didn’t remember. I was still in shock, I guess.”

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“So right after it happened, you didn’t remember. Then two days 20

later, you suddenly do. Is that what you’re telling me?” Drescher had 21

adopted the sort of tone that might be used on cross-examination.

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“That’s right,” Kate said stubbornly. “Saturday night I was in 23

shock. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

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“And during this time that you weren’t thinking clearly, you 25

think
that you saw something, some sort of blurry figure outside of 26

Carter Mills’s office?”

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“I was still thinking clearly at that point,” Kate said. “And I 28

know that I saw something.” She refused to let Drescher throw her.

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What he wanted, Kate knew, was for her to change her story, to ad-30

mit that she might have been mistaken. But as long as she stood 31

her ground, he couldn’t do anything to touch her.

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Drescher shifted heavily in his chair. Absently, he edged the pa-33

per clip under his left thumbnail. He fiddled with the clip for a mo-34 sh

ment or two, then moved to his index finger. Kate watched him, 35 re

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fascinated. Could he really be cleaning his nails? For some time the 2

room was silent. Then, putting down the paper clip, Drescher was 3

speaking again.

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“Ms. Paine, I understand your reluctance to believe the truth 5

about Carter Mills. You worked for him. I’m sure you admired him.

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But you have to accept the facts. Carter Mills killed himself. Be-7

fore that, he killed Madeleine.

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“Now, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m going 9

to assume you believe what you’re telling me. But you’re absolutely 10

wrong. And I have no intention of letting you or anyone put this 11

firm through further disruption. Do I make myself clear?”

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By the time Drescher finished his speech, Kate was so angry she 13

could barely speak. It was one thing for Drescher to be skeptical.

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Another for him to stop her from going to the police with what 15

might be evidence of murder. But she wouldn’t lose control again.

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Biting her lip, she met his eyes.

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“Perfectly clear,” she said.

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Still seething five minutes later, Kate appeared at Justin’s open 21

door. Justin was on the phone. Still talking, he flashed a smile and 22

gestured for her to wait. Kate slouched into the room and flung 23

herself down on a chair. As she stared blankly out the window, ran-24

dom phrases caught her ear: “stockholder class action,” “fraud on 25

the court,” “10b-5 liability.” Simply hearing Justin’s voice seemed 26

to soothe her. She was almost sorry when he hung up.

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“What’s going on?” he said, giving her a closer look.

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Kate raised a dismissive hand. “Oh, just the usual,” she said.

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“Nothing worth discussing.” How many times had she deceived 30

Justin in the past few weeks? By now, she’d almost lost count. But 31

it wouldn’t be fair to involve him. She had to deal with this herself.