Disasterology 101 (41 page)

He reflected on his gnawing feelings as he grabbed a couple of t-shirts for the girls to sleep in, and found a pair of shorts for TK.

He didn’t know where his intrusive thoughts were coming from. He sure as fuck didn’t mind the fact that Cedric had special needs, and after weeks of dealing with his OCD Kevin knew better than to expect some sort of miracle, yet that was exactly what he had done.

Maybe it was wishful thinking at its best, but he’d convinced himself that smoking and counting was all Cedric needed to do in order to get the worst of his anxiety out of his system. He had chosen to believe Cedric was strong enough. That he had made enough advances in his treatment… that there wasn’t a reason why he shouldn’t be ready to deal with Kevin’s children.

And so Kevin had no one to blame but himself when reality had proven to be completely different.

But owning up to his responsibility didn’t change a damn thing.

He knew Cedric put everything he had into overcoming his OCD and that all things considered, the meeting could have been a real nightmare, as opposed to just really uncomfortable. Kevin also knew his guy had done his best, and not only was he grateful for it, but proud as well. But he still couldn’t get over the way in which Cedric had snapped at Ava when she’d touched him.

Instead of being able to get on Cedric’s case for using the wrong tone with his baby girl, Kevin was forced to bite his tongue, and simmer quietly. After all, only God knew what kind of reaction Cedric would have if Kevin gave him a hard time over it.

He still wanted to take care of his pretty thug for the rest of his life, but fuck yeah, he was resentful, and that was only the tip of the iceberg.

He was tired of waiting for Cedric to tell him why he’d cried a week ago, and the lack of sex was becoming an issue. Not to mention, he was scared shitless there was a possibility his position as Cedric’s haven was only temporary, and dammit, they
so
needed to have a conversation. But he couldn’t deal with any of it right now. He was hanging by a thread as it was.

Once the kids were sleeping in the second bedroom he did a quick walkthrough of his apartment. He’d never been a slob, but he tended to use a corner of his bedroom floor as a hamper, and there were a few cups and a loaf of bread on the kitchen counter.

Normally he wouldn’t go out of his way to make everything neat and tidy. After all, learning to resist his compulsion to organize and realign was a huge part of Cedric’s therapy. But his guy had had enough for one day, and offering him a space where he would be able to rest was a great way for Kevin to make up for his piss-poor behavior.

He was in the middle of replacing the towels in the bathroom with fresh ones when his phone rang inside his pocket. Thinking it was Cedric calling to find out what was taking so long Kevin fished for it immediately, and frowned when he didn’t recognize the number. Who the hell could be calling him at two o’clock in the morning?

“Hello?”

“Is he gone?”

“Jesus, Jenny.” He took a deep breath, and sat on the closed lid of the toilet. “Who’s number is this?”

“You work from sunup to sundown, then you go to school. You spend every other weekend with the kids, and you take on more jobs when you don’t,” she summarized without answering his question. “When in the world did you find the time to meet this… this… too young, too tough-looking, too… too… argh! I don’t even know how to describe him, but everything about him is wrong. The hair, the clothes, the piercings, the flashy car, the pretentious British accent… He was wearing a bandana, Kev. A
bandana
. And what’s up with the gloves? It isn’t even that cold. Unless he wears them because he doesn’t want to leave fingerprints, I don’t see why—”

“Stop right there,” Kevin cut her off. “Just… stop.”

“Listen, I get that you have a new lifestyle, and that you had to start
somewhere
, but bringing your thuggish boy toy around my children is unacceptable.”

“Cedric is not my boy toy,” Kevin snapped, “and I would appreciate it if you stopped referring to him in such a disdainful tone.”

“But—”

“But,
nothing
.” He ran his fingers through his hair, then slammed his fist against his thigh. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset about Cedric’s presence. I really don’t.”

“You didn’t ask me if you could bring him with you.”

“Well, you didn’t ask me if you could bring Will around my kids, so I didn’t think I had to.”

“And you didn’t tell me you were seeing anyone either,” she continued without really listening to him.

“You didn’t tell me you were seeing Will for months,” Kevin tried to reason with her. “I was waiting for the right time.”

“Well, unexpectedly at the hospital wasn’t it.”

“That’s true, but—”

“He yelled at Ava!”

“Only because he wasn’t prepared when she touched him!”

“Prepared?” she repeated. “What the hell does that even mean, he wasn’t prepared?”

“He needs to be asked first if he can be touched, and we both know how Ava is.”

“I can’t believe you’re defending him.”

“Who the hell will if not me?” And boy, wasn’t that the truth. “He isn’t the delinquent you think he is, Jenny.”

“I don’t want him around my kids,” she said again. “I don’t want TK to think it’s okay to be—”

“What?” Kevin growled. “To be what? Tenacious enough to become both an architect and a teacher and settle in a country that isn’t his own, at twenty-six? Strong enough to go out and work every day, even though it’d be way easier to stay home where it is comfortable and safe? Because that’s exactly what Cedric is. Charming, smart, and brave, and we’d only be so lucky if TK learned a few things from him.” He was breathing hard by the time he finished his little speech. He had said more than he’d intended too, but he didn’t care. He might be upset with Cedric for the same reasons as he was with his ex-wife, but he wasn’t about to let anyone look down on him. Not even Jenny. “What’s going on here?” he asked softly. “You have never been one to judge a book by its cover. He has OCD, Jen; he’s not a delinquent.”

“I… I…”

“What?”

There was a prolonged silence, then something that sounded suspiciously close to a sob. “You know I want the best for you, right?”

Kevin nodded to himself. “I do.”

“And I meant it with all my heart when I told you the right man would come along, and I’d be happy for you.”

Kevin held his breath. “Has that changed?”

“I still want to see you happy, but I’ve got to be honest about my feelings.”

“Okay…”

“Knowing you are gay is completely different from “seeing” it, and—”

“But you didn’t see anything,” he protested.

“It’s true that you guys kept your distance, and didn’t look or do anything… well, gay, but… see… you gravitated toward him, and the looks you shared, like you’re each other’s center…” Her voice cracked, but she kept talking. “You never looked at me that way.”

Kevin gripped the edge of the bathtub, and bit the inside of his cheek while he looked back into their marriage.

They had been friends, and a kick ass team, but Jenny had never lit him up inside the way Cedric did.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Is he?” she asked, and there was no missing the tears in her voice.

He found himself smiling softly as he remembered all the times he had talked to Cedric about his goals, or vented to him about work being too much. Cedric always told Kevin that he could do it, whatever
it
was that he needed to do in order to get where he wanted to be. Cedric had faith in Kevin, and was rooting for him. “He definitely is.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah… I am. Very much so.” And he wasn’t lying. Despite all the complications, and the lack of sex, Cedric always made him feel in heaven.

“For how long?”

“A little over a month.”

“So he’ll be around, then. You’re serious about him.”

“Lord, I hope so.” Kevin squeezed his eyes shut. “And yes, I am totally serious about him.” He got up and walked out of the bathroom. “Will you be okay?”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “I’m very happy with Will, so this isn’t about jealousy or anything like that.” She let out a sigh. “I just need some time to adjust, and to learn to not feel guilty every time I see that look in your eyes, you know?”

That took Kevin completely by surprise.

“What do you feel guilty about?”

“You could have met the man of your dreams ten years ago, if I had only admitted what I already knew deep down.”

“No,” Kevin said in a serious tone. “Things happen for a reason, Jen, and I don’t regret the time we spent together. I don’t wish things would have been different.”

“Really?”

“I swear. I’ve told you before. I was exactly where I needed to be at the time.”

“I am
so
relieved to hear that, but I still need a day or two to wrap my mind around the fact you have a boyfriend now.”

“That’s fine,” he said as he opened the front door.

“I’ll pick up the kids as soon as I can.”

“Don’t worry about that.” He stepped outside. “Hope Will feels better soon.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve got to go now,” Kevin said as he approached the SUV. “I need to take care of my man.”

“Right… Good night, Kev.”

“Good night.” He ended the call, and opened the passenger door. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting so long.”

Cedric gave him a tremulous smile. “Is everything okay?”

Kevin considered his answer carefully. He didn’t have the energy to discuss anything else tonight, but he didn’t want to downplay his feelings. Honesty had been the staple of his and Cedric’s relationship from the beginning, and it was important they both honored that, whether they were upset or not.

“I am a mess, babe,” he rasped. “I’ve got a lot in my mind.”

Cedric nodded slowly, turned sideways on his seat, and pulled him into his arms.

Kevin went still in Cedric’s hard grasp. The last thing he had expected was any type of physical contact between them, but the moment Cedric’s long, strong arms closed around his body, he realized that was exactly what he needed to survive this night.

Cedric didn’t say a word. He didn’t try to apologize again, or make empty promises that everything would be okay. He didn’t even ask if he was on the phone with Jenny when he came outside. He just grazed Kevin’s temple with his lips, and slid his gloved fingers up and down Kevin’s spine.

Needless to say, Kevin held on for dear life, and let his lover’s gesture abate the tension. It had been building from the moment Cedric told him he was only scheduled to stay in New York for three hundred days.

“Why don’t you stay here tonight instead of only taking a few minutes to recover?” he whispered against Cedric’s shoulder. “I don’t want you driving home so late.”
Or so upset
.

“I would like that.”

“Do you think you can handle it?”

Cedric nodded.

“Thanks.”

They entered Kevin’s basement apartment quietly, and didn’t utter a word while Kevin showed Cedric where everything was. It had been a long night, and they both needed their rest, but not before Cedric washed up and changed clothes, and definitely not before he’d replaced Kevin’s bed sheets with his own.

“I feel awful taking your bed,” Cedric said as he watched Kevin change into a pair of flannels and a t-shirt.

“I’ll be fine on the couch.” He took a pillow and a blanket, and pecked Cedric on the cheek. That was innocent enough, and acceptable. He might have called Cedric “hon” in front of the kids, but he felt funny kissing him on the lips when his kids were sleeping in the next room. “Come get me if you can’t sleep, okay?”