Disasterology 101 (37 page)

“What the hell’s that?” Kevin blurted.

“What’s what?”

He pointed at the radio. “
That
.”

“Far East Movement,” Cedric said, eyes fixed on the road. “Don’t you like it?”

“Not particularly,” he grumbled. “But my teenage son loves them.”

“That’s grand, isn’t it?” Cedric’s smile was so strained it pained Kevin to look at it. “We can talk about music.”

Under normal circumstances Kevin would’ve been ecstatic. Having his children not get along with the man he fell in love with would be a deal breaker, but that was something he didn’t expect to deal with so soon, and Cedric being that man wasn’t even a possibility.

He’s too rich.

He’s leaving.

He has the music taste of a teenager.

He refuses to tell me what makes him cry.

He keeps stuff from me… I know he does.

Kevin looked out the window at the passing scenery, the city lights, and buildings so different from his hometown in New Jersey. No baseball parks. No playgrounds on every corner.

“Do you like kids?” he asked quietly.

Cedric didn’t answer immediately, but Kevin noticed he gripped the steering wheel and blinked repeatedly.

“I happen to think kids are wonderful,” he finally said, his voice so low Kevin almost didn’t hear him over the music. “So eager to discover the world… so full of energy….”

Kevin waited for Cedric to keep talking, but he didn’t. Instead he opened the glove box, reached inside for a pack of cigarettes, and proceeded to smoke like a chimney for the next twenty minutes. In turn, Kevin tapped his fingers on his thighs, bit the inside of his cheek until he could taste blood, and got familiar with a few new rappers. Orishas. Alliance Ethnik. Plan B. He didn’t recognize any of the names he read on the radio’s display. Probably European, then.

“So you like them, but you can’t stand them?” Kevin was incapable of keeping his mouth shut any longer. Once they got out of the Lincoln Tunnel they didn’t encounter much traffic. They’d be at the hospital in no time at the speed Cedric was driving, and Kevin wanted to get that conversation out of the way pronto. “Is that what it is?”

“They’re disorganized.”

“So am I.”

“And they carry germs.”

“No more than adults do.”

“Way more.” Cedric exhaled smoke in his direction, and Kevin tried to dissipate it with a few waves of his hand. “And adults can handle it better if I freak out on them.”

“Think you’re going to freak out tonight?”

“I’m praying I don’t.”

The way Cedric spoke broke Kevin’s heart a little. He could hear the desperation in Cedric’s tone. The shame and the fear. He didn’t need to be told Cedric talked from experience, either. It was perfectly clear. He wanted to ask what happened, but he didn’t. Cedric was tense enough already, and Kevin didn’t want to bring up bad memories.

“Why expose yourself?” When he didn’t get an answer, Kevin put his hand on Cedric’s thigh and pressed softly. “Why put yourself through a situation you know might be too taxing for you?”

“I need to try,” he whispered.

“Why?”

“They are
your
kids.” Cedric glanced sheepishly in Kevin’s direction. “I can’t pretend they don’t exist.”

What does it matter, Cedric? You’re fucking leaving me anyway.

Kevin swallowed hard, and fixed his gaze on the windshield, his mind swirling and his heart thumping in tandem with the music of someone called D Flame. He tried not to run wild with what Cedric had just said, but Jesus, how could he not?

Kevin stretched his arms and legs, and cracked his knuckles. The way he saw it, he had two options: walk away before he got in too deep… or man up and admit it might be too late. That he already was in way over his head.

“You know, my youngest daughter is asthmatic,” he told Cedric as they got off at their exit. “She’s—”

“Blimey, Kevin.” Cedric put out his cigarette and glared at him. “You should’ve told me!”

“Well, it looked like you could really use one… or ten,” Kevin teased, rubbing Cedric’s shoulder and pulling a handful of braids. “But those things will kill you.”

“It’s at times like this I wish I was the kind of bloke who could… I don’t know… relieve some stress by getting sucked off instead of relying on meds and fags to calm me down.” He leaned into the caress for a few seconds, then turned his head and bumped Kevin’s hand away.

“I’d gladly volunteer for that job. I’ll blow you silly as many times as you want me to. I might even get good at it someday.” After taking a pack of Listerine strips out of his pocket and offering it to Cedric, he typed a text message to Jenny to let her know they were almost there. “As I was saying, Ava has asthma. Pretty bad some times, and as a consequence, her physical activities can be limited.”

Cedric turned down the volume of the music. That Kevin had his full attention became obvious when a big, gloved hand covered his own.

“The medication has slowed her growth some, and she can’t engage in as many physical activities as other kids without supervision.” Kevin intertwined their fingers, and rubbed the back of Cedric’s hand absently. “But we don’t make a big deal out of it. She still runs and swims, and plays with her friends. We encourage her because even though the asthma is a constant in her life, it doesn’t set her apart. It doesn’t define her… just like being OCD doesn’t define you.” Kevin turned his head sideways and stared at Cedric’s profile intently. “But I don’t have to tell you that, do I? You go to therapy. You’ve integrated into society, and built a fulfilling life.” He lifted Cedric’s hand and kissed it softly. “Do you like living in New York?”

“Yes,” Cedric said immediately. “I happen to like it tremendously.” He tugged his lip ring and gulped loudly. “I’ve liked it even more since the day I saw you in the coffee shop.”

Kevin’s resolution not to ask Cedric how long they had crumbled, but he forced himself to remain quiet. There was no questioning the fact they’d started something worth exploring, but it was too soon to ask Cedric to reconsider his three hundred days limit policy, wasn’t it? Not to mention, the guy’s family lived in England. He probably wanted to be near them. Still, Kevin couldn’t keep completely quiet about his feelings.

“You’re a very strong man, oddball.” Kevin smiled as he eyed the facial jewelry Cedric kept on, just to prove to himself he had control over his body. He was very proud of his man. “You might have setbacks, but I have a feeling you’ll accomplish anything you put your mind to. You have a job here, and I don’t see why you couldn’t get your visa extended. There’s no reason for you not to be able to celebrate your three year anniversary here if for some reason you change your mind about leaving.”

Kevin’s statement was met by absolute silence. Was Cedric considering his words, or gearing up to pop him in the mouth for not minding his own business? Then again, he considered Cedric’s ultimate decision very much his business and hoped that, on some level, the other man knew it. But Kevin wished he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t care for the sudden tension between them, and he felt like a fucking idiot.

Seriously, what the hell was he thinking? Why would a young, smart, rich man like Cedric want to stay in a foreign country? Just to be with Kevin?

Right.

He was a nobody. Worse. He was a thirty-six year old nobody. He was a divorced father of three with more debt than income. He—

“So far you’ve only seen me at my best.”

Kevin snapped his head in Cedric’s direction, and held his breath. It was then that he realized the guy was still holding his hand.

“You know that, right?”

Kevin nodded. “Same applies to me. I’m far from perfect.”

“What you are is too good to be true.”

“What do you mean?”

“Patient, understanding….” The more Cedric said, the more agitated he got. “Always ready to say the right thing at the right moment… You’re my biggest dream, and my worst nightmare.”

“Cedric—”

“You have no idea how much effort and preparation it takes to be with you. I’ve tried not to do my neurotic freak cleaning routine in front of you, and you haven’t seen how much of a nervous wreck I can turn into, but that can change in the blink of an eye if I stop responding to my medication.” Cedric removed his hand from his, and damn if Kevin didn’t feel scared and bereft. “Soon enough you’ll see how I can get, and I’m bloody terrified of fucking up too badly in front of you.”

“Don’t be,” Kevin ordered. “Don’t think you have to hide things from me in order to keep an illusion of perfection. I’ve lived long enough to know there’s no such thing.” The second they stopped at a red traffic light, he took Cedric’s jaw between his fingers and forced him to look at him. “I want the real you, and that includes fears, neurosis, and everything else.”

“Easy to say that now.”

“Stop warning me off.”

“One day you’ll regret those words,” Cedric mumbled, his tone so mocking it hurt to listen to it. “I know you will.”

Kevin let go of Cedric’s jaw, and rubbed his own face. He needed to keep in mind Cedric’s previous dating experience had not been the best, and that it would take time and behavioral consistency on Kevin’s part to convince the guy it’d be different this time. “I’m just hoping you’ll have the balls to stick around and find out.”

“You don’t mean that.” Cedric licked his lower lip, and glanced at Kevin with unnaturally bright eyes. “Do you?”

“I’m about to introduce you to my kids and ex-wife,” Kevin snapped. “The hell I don’t.”

Cedric’s face lost all color, and his breathing got so labored he had to be hyperventilating. Was that a panic attack?

“Are you okay?” Kevin put his hand on Cedric’s forearm, only to have it pushed away roughly. “What can I do?”

“One, two, three….”

“Are you nervous about meeting the kids?”

“…eight…nine…ten…eleven…”

“You don’t have to stay.”

“…seventeen…eighteen…nineteen…”

“Just drop me off and I’ll call a cab.”

“…twenty-three…twenty-four…”

“Stop it.”

“…twenty-six…twenty-seven…”

“That doesn’t help at all,” Kevin growled. “Stop counting and talk to me!”

“…twenty-nine…”

“Fucking ridiculous situation.”

“Thirty.”

“Finally. Maybe now we can—”

“Don’t you ever try to come between me and my numbers.”

“I—”

“You might think me counting is useless and stupid, but it’s something I do, and I don’t give a shit if it annoys you.”

Kevin gripped his knees and shut his eyes against the flat tone of Cedric’s voice. “I apologize,” he said. “I was an insensitive jerk.” A hysterical chuckle escaped him. He couldn’t believe he’d totally dismissed one of Cedric’s compulsions not even five minutes after telling him that he wanted the real man.

Way to go, Kev
.

“That you were.” Cedric’s voice was softer, but not by much. “Don’t do that again. Please. Don’t think things will get better for me if I just talk them out, because they won’t. It doesn’t work that way.”

“You’ve got my word.”

“There’s no stopping me once I start counting.”

“Understood.” He heard Cedric take a deep breath, and two seconds later his left hand was covered by Cedric’s. Kevin opened his eyes and turned his head slightly. “Did
I
fuck up too badly?”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Cedric whispered. ‘I’m sorry for scolding you.”

“Don’t mention it.” He swallowed his resentment at being treated like a five-year-old. He knew it was well-deserved in this particular instance. “But like I was trying to tell you, there’s no need to put yourself through this. Drop me off at the train station so that I can get my truck and—”