Disasterology 101 (43 page)

A few seconds ago Kevin would’ve paid good money to avoid this conversation. Now he didn’t seem capable of keeping his mouth shut. “You fucking faked an orgasm, then ran away from me, and refused to tell me what the hell was going on,” he said through gritted teeth, glaring at Cedric for all he was worth. “How many times, Cedric? How many times were you planning on doing that?” he asked, not giving a shit that Cedric had lost all color, and looked scared out of his mind. “How many times were you going to let me be on my own while we had sex? How many times were you going to make me think you were as consumed by passion and desire as I was? How long were you planning on hiding the fact that you can’t come?”

“You knew?” Cedric whispered.

“Of course I knew. We may not do it too often, but don’t you think I haven’t learned your reactions. Did you know you always bite my neck, and grip my waist right before you come?” Kevin growled. “You can’t fool me. I know when you’re into it, and I know when you’re not.”

Cedric rubbed his face, and took a deep breath. “Bloody hell.”

“So what was the plan?” Kevin kept pushing, oblivious to nosy neighbors, and the fact that his kids were inside. “Keep faking it until you felt it?”

Cedric shook his head. “I didn’t have a plan.”

“You didn’t have a plan....” Kevin let his breath out in a rush, and clasped his hands behind his head. “Why’s that? Because you don’t give a shit about how important a satisfactory sexual life is to me or because you knew it wouldn’t matter in a few weeks?”

“Because all the options I’ve been given scare the hell out of me!” Cedric snapped as he paced in front of his fancy truck. He looked agitated and trapped, but he didn’t bolt.

“So there are things you could do?” Kevin had never been so relieved in his life.

“Yes,” Cedric whispered.

“Then why haven’t you discussed them with me?” Kevin ran his fingers through his hair. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. Sex is not the most important thing in the world to me, but you drive me crazy, babe. You’re fucking hot, and I want you all the time. I want to explore every available option before we give up.”

“I want you too, Kevin. I’ve told you this.”

“So what can we do?”

“One of the options requires I take my medication at a different time, and you’d have to be around in order to take advantage of that change. Our current schedule doesn’t allow for that. Another option would be to take a different medication for my OCD, but I really don’t want to do that. The way I am now… This is the most normal I’ve been my entire life, and I don’t want to do anything that would throw me back. I could also….”

“What?”

“I could take Viagra.” He blushed when he said that, and he wouldn’t meet Kevin’s eyes as he patted his pockets at an alarming speed. When he didn’t find a pack of cigarettes, he rubbed his arms. Up and down… Up and down….

“Why haven’t you been taking it?”

“It’s embarrassing to depend on sexual performance enhancers at my age.”

“So you’d rather not fuck me than get your ego bruised a little bit?”

“I never thought of it in those terms,” Cedric whispered. “I was an idiot, wasn’t I?”

“I wish you’d told me this.” Kevin knew he could very well be pushing his guy too hard, but at the moment he didn’t give a shit. “We could’ve been fucking like rabbits all along, and I’d have had you coming like a geyser.”

“This isn’t easy, Kevin.” Cedric looked at him from under his long lashes, and took a few steps back. “It isn’t easy for me to stand in front of my very virile lover, and admit I can’t please him.”

Kevin’s jaw almost hit the floor. “What do you mean you can’t please me? You
do
please me every single time.”

“Then what’s the bloody problem?”

“It’s not enough.”

“If you’re satisfied—”

“I want more. I need you with me every step of the way. I want you fully engaged, and I want you to experience the same pleasure you give me. Is that too much to ask?” He fisted his hands, and glared at Cedric. The guy was smart enough to not say a word. “And while we’re at it, I also want to know how many fucking days we have left before you walk out of my life,” he boomed, having totally forgotten they were in front of his house. “Fuck!” He ran his fingers through his hair, and widened the distance between them. “You know what? It’s better if you go home now.”

“But—”

“
Now
, Cedric. Please.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Cedric muttered under his breath as he opened the SUV door, but right before getting inside he turned around and fisted Kevin’s t-shirt. “Make sure to call me as soon as you can.” His lips touched Kevin’s as he issued his order, and Kevin melted inside. “I need to know that the kids are okay, and your ex-wife isn’t giving you hell. Plus, you’re right. There are things we need to discuss.” Cedric gave him another peck on the lips. “I can’t have you upset with me, pet. I can’t. So call me as soon as you can, okay?”

Although he
really
didn’t want to hear Cedric tell him when he was leaving, Kevin nodded obediently, and wrapped his arms around Cedric’s waist. “Thank you for hanging out with the kids this morning,” he said between soft kisses, because no matter how upset he felt, he couldn’t help touching Cedric. “I know it couldn’t have been easy, but you did it, and you were great with them.”

“You’ll be surprised to hear this, but it really was my pleasure,” Cedric whispered in his ear. “I think I’m in love with your children.”

Twilight Zone indeed.

Cedric stuck his wicked tongue inside his mouth, and Kevin engaged immediately. How could he not? He was completely defenseless against his lover’s presence… and his tongue stud.

“Call me,” Cedric said again as he got behind the wheel. “We really need to talk.”

Kevin nodded. “Get home safe, babe.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

“… and as you know Wilfred and Gadja just had their tenth wedding anniversary.”

Helena Haughton-Disley’s refined voice reached Cedric through the speakerphone loud and clear. As if she was in the next room and not in England.

“How was Delhi?”

He clicked absently through the hundred pictures his mum’s secretary had emailed him earlier. His oldest brother had a three-day celebration every year either in India—where his wife was originally from—or the Haughton-Disley country estate in Lincolnshire. It was a big deal, and Cedric couldn’t have been more disinterested in the details.

He’d always looked forward to getting updates on his siblings, but lately he’d started to not give a crap. The news hardly ever came directly from them, as they were too busy with their lives, and when they did, they were mostly superficial and vain. Parties, and crème de la crème guests didn’t matter to Cedric. He had real issues he needed to deal with.

“Spiritually nourishing, as per usual.” His mum sighed. For some reason she believed trips to India got her closer to her creator. “And of course the festivities were lovely.”

“I’m sure they were.”

With the exception of the location, the festivities were always the same: an “intimate” affair with the couple’s family and a hundred or so of their closest friends, fine music and dining, and exquisite decorations. The kind of party that never failed to make it to the society pages of every magazine in Europe.

Not that Cedric had attended one. Gadja had said it was impossible to limit the number of guests to thirty, which in turn made it impossible for him to be there, but he’d seen the pictures and videos.

“I’m so sad you weren’t able to be there, dear. We all missed you.”

He smirked at her words. “Did you?”

“You know we did.”

With the exception of his father, Cedric seriously doubted his family noticed his absence, or wasted any time thinking about the reasons why he wasn’t present. But he appreciated the lie for what it was—a way to make him feel included when he really wasn’t.

It’d been the same for years. His mum, brothers, and sisters wished Cedric could have been here or there, but never bothered to ask him whether he wanted to go, or if he thought it was possible. They went on believing it wasn’t.

“I would’ve tried to make it had I gotten the invitation, Mum.”

He wasn’t entirely sure what prompted his goading comment. Maybe it was the fact that
he
missed his family and wanted to be part of certain things desperately. Or it could’ve been that he resented their passive-aggressive behavior when it came to dealing with his condition. Whatever the reason, he was sick of being relegated to a role of mere spectator.

“Oh….”

His mum sounded a tad chagrined, and he could picture her staring at the roses outside the window of her sitting room while she tried to come up with an answer.

Cedric shook his head and didn’t dwell on the oversight. He was used to it, and he couldn’t be arsed with yet another feeble excuse as to why he was never included in his family celebrations.

It wasn’t that he could have attended all of them. It was that he’d reached a point in his life where he wanted to be given the option.

“The nippers are growing fast, eh?” he said, looking at a picture of his seven nieces and nephews. He hadn’t seen any of them since Christmas Eve, 2011. Hell, he had never talked to any of them as much as he’d talked to Kevin’s kids in just a few hours.

“We’re just trying to help you be more comfortable, dear,” his mum said, ignoring his attempt to change the subject. “We don’t want to see you suffer the way you did at Rowena’s wedding.”

“You mean you don’t want to witness me having another meltdown of epic proportions if I’m not allowed to rearrange the tableware?”

“I know that’s something you can’t control, but you must admit that it was a very unpleasant situation for all the people present.”

But he’d been nineteen years old at the time. He wasn’t seeing a therapist back then, and he wasn’t taking the right medication. All that had changed now, and it wasn’t fair for his family to believe Cedric hadn’t gained any control whatsoever over his actions.

“I know that, Mum.” He heaved a sigh of resignation and closed off the file with the pictures, knowing his mum wouldn’t let go of the subject until she got some reassurance. “It wasn’t my intention to embarrass the family then, and I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty now.”

“We love you so much, Cedric. You know we’ve always tried to protect you.”

“I know, Mum,” he repeated, memories of his childhood flashing in front of him.

Cedric’s entire family had always accommodated his every obsession and compulsion. They gave him space, and they pretended not to notice whenever he started to count. They remembered—for the most part—to place things the way Cedric needed to see them, and they had limited their hugs and kisses so that their germs wouldn’t “kill” him.

It had been lonely growing up, but Cedric couldn’t blame his family for it. His condition had been much worse back then. They’d done the best they could under the circumstances, and not once had Cedric felt abandoned.

But as much as he appreciated their past efforts, now he needed them to stop not inviting him to social events so that the things he couldn’t control wouldn’t drive him mental. It wasn’t the way to normalcy.

He needed them to give him a chance to integrate.

He needed them to be… more like Kevin.

“Are you taking good care of yourself?” His mum’s careful question brought him back to reality. “Did you tell your colleagues that you’re sick?”

Right. Because disclosing my condition comes so easily to me.

“I’ve told you before I don’t exactly discuss my personal issues with anyone at Greenbriar.” Cedric checked his mobile for messages, then opened his internet program and started a search for Cialis and Viagra. “I’m pretty sure they’ve noticed, but nobody has given me any issue.”

He shared the company owner’s surname. Even if his co-workers had a problem with his constant trips to the loo, changes of clothes, and tendency to clean everything, they were likely to be discreet about their opinion for fear of getting sacked.