Disasterology 101 (40 page)

“That’s enough,” Kevin barked. Based on Jenny’s stricken expression, Cedric assumed Kevin had never used that tone on her before. “What’s gotten into you?”

Ava’s eyes widened, and her lip trembled. She threw hear head back before she started wailing.

Cedric covered his ears with his hands, and closed his eyes.

He’d made Kevin yell at his ex-wife. He’d made his baby cry. It was his fault she was so upset. No doubt about that.

Shame bloomed inside his chest, freezing his blood.

He wanted to hold Ava. He would have killed someone if that would have given him the strength to pick her up, and kiss her rosy cheek. Maybe have her kiss his in turn, and have her rest her blonde curls on his chest.

But he couldn’t.

Not tonight… not ever if he didn’t get hold of himself.

Cedric’s arms fell to his sides, and he opened his eyes. Kevin asked him to wait in the truck at the same time as Cedric started to count.

He jumped into the passenger seat, and rubbed his stomach with a fisted hand. He remembered Kevin saying going out with him had disaster written all over it, and knowing his lover had been right was both emotionally and physically painful for Cedric.

He watched the scene developing in front of him through the SUV’s windshield as he counted and wiped his face with antibacterial towelettes.

TK had put some distance between himself and his parents. Brianna worried her lower lip, and clutched her yellow backpack against her chest. Ava was still in the middle of the mother of all fits. Jenny kept shaking her head, and Kevin looked ready to leave. Two seconds later he rounded up the kids, and left Jenny talking to herself, and staring behind him.

Cedric shifted focus between his trembling hands and the approaching group, and once again repeated the four steps of cognitive behavioral self-treatment. He reminded himself that he’d made progress, and Kevin believed he could accomplish anything he put his mind to. Plus, it was clear Kevin wanted him to stay in New York, and because Cedric wanted the same he swore to do anything in his power to be able to get close and personal with his future step kids.

Please, Lord, please
, he prayed under his breath.
Don’t let him change his mind now that I’ve behaved like an arse in front of his family
.

He remained quiet as Kevin settled his kids in the car. His “here sweetie, take your blanket”, “TK, take care of your sister”, and “fasten your seatbelt, Brianna” sounded strained, but he was in total control of the situation.

“Hand over the towelettes, hon.”

Cedric kept his eyes fixed on the dashboard when he passed the container over his shoulder, but he paid close attention to Kevin’s conversation with his kids.

“Why did you call Cedric hon?” Brianna sounded confused.

“I’m very fond of him.”

There was a snort.

“That’s weird, dude.”

TK. Of course.

“I’m your father,” Kevin said. “Don’t call me dude.”

“Sorry, but it
is
weird to hear you call another guy hon.” There was a brief silence. Cedric would have bet anything it was filled by a shrug. “Why do I have to wipe my hands and face anyway?”

“Cedric has an illness called obsessive compulsive disorder, or OCD.” Cedric heard Kevin explain after a few seconds. “It makes him worry a lot about order, organization, and germs. He’s in treatment for it, and getting better every day, but sometimes he feels sick.”

“Like a headache, or tummy sick?” Brianna asked.

“More like germs and chaos make him upset, which is why we need to wipe our face and hands thoroughly tonight, give him some space, and try to not make too much of a mess.”

“How often does he get sick?” TK sounded curious. Not mocking like the kids from Cedric’s past.

“Not too often,” Kevin answered. “He really is doing his best. But you guys don’t need to worry about that. His doctors are helping him, and so I am.”

“I want to help too,” Brianna said. “I’ll make sure to be really clean when I’m around him.”

“But not all the time, okay?” Kevin rushed to say. “It isn’t good for him when people accommodate all his compulsive rituals. Eh… rituals are the things he does, like cleaning stuff, or realigning things constantly.”

“I like Ric’s hair, Daddy,” Ava said between receding sobs. “I wanna help, too.”

“Yeah,” TK added. “We’ll help.”

“I really appreciate it, guys.” It was obvious Kevin was extremely proud of his kids.

Nothing else was said after that.

The mental illness that had affected Cedric’s family interactions and social life for years had just been reduced to something no worse than a pesky cold. In under one minute Kevin had explained Cedric’s condition, what he needed, and gotten his kids on board to help, and Cedric just
knew
he would never feel any prejudice from them.

Because the Morrison kids were smart.

As sensitive and considerate as their dad.

Not to mention, Ava liked his hair, and she too wanted to help.

Cedric leaned forward, put his face between his knees, and sobbed in relief.

He didn’t know how long he cried, and he didn’t care. He could feel Kevin’s hand moving up and down his back in a soothing motion, and for the first time in years he was shedding tears of happiness, and not despair.

By the time he dried his face with the tissue Kevin put in his hand, the kids had fallen asleep, and they were driving at a steady fifty-five miles per hour on the highway.

“Are we close to the train station?” he asked quietly.

Kevin shook his head. “We’re going straight to my place.” He rubbed Cedric’s cheek with his thumb, and smiled a little. “I don’t want you driving when you’re so upset.”

Upset
was putting it mildly.

Cedric felt his face redden in mortification, but he didn’t apologize for his meltdown. Twenty-six year old blokes shouldn’t be crying in front of their brand new lovers, but God knew nothing he and Kevin did was normal.

“I feel better now.” He blew his nose, and grabbed another tissue. “But I still need some down time.” He’d barely been around the kids, and he’d only touched them with his gloved hands, but Cedric could feel his skin prickling.

“I’ll make sure you get it,” Kevin said absently while he read a message on his mobile.

After several minutes of silence, Cedric said, “Your ex-wife hates me.”

“She does not,” Kevin grunted without looking at him.

“She acted like I had no right to be there with you,” Cedric argued. “She was confrontational, and she had her hands all over you.”

“Don’t even go there, please.”

“Did she just text you again?” he asked through gritted teeth when Kevin’s mobile chirped. “Is she saying anything about me?”

“Cedric, please.”

Cedric.

He called me Cedric
.

For weeks he had been oddball, babe, and honey, and now he was
Cedric
.

It sounded entirely too cold, and he didn’t like it at all.

“I’m terribly sorry about the way things went between me and your ex-wife,” he tried again. Maybe a different approach would work. “I don’t know what—” He shut his mouth when Kevin frowned and lifted his hand.

“Let’s not talk about this,” he interjected in a harsh tone. “I’ve had enough for tonight.”

Cedric scratched the back of his neck, tugged his lip ring, and gripped his knees.

He wanted to ask Kevin who he was most upset with. Find out how much tonight’s episode would change their relationship, and get some reassurance that Kevin wouldn’t give up on him. But he didn’t.

For the first time since they had met, Kevin was in dire need of some quiet time himself, and Cedric would give it to him even if he had to cut off his bloody tongue and throw it out the window.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Kevin wasn’t a stranger to worries and preoccupations. He’d been handling big boy responsibilities since he was twenty years old. Marriage—even though he’d questioned his orientation on a daily basis—work, mortgage, kids, home and health insurance, and how to make ends meet when work slowed down and there wasn’t enough money, had been a constant in his life. He’d stressed over those things, and many others, until he got sick to his stomach, but it wasn’t until tonight that he had learned what frayed nerves really meant.

Hard as he tried, he couldn’t remember any other time when he’d been more ready to throw in the towel, and get away from everything. Truthfully, there had not been any other occasion when he’d felt as ambushed, disappointed, guilty, or overwhelmed as he did right now.

Ambushed, because his lover had turned into someone jealous and insecure, and his usually encouraging ex-wife had been far from supportive.

Disappointed, because Jenny had allowed Cedric’s appearance to color her judgment, and flat out demanded Kevin keep his “drug-dealing boyfriend away from our kids” in the last text message she’d sent him.

Guilty, because more than anything right now, he wished Cedric would get hold of his neurosis… and because he had Cedric believing he’d done something wrong, when Kevin knew damn well the current situation was entirely his own fault.

And overwhelmed, because up until tonight his existence had been compartmentalized. As far as he could tell it wasn’t a calculated decision, but there was no denying he’d been leading two separate lives. His crazy schedule, and the fact that he was still in the closet might have prompted, and facilitated that.

He was a student, and a hard worker. Some days he was Cedric’s lover, and others he was his children’s dad. But tonight his two personas had collided, and he had no idea how to be both at the same time.

On the bright side, he also felt proud of his kids for the way they had handled themselves, so he guessed it wasn’t all bad, but sadly, that didn’t quell his desire to tuck tail and run for a while.

Kevin glanced at his lover as he turned onto his street. Cedric was pale and withdrawn, and he hadn’t said a word or moved a muscle since Kevin asked him to shut it. He knew he’d been a bit harsh, but he couldn’t deal with Cedric’s need for reassurance at the moment, and Kevin would eat his damn hard hat if that wasn’t what Cedric wanted.

He couldn’t offer reassurance when he was on the verge of having a conniption. At the moment, he didn’t have it in him to calm down people, or figure out a way to make things right for them. He couldn’t even decide which fucked up incident—out of the twenty within the past three hours—bothered him the most. It was a toss-up between listening to Jenny stereotype his lover—never mind he’d already known something like that could happen—or finding out Cedric might take off.

Probably permanently, and leaving
him
behind.

He pulled into his driveway, turned off the SUV, and got out without looking at Cedric. “Wait here while I get the kids in bed,” he instructed over his shoulder. “I’ll get them settled in, and leave the coast clear for your presence.”

Shit
.

He rubbed his face tiredly, then reached inside the SUV and seized one of Cedric’s hands with his. “I shouldn’t have said that.” It was snarky, and out of line, but he didn’t have it in him to apologize. Much as he wanted to help Cedric in every possible way, the truth was
tonight
Kevin hated how different the guy was. And he felt like shit as a result. “Will you be okay?”

Cedric’s eyes bored into his for a second. He gave a short nod before retrieving his hand. “I’ll be peachy.”

The response irked Kevin to no end.

Cedric claimed he would be fine, which was exactly how Kevin needed him to be, yet he looked and sounded anything but. And
that
was one of the reasons Kevin was crawling in his skin. He felt responsible for Cedric’s well-being on top of everything else, and he resented his lover for not being fully functional when Kevin could’ve used his help.