Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (58 page)

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift”

(M
ATTHEW
5:23-24).

— When you have been wronged

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’”

(M
ATTHEW
18:15-16).

When you’ve been hurt, you first need to bury the hatchet in your dispute-filled ditch before you can climb out. Early in America’s history the tomahawk, or war hatchet, was used as a war club and hunting weapon. But when peace was forged with an enemy, a ceremonial tomahawk was buried in the ground. From this old Indian custom comes the expression “burying the hatchet”—a phrase that speaks of a sincere commitment to forgive and be reconciled. Unfortunately, many people who bury the hatchet still leave the handle exposed! First Peter 3:9 says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

How to Bury the Hatchet

Prepare
your heart for seeking reconciliation. Be willing to…

— view the conflict as an opportunity for growth.
³

— learn what God wants you to learn.
⁴

— discover that you are partly at fault.
⁵

— expose your weaknesses.

— be open with your feelings.

— risk the relationship.

— accept a negative outcome.

— pray for God’s will to be done.

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful”

(C
OLOSSIANS
3:15).

Know
that refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your relationship with God. Humble your heart and pray,

— “Lord, I don’t want to be prideful and unbending.”

— “Lord, I want Your favor on my life—not Your disfavor.”

— “Lord, I want to reflect Your character and be open to reconciliation.”

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God”

(M
ATTHEW
5:9).

Seek
forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person.

— “I have tried to see our relationship from your point of view.”

— “I realize I’ve been wrong in my attitude of ____________.”

— “Will you forgive me?”

“If you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this…to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor’s hands: Go and humble yourself; press your plea with your neighbor!”

(P
ROVERBS
6:2-3).

Recognize
the ground rules of communication.
⁶

— Offer unconditional acceptance.

— Confront the problem, not the person.

— Listen without interrupting.

— Verbalize your feelings.

— Use words that build self-worth.

— Aim for mutual understanding.

— Give more than you take.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love”

(E
PHESIANS
4:2).

Be kind and gentle
, trusting God to work in the heart of the other person.
⁷

— Don’t harbor resentment.

— Don’t make excuses for yourself.

— Don’t get drawn into arguments.

— Don’t fail to pray.

— Don’t have expectations of immediate acceptance.

“The Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth”

(2 T
IMOTHY
2:24-25).

Reflect
the character of Christ in all you do. In order to prepare your heart to reflect the character of Christ, pray,

— “Lord, I die to my personal rights.”

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me”

(G
ALATIANS
2:20).

— “Lord, I die to defending myself.”

“The L
ORD
is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped”

(P
SALM
28:7).

— “Lord, I die to relying on my own abilities.”

“He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe”

(P
ROVERBS
28:26).

Enlist
a mediator if necessary.
⁸

— Pray for God to prepare the heart of your opposer for mediation.

— Seek a person whom your opposer can respect.

— Say, “At times an outside person can have a different perspective that is more objective. Would you consider having a mediator help us think through our problems with the hope of reaching a successful end?”

“If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’”

(M
ATTHEW
18:16).

Do not hold yourself responsible
for the outcome.
⁹

— When reconciliation is refused, don’t live with false guilt.

— You cannot force reconciliation to occur.

— Everyone is individually responsible to God.

“Each of us will give an account of himself to God”

(R
OMANS
14:12).

Rest
in the knowledge you have done all you can to seek peace.

— Continue to show love and treat the other person with forgiveness.

— Thank God for giving you the desire to be at peace with everyone.

— Praise God for His commitment to orchestrate your own spiritual growth.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone”

(R
OMANS
12:18).

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up”

(G
ALATIANS
6:9).

Remember:

— If your heart has been repentant, you have God’s total forgiveness.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”

(1 J
OHN
1:8-9).

— Pray for those who refuse reconciliation—for their unmet need.

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”

(M
ATTHEW
5:44).

— God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship.

“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

(P
SALM
34:18).

— Control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation.

“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse”

(R
OMANS
12:14).

— Don’t be vengeful—in time, God deals with those who do wrong.

“Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord”

(R
OMANS
12:19).

— God will bring something good out of the pain.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”

(I
SAIAH
43:18-19).

Reconciliation is restoring a relationship based on restored trust. It requires repentance and is to be extended only when earned.

—JH

2 Corinthians 5:17-18

Proverbs 6:2-3

Proverbs 28:14

Matthew 5:23-24

Matthew 5:44

Matthew 6:14-15

Matthew 18:15-16

Ephesians 4:29

Romans 12:17-18

Romans 12:20-21

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Adultery, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Anger, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Crisis Intervention, Decision Making, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Forgiveness, Hope, Marriage, Rejection, Self-worth
.

N
othing ravages a heart like rejection. Has someone dear to you walked out of your life, leaving you in the ditch of despair, feeling devalued? Were you told, “You should
never
have been born. You were never wanted. You will never amount to anything”? When you feel painfully rejected by a special person, take comfort in these tender words:

“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

(P
SALM
34:18).