Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (56 page)

Q:
Is there really a problem with marrying an unbeliever whom I love? I believe our love will overcome all our problems.

A:
Although your non-Christian fiancé may have many positive qualities, you need to be realistic about the long-term ramifications of marrying a nonbeliever. Assuming you become yoked to him in marriage…

— if he is headed toward darkness, where are you pulled?

— if he is headed toward death, where are you pulled?

— if he is headed toward destruction, where are you pulled?

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers…what fellowship can light have with darkness?…What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?… Therefore come out from them and be separate”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
6:14-15,17).

Q:
I agreed to marry someone I really don’t want to marry. Won’t God stop the marriage if it’s not His will?

A:
No. God doesn’t stop you from exercising your free will when you know a decision is against His will. To communicate His will, God either gives you His peace or withholds it. If God has not given you His peace, it’s up to you to obey by not marrying this person.

“The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:7).

Because no one is perfect, selecting a perfect marriage partner is impossible. But certain questions can help you determine whether a person would be a
great
mate or not. For example, an excellent predictor of the future is wrapped up in the question, How does he treat his mother? or How does she treat her father? The following checklist is composed of other questions that, when answered, will help in the selection of a great mate.

Is this a person…

— about whom God has given me peace as a marriage partner?

— who is growing spiritually?

— whose values I greatly respect?

— with whom I can communicate honestly?

— who refuses to become bitter?

— who is responsible?

— who desires sexual purity?

— who has a joyful heart and not a critical spirit?

— capable of a lifelong commitment?

— who loves God first and then loves me?

— who does not depend solely on me for happiness?

— who values the life God has given each of us?

— who honors and shows respect to both of our parents?

— who is flexible and willing to make adjustments?

— who “fights fairly”?

— with whom I can laugh and cry?

— who reads God’s Word and prays with me now?

— with whom I strongly desire to share the rest of my life?

A couple who wants to experience the maximum out of their marriage needs to look at God’s original design for the marital relationship. The Bible tells us that marriage is to reflect the sacrificial love that Christ has for His bride, the church. Although the backgrounds of a husband and wife may be different and expectations may differ, they can develop unity of heart through mutual submission and godly respect for one another.

“Submit one to another out of reverence for Christ… Each one of you [husbands] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”

(E
PHESIANS
5:21,33).

The best marriage bond is this: two people committed to Christ and, together, committed to each other.

—JH

Genesis 2:24

Exodus 20:12

Proverbs 11:3

Hebrews 13:4

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

1 John 4:18

Proverbs 27:5-6

Ephesians 5:15

Psalm 86:11

Ephesians 5:21

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Adultery, Dating, Decision Making, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Financial Freedom, Forgiveness, Hope, Identity, Marriage, Parenting, Self-worth, Sexual Integrity, Singleness
.

T
hat which was designed by God to be an expression of love can be twisted into a horrendous and hateful act. Rape is a vile act of violence that humiliates and degrades like no other, assaulting body, soul, and spirit and sending the victim into a ditch of shock and shame. In the midst of a victim’s suffering, the Lord sees and grieves, and is willing to bring emotional help and spiritual hope for true inner healing.

“The L
ORD
is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit”

(P
SALM
34:18).

Rape
is sexual intercourse by threat, force, or deception, victimizing males as well as females.
¹
It is grossly misunderstood:

Myth:
Women secretly want to be raped.

Truth:
No one wants to be a victim of a violent criminal act. No one wants to be violated either sexually or emotionally by another person. Ezekiel 45:9 says, “Give up your violence and oppression and do what is just and right.”

Myth:
Rape fulfills sexual needs.

Truth:
Rape is
not
about sex. Within God’s heart, sex is an act of love. Within a rapist’s heart, sex is an act of violence. In fact, rape and sex are opposites. By definition, sex requires consent. But sex without consent is rape. Genesis 19:7 calls rape “wicked.” When men from Sodom and Gomorrah were intent on rape, they were told, “Don’t do this wicked thing.”

Statutory rape
is sexual intercourse with a female or male under the legal age of consent, with or without force and when the victimizer is more than two years older than the victim.

—
Consent
is not an issue, and the legal age of consent varies from state to state or region.
²

—
Aggravated sexual assault
is a legal term used in the prosecution of a statutory rape offense.

Stranger rape
is forced sexual intercourse by one who is unknown to the victim.

Myth
: Provocative women cause rape.

Truth:
No one causes one person to rape another. The most probable victim is someone who appears vulnerable. Regardless of how a person dresses or behaves, no one deserves to be raped. The responsibility lies with the rapist, not the victim (Psalm 36:2-4).

Date/acquaintance rape
is nonconsensual sexual intercourse by people socially acquainted.

— The vast majority of rapes are committed by someone known to the victim (boyfriend, relative, coworker, neighbor, friend, spouse). These rapes are the most difficult to convince a victim to report. Yet Ecclesiastes 8:11 warns, “When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, the hearts of the people are filled with schemes to do wrong.”

— The Jewish law clearly communicates the severe consequences of rape in ancient Israel (Deuteronomy 22:25-26).

Mate rape
is forced sexual relations by a husband.

— Unfortunately, many states exempt a husband from prosecution for the rape of his wife.

Myth:
A wife must be subject to sexual relations at
any time
with her husband. The Bible says wives are never to deprive their husbands sexually” (1 Corinthians 7:4).

Truth:
A wife is not a piece of property. Sexual expression was designed by God to be an act of love, not violence. Forced sex is not love, but is the opposite. The Bible is clear: “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19).

Gang/group/pack rape
is sexual assault by two or more people and is one of the most cruel and brutal crimes imaginable (Judges 19:25).

For approximately two days to two weeks, the victim is traumatized:

T
Terror—Extreme fear, causing flashbacks, nightmares

R
Refusal—Denial, causing memory loss or minimizing

A
Anger—Rage, causing an inability to eat or sleep

U
Uncontrollable actions—Feeling overwhelmed, causing hysteria, sobbing

M
Misplaced guilt—Self-blame, causing nausea, diarrhea

A
Anxiety—Apprehension, causing severe muscle tension, fatigue

The rape victim has the same reactions recorded by the writer of Psalm 55:4-7:

“My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me…Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.”

For up to a year or longer, perhaps until death, the victim will teeter up and down, sometimes suppressing emotions and sometimes surfacing emotions.

Fears of the Victim

The rape survivor will feel increased calm by repeating over and over, in prayer, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you” (Psalm 56:3).

Some survivors never make it to this stage. Those who do will experience peace.