Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (32 page)

It completely missed the radar. It was also quite an eye opener. It was hard for me to grasp because it gradually became worse over the years we were together. It started out subtly. By the time I had visited the priest, He had been messing around with men for 5 or so years, and had stopped “messing” with me about 3 years prior.

Now that I am detached from the situation, I look back at those times and realize why it happened this way. I understand why the emotional abuse occurred. I suddenly became the poster child for all he could not be - he could not be straight. If I tried to approach him for affection, he would chide me or use some sort of conversational situation to keep me away. It was easier for him that way. He knew he couldn’t “perform”, and he also wasn’t ready to face the truth or come out to me with honesty. So, he used emotional abuse to keep me away. It worked.

My ex and I maintain a very cordial and friendly relationship. Our marriage failed but our relationship is a success. I also remarried a straight man a couple of months ago. So, life does go on...

Regards,

Jill

Hi Bonnie:

I have been getting your newsletter for a few years and I LOVE IT!! I was married to a man for about 12 years who was gay and “fighting” those feelings. Throughout our entire marriage, I had to fight for his attention, his support and his part of the parenting. Finally, I could not take much more and asked for a divorce. Then and only then did he admit to it. That revelation opened the other end of the package for me. Many years I was dealing with ½ of an opened box. Unfortunately, what was to come was not pleasant. It was MY fault that he was Gay. It was NOT the fact that he knew at an early age and suppressed it. Three gorgeous daughters later, this is what I had to crawl through. I begged him not to tell them, a counselor begged him. Our counselor felt that divorce was enough for three children under the age of 7 had to deal with. The time to bring them up to date would eventually follow; just not at this time. However, that was not to be. Their father decided that they needed to know that because I wanted to divorce their father, he has decided to be Gay. As you can imagine I had my work cut out for me.

Four years later we are doing well. I am proud to say that the things we deal with are somewhat normal, i.e., boys, make-up, shopping!! We do have our moments. In between all of that I was able to reconnect with a very dear friend from 18 years ago. He had a divorce with its own circumstances. However, we are married and in the process of integrated our families.

As far as my ex-husband is concerned, we are finally on the road to understanding and agreeing to disagree. Of course, I still battle the occasional innuendo from him that implies if I had not asked for the divorce, we would still be together. Sure, we might have, but we would also have been dealing with the ever-growing elephant in the room.

Suzanne

Hi Bonnie,

Sometimes I wake up and I can’t believe I’m so happy and free.... I look back into last year...I am a totally different person.... it’s like I have transformed from a caterpillar to a butterfly...even though I wasted so many years in my mismarriage…and I can’t get those 13 years back...but now I am looking forward to many years with my new love.... Bonnie he is so wonderful...when I’m with him I am reminded of Aretha Franklin’s song.... He makes me feel like a natural woman...he makes me feel loved, desired, needed, special, beautiful...I could go on and on....I want to help...I want to be support for pain pals...I think I can encourage someone out there who is afraid of leaving and starting their life over....Bonnie everyday and every night I pray to God and thank him for sending you to my life..Because of you I have a bright and wonderful future to look forward to...love you.

Connie

Bonnie,

I want to thank you for your newsletter. Your words and the other peoples, even after 5 years being divorced, make me feel stronger when I read them. It reinforces things for me. It’s like my monthly boost of confidence. I say this because I am in an usual situation. I still own a business with my ex. We work together 6 days a week. He did all the usual things, denial, treating me badly, making me feel like things were my fault; we all know the game.....

Anyway by the time I got to my senses and realized I COULD get out, he was in a full blown relationship and basically staying with this man at night and sneaking home in the morning. Before that, he actually had this man stay over OUR house in his bedroom. Imagining finding that when you wake up in the morning. I put my foot down and said not in my house, that’s why he was sneaking and staying at the boyfriend’s house. Anyway, my stories could fill pages of what went on. When I read what you say, I finally understand why I put up with this. I had always questioned myself. I am a smart business person. What was I thinking?

I had gone to counseling before I confronted and outted him. I still continue to do so every other week. I am still working on my selfesteem and working on understanding to try to start on a new relationship with a heterosexual man. My ex was my one and only boyfriend. We started going out when I was 15. I have been on dates since the divorce. I had a long distance relationship with someone for 4 years after my divorce. That was easy. I think that’s why I did that. I am ready for a relationship now and I am having a real hard time trusting. Men say I won’t let them in. I have had too many men in my life let me down. I guess I still have unresolved issues there. I feel great; I would just like someone to share my life with. Anyway, I have had 3 different counselors to date. One started to act like my dad, was pushing me to hard. I knew it was time to change. I really don’t think the counselors get it. It helps but I don’t think the truly understand the depth of what I have been through. It shakes you to your core. It questions everything you have done and everything you are. Since, I was with my ex so long, I really didn’t know what I liked, who I was, what I wanted. He controlled so much of my life for the majority of it.

I am 45 now. I was married 20 years. I have been divorced 5. I am feeling great. I have lost a lot of weight, have I more to go. I am like a new person, rediscovering myself. I feel like a teenager. He wasted a good portion of my life with him but I have 2 great kids and I thank God everyday for them. I feel if not for the marriage, I would not have those beautiful children that I love so much. They got me through all this. I was strong for them. They have been the ones hurt the most in all this. I do not think the men think about them. I wanted so much more for my children. I can only hope I did what was right for them.

Your newsletters have answered a lot of my questions. They make me feel like I was not alone in all this. Years ago, when I first found out, I was so ashamed. I only wish I knew about you back then. Thanks again for everything you do.

E.

Dear Bonnie,

I read your newsletter and I hurt for those others that have to go through a thing like me. I have been with my husband 35 years this year and 4 years prior to that dating.

I found out about my husband in 89 and I was in so much disbelief that I blocked it from my mind and he went to counseling for me and I did too. Then in 99 it came up again when I found some gay porn books hidden. I knew then it was still going on. I had a nervous breakdown for the second time in 10 years. I have been in and out of hospitals with suicidal intensions. Now I’m better but I can’t get over the fact that my husband has been gay all these years and before our marriage. I feel trapped. I still love and care about him and I am disabled and have limited income and could not make it on my own. Am I to stay in a miserable state just because I see no way out? I can’t see leaving him as everyone thinks we are the perfect couple married 35 years and childhood sweethearts. I also can’t see staying forever and be heartbroken. I feel like a heavy dark cloud is over me. I’m in deep depression. There is no sex no kisses to speak of and hardly a hug. The only hugs I get are from the grandkids. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Signed, Confused in Fl.

Hi Bonnie-

As always - thank you for your newsletter. Though I am one of those lucky women who have moved on... little things still surface and remind me where I came from and your newsletter often does that. This one especially! And to be honest, I don’t want to forget because now I can see how much I have grown. Below you stated something that is so very true:

“One of life’s great lessons to me is that the most important
person to receive love from is YOU. This means that you need to
find yourself again or the person you were before you married
your gay husband. Most of us lose ourselves in our marriages to
our gay husbands because we are trying so hard to be who we
are not, just like they are trying to be who they are not.”

Just a few weeks ago I was trying to explain to my boyfriend that sometimes I may be hesitant in my decision making process and that it has nothing to do with him....but that I struggle in myself for the balance to
love him freely and to never lose myself again
! Because of my marriage to a gay man (15+ years) I am so programmed to please in order to be loved. I have to be very aware of my own actions and I don’t ever want to lose myself again.....it was a very painful process to realize that I gave away my dreams and who I was to keep the relationship with my former husband. I had not even realized that I had done that until I was out of it. I also now know what it is like to have someone love me for who I am. The good, bad and ugly! :-}