Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (28 page)

And yet, women want so badly to believe that the worst is not the worst, but rather some mistaken moment of stupidity…. weakness…. boredom…. mid-life crisis…. past sexual abuse issues resurfacing… and so on and so on. Here’s the funny thing. These women come to me looking for the truth, but when I give it to them “straight,” they don’t want to hear it. It’s like I need to be challenged at least once a week by some woman who will insist that her situation won’t be like the other ones I write about. After all, her husband has always been so good…so honest…such a good friend…you know the story. These women are way beyond swimming down the river of De’Nile; they are building a Mountain of DENIAL. I send them directly to those other groups on the Internet who sit and complain while they figure out why life is so much better living with a “Bi” man than “No” man.

One woman sent me an interesting thought. After gathering information about her husband’s homosexuality and confronting him, he replied, “I’m not gay—I’m straight with problems.” Wow—a new category. Now I could add that to the “A” sexual,” “Bi-Sexual,” “Metrosexual,” “Limbo,” and “Straight-Gay Man” categories that are taking up a lot of my mental time explaining to women, but I’ve come up with my new terminology that will stop men from having to pick and choose which column of the menu they are on at any given year or what rung they are standing on of the Kinsey scale while they are scaling up and down between 1 and 6.

From now on, we can call these men “Penis Men.” It’s so simple—it’s not a choice of where a man is, but rather of what he wants. We don’t have to use that ghastly “G” word anymore—we can use the trendier and more upscale “P” word. If a man is thinking about it, viewing male porno sites, fantasizing about it, or actually acting on it, he’s a “P Man.” It sounds more honest than “Bisexual” and gives no false hope that he’s going to want you, a woman, more one day than he does a man.

“P Men” sort of sound like that Elton John song “Rocket Man.” We can even change the words to our cause:

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time
Till touching down there brings me round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I’m a Penis Man
Penis man burning out his fuse out there alone….

Since Elton John is an open “P Man,” maybe he won’t mind too much if I adapted those lyrics for the future.

Bottom line for our women—if he’s a “P Man,” you know that means he’s a “G” man. But we’ll let him think he’s just a “P”!

JULY 2008

A
BOUT
G
AY
H
USBANDS

Each year, I receive approximately 200 letters or calls from gay men who are seeking answers to their confusing situation. Some of them are open to listening and HEARING what I have to say. They feel scared, sorry, remorseful, and a bunch of other appropriate adjectives that express how sad they really are about the situation. I love hearing from these men because I feel their wives will have an easier time in making the adjustment out of the marriage.

But then I hear from too many gay men who JUST DON’T GET IT. Either they feel like they are the victims or they feel their wives are not. They look to make excuses as to why their marriages have moved downhill and give me a long laundry list—literally. “My wife is lazy—she won’t even do the laundry.” Okay. That must be the reason why your marriage is broken. When I mention the “G” factor, I’m assured that’s the least of the problems. After all, they are good, loving, supportive husbands. Some of them even pay the rent. Doesn’t that prove it?

Somehow, they are trying to justify what can’t be justified—their homosexuality in the marriage. I always say that people have no choice in their sexuality. I will always believe that to my last breath. However, what they do with it is another story—that is a choice. And you know that I am sympathetic—much more so than many others in this situation. I know the pain gay people go through living in a world where they are constantly reminded that they are making their own choices and will spend a life in damnation for it. It’s easy to see why those who can, choose the “escape route” of marriage. And you know I’m also a strong believer that these men do love us when they get married in almost all cases. They really want to be good husbands and fathers and make the marriages work. They believe that love will cure all—including their homosexuality. We all know that doesn’t happen.

But where I have a hard time feeling sympathetic is when there’s no sense of responsibility for the years of deceit that so many of these husbands put us through. Case in point: I recently had been in touch with a gay husband who is getting ready to split. He knows that his marriage is a sham and he can’t keep living cooped up in a lie. He had no problem being honest with me, but he said he does have an issue with being honest with his wife. He asked me, “Why is it necessary to be honest with my wife? Plenty of marriages split up. Why do I have to make it because it’s a gay issue? Why can’t I just say that it’s because we’re not compatible?”

Yikes!!! Actually, double Yikes!!! He doesn’t get it. I’ve tried to explain to him that your wife has suffered for years wondering why your marriage isn’t working and blaming herself. She hasn’t tried hard enough…looked good enough…been supportive enough….we all know the drill.

I explained to this man that he OWES the TRUTH to his wife. Yes, she’ll be angry. Yes, it will be the worst day of his life and the hardest decision he ever has to make. But if you love someone, you owe it to her to tell her that she is not the problem in the marriage, but rather homosexuality is. At first, he said no thank you. He didn’t like my advice, but he was a reasonable, receptive man. After a few correspondences, he was at least thinking about telling her down the line. I told him NO. Down the line is too long and too far away. These guys don’t understand that every day we live with this ball of confusion is another day that we lose of ourselves.

Too many of our women spend years and years of their lives living in a world of deception. Ten, twenty, and thirty plus years is too long of a life term to spend wondering why we can’t make the man we love happy. We try to comfort him in every way known to humanity to try to make him happy, and yet we fail. We don’t believe that this failure is self-induced—we internalize it and blame ourselves.

Whether it’s emotional rejection or sexual rejection—IT HURTS. How many nights do our women go to bed crying themselves to sleep wondering why their marriages aren’t gelling? How many times do we sit and wonder what there is about our bodies, our shapes, our odors that repel our husbands to spiral away from us sexually? Do they realize how hurtful a simple comment like, “You smell bad” when they touch our womanly parts makes us feel? Is it any wonder that we just give up for fear of feeling “dirty” or “inadequate”? Do they have a clue as to how we eventually let that part of us die rather than be called names like “sex crazy” or “nymphomaniac”? And when your sexual esteem is destroyed, part of your identity as a woman is destroyed as well.

I try to explain to gay husbands that it’s not just about ending a marriage. It’s about ending a dream for many women who went into their marriages filled with love, ideas, life-time plans and expectations. And yes, plenty of marriages between straight people end as well. But they “feel” different. I know. I’ve had both. The issues are different. The deterioration of the relationship is different. And that is because in additional to the standard problems that all couples face, the emotional distancing and sexual rejection is an added feature that most straight marriages don’t go through. I haven’t run across too many straight men who don’t want to have sex or belittle you because you want to have it. In fact, I find that straight men WANT to have sex—and beyond that, they enjoy “making love.” They cherish it and enjoy it—and they want YOU to enjoy it. I’m blessed to have a wonderful partner who after 14 and a half years still excites me with passion and sexual fulfillment. And we’re middle aged!

I think what these husbands just don’t get is that it is not just them who are living a lie. They are dragging us through their lies as well. They think they are “hiding” their secret lives from us, but we know that things are off kilter—we just don’t know why because they are not honest. Even though telling us the truth will not be pleasant or easy, they owe it to us. For every day we have suffered with self-doubt about ourselves as women and wives, they owe us at least that. Too many of our women will never know the truth because their husbands are cowards. They would rather have us sit and suffer than step up to the plate and tell the truth. This is the tragedy.

PART TWO
LETTERS FROM MY WOMEN

T
HE
M
AILBAG
L
ETTERS

Every month, the members of my support network send me letters in response to the newsletters. I am sharing some of the most emotionally hitting ones that everyone can relate to. Hopefully they will confirm everything I am saying—and everything you are feeling.

Dear Bonnie,

I anxiously await your newsletter each month and it has been so helpful and true. I would just like to comment on two points that you brought up in this January letter: Abuse.

This may sound so sad and pathetic but I thought I needed to share it with others: I used to pray that my husband would hit me or physically do something so I could go to the police or a family member for help. How can you go to someone and say “he calls me names or he makes me feel worthless?” The local police would have laughed me out of the station. How low could one woman go as to wish she could get beat up in order to be relieved of the pain?

The second point that I would like to bring up is the eternal denying of being gay and even the possibility of him marrying another woman to prove to the world that I am a liar, (bitch, pick a name) etc. At the urging of my husband’s therapist he finally told me and our 14 year old daughter that he was gay. A few months later he was able to tell his parents and sister. Now he is begging us all not to tell anyone. He now claims his therapist says that it was a scheme he thought up because it was the only way I could understand that he wanted a divorce and didn’t want to hurt me. In other words he is really not gay. Yea right. I am begging women not to fall into this sick elaborate trap. What kind of a mind could think of this? Apparently a very scared and sickly complex one. Five years ago I would have believed it. I would have wanted to believe it in the worst way. But all I can say is you have to be ready to hear and feel it. Nothing I say or you say can convince a broken heart but reading about it takes you down the path you may not initially want to be on but you know it is the right road.

Very sincerely yours,

Susanne

Dear Bonnie Kaye,

I could just HUG you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your newsletter is RIGHT ON TARGET this month!!! I could never put into words how bad I felt about myself for the snooping and suspecting any man he ever talked to, the wild thoughts and visions that filled my every waking and sleeping moments ..... and the mental torment I put myself through, beating myself up for that!

It is SO NICE to be OUT of the TWILIGHT ZONE, as you so perfectly put it! Admittedly, those thoughts or visions still creep in occasionally and I still have those “DUHHHHHH CLUE # 4,653 moments” when I remember something he said or something he did ..... but, I know it was NOT MY FAULT and we truly WERE in different ballparks, although he had hung Yankee signs in the Boston park and I thought I was in NY.

Thank you - thank you - thank you!!!!!!!! I REALLY needed this today!!!

Keep up your good work ..... you are helping more people than you will ever know!

Joanie

Bonnie,

Not taking the whole thing personally, like “If I had been a better wife, mother, and lover, I wouldn’t be divorced!” is very hard. I need to remember that from time to time. On the subject of how they try to make it our fault, my ex told me that I spent too much time reading, doing craft projects and going to church. He accused me of wanting to make him into “Pot Roast Harry” whoever that is.........