Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (35 page)

I was not educated at all about gay men, never thought I had to be because who would have thought that a gay man would have any interest in a woman. He even called me his best friend so often, but I just thought this was another good thing...you and your husband should be best friends. Recently, he told me that when we married, he committed to a good friendship with me. I was shocked! I said I committed to a loving husband/wife relationship with him. I realized more and more that this was never going to be the deep, meaningful, close, intimate, passionate relationship that I had dreamed of. I felt sick. I was so confused about what it really was though. Now, I see and have been almost physically ill over it whenever I think of what it is and has been. I cry inside for the death of what I had hoped it would be). Now, I just want to be me again and not to be distrusting or cold myself. Lacking intimacy has made me force myself to not want it. Yet, I want it so much. It is horrible, because I am a very sensual, sexual, loving person. I have given up so much, missed out on so much. I want him to go to where and whom he needs. I want to reclaim myself.

Reading your book, as well as your newsletters, has helped immeasurably, tremendously. I feel hope and see a light at the end of my tunnel. Thank God! All I am waiting for at this place in time is to find a good-paying job so that I can take care of myself and get on with my life. I know there will be other obstacles in getting out of this marriage, but at least I have finally found the strength within myself to make the change that needs to be made. I don’t hate my husband. I feel deceived. I know he will get along just fine because he is a true survivor, so I do not worry about him. I am numb and still indifferent about him, but I don’t wish him any misery. I just need to focus on myself now (all this time in this marriage I have given love and focus to him); it’s my turn.

Well, Bonnie, thank you for listening. I feel blessed and fortunate to have you there to talk and listen to in this huge painful matter in my life. I know you truly feel and empathize with this problem (a problem I share with so many, each with our own situation). I agree with your direct approach. A gay man has no business being married to a straight woman. It is not a healthy marital relationship. If gay and straight have a friendship, that’s fine. But it should not ever be a marriage. They can never fulfill each other in a way that marriage requires.

Barbara

Bonnie,

I love reading your newsletters, but wanted to remind others out there not all gay spouses are uninterested in sex. I am married to a perfectionist, overly critical to others yet hypersensitive to even the most innocent criticism toward him. He always has to be the best at everything - he was raised to think this is the way the world works and you have to care what others think about you... he has to have the best house, the best car, the best career - and he thrives at almost all he does. He is an executive at a prestigious company and plays that role well. Having a wife and kids helps maintain that ‘image’ of the perfect guy. He does initiate sex (I do not want it) -- he refers to me as ‘his wife’ and says a husband is supposed to make love to his wife...he gets upset if we do not have sex. He has no idea it is not his right or obligation! Is he not gay? Of course he is gay... the signs were all there. From his anger lashing out over silly unimportant thing, especially women (he has a deep seated disrespect of women) and acting giddy around the guys, to the internet gay porn , to the ridiculous excuses for coming home late and the frequency of it, to the eventual discovery of gay chat and email propositions to other men from him for a ‘round of golf and BJ at the turn’... though he denies, denies, denies - and makes every excuse he can to justify things -deep in my heart I know he is gay. Deep in my heart I realize he does not love me the way I need or deserve to be or be my full partner because he does not have the ability to fully partner with me - a woman... I am planning my exit -- though my plan encompasses a number of years (small kids and money reasons are keeping me here - for now)... I do enjoy my weekly therapy sessions and the knowledge of knowing this is not going to be the relationship my children see as ‘normal’ for the rest of their lives...

To all other readers, keep in mind lack of interest in sex is only one sign...but not a telltale sign...

one sign...but not Belinda

Dear Bonnie,

I wrote you a few months ago, just before your surgery. I had found out that my husband was downloading child porn off the internet (when the police arrived with a search warrant) and after being confronted he also admitted to being gay. The letter from ‘B’ was dead on. Her description of her marriage was mine. Her feelings of not knowing who she is any more is me. It is so freeing to read what I have been unable to express. My marriage will officially be over by the time you read this letter. Would I have ever had the courage to do it if he hadn’t been found with internet child porn? Who knows, it doesn’t matter anymore. The truth has set me free and I am free indeed!

To all you ladies who are wondering if you can make it on your own, or whether it’s worth the risk--it’s worth it! I have not had a single night since changing the locks that I had to deal with a temper tantrum over the dinner I had slaved to cook, no hissy fits about the laundry not be folded ‘just so’, no rage and anger strikes over the simplest of things--I have peace! I come home to a sanctuary! It is worth it for your sanity and that of your children! Have I had sleepless nights? Yes, but I had them before as I lay awake in fear of what would set him off the next day so I can handle it. Have I laid in bed and cried? But I cried before, silent tears of pain after being rejected in bed again or from overwhelming, aching loneliness and pent of passion, these tears are good ones that release the pain and bring healing so I can handle it. Do I worry about finances? Yes, but I worried before too only now I am learning to ask God to direct me and take care of my needs and He is doing it so I can handle it.

God will protect you and provide if you trust Him! I had no car to drive to work. I prayed to God and told him I needed a car and reminded him that I had no money and that I was trusting Him to provide a car. WITHIN 1 1/2 WEEKS I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL- OUT OF THE BLUE--FROM SOMEONE WHO HAD DECIDED TO BUY A NEW CAR AND WOULD I WANT THEIR OLD ONE!!!!!! GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU!

To the gal who wrote that the therapist says he has a sexual addiction problem. Be careful. My soon-to-be-ex’s counselor is saying he has a sexual addiction problem too. BUT HE ISN’T INTERESTED IN SEX WITH WOMEN--don’t let them label it nicely and send him back home. He MAY have an addiction problem BUT IT’S WITH MEN! My ex tried to worm his way back into our home using this label. An alcoholic is an addict so I will use this as my example: I told him an alcoholic drinks everything at home FIRST, then goes out looking for more. Since he never ‘drank’ at home I wasn’t buying the counselors theory! Sex Addiction is just a pretty label to package him up and make him look legitimate again!

Well, anyway, glad I was able to get that off my chest. Honestly, ladies, just get out. Don’t wait, don’t plan, just get out. The peace and tranquility and immediate health you will begin to experience are far better than the hell you are living in. Feeling you are unloved and being unloved is like depriving flowers of water and watching them wither and die a slow and painful death. Your life has value and meaning and purpose and you are worth so much more than an existence of nothingness. Spread your wings, dare to dream, dare to fly. You can do it.

Patti

Dear Bonnie

Thank you for the awesome newsletter for August! WOW!!!

I sat here reading and reading and reading, and a couple of times I caught myself wanting to scream out, “THAT’S ME THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT”!!!!! How do they know this about my life??? I have goose bumps running up and down my spine, my arms, and my legs!! I cannot tell you how many of the letters I related to because I think a part of each one has a part of my life in it! I have been going over this for months and months and months now, trying to find my way out of this marriage and back into sanity!

Bonnie, I feel like a private investigator most days. My husband cannot speak without my subconscious telling me he is laying. Over the last few months, I have grown colder and more distant from him, finding more and more proof of his love for other men. Also Bonnie my husband has a huge boot fetish. He belongs to so many boot groups through yahoo and MSN and some I am sure I have not found out about yet, that all revert to gay/bi men who love their boots.

They all take pictures of themselves with nothing on but their boots! I have seen so many pictures of penises in the last 6 months it would make your head spin. These men get sexually aroused over boots. I do not understand this fetish. I have tried to justify it, but I cannot. My husband has over one hundred pair of cowboy boots, he tells me it’s because he collects them. OHHHH bull!! I have found pictures of him having sex with the boots and then posting these pictures to the gay websites!! I told him I found them, he said it is all in fun, it means nothing; he says it gives the other guys pleasure and perhaps that is the only pleasure they get that day. He acts like he is doing them a service, when in reality he is finding his sexual outlet without physically cheating on me! At least right now anyway.

I am sitting here wanting to scream, wanting to cry, wanting to run, I can’t explain everything I am feeling, I am so hurt, so mad, so downright pissed off at him! I pray that God helps me and I pray for all the women out there that have been hurt and deceived by these men.

I have tried to assure myself that if my husband was gay, he would not be turned on by me...he always initiates sex, always tells me I’m beautiful, his compliments are very sincere. I have told myself this same thing over and over and over. How can he be gay if he loves me??

I skate around here from day to day not knowing what kind of mood he will be in. One day he is funny and joking and loving, and all of us have a great day, the next day something as small as the newspaper flying off the table due to the ceiling fan ticks him off that he doesn’t speak to me for a week! One minute happy, the next minute he is so hateful I could punch his lights out. He always tries to make me believe that I am crazy, tells me that I’m nuts, he doesn’t act like this; I imagine it, that no one else has ever told him that he is mean or cruel. It’s always me that is negative about him. I have finally realized that I’m not mean or cruel to him, but he has so many bottled up issues that I feel he snaps. Maybe when he realizes he is enjoying his family that all of a sudden his gay guilt causes his attitude to plummet and takes it out on us. I don’t know.

I have read so many newsletters over the last several months and so many of your responses from your other readers, I could take a piece from every one of their stories and it would make up my life completely.

I do not know where I will be in another 6 months, I do not know if I will be here or if I will have finally gotten the nerve to do what has to be done. But all I know right now is that I feel so much better knowing that I am not in this mess alone, and to thank you for helping so many women rally together. If you would like to post my email please feel free to do so and if you want to put my email address with it that is fine also, as I would love to talk to some of these other women also.