Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (36 page)

Thank you Bonnie from the bottom of my heart, I know this email is a little babbled but I was just typing as fast as my mind was racing.

Anita

Dear Bonnie,

Another of my passions is trying to help other women who are going through or have gone through “the gay thing” with their “husbands” - - for lack of a better term!!! Another long story shortened - - at age 29 (I am now 53) I married a man I had known for 10 years and been engaged to for 2 years! I really don’t think I could have ever known anyone any better! Sam was a wonderful Southern gentleman, very well-educated and well-read, genius IQ, same values as I (so I was led to believe), gourmet cook, loved antiques - -my perfect man - - so I thought!

In short, I was married for 18 years to my (at one time) lover, best friend, and (I thought) “soul mate.” I stuck by him through thick and thin, good and bad, several of his threatened suicides (though in hindsight, they may have just been ploys to get my sympathy), but he was never able to be trustworthy for long and could never be counted on to provide steadily for his family. I was the rock, the steady one. I finally grew tired of all of his deceit [thinking and even being told by psychiatrists that he was depressed (“that is why he has no interest in sex with you”), had had overly demanding parents as a child, and was passive-aggressive]. After all those years, and with a 7-year-old daughter by him, I decided I could not take any more of his deceit and the lack of security I felt with him. (The lack of sex was there too, but it was just a small reason - - I could have lived without the sex, but I really did miss it so much! It had been wonderful in the beginning . . . .) Anyway, I did not want my daughter growing up in a household where we never knew whether Daddy would be coming home with a paycheck or not, or even where Daddy was on many occasions! (Offers to go to the grocery store for milk late at night and being gone for an hour, etc. - - and this was before cell phones!)

So I threw him out in 1998 and the divorce was final a year later. I started the new millennium as a free woman, but a woman who still felt very guilty for walking out on her marriage, and a woman really still in love with her husband, though unwilling to put up with his ways. (I took my marriage vows VERY seriously, having been raised in a strict Presbyterian household with wonderful strong parents and grandparents and no divorces in the family!)

Yes, looking back there were MANY clues over the years (read between the lines above!), but I really did not see them, though my father even asked me before the wedding if I was sure that Sam was not gay - - even my own father picked up the vibes all those years ago!! Anyway, I continued in denial, and continued to feel guilty for abandoning my husband, though I never even considered taking him back (nor did he ask, once the divorce was final). Finally, 3 years after our divorce (summer of 2002), I found out the truth and it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks!!! An old high school friend of mine who had finally come out of the closet told me that Sam had approached him over the Internet through a gay website. I was devastated, but finally all of the pieces of the puzzle fit!!! Much trauma and gnashing of the teeth, crying, total agony that I had lived with this all those years, testing for AIDS and other STDs (even though it had been about 8 years since Sam and I had had sex!!) at the Health Department the next day after learning the truth (I thank God that I am disease-free). But I really don’t think I could have handled this knowledge at the time of the divorce - - that would have been too much overload!! God knows what He is doing! Thanks (?) to network TV (“Will & Grace”) and other media, my daughter had started asking me 2 years earlier if Sam was gay - - at age 9 she had figured out that all of his friends were gay (they were becoming more flamboyant as their parents were dying off and she had picked up on this on her weekends with Sam - - of course, I was no longer seeing his friends). Anyway, about 2 weeks after I found out about Sam, I finally got him to face our then 11-year-old daughter and tell her the truth (she had been asking me for 2 weeks why I was so upset and crying all of the time and I thought she needed to hear this with both of us present). She took it well, but fell apart a couple of hours later when the reality hit her. I still have her working with a therapist, though much of that work now centers around normal teenage girl issues, thank goodness, instead of her gay father issues - - though they do crop up from time to time and she is very afraid that her friends (both girls and boys) will find out about him. Sam now has a “man-panion” and that upsets her greatly - - she has not met “the lover” and does not want to, of course. As she says: “Gross out!!!”

Anyway, I had been overweight - - a “fatty” - - all of my life with the small exception of a few years in college when I was a little smaller than the size I am now. I’m sure that my lack of self esteem from weight issues played into Sam’s hands when he chose me to marry - -I’m a classic example of the theories about women unknowingly married to gay men. But when I found out about Sam and began working through my anger and feelings all around that issue, it was like a light went off!! I finally gave myself permission to pay attention to myself! Within 3 months of learning about Sam, I was considering RNY surgery and within another 3 months I had found Dr. Rutledge and the MGB. I had my surgery at the end of June 2003. The truth really does set you free!!! God is good!! It has been amazing to me how all of this has tied together.

I’ve had a couple of dates in the last few months, but nothing of any interest or promise. I do hope that God has a good man picked out somewhere for me, but in the meantime, I am very happy with my life. I have a beautiful 14-year-old daughter that would not be here if God had not put me with Sam for all those years - - she is worth every bit of the anguish and pain that I have had. I feel great, I have NO medical problems, and I think I look pretty good, though no men ever “hit” on me. But then, men never have really “hit” on me - - must be my defective personality!! LOL!!!

Well, I’m sure that this is WAY more than you ever wanted to know about me. I do find that the thing that seems to help us the most as wives, ex-wives, and someday-to-be-ex-wives of gay men, is talking and sharing with each other. No one can really grasp or appreciate our special pain but another spouse who has been in our shoes. The pain is indescribable. I have found it very helpful to read everything I have been able to find on the subject (Bonnie’s books are great!) and to listen as well as share with anyone who wants to share or vent. vent.

Carol C.

Hi Bonnie,

My name is Kathy and I appreciate your newsletters and support. I don’t feel nearly so isolated and alone now as I have felt being in this confusing and cruel marriage for the last 15 years. As I read the info you sent, I couldn’t get over how similar the stories are. So very many things that I have struggled to understand during our marriage and that just never made sense no matter what spin I put on them, now are crystal clear. Smoke and mirrors. That’s what we live with. Nothing is real, just an illusion created to keep our husbands secret.

If someone would have told me years ago that I would allow myself or my children for that matter to be subjected to a life like this I would have been incensed! I would never allow that to happen! After all I was an intelligent and articulate woman. And yet, here I am looking back, and thankfully now looking forward, realizing that none of us can blame ourselves. We were not living within a valid and true relationship. Love can’t exist where it isn’t reciprocated. These men are not available to love us. So many of the women I read about talk about having lost themselves in the marriage. To say I can relate is an understatement. Empty. That’s what I was for so many years and that is how they are able to persuade us that all the problems are our fault. No healthy woman would buy that explanation.

Life is less confusing, less painful, and less overwhelming since I found out my husband is gay. We tried a “family vacation” shortly after I “talked” to you the first time. While there were some lousy times, we also had some good times. The lesson I took from the experience was to remove the word “Until” from my vocabulary. I have spent the entire time we have been married rationalizing and wishing away my today’s. Telling myself “until we have_____, or until he isn’t working so hard, or until I am _________.” I cannot spend any more energy on that way of thinking. I am focused on my two children and building a new, happier, healthier life for all three of us. My guess is that my husband will just go back to burying his head in the sand (i.e. work) and find excuses not to deal with anything he needs to deal with. His choice. For me it is onward and upward.

Thanks to you and all of the women who bravely shared their feelings and bared their souls. It is a tremendous support to know that someone else wouldn’t think you were crazy if you told them what life “really” was like. Not only wouldn’t they think I was crazy, but for the first time in years I felt total relief. I have had one after another “light bulb moments” where things made sense. I’m beginning to see the woman I used to be. She shows up in my actions and my thoughts and it’s like finding an old friend. That is the greatest cruelty-the taking of someone else’s soul and self for the purpose of keeping a gay husband’s secret. It seems as if they do it without thought, notice or remorse. How very sad.

All the years I’ve heard my husband say “I love you” and always felt something was lacking. No real emotion or passion; they were just words. Someday I hope to hear someone say “I love you” and be able to hear those words with an unburdened heart. For now it is enough to know that he is incapable of loving anyone right now. His first step will have to be learning to like himself. I am taking steps to protect my kids and myself and to begin to build anew.

Take care of yourself. You are a lifeline. We appreciate you and all you do, Bonnie.

Warmly,

Kathy

Dear Bonnie,

Thank you so much. I am just getting to my e mails. I am on the computer all day at work, so it is the last thing I want to do at home. But I have this new internet...

I starting reading your newsletters last evening at 11 pm and still was not finished around 3 am. All that, and I have to get up at 6 am to go to work. My 14 year old son said both alarms on the clock radios went off. I slept right through them, and didn’t get up until I heard him rushing out to the school bus. All this because I could not stop reading about much of what has been similar to my life story for the past 10 or so years, since my now ex-husband met “Joe”. Many of the things I have wondered about over the years were in your newsletter, and it has made me come to a greater understanding of the situation, and the incredible emotional pain I have suffered, and the post traumatic stress I currently experience.

I have been divorced for 2 years now (was married for 22 years). I did not suspect he had a lover until 14 years into the marriage, and did not realize it was most likely a gay lover, his “best friend” (who had also been married with 2 children, and divorced) until I found IOU’s to the tune of $6,000 over a 6 month period to this person, in addition to daily calls to this person from his cell phone. I resented this as I was leaving my home and children every day to go to work, and he was “loaning” his boyfriend approx $1,000 per month. The boyfriend is 9 plus years younger than the ex-husband. When I found the IOU’s (copied them, and put them away for evidence and safekeeping) and confronted him, he threw one of my nice ceramic lamps on the floor, then jumped on it and smashed it. This was 2 and 1/2 years ago-the last straw- and the very next day I filed for divorce. I could write a book, and probably should, but I am still trying to survive, financially and emotionally.