Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (31 page)

I can’t help but wonder why oh why he wanted to get married, our relationship really started to go downhill once we did that. We had no secrets from our friends or relations, they all knew about his sexuality and any one that found it hard to accept at first just got use to it over the years. I feel now that he had a mid life crisis (35) and wanted to get out there and do his thing, life was passing him by so he had to do it. I am also 18 years older than him but he never felt that was a problem and he still said that it wasn’t about my age when we parted, but I wonder if just may be it did have something to do with it?

I have attached a letter I sent to my husband last November and as I read it I feel I have moved on a bit, the pain is not quite so bad, I know now that I can’t go back, he is gay and needs to do what he needs to do, but it doesn’t stop me missing what we had. He stopped talking to me just before Christmas, I don’t think he could stand watching my pain, I kept hoping for weeks that he would get in touch and tell me he had made a mistake but reading your information I know how ever much it hurts that it was bound to happen.

Do you think that he will ever realize that just may be what we had was enough.

Barbara

Dear Bonnie,

I always knew something was missing but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I thought it was because I was overweight and not attractive. Maybe if I lost weight, what if I was prettier. I often asked myself these questions. I knew tgo (the gay one) had effeminate ways, but I kept telling myself the reason for him acting that way was because he grew up without a father in a house with only females. Well let me give you a little advice…if it quacks like a duck, walk like a duck, it’s a duck.

Every time I asked him why he wasn’t affectionate he replied, “Some men are just not affectionate,” and eventually I started believing him, believing that it was normal for him not to kiss me passionately, hold me, desire me. I thought it was normal to go 6 months or more without sex, and for him to never go to bed with me at the same time because he wanted to stay up and watch television. I couldn’t understand how television could be more important than me. I would go to bed and cry myself to sleep, because I felt unloved, unwanted, and undesirable. My self esteem was being stripped from me day by day. He never comforted me like I needed to be comforted. He never held me.

One night he left his email opened and my whole life changed. I read that he had been gay since he was 12. How the only way he could make love to me was to think of being with a man, that he married me to make his mother happy, and that he had been with 6 men during our marriage. My whole body began to shake. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t cry. It took me about 3 weeks to confront him, I was terrified. He denied it, even though I told him I read his email. He said he was not gay and I was an evil person and a bad mother and I needed to stop accusing him of being gay and take the blame for the problems in the marriage. Well I thought I should stay married to him for the children. But how could I be a good mother to my children, depending on antidepressants to help me get through the day.

I was a wreck. I went to counseling. But the therapist wanted to counsel both of us (she was trying to save the marriage) so I stopped going to her. The anti-depressants helped a lot, because I was very depressed without them and I could not function. I began to search the web for anything on being married to a gay man. First I joined this group on yahoo.com and I was happy to find out I was not alone. The group was very helpful to me. At first I just read and never responded. But just reading helped me understand things better. Then I found Bonnie’s website, and bought her first book. After reading it I knew that I had to get out of this marriage because I would never be happy.

It was so hard for me to leave. I WAS TERRIFIED. I didn’t want to be alone, and was afraid of financial responsibilities. But I knew I had to GET OUT!!!! On October 15, 2003, I filed for divorce. On October 21, 2003 I was attacked by his family and forced to leave my home and children. My life was threatened if I returned (home was on his family property). I lived with my sister for 6 weeks. The only thing I had was the clothes I had on, and my car. I only saw my children for 20 minutes maybe twice a week. He even made me meet at the police station to see the boys, like I was a criminal. Any way if I told you the whole story of being married to a gay man it would be a book.

Now 5 months later I have my own home, joint custody of the children and child support. I have met a wonderful straight man who makes me feel like a woman should feel. He is passionate, warm, funny and very, very affectionate. And I cherish every moment that we are together. I look back on this journey and I smile because I did it. I left, I knew I deserved better and I wanted better. Being married to a gay man is one of the most devastating things that can ever happen to you. But there is hope. Bonnie told me I would never regret leaving and I stand proud to say I don’t regret it and I never ever will regret getting out of that dysfunctional marriage. I am so happy now even though the divorce is not over (we go to court for the last time 4-15-04) I wake up every day and smile knowing I’m not in that marriage anymore. Please don’t give up, there is a way out. You will have some hard days, but it won’t be nothing like what you go through living with a gay husband.

I am still on the road to recovery, and I still struggle with issues, but now I face each day with a smile knowing that I made that step. I have had some difficult situations to deal with, but I just use them as building blocks to help me reach the top. I hope that I have encouraged someone out there who has just started this journey. Please don’t give up. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; you just have to believe.

Connie

Dear Bonnie,

I’ve spent some time thinking over the past few years of my life lately, and have some things I need to share with you! It’s been a long, tough journey. Without the support and love of you, and friends from chat, I am not sure I would have made it through.

I was never able to prove for sure that my husband was gay, although all signs pointed to it. The lack of physical and emotional intimacy from very early in our marriage, perverse and denigrating sexuality, outright attractions to other men, extreme anger at life, pornography, and work addictions, and the list goes on. He lives now with a young man from his church, but more than that I still don’t know. What I wanted to share with you though, is that regardless of whether he is Gay or not…..The abuse I went through in the marriage was completely unacceptable, and was grounds enough to leave the marriage regardless of his sexual orientation. It was hard for me to get my brain around that…..I felt if I just had proof he was a gay man……I could shout that to the world, and the Church, and I would be justified in leaving him. That I lived thru 23 years of Psychological, Physical; Financial and Sexual abuse with an emotionally void man didn’t even seem to enter into the picture!

No woman deserves to be shoved around, no woman deserves to be subjected to denigrating or perverted sexuality, no woman deserves to have her finances under the control of another, no woman deserves to be emotionally, or physically beaten, no women deserves to live life with an emotionally void, secretive man. Regardless of whether I was able to confirm my husband was gay, getting me safe on the outside, so that I could heal on the inside, was the most important thing! Once free of the oppression of this man, I was able to start thinking clearly. 3 years later, I am close to being Divorced, completely self sufficient, and in a healthy relationship with a man who treats me with the utmost respect and dignity. I feel whole and complete now, for probably the first time in my life!

Thank you Bonnie for walking with me…..

Much Love,

Grace

Dear, Bonnie,

Thank you for your resent inquiry to see how I was doing. I haven’t been in touch with you for a long time. I finally am divorced since April 28th. I knew my husband was gay deep down inside. I too longed for proof to find so I could actually feel at piece over my feelings and pain. My ex did not desire me shortly after our marriage. The only time we would have sex is when he had a lot to drink. The sex was all I knew as far as the way he performed it. Also in time I knew it was only a release or to prove to himself he could do it. Basically it was very cold. In time his reasoning was all my fault. From how I treated him to how I was always busy in other things. Some of his reasons were very heart breaking. I blamed myself and questioned what did I do wrong? I stayed in shape always tried to look attractive and always had many compliments. (not from him) As time progressed our marriage of 19 years fell apart and all the blame was put on me. I still have trouble getting over my depression and the low self-esteem he created for me. I long for a straight man in my life who wants me sexually and loves me for who I am. I tell myself constantly to hang on and know he will come soon into my life. We all deserve a new life and a straight relationship. My point is stay strong continue to tell yourself it wasn’t you. No we may never have proof or even a confession but don’t wait…it may never come. GET OUT!!! And oh by the way I have experienced sex with a straight man and let me tell you it sure is different than a gay man!!!!! Look forward to it.

BF

Bonnie,

You are dead on about the abuse aspect of our situation.

I remember during the year and a half I/we were trying to salvage our marriage, I went to confession. During one confessional, I told the priest that my husband was gay, and I wanted him to die. I felt so much hate toward him and I was so hurt. And the first thing he said to me was “God does not want you to be in an abusive relationship.”

What???!!! Me??? In an abusive relationship??? WHAT???!!! It took me days to internalize what he said. I couldn’t believe that I was participating in an abusive relationship. I was so in shock about it. I mean, I was an educated woman! I was smart! I would NEVER have stayed in a physically abusive relationship. So somehow this had to be different, right?