Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (40 page)

He
never
took
any
notice
of me physically. Except for the time he actually began a
heated
discussion with me at a Burger King about the fact that he was “physically
prettier”
than I was . . . and he was actually being
serious.
And the time that he told me that I had legs that looked like “tree trunks.” Again, he was
serious
here, but also thought he was being “cute.” Still, for me, it was
anything but.
In any case, I remember quite distinctly
noticing
his
giddiness
with men, but like everything else, I ended up
pushing it back
“into the closet.”

I know I have been painting a pretty bad picture of Kai, and with good reason. But as with everything, he did also have a “good” side. He did have
some
“sensitivity” in his heart; otherwise, there would have been nothing for me to be inwardly attracted to initially. In any case, about a year after we got married, he had the opportunity to join an
ashram
. It was not a “live-in ashram”; it was one in which you attended weekly seminars. So he joined up, and soon after, so did I, as I had always been the “spiritual type”.

It was soon after this that the sex pretty much ended altogether because now he had the
excuse
of his “self-discovery” where celibacy is encouraged at different periods of time. And since I never liked sex with him anyway, this was fine with me. I didn’t realize it back then, but I see now, how much he used his “spirituality” as another place to hide behind, in order not to have to deal with, his lack of interest, in sex with women. It was just another very convenient “cover” like I was for him not to have to think about his true
preference
for
men
. Still, because I was so happy in the ashram, and being “let off the hook” from the draining sex with him, I went along with it.

So now, we could both be “happy” in being
only
“best friends,” and now “spiritual buddies.” I remember thinking once, during a meditation session, how much fun meditation was, and “who needed sex anyway.” Well, I found out later, just how
important
sex is, especially in the course of self-discovery.

After 6 years of “marriage”, 5 of those in the ashram, I finally got up the courage to leave the relationship, tired of feeling
suffocated
. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now, years later, I realize that it was the
core
of my being, my
femininity
, that was being
suffocated
. And even though I consider myself to be a very compassionate person, the suppression of this most
precious
part of me, my
femininity
, is something that I will
never
be able to
forgive
or
forget
. . . especially, when there is no recognition on Kai’s end for what he did.

In any case,
I
ended up initiating the divorce, and because we were still “best friends,” it was amicable enough. Even so, when I did mention divorce, I will never forget how he “
wimpishly”
protested, saying, “I don’t know how you can just throw your ‘
husband’
out like the
trash.”
This made me laugh inside, intuitively thinking, “
Husband
.

. . you were
never
that to me.” But I was kind to him because of course, we were still “friends,” and so I felt the need to “appease” him. Soon after, I
alone
completed the process of our divorce. And because I was still
so deeply in the closet with him
, I thought that I was just divorcing him because I needed to end a “suffocating” friendship with a man who was just “different” and more “spiritually” inclined than most.

Interestingly enough, even though I was not able to see the “obvious” back then, others could. When I told my father about the divorce, he came right out and asked me if it was because Kai was
homosexual
. And of course, because of the closet that I was in, I thought my father’s question “ridiculous.” I remember even telling my gay “friend” Kai about this and
chuckling
about it
together.
That is how “linked” we were together “in the closet.” I wish now, that I could apologize to my father for this, but I cannot, since he passed away one year ago.

Years later, after opening my eyes to the truth, other family members and friends, told me that they too, had always sensed that he was homosexual, though they dared not say anything, because they knew I would have to figure it out for myself. And I know they were right.

It was not until 7 years after my divorce that I had my first
real
sexual experience with a
truly
heterosexual man. It was so
beautiful
and
ecstatic
! Never in my life, had I ever experienced anything so powerful! And it was so much like the “fantasies” I had as a little girl! And by the way, it was with another man
from the ashram
, so the “theory” of my homosexual ex-husband, just being “more spiritually inclined” than other men, really flew out the window! As you might expect, it was during my affair with this man that I started to suspect that my ex, Kai, had been homosexual. And as the years progressed, and I had other affairs with straight men, I became more and more convinced because now, I had something to compare him to. At one point, I got extremely angry. And by the way, even 20 years later, I am
still
extremely
angry
.

So I decided to confront him with my anger, by writing him a letter. And over the years, I wrote him two more letters, detailing all of my realizations,
holding nothing back
. And even though, he never replied to any of them, I always
felt
his “replies” intuitively, which were always filled with
much
anxiety, and at times, anger. Whenever I would feel him angry, I would also feel him justifying it all by the “fact” that I was now “just a very
off and
aging woman.” Just the same, I wanted closure to it all, but realized that he was
still
so deeply “in the closet,” especially with himself, that I would probably never get the closure from
him
that I so desperately desired.

So after all of this, even though I knew in my heart that Kai was/is
homosexual
, my mind still continued to play “tricks” on me, making me doubt what I instinctually knew. I have realized since then, that this was due to the fact that he had done an extremely good number on me,
psychologically
“closeting” me just as deeply as he was. And since I never had any
proof
, and was probably never going to get any (20 years since my divorce and seeing him), I realized that I was going to have to get out of this
psychological
“closet” for myself. In any case, after reading all of the stories, and seeing all of the similarities that I had to all of the beautiful women in Bonnie’s network, I realized that I needed to “spill” my story and my doubts, in order to see the fallacy of them, and get myself out of this
psychological
closet
.

So here are those doubts, and the reasons why I now know them to be complete fallacies. The first doubt had to do oral sex. I thought because he could perform oral sex on me, the
few
times that he did, without getting “grossed out,” it
might
mean that he was
heterosexual
. I realize now though that a homosexual man can
learn to do
anything
in the way of sex if he wants to hide his preference for the male sex badly enough. Because it matters not what the gay man is doing outwardly; what matters, is where he
travels
to in the
privacy
of
his own mind
.

The second and last doubt, had to do with the fact that during the “peak” of our “sex” lives, he needed to watch “hetero porn” in order to get excited enough to have sex with me. Again, I used to think, that because it was “hetero” porn, he “
might
be heterosexual”. But I realize now that I always
sensed
that he was not excited by, nor was he focusing on the women when we watched it (because he needed me to watch it with him). He was excited by the men and their penises. I know, because I
felt
it at the time, though, again, I
shoved
it away “in the closet.” I have also realized that he needed to watch “hetero porn” with me because he could not bring himself to participate in the
foreplay
necessary, to get me “in the mood.” “Hetero” porn was
his
foreplay with the men in the video and also mine. And if all of this wasn’t enough . . . Phew!

Then again, I have had 20 years to think about it! I realized that he was “excited” by the
subjugation
and
denigration
of women, because he deeply resented them for not being able to excite him the way that they were “supposed” to. He had so
much hostility
for women, due to this fact, that their
subjugation
“excited” him. This
sickens
me to no end, and at times, I feel “shame” for not having seen this sooner.

In any case, as long as I am writing about “porn” and dispelling all doubt about
Kai’s homosexuality
, I feel the need to mention that once while watching “hetero porn” with him, he just “happened to mention” that we might rent some “gay porn just for the hoot of it.” But I told him that I was not interested. I know now, that his mentioning this was
no
coincidence. I also remember that it was
not
a coincidence about the time that he took me to check out a gay beach “just for the hoot of it.” Nor were all of the times a “coincidence” that he just
had to
take me along for his clothes shopping to exclusively gay men clothing stores where he did the
majority
of his shopping, for fear of the gay men “trying to pick up on him.” Funny, but for a guy so
fearful
of being “picked up,” he was sure
giddy
, “chatting it up” with all of the gay men sales personnel.

I know now, that with me by his side, acting as his “security blanket” he now, had no reason to “
fear”
Glad to be of “service”--NOT.

In conclusion, because it has been so many years since my divorce, and I never had any concrete
proof
of Kai’s homosexuality, it has been my battle to learn to
trust
my intuition. I can now see though, with more clarity than ever, that this intuition is truly a
gift
, a
power
, that we all have as women; a power that we
must all learn to
use
to its’ fullest potential, in order for us to
free ourselves
and learn to love ourselves, in the ways that we truly deserve. My meditation teacher once told me, “Where there is
light
, there is
truth.”
And so I know that with the
light
of my intuition, I will learn to live in
truth
.

It is with this knowledge that I am also learning to accept more and more that I will
never
have the physical “proof” I still so strongly desire. Just the same, since reading all of the stories from the beautiful women of Bonnie’s network, I realize, that my
feminine
instinct
is the
greatest
, and most blessed “proof” I will ever need.

With sincere gratitude and love, I extend my heartfelt thanks to Bonnie, and
all
the
truly beautiful
women of the support group. You will
always
have my true love and support,

Estelle

A
BOUT THE
A
UTHOR

Bonnie Kaye, M. Ed.
, author of
Bonnie Kaye’s Straight Talk
, is internationally recognized as a counseling expert in the field of straight/gay marriages. Since 1984, she has counseled over 35,000 women who discovered their husbands are gay. She has also worked with hundreds of gay men helping them to come out to their wives.

Kaye began her counseling after the demise of her own painful marriage to a gay man in 1982. Her books, support groups, and monthly newsletters have helped these women understand the dynamics of marriage to a gay man. Kaye’s website at
www.Gayhusbands.com
offers information to get people connected.

Kaye received her Masters Degree in Counseling from Antioch University in 1986. She has appeared on international, national, and local television and radio to explain how this phenomenon happens and the damage it does to a marriage. She also consults for major national television talk shows and news shows about this subject. Kaye runs an online support group three times weekly to lend support to women during and after their marriages.

Kaye’s other books include:
Doomed Grooms: Gay Husbands of
Straight Wives; ManReaders: A Woman’s Guide to Dysfunctional
Men; Straight Wives: Shattered Lives;
and
How I Made My Husband
Gay: Myths About Straight Wives.
The Gay Husband Checklist for
Women Who Wonder
is an updated version of her first book previously titled
Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder.

Bonnie Kaye can be reached at
[email protected]
. She is available for private counseling sessions by telephone or email.