Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (30 page)

It was during the time that I knew “something” was wrong ... there WAS an elephant in our living room... of course,
he
knew it wasn’t an elephant, he knew it was his secret lover. “I” was the one with the problem, all was well with him... he couldn’t “understand” why I felt something was wrong...it
must
have been in my head.

That’s when I started to feel like I was losing it. Looking back, it was a
“Gaslight”
situation, but I didn’t know that, then. I just knew I was losing it and I had the hole in the gut feeling that something was wrong, yet I couldn’t put my finger on it.

That’s when I started to snoop. That’s when I found “the love letter”. That’s when I hightailed it to my doctor and fell apart in the office. That’s when I started on anti depressants.

I didn’t tell him I knew.... and I didn’t/wouldn’t let him touch me. I left, making an excuse that I needed to live with my dad for awhile, because he needed help (it was less than 2 miles away) and I would still see him every night... I just wouldn’t sleep there.

That was a hellish time... it only lasted about 6 weeks... 6 weeks of me knowing the truth, hinting at the truth, driving by on nights that I told him I ‘couldn’t make it over’ to see the that strange white car in the driveway... wanting for him to tell me, but not wanting to hear it.

Hoping I was so wrong. Hoping that it was not at all what it seemed. I remember borrowing a friend’s car, putting on a man’s coat and hat and a pair of big glasses and following the 2 of them ... they just went to Lowe’s, but dammit, “THEY” picked out the kitchen wallpaper border and put it up that night ... I could watch them as I drove by ... the car was there until the next morning, and the guest bed hadn’t been slept in... I booby trapped it so I would know if someone slept there. The next day, he “surprised” me with the wallpaper, saying he did it all by himself just for me.

Every time I looked at those stupid little apples, all I could see was gay sex.

By then, I guess the anti depressants had kicked in, it had been over a month and I did not drive my car over a cliff or into his gay face, so they must have worked. (Joanie without the anti depressants would not have been so kind.)

I finally broke him down into admitting the truth to me 6 weeks after I found the love letter. Then, I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to await my test results... I wanted him to see me cry. I wanted him to know that I thought he was a liar and a snake and that he had lost any ounce of respect I ever had for him.

I wanted him to feel the pain. I would go there every night and make him admit all the times he lied and told him in EXPLICIT words what I thought of him. He had to sit there, shut up and take it, or I would out him to the world and he knew it. I wanted him to feel my pain, which of course, he never could. After about 2 weeks of this, I had said all that needed to be said, and told him never to contact me again or I would ‘out’ him to his family and the world.

Things were fine .I stayed on my meds and started moving on...even dated someone wonderful.... even had real straight sex... got back my group of friends, and started living again. Life was good.

A few months later, he called... he said he “knew he was risking everything “but it was worth it to him because he loved me and it was a “mistake” and it would never happen again, blah blah blah. Well, I think that at this time, the meds had made me so complacent, that I fell for it. Without the meds, I would have taken the telephone to his house and put it where he probably would have enjoyed it.

Anyway, for several months, okay, over a year, I started seeing him again... I did NOT move back in with him, but we did resume a sexual relationship (I know --- duhhh) and I guess we had what you would call the honeymoon stage. Slowly, the nasty side of him started reappearing - not the gay sex thing - I would have killed him - meds or not. But, his frustration started coming out in many ways and he started treating me like dirt. I was taking it and didn’t know why ... I knew better.

So, I went
off
the meds (under doctor’s care) and a couple of months later, I had the strength to finally tell him “ENOUGH” of his abuse, lying and gayness.

I finally found my strength again.. the complacency was gone ...and so was I. It has now been almost 6 months. I have changed my home phone number, blocked his email and threatened him with a restraining order and his face on a billboard advertising butt plugs if he ever even THINKS of contacting me again.

We live less than 2 miles apart, and I have changed the grocery store I shop in, and have avoided being anywhere near his house -have not driven by once (YAY!) because I do not CARE what he does now. He is not my problem, anymore. But, I had to respond to your letter, because the anti-depressants helped me to
SURVIVE
in the beginning ...but, they also allowed me to foolishly
GO BACK
and “try to work it out” - because, at the time, the meds made me unable to realize the sheer futility of this. (I always wonder how much farther ahead I would be had I not dumped the great straight guy I was seeing and gone back to the gay one). Stopping the meds finally helped me
LEAVE
at the end.

So, in the beginning they saved my life, (and his) but later on, they prolonged my letting go and moving on. Hope this makes sense.

Keep up your amazing work!!!! I wait for your newsletter every month!

Joanie

Dear Bonnie,

Your most recent newsletter rang true to my situation. You may use my letter and first name if you wish.

Looking back, my 30-year relationship seemed to be lacking. I knew something was wrong but was afraid of the truth and my partner was a master at deceit. In the last 6 months, I’ve learned he’s been having sex with men. He says it’s only been during the last year but I wonder if that’s true. I saw an increase in our sexual activity during the last 4-5 years and became very comfortable and contented and thought the increased frequency meant commitment. Wrong! I’m learning now that it was probably a result of his encounters with men or Internet activity. Even though he says he’s bisexual, I believe he prefers men. I don’t understand desiring both sexes. I’ve tried and end up feeling angry and inadequate. Don’t let sex fool you. You could just be the “release” as my counselor suggests and this is not a happy fulfilling situation.

Faye

The next letter may help those of you who are still having
trouble finding out the computer activity. Spy software can
capture all activity going on with your computer from emails to
websites.

Bonnie,

Just thought I’d let you know that I caught him! He still denies, but I know. I bought Spectorsoft, a recording program and saw what he was looking at on our computer. He says he was just curious, blah, blah, blah, but I know. Suspicions are confirmed in my eyes. You can mention to your readers that the program, while expensive ($99.00) was well worth it. If it weren’t for it, I still wouldn’t know.

I appreciate your support and continue to enjoy your newsletters. While I am still in my marriage and house, I won’t be for long. It’s time to move on… move on…

Thanks!

Sandy

Bonnie endorses the following spyware. To purchase it, put this
link into your Internet browser:

http://www.spectorsoft.com/default.asp?affil=1893

Hi Bonnie!

Thanks so much for your recent newsletter. It is so nice to see women that are able to get through this incredibly terrible time in their life. It just kills me when I hear of women that stay in a relationship that you just know is doomed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that they are a weaker person because of it or that they are wrong or anything. I just can almost feel the heartbreak that they are in for, the constant heartbreak. That’s what I knew I was in for if I was to stay with my husband after he told me the news. Every time he answered the phone, every time he was online chatting or every time he met some new guy I knew I was assume the worst. How could I possibly live with that? There is no way.

I know I am very fortunate to have had the man I did for a husband. He came clean and told me right out once he finally came to terms with it himself. He helped me so much with moving out and getting myself established. It has been 1 and 1/2 years now. I still have my bad days, when I feel like my life is hopeless. When I feel like no one is ever going to want me or love me or cherish me. But most days I am strong. I take care of myself and I exercise and try to eat right (most of the time!). I have finally come to realize that I need to make myself happy and be right with myself before I can get into another serious relationship. And I am definitely getting there!

Your book was like a lifesaver to me. I had searched far and wide for a book about what I was going through that made sense. What I mostly found was a lot of crap! Most of them talked about how many couples created “alternative” lifestyles where they would stay together and have their “flings” on the side. It was insane! All I could think is how the hell do these people think that I could possibly be comfortable in my home while my husband was having sex with a man in the other room! or even just knowing that he was doing that somewhere! Incredible! Your book and your newsletters have been a voice of reason in a sea of insanity. As soon as I started reading it, I was like “Alright! this is what I am talking about! Finally someone telling it to me straight!” (no pun intended!)

Thank you so much Bonnie. You are really an inspiration. I know you have been through a lot of controversy and resistance from all over. Yet you have stayed strong and stuck to your guns! Bravo!

Shelley H.

Hi Bonnie,

I just wanted to tell you how much help you are being to me at the moment. every time I feel weak and need a bit of strength I read your news letter or the chapters of your book you sent me.

The only difference between our relationship and some of the others I have read is that he was always honest about his sexuality but we both thought love would hold us together but in the end it isn’t enough. We were together 12 almost happy years and only got married 2 years ago, as he wanted to. I wonder now if he was mentally leaving me and thought that by getting married it would stop this happening? Sex was never a big part of our relationship but once we got married strangely we only had sex once between then and when he left me. Also he started going out more.