A Sadness Within (18 page)

I
watched her run away
, frightened of me, and I suddenly felt very cold. I looked down at the gravestone at my feet and cursed silently. I thought she would understand. I had hoped she would stay, because I thought she was different. Hell, I thought
I
was different. A deep anger and hatred began to course through me until finally, a sadness like I had never known settled in. The void in my chest was back and the empty ache that it brought. I wished Celia were here. She would be able to tell me what to do next. Should I go after her? Try to explain? Or would it just make it worse? If only I knew what to do, which direction to turn.

I don’t know how long I stood there staring in the direction she had gone before I finally retreated. The trees were a blur as I raced home, and I knew what I would do. There was only one place to go now, and I would be gone before they even knew it. I had tried and failed, therefore I wasn’t going to live their stupid life any longer. Anger swelled beneath my skin again, as I thought back over the events of the last few weeks. I was happier than I even knew was possible and yet, when trying to tell the truth, I ended up alone. Despite everything that I had done and everything that Celia had told me, I was alone. Celia and my father were wrong. I was a monster. Nothing would change that now. The hunger began to course through my veins as the bloodlust I had been able to ignore began to scream at me. It was clear that no one or nothing could save me.

The house was empty when I got there, and it didn’t take me long to grab my things. I hadn’t brought much with me and there was little that I cared to keep. At the last minute, I stopped only long enough to leave a short note to Celia, telling her I was leaving and not to come after me. I didn’t give her any details; I didn’t want to face her after what had just happened. I was sure this would be the last time I would come here. It would be too painful.

On my way out the door, I made one last call.

“Chris,” I said when he picked up. “I’m on my way back, finally leaving this shithole. I’ll be home in a few short hours. Just let me know where to meet you. I need to go out.”

Within minutes, I was racing on my bike out of town, back to Chicago. Back to the place where I knew I belonged.

The trail narrowed as I
ran over the hardened surface. I leapt over stones and pushed the brush out of my way.  Suddenly, I felt as if I wasn’t alone. I ran faster. I could see the end but it never seemed to get any closer. I could feel the chill as someone came up on my heels. Darkness started to surround me and pull me down. My legs and arms were heavy as I tried to crawl my way forward.

The alarm sounded beeping loudly and I sat up, shaking. It had only been a dream. I thought my heart would pound right through my chest. My feet shuffled across the floor as I went into the bathroom. The chill of water splashing on my face was enough to bring me back. 

I stared at the face in the mirror. The girl staring back at me had dark circles under her eyes. She looked so sad. But I wasn’t sad, I argued back at myself. There was nothing to be sad about. I was scared, or at least I
should
be scared. I should be terrified. And I should feel lucky to be alive. Kara had tried to cheer me up, but I rationalized that I didn’t need cheering up. I wasn’t sad. It’s not like I could talk about it with anyone.  All I told her was that things hadn’t been working with Will and he had to go back to wherever it was he came from. It was never serious anyway, and I knew he would leave eventually, I had lied. There was no real way to come right out and tell my best friend that my boyfriend and I really broke up because he was some dark, immortal creature. A creature that lusted for blood and killed for sport. A vampire as far as I was concerned. And, oh yeah, so is his sister. It was up to me to figure this one out.

I tried to research immortality but only found the old vampire folklore, which I didn’t believe. Will didn’t fit any of this. So I was left with nothing but emptiness and the feeling that I had jumped to conclusions too soon. If only I could find something that proved him wrong or made me understand.

It had been almost a full week since Will told me what he was. As much as I wanted to forget, he scared me.  Or maybe the truth scared me because I couldn’t fully shake the feelings I had for him. Did I love him? I said I did, but did the truth change that? If I really loved him, should the truth matter? Yes, if you were trying to hide what you were. And no, because you were still you when you were with the person you loved.

He said that I changed him. That I made him want to be a better man. He said he wasn’t the same person he used to be. Wasn’t I the same? Hadn’t he changed me? I just didn’t know what to think anymore.

After calling in sick to work for three days, I finally decided that I should go to school. Truth be told, I was also afraid of seeing Celia. Yes, I did know what she was, but I also didn’t want to talk to her about Will.   Now, she seemed just as terrifying. When I finally went back to class, she didn’t show up. In fact, she hadn’t been there all week either. I had to cancel play practice and with Will disappearing, it wasn’t hard to convince my boss that we needed to take a week off.

Fortunately, today was Saturday and I could just avoid school all together, but I couldn’t avoid the jumbled thoughts going through my head. Cup of tea in hand, I found myself staring out the window toward the old Victorian at the end of the road. Snow was beginning to fall lightly, its fluff just beginning to stick to the trees and grass. It looked so peaceful. Suddenly, despite my earlier run, I was itching to run again.  I could always think better when I was running. Within minutes, I changed into my running clothes and took off.

The pavement pounded under my feet, creating a rhythm to match my heartbeat. A light snow lay on the sidewalk but wasn’t enough to be slippery. I ran hard, trying to get him out of my head. The harder I ran, the more thoughts of him entered into my mind. His ash colored eyes looked at me. His arms embraced me. His lips kissed me. I could feel him. I could taste him and my heart ached.

I ran until I could run no more. There was nowhere else I could go to escape. He was all around me. He was even haunting my runs now! Tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision and I ran harder. The air pumped through my lungs and my feet found their own way. Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Aaron’s grave. I could barely see his name engraved as the tears clouded my vision. I sank to my knees, ignoring the wet snow seeping through my running pants, my entire body throbbing. I thought I would feel relief breaking it off with Will, but right now I felt the opposite. I should be more scared, I had been telling myself all week. Yet all I felt was cold and alone. Empty. Numb.

“Oh, Aaron, what should I do?” I spoke to the gravestone through my tears.  “If I am doing the right thing, why do I feel so dead inside? I just don’t think I should be in love with someone like Will. I
shouldn’t
love him.” The tears were flowing freely now. “I wish you were here,” I whispered. Time was irrelevant when I was sitting at his grave. I could stay for minutes or hours and never know how long it had been.
Get up
, a voice said.
It will be okay. You will be okay.
I anxiously looked around, but saw nobody.
Get up and go. It will be okay
, the voice repeated. A voice that sounded strangely like my brother, and I realized that it was coming from inside of me. A wave of peace, comfort, and understanding overcame me, and I suddenly felt better. My head was still clouded but slowly clearing. My feet seemed to listen, and I got up and began to walk home, puzzled.

The snow was still falling in a soundless cascade. It was wet and thick and left branches weighted down. My feet shuffled through the thickening blanket as I tried to rationalize with myself the entire way home. I never really did give Will a chance to explain. If he had had to chance to talk, there could have been some sort of explanation. Maybe I had jumped to conclusions. Maybe I was the one who was wrong. Could I forgive him? Was I really considering this possibility? Reconciling the monster I thought he was with the person I knew, was the hardest part. By the time I got home, I had almost convinced myself that he wasn’t different from me at all.

I found myself standing on my porch in a daze watching the snow fall harder now. So much snow had accumulated that the tips of the grass were no longer visible. The entire yard was being covered in a white blanket. I needed to get inside. But I couldn’t move. My body was rooted in place. This porch now reminded me of him. I remembered the way his touch felt as we sat out here. Closing my eyes, it was almost as if he was here. And, then there was the way he kissed me. A lump began to rise in my throat and tears began to well up again. No, No, No! I must get that image out of my head. I tapped my temples with my fingertips. Get out of my head! This had to stop. With reservation and regret, I forced myself to go inside. I needed to do something to get my mind off of him. The tears stopped and the awful knot in my throat began to subside. The pictures hanging in the empty halls reminded me that I had been through worse. Losing my family had made me strong. My resolve was strong and I vowed to not let it get to me.

There were lots of things to keep me occupied, but as night crept in, my mood began to change again, as the dark feelings of loss began to consume. I wasn’t okay. In fact, the reprieve from my emotions that I had felt earlier was all too brief. As usual, the piano beckoned. I didn’t want to play tonight. There hadn’t been any music in me all week. Just a sadness within. Still, the pull was magnetic and there was no denying it tonight. Lightly, I placed my fingers on the keys and let the song find me. It started slow and built to fast and angry. When I finished that song, I started another. I couldn’t stop. The music just kept on flowing through my soul. All of the emotions I felt kept surfacing on the keys of the piano. Scenes of Will and me together flashed through my mind. I saw what used to be, I saw what could be, and I saw what I would become if I wasn’t with him. When I finally did stop, my face was soaked with tears, I was out of breath, and I could feel the light sheen of sweat on the back of my neck. I stood up, shaking. The images scared me.
He
should have frightened me, but he didn’t. The truth was when I was with him, I wasn’t frightened at all. What terrified me more than anything, was the thought of never being with him again. Of never finding that kind of love again and living alone. He had changed me too. He had made me feel things I hadn’t known were possible and my decision finally became crystal clear. I knew what I needed to do. Pushing him out of my mind wasn’t working. And neither was spending my life talking to a headstone. I needed to talk to someone who knew. Someone who could help me. I needed to find and talk to Celia.

I had never been to
Will’s house, but I knew the way to the old Victorian at the end of the drive. I ran until the house was in view and then when I slowed my stride so as not to appear too anxious. I hoped she was home. The stairs of the porch creaked when I walked up to the door. My hand was poised to knock when the door suddenly opened. Celia was standing in the doorway a somber look on her face.

“Hello, Jul--, Miss Cavallo,” her voice was cool and controlled. Her sharp features were beautiful. How had I never noticed how different she looked from the others? How had I never noticed that there was something distinct about her, as well?

“H-h-hello, Celia,” I stammered. “Can I talk with you?”

“Sure, won’t you come in?” She stepped aside, warmly opening the door wider for me.

My hesitation was brief, but I had made my choice. If I wanted to be with Will, I needed to accept what he and his family were. I stepped inside and looked around. The foyer opened up into a large great room which was full of what looked like impeccable antiques.  Celia took me to an exquisite leather sofa and motioned for me to sit. She sat calmly across from me, her eyes still cautious, and I could tell she was waiting for me to speak.

“You haven’t been at school,” I started.

“No. I thought it was best to stay away. To give you some space.” She shrugged and looked at her hands.

“I understand. I mean, I know what you and Will are. He told me everything.” I stood up and began pacing around nervously. I couldn’t look at her when I talked about this and not because of who she was but because she reminded me of him at times.  Her face softened a bit when she saw that I wasn’t going to run off screaming. Not this time. I was facing this head on and so I continued. “You see, the thing is, Celia, I freaked out when he told me. I was scared and I panicked. I ran. I didn’t want to listen to him explain. I didn’t want to hear the truth. But, I can’t stop thinking about him, and I realized that it doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care what he is or thinks he is, because I believe in him. I believe in the person he has become. The person I fell in love with. He makes me happy, and for the first time in years, I can
feel
again.” I turned to look at her, my heart bleeding and exposed.

I was embarrassed to be rambling to her like this. After all, she was still my student and here I was pouring my heart out to her about her brother. A bubble of air caught in my throat and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes as I fought to control them from rolling down my face. My hands clenched together in my lap, and I could no longer meet her eyes.

“He left,” she said softly. “He didn’t tell us where he was going, he just took off and left. He hasn’t called and he won’t answer his cell phone. He left me this note.”

She handed me a folded up piece of paper from her pocket. The words
I’m sorry. I guess I am not as good as you thought. Don’t come find me,
were scrawled messily across it. I flipped the note over to see if there was anything else.

“He didn’t say where he was going,” she repeated. “I can only guess that he went back to Chicago… to those he has been living with for years.”

“You mean he has family somewhere else?”

“Yes and no. I mean, there are a few others like us that he lives with in Chicago. They live very differently from the way we do here. You see there was a little bit of trouble with them. That’s why Will came back here for a while. He needed to distance himself from the trouble, and my father hoped that he would choose to stay this time. I can only guess back to Chicago is where he went.”

“Trouble.  He did mention something about that. I didn’t believe him at first but… ” I was unable to finish my sentence. My head ached with confusion. I know that he had told me about it, but part of me still didn’t want to believe it.

“He killed someone,” Celia said, standing up and walking toward me. “Well, maybe many ‘someones’ over the years, in the stupid quest for more blood. I don’t really know all the details. That group is responsible for the strange deaths in Chicago. I don’t agree with what they do. And I don’t think most of it is Will. I have always gotten the impression that he just follows along. ”