A Moment of Weakness (11 page)

She was falling in love, but not just with Tanner—with life itself and most of all with God’s promises.

Tanner was incredible, a walking encyclopedia of Scripture references. No matter what the conversation, he was always ready with a verse.

If she grew sad over his impending departure:
All things work to the good for those who love God.…

When they discussed how a long-distance relationship might work:
Nothing is impossible with God.…

The times when she fretted over the children’s unit at the hospital:
Cast your cares on him for he cares for you.…

If she got ahead of herself and wondered who would take care of her father once she moved out:
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself.…

And of course her favorite:
I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future
.

Scripture really was alive and active. It worked in her heart and changed her perspective so that every day was bursting with hope and promise. She and Tanner had found a church in Kelso where the Bible was preached and people seemed to care
about each other the way they had at Crossroads.

By July, the two of them were regulars and had joined a Bible study class. The second Sunday of that month, Jade was baptized—like the preacher had quoted from Scripture, “for the forgiveness of her sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

Each day she listened to praise music while she got ready for school. The words spoke of the wealth of feelings that filled her heart. One evening in late July while she was humming a song about how nothing could compare to the love she had in Christ, her father shoved open her bedroom door and scowled at her.

“What’s that garbage you’re listenin’ to?”

Jade turned down the music and silently uttered a prayer for her father. “Christian praise music. Was it too loud?”

Her father rubbed his temples, muttered a string of expletives, and squinted. “No. It’s too religious. God this and God that. Since when did you start believing all that trash?”

“Tanner and I bought it at church a few weeks ago. I’m sorry you don’t like it, Daddy.” Jade took a step closer, studying her father’s eyes and wondering how he became such a miserable man. “Anyway, I like it. I’ll turn it down so you can’t hear—”

“Tanner?” Her father bellowed. “You’re still seeing that snobby kid?”

Jade sighed. “He’s a man, Daddy. And yes, I’m still seeing him.”

“He’s using you, Jade. You know that, right? His kind don’t associate with our kind but for one reason only.”

“Daddy! It’s not like that!” Tears filled Jade’s eyes, and she smelled stale alcohol on her father’s breath.
Why can’t he be happy for me? Just this once
.

Her father studied the CD cover in her hands. “This Tanner
guy’s got you converted, is that it?”

Jade felt her face grow hot. Her father would never understand her precious faith. But still, maybe this was an opportunity to share some of the gospel with him. “Yes, Daddy. But it isn’t Tanner’s doing. It’s God’s. He’d been calling me for a long time. I finally listened, that’s all.” She paused. “He’s calling you, too, Daddy.”

“Shut up!” Her father all but snarled, his eyes angry. “You might be a holy roller, but don’t go preaching to your old man. I know all about church people and if you’re one of them now, maybe you better pack your things.”

Later that night she related the encounter to Tanner as they sat side by side on his sofa, listening to Steven Curtis Chapman.

“It scares me, Tanner.” They held hands and sat close enough so the bare skin on their arms was touching. “I have two more years before I finish nurse’s training. If he kicks me out—”

“Shhh …” Tanner held a finger up to her lips and gently brushed a lock of hair off her forehead. “Keep your focus, Jade. God has a plan, even if you wind up on your own.”

She was quiet for a moment as they studied each other. Every day she felt more comfortable with him, and even though they hadn’t done more than hold hands, something deep inside her had started to stir whenever he was near. She knew by the look in his eyes that he felt the same way, but.

“What are you thinking?” His voice was tender, patient.

She let go of his hand and drew her knees up to her chest. “How weird I am.”

Tanner grinned. “But then, we already knew that.”

Jade’s heart was heavy and she didn’t return his smile. “I’m serious, Tanner. I’m the strangest girl in the world.”

“How so?”

Maybe it was time. She’d never talked about this part of her life, but she couldn’t hide behind her aloofness forever, pretending she didn’t have an aversion to attachment. At some point she would need to talk about why she never allowed herself to get closer to him. “Okay. But I’ve never told this to anyone before. It might take a while.”

Tanner took her hand in his, leaned back against the sofa and waited.

Should I be telling him this, Lord?
She heard no answer and finally she steadied herself. Now that she’d started she would have to finish. She only hoped he would understand. “I know there are times when you want to … to kiss me.” She paused. “Right?”

His eyes softened and he nodded slowly. “But I can tell you don’t want to. So I’ve kept my distance.”

Jade drew a shaky breath, her eyes locked on his. “It isn’t that I don’t want to. I care about you.” She was struggling, searching for the strength to continue. “It’s just … well, I’ve never kissed anyone before. I’ve always thought it was repulsive.”

Tanner raised an eyebrow. “Kissing?”

Jade’s eyes filled, and she could barely make him out through the cloud of tears. “That’s where it gets complicated. It was something that happened a long time ago. I was eleven or twelve, I think …”

Tanner’s eyes filled with concern, but he held his silence. Still, she saw the alarm in his eyes and knew what he was thinking. She shook her head. “I wasn’t raped or anything. But still …”

He tightened his grip on her hand. “Tell me.”

“Okay.” She hated thinking about that night, but maybe
talking about it would help. “Well, that night my dad had been drinking, only instead of coming home by himself he brought a friend.”

“A guy?”

“Yes. Just as drunk as he was.” Jade pulled her hand from Tanner and hugged her knees again. She stared at her feet and saw that even they were trembling. Why couldn’t she have had a normal childhood like Tanner? As if he could read her mind, Tanner put his hand on her arm and massaged it. If only he could rub away the memories of her past.
Lord, give me strength, please
.

She drew a shaky breath. “Anyway, I was in the living room, watching television when I heard them. The guy made some comment about me, and then I heard my dad laugh. He told the guy to give me a try if he wanted. Daddy told him I was probably loose like my mother so it didn’t matter to him what the guy did.”

Tanner slumped forward like he’d been hit. “He said that?”

Jade nodded.

“What happened?”

“I tried to leave, but they heard me and blocked my way.” Jade hung her head. How could Tanner care for her after hearing this? “My dad was laughing, and the guy, his friend, came toward me and grabbed my hair.”

She looked up and saw that Tanner’s eyes were moist as he silently encouraged her to continue.

“He smashed his face against mine and … and kissed me.” She felt tears running down her face, and she desperately wanted to finish the story, to move past it. She forced herself to regain composure. “After that he and my dad left. They were both laughing like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen.” She hesitated and looked at Tanner, searching his eyes. “That’s
the only time I’ve ever been kissed.”

Tanner released the hold he had on her arm and angrily combed his fingers through his hair. Slowly he blew the air from his lungs. “That man is no father, Jade. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Her voice was choked with emotion. “I—I couldn’t.”

Tanner groaned and leaned toward her, taking her in his arms and stroking her back. “I’m so sorry, Jade. I wish …”

The tears came again, and she collapsed willingly into Tanner’s comforting arms. She felt safe and loved there.
What was this? Why did Tanner make her feel like she never wanted to be anywhere but in his arms?
“It’s okay.” She muttered the words against his chest. “It could have been worse.”

“But look how it’s hurt you. No wonder you’ve kept your distance.”

Jade pulled back and uttered a short laugh. “You’ve kept your distance, too. Remember the onions?”

A strange expression crossed Tanner’s face, almost as though there was something he wanted to tell her but couldn’t quite bring himself to do it.

“What are you thinking?” Jade wanted to know. She wanted to know everything about him.

The curious look disappeared from his eyes. He pulled back slightly and put his hands on either side of her face. “Nothing. You’re right. I’ve prayed a lot about you … us. I haven’t wanted to make you uncomfortable. It’s okay that we haven’t kissed.”

“I’ve prayed about it, too.” Jade rested her hands on his shoulders as she studied him, savoring the closeness of their faces, his sweet breath and day-old cologne. They stayed that way a while until finally she whispered. “I’m not repulsed now.”

Tanner searched her eyes, clearly questioning the intent of
her statement. In response, she moved closer, her gaze unwavering. He ran his fingers down her neck and traced her collarbone. When he spoke, it felt like his words were aimed directly at her heart.

“A kiss … between two people who care about each other … should be something beautiful … something you remember.”

Jade nodded. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t afraid of love. She loved Tanner with everything she was about, even if she hadn’t been willing to tell him. And now … now all she wanted was.

She could feel his fingers trembling as he slowly traced her lips. “Jade, would it be all right—” he moved closer—“if I kissed you?” His voice was barely audible, his eyes still locked on hers.

She swallowed and nodded. As she did, he lowered his face the remaining distance to hers and tenderly kissed her jaw, her chin, her cheek, until finally his lips found hers. Jade heard him moan softly as she returned his kiss and her fingers worked their way up his neck to his face.

The feelings that ravaged her body in that moment were so great she feared she might die of pure pleasure. But they did something else. They brought about a strange aching that caused her upper body to move more closely against him. Their kiss continued, and Tanner parted his lips ever so slightly. As he did, the feeling in Jade grew stronger, almost urgent.

Tanner pulled away first, breathless, his eyes searching Jade’s. His body was on fire with desire so strong it had been all he could do to tear himself from her.

Lord, what have I done? Douse the fires that rage within me, please!
He felt his body relax. Jade was watching him, and he didn’t want her to feel guilty in any way.

He framed her face with his fingertips once more. “That’s the way a kiss is supposed to be.”

Jade’s eyes grew troubled. “Is it wrong? In God’s eyes, I mean?”

Tanner drew a deep breath. How could anything that felt so right be wrong?
Okay, God, help me on this one
. He steadied himself. “Did you feel anything? While we were kissing, I mean?” They had gotten close enough over the summer that he felt comfortable asking.

Jade nodded and a pretty blush crossed her face. “I felt.” Her gaze dropped to her hands. “I didn’t want to stop.”

Tanner leaned forward and set his forearms on his knees, close to Jade but not touching her. “Me, too.”

“And that’s bad?” Jade’s question was genuine, and Tanner was struck at how inexperienced she was. In many ways she was like an orphan who’d never had the chance to grow up.

Woe to anyone who causes one of these little ones to sin.…

The Scripture sent a wave of alarm through Tanner, and he stared at his shoes. Jade was waiting for an answer.
Help me, Lord
. He looked up and met her gaze. “Well, those feelings are kind of like a warning. You know where they lead, right?”

Jade nodded. “I knew girls in school who slept with their boyfriends. It was so foreign to me, though, I guess I never really understood what the big deal was.” She looked at him, her soul laid bare before him. “Until now.”

“It’s a big deal to God. Sometimes a kiss like.” he let his eyes drop briefly to her lips …“a kiss like that one takes people to a place where they can’t stop. Do you understand?”

“I think so.” Her voice trailed off and Tanner saw she was
struggling with something. “Have you ever … you know?” The blush on her cheeks darkened.

“Slept with a woman?” Tanner was glad for their conversation, glad to be honest with his feelings after hiding them for so many weeks. “No. I’ve done some dating, some kissing. But God’s Word is really clear on the issue.”

“What’s it say?”

Tanner reached over and grabbed his Bible from the end-table. He flipped to Galatians and found the verse he was looking for. With the Scriptures in his hands, he felt his body cooling, but still there was a tremble in his voice. “It says here that the sexually immoral will not inherit the kingdom of God. There’s other verses about sex outside marriage being sinful.”

“So that’s why you’ve never done it?”

“I believe God has a plan for me.” He studied her eyes, wondering if she could see how badly he wanted her to be part of that plan. “A plan for you, too, Jade.”

“Like that first Scripture you showed me, the one from Jeremiah?”

“Right. I don’t want to mess up that plan by acting outside God’s will. Make sense?”

He set the Bible down and took her hands in his. She still looked puzzled. “So is … is kissing like that a sin, too?”

Tanner sighed.
It couldn’t be, could it, Lord?

He didn’t wait for a response. Instead he leaned toward her, wove his fingers firmly through her hair, and kissed her again. Immediately the fire returned, and Tanner forced himself to come up for air.